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The Drudge Retort

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This scene represents Hope and Change™ to many a sodomite leftist...
...and here's whose shit the other guys have been so eagerly wolfing down for the past 8 years.

The Drudge Retort (motto: Red Meat for Yellow Dogs) is an e-colosseum where bitter IRL oldfags, alcoholics, sociopaths, the chronically unemployed, Christfags, rednecks, charlatans, racists, junkies, retards, and various combinations of the above gather to brutally savage one another on a daily basis (and, occasionally, to discuss politics).

Contents


History

LarryMOAR/Zarathustra admires his work.
Replies to the thread about this article over time.
 
 
Only people speaking the language of known conflict have now become the entire housing military.
 

 

—Moneywar, on effective 21st century communication.


Shortly after entering his third consecutive sunlight-free decade of life, a 17th-level paladin known IRL as Rogers Cadenhead took Computer Science III, thereby gaining enough XP to become a 1337 h4xx0r. Thus, young Rogers discovered a way to make a living and remain a basement dweller at the same time.

Cadenhead used to run the Cruel Site of the Day, and also exposed the fact that TOW founder Jimbo Wales had been editing his own biography. Then, sometime last Thursday, Cadenhead registered the domain drudge.com before that greasy dickbag Matt Drudge could get his smegma-encrusted hands on it. As a result, most users who end up habitually shitposting at the Retort found it entirely by accident.

As parody is the Retort's birthright, it is only fitting that many Drudgetards themselves are absurd mockeries of the human form.

This Article: The Thread

Lmoar256.gif
(USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS POST)

News of this article was brought to the DR's attention by an intrepid EDiot posting as LarryMOAR/Zarathustra, who risked e-life and limb to spread the lulz. The chosen handle differs by only a single letter from the name of a legitimate poster and emulated his writing style, further adding to Drudgetards' confusion. In the end, LarryMOAR paid the ultimate price for injecting a bit of EDiocy into an otherwise ordinary late PM/early AM on the Retort. Fortunately, his other dissociated identity - Zarathustra - lives on to troll another day.
All motions for restraining orders, LOLsuits, claims of libel, as well as requests for endorsement deals and interviews, have been forwarded to LarryMOAR/Zarathustra's e-lawyer, who stated that he was only authorized to release the following statement:

My client, LarryMOAR/Zarathustra, is in fine spirits this morning, and is expected to make a near-full recovery after being hit with the banhammer early this AM. He would like you all to know that he did it for teh lulz and that he's been properly medicated so as to prevent complications during his upcoming surgery -- which was deemed necessary for the greater good of the gene pool. Mr. MOAR notes that hospital food isn't nearly as good as microwaveable Hot Pockets, Kraft EZ-Mac, or Mom's Spaghetti, however, and eagerly awaits returning to the simpler pleasures in life -- such as the unforgiving pwnage of n00bs in the World of Warcraft, and masturbating before he masturbates to get the day started by 3 in the afternoon.

A Challenger Appears

Zarathustra bears the burden of forgoing recognition in favor of a life of quiet asceticism.

Apparently this prank was so successful - with Drudgetards effectively misdirected and spun in so many circles - that a full confession would not suffice to quell skepticism among DR regulars:

 
 
Zarathustra, Bull shit. You didn't post it. Opportunist.
 

 

—Posted by Ron_Karate.


Disappearing into the crowd like an awkward pimple-faced teenager at a highschool dance, Zarathustra can now only spectate as blame will likely continue to be assigned to more favored scapegoats:

  • I am betting it's either Rex or Jackass. It's typical of their ilk.
  • My guess would be that Montecore is the author of the page.
  • Montecore's not that clever. I'm pretty sure it is ozarkaggie
  • The culprit in my opinion? I believe Hans has come back and paid us a visit.
  • I was thinking Nulli. He's been way too quiet lately.
  • Does anyone remember the Secret Diary of Rogers Cadenhead?
  • Creative enough to be Doc, but I don't know if he's geek enough. I'm going to guess that it was done by Roger's wife, who probably sees us as the bunch of freaks we are.
  • it has manypaths written all over it - syntax. has he even weighed in on this yet?
  • 101 - was this your work? Tell the truth, man!
  • AU, that you?
  • I'm also beginning to think "Olly" is AU.
  • Soooo? Olly (aka AU?) could have done the "What Does the DR Do for You?" thread along with help from Hans. AU did the background music for Han's "Drudge Retort Report" radio show so wouldn't be the first time AU and HANS worked together.

