From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Warhammer 40,000 (Also known as Plastic Crack) is what you see when you imagine what your teenage years would have been like without ED, friends, or 4chan. A player could spend upwards of $200 of their parent's money on pieces and playing areas, all for the satisfaction of beating people who spent slightly less of their parent's money on their respective set of plastic toys.
40K players flock to events and conventions, usually taking place in hobby stores, video game shops, and other various nerd hangouts, and are usually well run and completely free of douchebags and faggotry. Player-run meetups, however, resemble taking the school bus back in high school: a bunch of obnoxious fuckwits crammed into an uncomfortable space calling each other fags while a short, stubby person tries to get them to shut the hell up and sit down. The game has also spawned two boring PC games in which you get totally raped by the A.I. because you didn't buy the 16th upgrade to your second series infantry 45 minutes ago. 40k fans are constantly getting into flamewars with Starcraft 2 fans OTI, despite the fact that the two games play almost exactly the same.
TL;DR: Remember the time you were at your favorite toy store and there was a 9001% rise in the neckbeard population around two tables covered in overpriced pieces of injection-molded plastic of +3 virginity and despair? That's Warhammer.
Over the countless years of its existence the WH40K franchise has a large coherent and extended fictional universe. That is to say: a clusterfuck of Pseudo-Scientific explanations and futuristic-sounding religious stories. Unsurprisingly, diehard nerds and Juvenile fanboys alike swear by its expansive and mature scope. No doubt, in an attempt justify the fact that they are grown men playing with overpriced army men.
Tens of thousands of years prior to the rise of man, the Eldar, an advanced race of aliens, who despite evolving millions of years earlier on a different planet, look exactly like humans with pointy ears. Yes, essentially Space-elves. Anyways, they were already sailing through the stars aboard advanced starships, and due to how special, elite and mind-powerful they were, eventually started to go insane and gang-raping and bukkaked each-other, which eventually caused the fabric of the universe to shatter, the vast majority of the Gods of the Eldar to all die, the vast majority of the race to perish, and one of the Gods of Chaos, Slaanesh, was born in the hole in the fabric of the universe. Thank god it doesn't work that way IRL.
The Warp (known by non-Warhammer fans who are still basement-dwellers as hyperspace 2: Electric Boogaloo)
Star Trek, Star Wars, and basically every other science fiction series uses hyperspace. 40K, however, uses the Warp, which is the gay pink-purple alternate-reality that explains both interstellar travel and why there are ugly demons running around in sci-fi land. Comparing the two, hyperspace is like DSL, while the Warp is like trying to connect to the internetz on dial-up with a frayed wire in the small town of Atalaxupalpatinowahasibixo, Mexico.
We would like to point out that the technological line makes absolutely no fucking sense. For some reason the most powerful troops in the game still use guns that fire bullets 40,000 years in the future instead of using lasers to win the universe. In fact the guns they use were the kind declared useless back in the 60's, that for some reason the American military still uses (see below). And just for shits and giggles, the Imperium decided it would be a good idea to make some of their space ships run on diesel engines. And why is this? Because god told them to.
In recent years, 40K has achieved a significant presence in internet nerdom. It has long been a staple of certain 4chan boards, sci-fi forums, and Otaku congregations. Originally only the most pathetic nerds with rich parents could afford to buy little metal-or-plastic figures, and the most obsessive could find time to paint and decorate them.
Then along came Video games, which allowed even unemployed trailer-trash and dirt-poor basement-dwellers to lead around space marine chapters or Ork clans, and talk with other nerds about how k00l their favorite army is and how the Blood Ravens could totally beat the Ultramarines. It also allows one to discuss these fascinating things without buying an army, inducing rage in people who've spent billions of dollars on their little plastic shit.
Apart from Warhammer nerd, each 40K faction also represents a nerd subtype. You can tell which faction a player is using by the varying degrees of anti-social displayed by the plastic pieces.
—Legendary actor, John Hurt, inadvertantly trolling players of every other army in the game.
