From Encyclopedia Dramatica
| This page relies entirely on facts.|
Fact Cat knows this because of his learnings.
Sorry for the lack of dick jokes.
You are a worthless waste of air, which is why at this precise moment in time, you are reading this sentence. You think you should be doing something more productive, but for some reason, you aren't.
You think your taste in music matters. You believe that your petty opinions about everything matter. Tell us moar about what political party you belong to and how you can't associate with anyone whose opinion differs form yours, it's all so fascinating!
You have seen every episode of Star Wars multiple times, including the shitty prequels. You think you're hot shit and cool because you own all of the Quentin Tarantino movies on shitty bootleg DVDs. You think the mundane and asinine details of your very existence are so interesting that you log onto Facebook and tell every dumbfuck that was retarded enough to 'friend' you what you had for dinner.
You are every shit stain, cum streak and piss smell on every single piece of underwear worn by man. You can attempt to take 10 showers a day (and we all know you won't), but you will still smell like a monkey's asscrack with HIV.
You are ugly, all of your family members are ugly, and the children you will never have will be ugly as well; do not breed.
Your very birthing delivery was all a joke; you were born as a ploy from God to stick you out in this world so that you will fail and give normal human beings the satisfaction of lulzing at your stupid self.
You think playing video games makes you alternative. You "spontaneously" quote Family Guy, Adventure Time, and Monty Python. You installed Linux on a partition, downloaded pirating software to your video game and jailbreaked your tablet (you think, anyway) because it seemed vaguely counter-cultural.
You wear a fucking fedora in public and believe this makes the world a more whimsical place. Pretty much every human being you attended High School with remembers you only as "that fat kid." You went to a second-tier state college and joined the roleplaying club on the first day of orientation. You watch anime but insist you're not a fanboy or fangirl. You quote memes at parties and then laugh alone, awkwardly. You own at least one cape which you wear "ironically" to comic con.
You drive a 1990's Civic with crumbs on the floor and an "I roll 20's" bumper sticker. You've pretty much been a giant faggot or dyke ever since that one time in bible camp. You write long posts in the Casual Encounters section of Craigslist but never get responses. You have never had sex and are love shy.
You are a 15 year old liberal thinking atheist. You can hear your parents yelling in the other room. You think people shouldn't judge you based on your meager accomplishments because you "could have done better if you tried". You collect plastic crap.
You cum on your collection of erotic anime plastic crap and film it for the entire world to see. And, after you cum onto your plastic crap, you attempt to engage it in conversation to apologize, which ends in a one-sided argument about that unicorn you saw raping that box of cupcakes last week. You're as socially-adjusted as a potato (and that's an insult to potatoes). You hover around the edges of your social group, grasping at straws of approval.
You have the intellectual capabilities of a flaccid penis. You began your trek through the Interwebz by googling nigger porn. You were socially inept in elementary, middle, and high school, and during high school, you masturbated in the bathroom during CSIII at least twice a week to your own little shota fantasies, you fucking pedo.
You have a blatantly inaccurate superiority complex, when in reality you are perhaps the paramount example of a pseudo-intellectual. You have this fagtarded notion that everyone actually cares about what you have to say, but they won't even throw five seconds down the drain to tell you they don't. You visited 4chan solely during the summer of 2010, and you become aroused at the idea of finally being a part of something larger than yourself, when, yet again, noone fucking gives a fucking fuck.
You get your ideas and arguments from blogs, because you are dumb enough to believe they will replace newspapers and magazines. You don't get invited, you tag along, which to you is a less offensive way to say that you gatecrash. You like to tell yourself you "only date nerds because they understand" you, but then masturbate to 10's who wouldn't even waste the breath to tell you to fuck off if you approached one of them in a bar. You sit at your desk daydreaming about which X-Men power you want, while your peers are shaping the world in their image.
You think you're a weapons expert because you play Call of Duty all day while screaming obscenities down the mic because your parents obviously don't give a shit about you. You're obsessed with J-Pop and other Wapanese shit due to the fact you're unpatriotic. You posted on /b/ last Thursday and they wouldn't even reply to you and your shitposting.
You fail it, where it = ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING. You are also manually breathing...
SERIOUSLY... FUCK YOU!
This kind of content has no humanity. Which makes it true.
YOU could fuck up a wet dream.