Recognizing that he'd been trying too hard for an unappreciative world, Zarathustra swore an oath to never leave Mom's basement again. Furthermore, in anticipation of the armageddon, this hopeless fail-troll resigned himself to living out the rest of his days by surviving on microwaveable pizza rolls, chocolate milk, and masturbating at least six times a day to pictures of Jessica Alba.

Topics

Recent polling shows that 9/10 Rethuglicans deeply envy this cigar.
The Internet Fuckwad Theory. The author of this bullshit is a perfect example of the Theory in action.
When you boil it down, this is the basis of all arguments on the Retort.

What would internet politics be without angry, delusional people on opposite sides of the ideological spectrum?
The Big Three subjects - God, Guns (see also: car antennae), and Gheys - are dependable sources of much bad argumentation and rage.

 
 
I get it now... you don't really understand English that well. That is why you keep repeated the same tired bullshit over and over. Here let me get out my English/Lobotomese dictionary and translate for you: ARRRrrrrrrr.... UUURrrRGgggghhh... Ooorrrrrffff fRrreuuuuughhh.
 

 

—MooManFL, on how best to communicate over this series of tubes.


"Am I addicted to the Drudge Retort?"
Some common symptoms:

 
 
It's 4:34 in the morning and you're still arguing...
 

 

—AmericanUnity, on the ravages of addiction.


The following thread meets and exceeds on many counts:


Michael Moore: Goodbye, GM
http://www.drudge.com/news/121604/michael-moore-goodbye-gm

~~~~~

...anyway... night everyone. Moo needs sleep badly.Take care and keep safe.
#98 | Posted by moomanfl at 2009-06-02 02:12 AM 


You too MOOMAN :-0
#100 | Posted by AMERICANUNITY at 2009-06-02 02:14 AM 


Sorry... I am an addict. I couldn't resist one last refresh. *SIGH*
#102 | Posted by moomanfl at 2009-06-02 02:17 AM 


...Get some rest. You need it! LOL Have a good one.
#104 | Posted by AMERICANUNITY at 2009-06-02 02:25 AM 


...Later. Homie don't play that.
#108 | Posted by AMERICANUNITY at 2009-06-02 02:37 AM 


Now good NIGHT :) Let me sleep. As soon as I start getting ready to shut everything down, my sixth sense keeps telling me you are typing. LOL Seriously though. I really have to find the will to drag my eyes away from the screen, but every time I try I remember one more thing I meant to do that I forgot today. Then I find myself saying "just one more refresh".
#111 | Posted by moomanfl at 2009-06-02 02:41 AM 


MOOMAN: This is where I should pull out 101st's BS line about "I'm in your head". LOL
#114 | Posted by AMERICANUNITY at 2009-06-02 02:48 AM 


...And with that I will try once again to bid you adieu. Maybe I can manage it this time.
#117 | Posted by moomanfl at 2009-06-02 02:59 AM 


I just realized also, what has been keeping me awake: the big fallacy in your argument about Paulson...
#119 | Posted by moomanfl at 2009-06-02 03:12 AM 


...I'm pretty much done wanting to go over this tonight...
#122 | Posted by AMERICANUNITY at 2009-06-02 03:21 AM 


...then you admit you contradicted yourself...Schizo much?...
#124 | Posted by moomanfl at 2009-06-02 03:28 AM 


#125 | Posted by AMERICANUNITY at 2009-06-02 03:36 AM 
#128 | Posted by moomanfl at 2009-06-02 03:39 AM 
#129 | Posted by moomanfl at 2009-06-02 03:43 AM 
#130 | Posted by AMERICANUNITY at 2009-06-02 03:46 AM 
#131 | Posted by moomanfl at 2009-06-02 03:52 AM 
#132 | Posted by AMERICANUNITY at 2009-06-02 03:55 AM 
#133 | Posted by AMERICANUNITY at 2009-06-02 04:01 AM 


MOOMANFL Sleep. Read. Ponder. You for America or against it?
#134 | Posted by AMERICANUNITY at 2009-06-02 04:02 AM 


I am beginning to question which one of us need sleep more.
Quoting a Nobel Prize winning Economist to support your position when that person opposes the auto bailouts?
That sounds like a post from the depths of exhaustion to me.
#136 | Posted by moomanfl at 2009-06-02 04:14 AM 


Good night.
#143 | Posted by AMERICANUNITY at 2009-06-02 04:28 AM 


"It's a waste of time to debate an ideologue."
Pot meet kettle.
#147 | Posted by moomanfl at 2009-06-02 04:34 AM 


...sorry, my eyes are glazed over by your lack of empathy for Americans.
#157 | Posted by AMERICANUNITY at 2009-06-02 05:30 AM 


I'm going to bed. I have reached my limit tonight debating right wingers who spout rhetoric and display a distinct lack of support for fellow Americans - except in slogans and flags. Night.
#160 | Posted by AMERICANUNITY at 2009-06-02 05:33 AM 


It's 4:34 in the morning and you're still arguing...
#163 | Posted by AMERICANUNITY at 2009-06-02 05:38 AM 


For the final time, goodnight, MOOMAN.
#166 | Posted by AMERICANUNITY at 2009-06-02 05:43 AM 


...Night y'all.
#171 | Posted by AMERICANUNITY at 2009-06-02 05:51 AM 


...You know what, AU. Fuck you and the high hobby horse you sit on...You are just a pathetic little sniveling asshole that thinks calling someone "unpatriotic" is the height of wit.
#175 | Posted by moomanfl at 2009-06-02 06:03 AM 


Oh, gee, now I won't be able to sleep...Staying up to get the last word? Help yourself. Here's mine: You're alright, MOOMAN. Just completely and utterly self serving on the issue of saving American jobs...
#177 | Posted by AMERICANUNITY at 2009-06-02 06:19 AM 


You're tired. Get some sleep. No need to start in on the name calling and tirades. See you later.
And with that I'm turning off my computer. You may have the last word ....
#179 | Posted by AMERICANUNITY at 2009-06-02 06:26 AM 


Oh... I get it now... you don't really understand English that well. That is why you keep repeated the same tired bullshit over and over. Here let me get out my English/Lobotomese dictionary and translate for you: ARRRrrrrrrr.... UUURrrRGgggghhh... Ooorrrrrffff fRrreuuuuughhh. Did you understand that, fuckwit? Try digging that finger up your nose a little farther. Maybe you will find at least one braincell left in that vacuous cavern you call a skull that will understand what say next...What a fucking idiotic joke you are.
Posted by moomanfl at 2009-06-02 06:40 AM 


I may saunter to bed and read awhile...
#184 | Posted by AMERICANUNITY at 2009-06-02 06:40 AM 


Like I said, have the last word. I don't care. You're over the edge now. I"m turning my computer off. You're just getting plain abusive and incoherent. Later.
#186 | Posted by AMERICANUNITY at 2009-06-02 06:46 AM 

~~~~~

LOL 4.5 hrs:

Anyway... night everyone. Moo needs sleep badly.Take care and keep safe.
#98 | Posted by moomanfl at 2009-06-02 02:12 AM 
.....
....
...
..
.
Posted by moomanfl at 2009-06-02 06:40 AM


God

Ourgodisanawesomegod2.jpg
President Obama causes his mind to merge with Gaia, thus subjugating the laws of physics to his One Infinite Will.
Christfags are driving the idiocracy.
Hyuck, hyuck...You betcha!

 
 
I wish I could have been there to ram that wafer up that lib profs ass.
 