Space Marines (pronounced 'Spehss Mehreens') are the genetically enhanced supermen of the Imperium. They each have two hearts, four lungs, and at least 100 backup systems. Despite this, just about every picture or cinematic of Space Marines show them being viciously murdered by space elves using fencing swords or large green men using blunt axes. They are the goody-goody two-shoes (for humans, anyway) of the 40K universe, and run into battle crying "For the Emperor!"!! This being the grimdark 41st millenia, this just means they usually have a reason for blowing up human planets.
At least 100 years ago, but not as many 100 years as the Imperium of Man, Horus, the son of the GEoM, decided that he liked furries and dwelling in Connecticut. After the emperor kicked his ass (because it's totally a great idea to go against someone called the "God Emperor of Mankind") the hordes of Chaos fled back into the Warp, where they periodically come out in the form of Nazi-furries, utilizing pale, black clad former space marines, mutants, and various daemons to accomplish their ends. The Hordes of Chaos are divided by the gods which they serve.
Every Chaos player is an anti-social masochist. Every one.
- Chaos Undivided - These cop-outs can't decide who to serve, and try to be cool and say "I serve everyone!" Which ignores the fact "Chaos Undivided" is an oxymoron.
- Khorne - The Chaos god of war. He drinks a lot of blood and has a sick fetish with it. He now suffers from AIDS. Khorne players are all macho Conan wannabes who clearly haven't looked at their excuses for arms in a long time. Half of them probably couldn't even lift a real axe, and so have pathetic 1mm plastic axes instead.
- Nurgle - One word for every follower of the god of disease and death: sickfuck. The marines of Nurgle are walking around with their intestines spilling out, and apparently this is appealing to players. Despite being the god of all things horrid, Nurgle treats every last one of his followers like his children.
- Tzeentch - The Chaos Lord of Change. That's right, folks, when you thought it was a good idea to vote for the black guy, you were worshiping Tzeentch.
- Slaanesh - This is a long time favorite, the god of
pleasureRule 34. All of his units look like penises. Slaanesh's power is not confined merely to sexual gratifications, included here also is pain, suffering, drugs and all other extreme sensations. While sex, pleasure and all things hendoistic is included in the culture of Slaaneshi followers, they may also pursue more grotesque pleasures and feelings like self-mutilation, self-immolation, heavy metal or anything related to the previous fields.
Miku falls to the pestilences of Nurgle
The Inquisition: everyone's fucking guilty. They can't quite spell simple 5 letter words like "demon", but hey, whatever, who needs spelling when you have the firepower the Inquisition is packing? Currently under the watchful eye of their supreme commander, Chris Hansen, Daemonhunters stand head and shoulders above everyone else in the world of 40K, mainly because they've probably just chopped off some knees.
Daemonhunters have a
right duty to kill, slaughter, maim, and deep fry the innocent citizens of the Imperium in their ongoing efforts to purify the taint of Chaos infiltration. When a planet has been overrun with heretics, xenos, mutants and other inhuman scum, and the Inquisition is unable to contain it in the planet, they resort to the lovable "Exterminatus" which consists of either igniting the entire planets atmosphere, destabilizing the planets core and making it explode, or turning everything on the planets surface to sludge using a virus bomb.
Like IRL special authorities, they have way to much legal power and usually use it to make the lives of citizens miserable while ignoring real criminals.
If you thought regular elves in traditional fantasy genres were bad, you clearly haven't seen space elves. The Eldar think themselves superior to all other lesser races despite the fact that they are responsible for fucking up the universe for everyone else. Will happily eradicate entire black person worlds just to save a handful of Eldar.
The Dark Eldar were originally Eldar, but after the Fall of the Eldar decided that hey, orgies are fun, lets keep it up and add in masochist tendencies, sex slaves, and fetish shit! The Eldar are pointy eared douches, but the Dark Eldar are pointy headed fuckers. The Dark Eldar are what you get if the angsty Faggoth Emos made their own army, and presumably that is what these things were intended for. They torture prisoners to death, wear black spiky clothes, use beaten slaves to do their bidding, and generally act the same way emos wish they could act IRL.
Whoever wrote up the Dark Eldar is a sick fuck.
Renowned for having land vehicles made of wet cardboard.
It should also be noted, that they are one of the hardest to play races on the table top. Effectivly wasting 200$ for a half decent 1000 point army.