YOU are unlikeable. Liked by no one. A bitter, unlikeable loner whose passing shall not be mourned. Shall not be mourned.
YOU are also adopted.
YOUR father is also your
YOU think that just because someone else's life is also shit that somehow makes yours better. Floating to the right side of the page using the thumb attribute and a caption:
YOU are the root of all evil. If you were to kill yourself, corruption in the government would come to an end.
YOU s an ambiguous word that can be either plural or singular depending on the context (which may itself be ambiguous). English is unique in this regard. French does it too, but it's still not common. Eastern languages such as Korean, Chinese and Japanese do this as well, plurality is usually implied and the "plural" suffix is more accurately translated to "and company". Ask a linguist.
YOU are a moron and probably a cunt, and yet, this website will still beg you for money.
YOU have appeared on that Dateline NBC show, "To Catch A Predator" and was caught trying to get fingered by a 12-year-old boy you stalked online.
YOU are the reason why people commit suicide. In fact, you don't have to do much to persuade an individual to off themselves; looking at your face alone would do the deed. HA, HA, HA!
YOU have a face that only Mommy could love.
YOU will never find true love.
If You are male and are reading this, then you are a fat greasy pizza-faced lardball who will be a virgin for the rest of your pathetic and meaningless life.
YOU follow external links from ED and enjoy what you find.
YOU can only wish you had shitting dick nipples, because you are convinced they're hawt.
YOU are a fucking furfag.
YOU are also a brony and you think that doesn't make you a fucking furfag.
YOU are a direct descendant of Hitler.
YOU were accidentally dropped on your head when you were a baby
YOU write X rated fan fiction about My Little Pony that only someone with a fucking retarded Assburger's Syndrome fur obsessed brain can even begin to take enjoyment in because you know it's the closest thing to pussy or cock that you will ever get.
YOU think The Internet is serious business.
Somehow, you wonder why people hate you at school.
YOU spend your life trying to get people to support what you do.
YOU think Family Guy is funny.
YOU had to do the above with a mirror because you starred in the video as the tranny.
YOU have chocolate rain as your ring tone.
YOU give yourself hickies with a vacuum in an attempt to fool people that you actually have a lover. Trust us, you're not fooling anyone but yourself.
YOU want to rape your friend and family. Oh, only the family, You do not have any friends.
YOU are in a shitty local band noone likes, although a few people may claim to so that you don't feel bad.
YOU have wet dreams of Krillin giving you head.
YOU sucked your sister's dildo to find out what it felt like to be on the giving end.
YOU need to stop kidding yourself, they pick you last in gym, and it's not because you're the best.
YOU consider yourself to have a "competitive personality" because you play on Xbox Live.
YOU shot JFK.
YOU shot MLK.
YOU are an Americunt, therefore you're a resident of the most stupid, asinine nation in the world. Be proud.
YOU masturbate to anatomy pictures in your
Biology Zoology text book
YOU cut yourself.
YOU have been looking up some Runescape porn.
suck thousands upon thousands of cocks daily cannot even get a cock in your mouth, shithead.
YOU CAN SUCK A GOLF BALL THROUGH A GARDEN-HOSE!
YOU stab small children in the face.
YOU can't wait to call Gamestop and ask for Battletoads.
YOU bought Wii Fit to lose weight, but stopped playing after seeing your body mass index.
YOU probably think this article is not about you. However, in truth, it is.
YOU are the reason your mom cries and your dad drinks.
YOU are a Weeaboo.
YOU seriously suck.
YOU are the result of a broken condom.
YOU JUST LOST THE GAME.
YOU called rule34 on a fetus. What the fuck!?
YOU have a power level of 8999.
YOU really, REALLY just wanna go outside and kill yourself right now... just kidding. You are not going outside, ever.
YOU have been permanently banned from all boards for the following reason: X.
YOU are a fucking gypsy.
YOU are a Jew.
YOU are an accident who has no purpose in life. There is no reason for you to exist and you should become an hero.
YOU started the swine flu. Way to go Jackass.
YOU write 400-page walkthroughs for GameFAQs with a tl;dr disclaimer at the top threatening legal action against anyone who violates the copyright of your intellectual property, as if you could afford liability coverage for your shitkicker station wagon, much less a lawyer.