 

FWThom, on what Jesus would've done after a science professor desecrated a cracker.


Nothing gets a jabbering fundo spinning out of control as quickly as a thread on religion, and our fucked up society offers no shortage of fodder as an excuse for the falsely pious to smear shit all over a thread. Christfags really seem to enjoy fantasizing about the breakdown of society, the eventual end of the world, and a bunch of other shit nobody cares about:

 
 
And the residents of Sodom gathered round the 50 yard line at the homecoming game, and they did protest loudly in their leather and chains with transgendered friends holding hands. And the revelling crowd cheered them on as officials placed the crown upon the impaired effeminate male. "Three cheers for our Queen!" said the onlooking crowd. And the Queen did respond in good Sodom fashion, "Bring me all your men, that I might know them!" And the crowd answered with heartfelt joy, "Hooray for moral degredation! Hooray for degeneracy and perversion! Hooray for our debasement of the common good! Hooray...Hooray...Hooray!"
 

 

TheOneBS, on getting horny.


Guns

While there are many interesting varieties of gun-loving Drudgetards, they all share one trait: a dangerously tenuous grip on reality. Thankfully, the Black Jesus is mobilizing his brownshirts to confiscate all weaponry as you read these words. While deine Papiere are being processed at the re-education center, get to know some of the different kinds of people who use guns.

(Or, for MOAR coverage of the ongoing self-defense debate, kindly refer to car antennae.)

Gallerie de Gunfaggotry About missing Pics

Gheys

How Prop 8 was passed.
"But if we gave teh gheys equal rights, we'd have to recognize every abomination!"
Moar pen0r, pleeth!
This guy will be giving out Carlsbad Grimples to Republicunt senators before too long.

Most good Christians realize that faggotry is an ungodly, decadent, but strangely irresistible act of deviance from the word of god. Californistan's recent passage of Proposition 8 has caused epic butthurt amongst libtard circles, while cuntservatives take the opportunity to celebrate. However, there are still a few heathens left who would have you believe that you can't pray the gay away:

 
 
For all those who claim that homosexuality is a choice... go to www.redtube.com it's a fairly decent porn site with a diverse selection. Everything from run-of-the-mill missionary to Japanese robotic penetration machines and Brazilian Fart Porn. Find a video featuing women. Preferrably lesbians or masturbation... no cock. Just to keep it controlled. Time how long it takes you to get a boner. Do not masturbate. Turn off the video once you have a boner, let it go away, and do something else to clear your mind for a bit. Some laundry. Whatever. Go back and look in the gay section. Find a video withno women in it and try to see how long it takes you to get a boner. Don't worry, if you're uncomfortable with your sexual identity, remember you're doing this for science. It doesn't make you gay. Once again, do not masturbate. Ideally you should repeat this a several more times with different videos to get a decent amount of data. Now a bit of musing... Did you have to decide to get a woody when you looked at the women? Did you have to try not to get a stiffy when watching the men? Think on that one for a second.
 

 

ZombieHunter, on testing for teh ghey.


Not to be deterred, some seek to gain the intellectual upper-hand by appealing to reason:

 
 
You're just misdirecting the facts by not producing some statistics of your own...University of Missouri, St. Louis, indicates that there are 2-3% of men, and 2-4% of women who are gay...That is less than 1% of total American population.
 

 

—Tadowe, on people who are neither men nor women.


 
 
I believe that most people that are gay are just lazy about relationships. Having a relationship with a woman is hard work, both to get some lovin and then to maintain the relationship through time as men and women are just wired different. Most of my gay friends have had experiences with both men and women but have decided to go the gay route based on ease of relationships...Given that, I could see therapy 'working' in the sense that people fight the urge to be lazy to better conform to society.
 

 

—Real_Story, one of the laziest motherfuckers alive.


Some Notable Users

Buffalo_Bob

Some argue that the car antenna is the wave of the future for self-defense.
An assortment of deadly weapons.