Whoever plays the Dark Eldar is a sick Otaku Furry Fag who's more than likely had a run-in with Chris Hansen before. They are also obviously lolicons, into animal pr0n, and basically sick and decadent in every way. They should be ignored, reviled, and reported to the proper authorities immediately.
40K being a transparent ripoff of D&D, the "dark eldar" are simply Forgotten Realms drow. Hence the kinky sex, which is what drow are all about. If it turns out that the "dark eldar" are matriarchal and have a thing for spider motifs ...
Not to be confused with neocons, the Necrons were an old people that ran into some fairly nasty gods way out in space. The gods promised the living Necron race immortality and fun times if they'd sacrifice their bodies to the gods to be replaced with metallic-y goodness. So the Necrons were all eaten by the gods and turned into brainless terminators. The Necrons are now scattered around the galaxy in stasis chambers, awaiting the order to reawaken and star in Terminator 10. Arnold Schwarzenegger, current governor of Cahlifoernia, is a Necron. They'll beh bahck.
Please note that Necrons offer very little variety in units; but it's okay since they pwn everything,that is till the latest rulebook came out and nerfed them. Opening any Warhammer forum will find at least 60 threads bitching about this.
The Tyranids are 40K's rendition of the Zerg, well actually Starcraft copied from 40k, which copied H.R. Giger's Xenomorphs, which all copied from Starship Troopers. They sail through space in massive hive fleets, devouring all life in their path and absorbing it into their culture, leaving behind empty, airless rocks where habitable planets once were. Everybody (and by that we mean Gooks) want Tyranids in Dawn of War 2 because then Asians can play Dawn of War just like they play Starcraft. Tyranid players are all zergling rush fags online. Too bad Tyranids are retarded bipolar fucknuts who can't go five feet away from a smarter Tyranid because they can't fucking wipe their own ass without a helping hand.
Tyranids in the tabletop game on the other hand are another matter entirely. The basic infantry unit (Vortigaunt), is cheaper than most of other races, but still can fuck your shit up good. They doesn't even have digestive systems - they are created, sent into battle for a few hours of frenzied combat, and then recycled. Also when they die you roll a dice and they can respawn. To make matters worse, their heavy units are also just as cheap, so just picture a Zerg rush coupled with a whole fucking battalion of living, breathing, shitting tanks and you can probably guess that you're fucked.
The Orks are the greenest niggers that don't know how to do anything except for fight. They are, as a rule comic relief degenerates who can't even speak correctly and are a waste of society's resources. Much like niggers they spend alot of their time pimping their rides, fighting each other and shooting every thing else.
It should be noted that, unlike all the other races in Warhammer, the Orks don't take life seriously. They fight because they want to have fun. Truly, internet dwellers and Orks are just brothers from different mothers. Similarly, there are no ork females, just like online! They reproduce via fungus spores. Thankfully, those who play them cannot, and thus will never contaminate the genepool.
Because the writers of the fluff for Warhammer are retarded, they actually made an extremely convoluted explanation for why the average ork's technology works. It works because they believe it works! Instead of having psykers like everyone else, the orks have a psychic field that makes all of their looted, broken and cobbled together tech work.
On the other end of the sickfuck spectrum from the Dark Eldar, lie the dominatrix legions of the Witch Hunters. Normal Inquisitors are lame. Angry white haired, well endowed ladies in red and black latex are toting guns and here for your soul. The female branch of the Inquisition demonstrates that A.) Women are clearly inferior to Men, as seen by differences in armour and weapons skill and B.) Gunslinger chicks can be sort of hawt, if you're into pewter pr0n. The fluff states that they don't have to be celibate.
Players who field the Battle Sisters come in two forms:
- Horny 13-year-olds who fantasize about being dominated by women - enough said.
- Feminists - They enjoy the smell of man-flesh burning in the fires of hand-held promethium in the morning. Sick bastards.
The Tau are what you would get if the Chinks were blue space communists, and were as high tech as they pretend to be. They were probably designed so that Anime-worshiping Otaku could have their own special species, as shown by the fact Tau all use giant battle-suits in order to look high-tech. The Tau are the only WH40k species that have realized that IRL guns beat swords and so make the most badass guns possible and hope that the bayonet-toting cannon-fodder don't get too close.