YOU get trolled into online political debates in which you call your opponents "idiot" and "moron" so repetitively that it loses all meaning, then claim to be in law school or business school or med school or whichever prestigious university you believe would give your opinion credibility, when in fact you've been living with your mom since you dropped out of high school 9 years ago.
YOU are a pedophile who advocates age-of-consent reform under some twisted delusion that even Helen Keller at 12 would have consented to fucking your fat, ugly, smelly, hairy, nasty, pimply-ridden ass.
YOU have more dirty dishes in front of your computer than you have in the kitchen sink.
YOU sleep alone every night. Even your dog won't sleep in your bed. You know why.
YOU wear T-shirts with cynical, sarcastic slogans that deride humanity to give a false pretense that it's you who hates the world and not the other way around.
YOU have a poster of The Little Mermaid on your wall, and fap to it every night.
YOU ARE such a pathetic wimp that YOU WILL NEVER win a real fight so YOU pick fights on the Internet. Which you still never win.
YOU love The Jonas Brothers.
YOU believe everything Glenn Beck says.
YOU listen to Justin Bieber.
YOU think "Sanjay and Craig" ripped off "Regular Show"
YOU decline the fact that your family tree is a telephone pole, but it is.
YOU are the Weakest Link. Goodbye.
YOU are fired.
YOU are Gay-for-pay.
YOU are the main source of anti-lulz in the world.
YOU don't know that everything we say about you is true.
YOU won the faggot of the year.
YOU (and this is the worst thing of all) you are You.
So do us a favor, kill yourself. Your death will reduce the world population and possibly end world hunger.
Did You Know that...
- ... YOU sing "Are we human, or are we dancer?" instead of the correct "Are we human, or are we denser?"
YOU can't handle Cubic Time, Cubic Life or Cubic Truth - for inside of Time Cube equates the most magnificent symmetry of opposites existing within the universe - for every corner has an equal opposite corner, every 2 corners has an equal opposite 2 corners, every tri-corner has an equal opposite tri-corner and every 4 corners has an equal opposite 4 corners.
YOU are dependent on other people to make you feel good.
YOU don't have a job.
YOU have Diabeetus and may qualify for a free meter from Liberty Medical.
YOU wear Silk Screen Goku Shirts.
YOU sit at home, wishing they would call.
YOU are so fat your gravitational pull will soon mess up the Earth.
YOU are a festering shit stain on evolutions cycle.
YOU collect plastic crap.
YOU screw on the side of the road Oh right, You never have and never will be screwed you cunt.
YOU are best represented in this game
YOU would be killing brain cells if you had any.
YOU are the reason why we can't have nice things.
YOU ALSO missed out on your sister's wedding to play Runescape.
YOU photoshop yourself to look good in facebook.
YOU can't do it. And if you are, YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG.
YOU like being wrong and YOU enjoy being corrected? But YOU never learn any thing.
YOU think you have a life but you don't live.
YOU spend most of your day on ED and SL because you don't have a first life.
YOU feed on Internet binary code. How ever the fuck that works?
YOU are the most in the closet FAG ever.
YOU Fail because your evil will be your undoing.
YOU are an internet tough guy.
YOU are an ass pirate.
YOU fuck your whole family cause YOU gotta keep teh inbreeding going.
YOU hate Furrys so much that YOU have accounts on several of their websites.
YOU masturbate to furry porn.
are so dumb you can't even add 1+1 you don't know what + is
YOU hate Furry art so much that YOU look at every new furry vid on Jewtube and watch every anthropomorphic second of it.
YOU can NOT stop the Furrys from Yiffing no matter how much you try no matter how much you want to.
YOU can NOT stop Zoophiles from loving animals no matter how wrong you think it is.
YOU can NOT stop looking at your mom's saggy tits or your dad's limp dick.
YOU have Bestiality Autism. (YOU see Dog cock and Dog sex every where you go)
YOU have Erectile Disfunction, Vaginismus, and Educational Disorder.
YOU lost the game before it started.
YOU are worse than TheAmazingAtheist.
YOU ARE the cancer that has killed /b/.
YOU 13 year old twat tit twits are killing the internet and when it's dead we all lose.
YOU don't have ANY of the signs of maturity (a large scar somewhere on your body, have had or need knee surgery, and a hairy mole.)