In a post that became an instant meme on the Retort, da' bOoB (as he is affectionately known) argued that a car antenna is superior to a gun for the purpose of self-defense:

 
 
Guy pulls a gun first--takes your gun. I would say any criminal that tries to hold someone up with a knife is a fool, but if he has a knife and you make a move, you could be sliced pretty bad and there's no guarantee you shoot him or don't have the gun used on you. No guarantee the bullet won't go through him and kill someone else. I'd rather have a car antennae than a gun in that situation. Even a rock or a club.
 

 

—Buffalo_bOoB, inducing many a facepalm.


Despite numerous fine examples of criminals being perma-banned IRL by gun owners, no thread has since been safe from being hijacked by da' bOoB and his incessant stream of bullshit. da' bOoB has ruined dozens of unrelated threads and literally spent weeks' worth of time arguing over absurd hypothetical scenarios regarding his original statement.

As if antenna madness weren't enough, da' bOoB also sees smokestacks and other impossible constructs on the moon. He advances a preposterous argument based on this (tl;dw warning) video. Alas, it is futile to attempt to reason with a fucktard:

 
 
There is no oxygen on the moon. Therefore, there is no fire, no smoke and no smokestacks. The video you posted shows a nondescript geographical feature on moon filmed from so far away, it looks like a black dot. Then at some point, debris passes in front of the lens making it look like "smoke" came out of the black dot. Any sane person watching the video already knows this.
 

 

—Sully, making sense.

 
 
Sully sees nothing. His explanation of debris passing in front of the lens makes no sense to me, since the debris would have to come from the edge of the frame, where you should have been able to see it come on to the lens, then stop at that precise point, change shapes to match a smoke plume, then disappear off the lens without being seen traveling to the edges. His explanation doesn't make sense to me. How about you?
 

 

—Buffalo bOoB, ignoring all of modern science.


JeffnDenmark

JeffnDenmark's brainstorm for a new thread shortly after thumbprinting crystalline LSD.

Lil' Jeffy is the DR's resident tinfoil hat wearing, pants-pissing conspiracy monger. He's also an ex-pat who became a Eurofag after fleeing Dumbfuckistan with what little dignity and sanity his reptilian overlords (tl;dw warning) spared him.

Since reaching the safety of Jutland and a tinfoil body-suit, lil' Jeffy has successfully exposed the New World Order's lies about the following: SUPERTECHNOLOGY, the purposeful contamination of municipal water supplies, the planning of mass graves, chemtrails, and 9/11 conspiracies.

Jeffy's paranoid schizophrenic role model is Alex Jones, so the rest is pretty much self-explanatory. Lil' Jeffy is a lolcow par excellance and 95% of the threads he posts draw instant ridicule:

 
 
Lizard People run the world. Right, humanoid lizards from Drago, crossed with humans...Because they're so powerful, they've infiltrated the ruling class. In fact, virtually all of today's world leaders are cross-breeds. And one of them is THE QUEEN OF FREAKIN ENGLAND. So when Obama, who's what's known as a "house hybrid," slipped Queen Bess that iPod he wasn't presenting her with a gift but conveying her new instructions. Because for all their ability to literally screw with human and lizard DNA those Dragonians aren't really all that high-tech. If you know what I mean. ~Jiggy N Jutland
 

 

—Doc_Sarvis, picking some low-hanging fruit.


To lil' Jeffy, anyone who disagrees with his wild-eyed conspiracies is a sheep being led around by the nose. Ironically, it is Jeff who - much like a barnyard animal under the moonlight somewhere in Texas - finds himself skewered rectally by the likes of Alex Jones.

Goatman

Rare photo of Goatfuck cutting loose in Nuevo Laredo.
Graphic representation of Goadedman's epic rage thread.
Zatoichi's plan to upstage Goatflop backfires.
HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S

THE GOATMAN RETORT
THE GOATMAN RETORT
THE GOATMAN RETORT
THE GOATMAN RETORT
THE GOATMAN RETORT
THE GOATMAN RETORT
THE GOATMAN RETORT

Many a Drudgetard has butted heads with "the world's smartest oil rig worker", and chances are good that the Old Southern White Gentleman is winning an e-argument against someone, somewhere, at this very moment. Goatstain has more online rivals than there are particles in the known universe, and holds the current record for having the most butthurt-inspired attack threads directed at him by a considerable margin. Goatshit tries to pass himself off as an unbiased and independent observer, but that's all part of the game he plays to make liberal shitposters spin themselves in circles before they pass out in a pool of their own tears and vomit.