- Fire Warriors - These are the blue, hairless furries that carry around the best ranged weaponry in the 40K universe. Games involving these are easily decided; if there is a blank table, Tau win. If there is ANY cover at all, Tau lose. This means that Tau games usually involve 15 minutes of actual gaming after arguing for 2 hours about the placement of trees on the board.
- Kroot - These featherless birdmen things are there to save the asses of the Tau when it comes to close combat. Eat the corpses of their enemies. Troops come naked with spears and knives. Anybody who plays Kroot excessively or as their own army is without exception a closet cannibal.
- Vespids - Big blue bugs. Presumably they represent the Japanese, since they are both creepy, impossible to understand, and serve the Chinks.
- Human Allies - The WH40K version of weebs. They are composed of Imperial traitors that believe the Tau are friends of humanity. They are armed with the shittiest weapons in the game and die very quickly, just like how real weeabs would pick a katana over a gun and suffer the consequences of their choice.
Throughout the majority of human history, any military unit labeled "imperial" or "guard" has generally been of superior quality and capable of dishing out the pwn on everyone else. In the fagged up universe of 40K, the profusion of furry monsters, man eating eurocunts and random killing machines render the best that humanity has to offer mere cannon fodder. The Imperial Guard of Man is devoted to the emperor and proud of losing billions of men from a million worlds each day in defense of the Imperium. The Communists just wish they could lose this many men in battle.
IG fare in the 40K universe is pretty standard. Each trooper is issued several things and told to go off to war.
- Lasgun - Your basic laser blaster thingamajig. It sucks so much that players affectionately refer to it as the "flashlight".
- Bayonet - 12 inches of good fine steel vs. lightsabers, zerg, power axes, tanks....
- Flak Jacket - Outdated since 1944.
- Autogun - Space AK-47. That's it. For some reason the Imperial Gaurd doesn't deploy their troops into battle with these, even though they are better than the lasguns in every way. Forget the fact that they fire hot lead really fast instead of shooting fucking lasers, the autogun is still better somehow. Found only in the books and in about two games.
Despite having the shittiest of gear, the Imperium of Man is STILL the most powerful faction in 40K. This is because it can actually afford to lose billions of people each day as chump change.
In addition to the soldiers, there are several supporting departments in the IG.
- The Ecclesiarchy - Supplies priests armed with two handed chainsaws capable of cutting tanks in half. Yeah. Holy shit indeed.
- The Commissariat - The most badass communists you ever saw. Ever.
- Baneblade - killdozer crewed by hackers on steroids. Supports 11 heavy weapons to systematically rape anyone in front of them. Are totally not compensating for anything.
The Imperial Guard supports genocide of all non-humans, and is willing to send YOU into battle to accomplish this. If you don't like that, the local Commissar will motivate you to do it anyway. Generally played by people who wish they could be hardcore communists, while forgetting the fact that you don't get any money to buy shitty plastic figurines in a communist system, or, in the specific case of Death Korps of Krieg because you're either German or a closet fascist (but probably both). Seriously, it even says that the Death Korps was designed after WWII's Wehrmacht on the wiki page (look at the bottom of the page, under 'Trivia').
Trolling the neckbeards involved with Warhammer can be fun. Neckbeards treat Warhammer with such serious business that it's easy to drive them into a nerd rage over what is normally considered an obvious troll. Some trolling techniques:
- Draw/post Rule 63 of the characters in Warhammer. For example, a female emperor of mankind.
- Draw/post Rule 34 of the characters in Warhammer such as this, greater effect if it's interracial. Or guro.
- Add female space marine to a tournament. This is guaranteed to create massive rage amongst the neckbeards, the neckbeards will either rage about your ignorance that space marines are only male or will rage that you deliberately chose to ignore the sacred canon of Games Workshop.
- Write love stories between the various races in Warhammer. For example, an Eldar and a human falling in love. Basically, if it goes against established canon, it's guaranteed to cause rage.
- Tell the warhammer neckbeards that you're using your warhammer figurines in a D&D campaign.
- Write homoerotic rape fan fiction, like Squad broken!
- Be Matt Ward.
- Tell whorehammer fags that Warhammer 40,000: Space Marine is a blatant rip-off of Gears of War. Though not necessarily true (As after all, every single third-person shooter is exactly the fucking same), the whorehammer fans will RAGE at the mere reference to Gears of War.