YOU like it in the ass.
YOU are addicted to sniffing paint and huffing Gas.
YOU think that YOU don't take the internet seriously but YOU do.
YOU only get sex when YOU put on your 2 tone power space armor.
YOU can dish it out but YOU can't take it.
YOU will NEVER get IT.
YOU are a failed abortion.
YOU were not born, but hatched in a petri dish during an 8th grade science class. You were then thrown out at the end of 7th period and were found fermenting in a gutter in New Jersey. Those morbidly obese smelly sacks of flesh you call your parents found you and decided to keep you as a pet and got you everything their welfare money can afford, which is why you're reading this rather long wall of text.
YOU probably contributed to this very article, pretending it doesn't apply to YOUrself?
YOUr only reason for visiting this site is so that YOU don't sound like the newfag that YOU are.
YOU actually think this article is about YOU and not the long, retarded parody that it is.
YOU love getting banned by other sites because it's so fulfilling and worth 5 cents.
YOU smoke Mudkips way too much.
YOU gonna get raped.
YOU are special. Don't let anyone else make you think otherwise...
YOU feel better about yourself from reading the sentence above even though you know it isn't true.
YOU should kill yourself.
YOU will screw that up too. AGAIN.
YOU think that this article is talking to anyone who reads this in general but really it is directly talking to you.
YOU where conceived when your father was drunk and masturbated into a mud puddle, then paid your crackwhore mother to wrestle a badger naked in that puddle for a 3 cigarettes. She then passed out and was struck by lightning, energizing the badger shit/Sean Hannity Semen/Dead Crackwhore soup, creating thousands of new species of germs. After a week of rotting under the sun, this soup rectally was consumed by a homeless schizophrenic meth addict beaner, where you coagulated into a shit fetus within his intestines for 2 days before you where shat out behind an bar in Oklahoma. Only the Devils admiration of such a disturbing and twisted being kept you alive long enough before a pack of niggers took mercy on you and raised you on a diet of their own shit and pig blood, because they didn't care about you because your so god damn ugly, stupid and worthless. Just fucking kill yourself. Get the fuck out of here. You will never know love, joy, laughter or the touch of the opposite sex. God weeps at the fact of your existence, for only he knows how truly pointless it is, and how useless you are. The end. Bitch.
YOU are a steaming pile of shit that should be hung for being such an asshole.
YOU are a wonderful person.
YOU are a niggerfaggot,and therefore you're unstable.
You and web 2.0
We realize that many of you are just "the typical middle-class fuck". Blogging, vlogging, podcasting, writing, editing, coding, drawing, tagging - all under the hope that your self-indulgent jizz-stain of work will be plastered on the front page of Time, or if not that, some shitty Web 2.0 site. You're wrong, you are nobody, and you will never be what you dream. TL;DR nobody cares.
If YOU Are...
ALRIGHT, I AM SO FUCKING TIRED OF THIS BULLSHIT; SO I'M CALLING ALL OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS OUT, ONE BY ONE! THIS IS FOR ALL YOU NIGGAS WHO SIT THERE BEHIND YOUR PC SCREENS WITH SHIT-EATING GRINS ON YOUR GOD-UGLY FACES WHILE THINKING "WELL, THEY'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT ME!" I HAVE NEWS FOR YOU, FAGGOTS!
If you are a cracker, then chances are you're a meth-head. Your skin is pasty and your teeth are so yellow from smoking all of that cheap-shit weed yo' broke-ass mommy hid around the trailer. You prolly ain't got a job, but if you do, it's ten hours a week at some shitty, whitetrash store like Family Dollar. You were born a racist and you hate everybody. You think that NASCAR is the greatest sport ever. You can't get on welfare 'cuz your poor white ass is lazy. You fuck your cousins on a daily basis and you smell like a dog while out in the rain.
If you are a nigger, you live in some rat-infested ghetto shit hole. You make a living robbin da gubbamint. Your skin color is so fucking black that nobody can see you in the dark. You think that KFC and Popeye's are the best places to eat because yanno that all niggers love fried chicken. You most certainly have about ten kids with different baby mamas because you're too unintelligent to use protection and graduate high school. You think with your dick or pussy and not your brain, because well, you are a nigger. You use crack, worship Tupac and believe OJ Simpson is the symbolism of nigger justice.