Trolling the parents of children that should have been aborted, but were instead called miracles by their batshit parents, who then proceeded to plaster pictures of their abomination all over the internet can also produce some lulz. Techniques include:
- Photoshop pictures of the Emperor condemning the mutant and calling for its swift end.
- Remind the parents on their child's website constantly that their children are filthy mutants.
- Also remind them that the fate of all mutants is to be purged.
- When the unclean one finally dies from not having a working brain, or a full set of organs, or a complete face, or whatever, be sure to let it be known that the Emperor looks upon this as the delivery of his own divine justice.
- The Emperor protects.
List of Those Who Have Known The Emperor's Will
Those Who Have Escaped The Emperor's Justice, For Now
Over 9000 years ago there existed a warhammer forum called Portent.net that was enjoyed by all the good Warhams.For some unknown reason one day the GW legal team decided that Portent was in breach of GW IP and BAWLEETED everything. Lost and confused, many Warhams killed themselves in the interim period. Eventually some fag called Nick decided to found a new forum in the spirit of the original Portent, and thus Warseer.net was born. After the massive Warham purge of 1978, however, all that was left to populate the new forum was a series of rapists, pedos and terrorists. The worst of these individuals were recruited into the mod team and began to rule over the forums with an spunk crusted fist. Warseer quickly degenerated into mind numbing circle jerk in which any comments interpreted as remotely negative resulted in a banned account. It is common knowledge that only discussions on female space marines are permited on warseer by the mod team. As a result of the extreme micromanaging mod team Warseer has been subject to inumerable raids from such groups as Slaaneshi Daemon World, which have resulted in even more lulzworthy crackdowns on the forum populace.
on Sunday 20th December 2009, Brimstone, legendary faggot became an hero, slitting his wrists when he finally realized he was a 42 year old man who moderated a website dedicated to imaginary plastic men
Widely agreed to be the worst mod in existence, Wintermute inrl is a 40 something nambla advocate who splits his time between discussing issues with forum members, 'babysitting' his sister's young sons, and working as a temp in a model shop somewhere in the south of britain. Wintermute will ban you for basically anything because as his profile occupation states, he "wields the banhammer". Here are some of the reasons why you will be banned by wintermute:
- Being a black person
- Saying pepsi is better than coke
- Posting a space marine without tits
- Being a bug chaser
- Being alive
- being dead
- Posting anything
- Not posting anything
This dude needs his own article, seriously. Here's a sample quote found far from his cozy ban-happy home of WarSeer:
Speaking of being b&, if you go on WarSeer and you've never read the phrase,
A Warseer mod who claimed for the longest time to be an overweight Canadian lesbian. After some time it was revealed that starlight was in fact an overweight Canadian homosexual male. It is unknown why he is still a mod but it is widely speculated that upon news of this revelation, Nick simply shrugged continued and continued receiving a blowjay from the newly emancipated tranny.
A regular poster of Warseer, Doc Thunder has a condition that forces him to sculpt tits on whatever model he is currently working on. Worse, because of a lack of general talent Doc Thunder actually has to hire outside help to assist him in mounting tits on various tanks, griffons and grues. When confronted over his awful preoccupation Doc Thunder will compose a 13 page reply defending his art and calling into question the sexuallity of the questionaire
Aussiefag who trolls the news and rumor forums and calls dibbs on reporting anything 40k related,when not taking it up the ass from fellow warseer user:The Dude, hes spending every waking moment of his life ripping news from other 40k sites like belloflostsouls and pretending to be a mod with empty threats of the ban-hammer.
Typical uses for Warhammer toys
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- Exterminatus Now - What you get when Furries decide they like WH40k Prepare the eye bleach.
- Unreal Tournament - Warhammer-esque characters.
- Gears of War - Warhammer-esque weapons.
- Neckbeard - All Warhammer players have one.
- Imperial Stars - Formerly Imperial Assassins, this Californian band are the official band of Warhammer.
- /tg/ - Where all the Warhammerfags hang out.
- /tg/s 40.000 wiki
- Official Games Workshop Website
- Official Dawn of War Website
- Science Fiction Forums
- Warseer Forums
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