If you are a chink… Well truth be told you rate as a third minority that nobody really gives a shit about, other than to use you to pass mathematics class and laugh at your goofy eyes. All you do is eat cats, worship your obese Buddha and cause traffic accidents.
If you are a spic Then you are a minority who would get treated like a nigger as if he was in Finland. Meaning America sees you as their little bitch, less than dogshit and despite all the Jewfags who tell you that you are living the American Dream we are all still paying you a lot less really, the only reason you are getting so much money from welfare is because of your ridiculous amount of children and you sue McDonalds, Taco Bell and other cheap restaurants and blame it on you getting into fat-fucks. We only need you guys for one thing and that's to do the stupid, useless jobs nobody, not even the Britfag Pollacks wanna do, and that's just the way it is.
If you are NATIVE AMERICAN, see above. Your kind is rapidly becoming extinct by the day due to Alcoholism and retarded children. You're ugly and smell like cat piss. Fuck your Jew-operated casinos that you own, redface.
If you are a Kike then you are a worthless piece of shit who is responsible for killing Jesus, causing 9-11, WTC, violent Arabs and basically the concept of religion in the first place, fuck you and your evil scheming ways in order to take over America scumbag. You are a hypochondriac Nerd with a nasal, raspy, whiny voice and a goofy accent and are undoubtedly inbred (Ashkenazim).
If you are an Arab then you are an evil hairy ugly inbred ablutophobic, greasy (did I mention hairy) monkey who scream words in your language (gibberish) steal all of our oil and bugger little boys and rape white women (just like our niggers) whom you are always managing to try and convert into your shitty Islamic religion which even Britfags are now doing, screw you Pakis.
If you are an Indian then you stink like shit, have an annoying accent and a tiny penis and SUCK at managing your job at 7-ELEVEN and at Tech Support.
If you are a Turk you are a filthy horde of short, smelly, ugly, hairy men who pollute and take over Germany, same as what Spics are doing to the United States, Pakis are doing to England and what Algerians are doing to France though nobody cares about Frogmunchers anyway so why comment on that? P.S. You scumbags are NOT Italian so stop trying to act like it you are failing miserably. Your women are as ugly as fuck which is why some of you choose to be transsexuals.
If you are a High Schooler then you will always be the Loner.
If you are a Loner...
If you are Kraut then you suck ass and only bully France because you like starting crap and are bullshit at winning wars and you have never won one, you also get bullied by Greece regularly too and get Mexico'ed by Turkey.
If you are American, you are a citizen of the most fucked up nation on earth. You think being over 200 pounds is average as you dine at McDonald's and Wendy's. You are obese and stupid; you don't know how many sides a fucking triangle has, or who the Prime Minister of Canada is. There's lots of lulzy shit about you that the rest of the world laughs at.
If you are a Britfag you are a filthy rotten little chav who talks like a Down's Syndrome child and say "init" all the fucking time, you have rotten crooked yellow teeth and are even more inbred than a hillnigger with a lot more shitty bling on the side. Londonistan is under constant surveillance by the Government, you deserved what you have gotten and it is all because of YOU.
GOOD NEWS FOR YOU!
YOU will soon die, horribly of course.
YOU will die alone, so don't worry about anyone else suffering with you.
YOU can put a metal fork into a electrical outlet to jump start YOUR brain.
YOU can commit suicide to make the world a better place and be remembered as an hero.
YOU were invited to Lulzcon! This is the single most importantly lulzy experience of YOUR life. But if YOU'RE reading this now, YOU probably failed to get there. Fucking loser. YOU suck ass and YOU secretly enjoy saying the cake is a lie while YOU masturbate in the shower.
YOUR penis is a stub. YOU can help by tugging on it.
Luckily there is hope.
Granted you will most likely fail even at this.
Gunnery Sargent Hartman is the world's foremost expert on YOU. YOUR only hope to become something even remotely useful is by signing up in the marines and entering boot camp under his command - but that won't ever happen, because lest we forget, YOU are the world's biggest vagina.
|YOU||About missing Pics|
- No one likes you
- Your mom
- Your Birthday
- Silk Screen Goku Shirt
- Guy Macon's original post
| You is part of a series on Dying Alone
|Featured article June 13, 2010|
| Preceded by|
|You|| Succeeded by|