Whereas da' bOoB and lil' Jeffy are simply fucktarded, Goatboy presumably has a modicum of intelligence - although it is rarely on display, as he's perpetually caught in the cycle of trolls trolling trolls. He is, therefore, a match made in heaven for da' bOoB and lil' Jeffy -- who happen to among his favorite targets. Why he insists upon repeatedly excavating and beating these long-dead horses is beyond the comprehension of any mere mortal.

Either Goatturd is the only guy working on his oil rig, or the rest of the them can't tolerate his presence, because he posts ad nauseum in his offshore time. The defense of his goatsona is an all-consuming task, and Goatflop spends many a night locked into pointless pissing contests, playing impossible word games with the other retards.

For an example of how the internet is serious business, toggle the handy collapsable post-log below, or go straight to the source:


Radio: Cadenhead Does Drudge Retort Report
http://www.drudge.com/archive/118276/radio-cadenhead-does-drudge-retort-report

We begin just as the rage is building to fever pitch. Goatman and Briwo have made some kind of "bet" - which really means it's shit nobody cares about - and now Goatee is eager to meet IRL.

~~~~~~

San Antonio (lots of vets and active duty there, so they will be easy to find) two weeks from today. $500.
I'll let you know the specific bar in the next few days.
I'll have to do some googling, but I'm not going to waste my time if you are simply going to back down.
Will you be there?
Posted by goatman at 2009-02-27 05:05 PM


Will you, or will you not be in San Antonio two weeks from today to fulfill your end of your bet?
Posted by goatman at 2009-02-27 05:09 PM


I'll be there two weeks from tomorrow. What bar will we be at, and can you suggest a hotel for me to stay at?
I'll make the reservations today and post my orbitz.com itenerary to prove it.
What airport do I fly into and what hotel is closest to the bar we'll be at -- sweetie. LOL
Posted by goatman at 2009-02-27 05:13 PM


Oh, BTW, are you cool with the $500 being the wager?
Posted by goatman at 2009-02-27 05:13 PM 


You could've avoided the 'bluster' if you answered my questions about the particulars the first time.
Anyway, tell me what airport I'll be flying into in two weeks and the closest hotel to the bar where this bet is going to take place.
Posted by goatman at 2009-02-27 05:15 PM 


Sorry to be 'blustery' but getting information from you is like pulling teeth.
Airport and hotel, please.
If I don't show up in two weeks, THEN trash me.
But I can't be there if you don't tell me the airport I fly into.
Don't worry about the hotel -- I'll do that myself.
You seem to find these simple requests quite difficult.
So what airport will I be flying into?
Posted by goatman at 2009-02-27 05:19 PM 


I'd love to meet more DRers in person.
Most of them are very nice people.
Anyway, briwo -- *sigh* -- once again:
What airport do I fly into in two weeks? fuck.
Posted by goatman at 2009-02-27 05:24 PM 


What airport do I Fly into in two weeks so that we can settle our bet?
Posted by goatman at 2009-02-27 05:27 PM 


I guess I was never stationed on a ship that had a port of call [at Ft. Lewis].
I googled since it was such a fucking hard question for you to answer.
Do I fly into SeaTac? Is that right?
Posted by goatman at 2009-02-27 05:29 PM 


Is SeaTac the airport I will be flying into?
Posted by goatman at 2009-02-27 05:31 PM 


Is SeaTac the airport I will be flying into?
Posted by goatman at 2009-02-27 05:32 PM 


Is SeaTac the airport I will be flying into?
Briwo, you are making it clear you have no intention on honoring your bet.
If you don't want to, just say so.
If you are going to be a man and honor it, help me get my travel together.
Is SeaTac the airport I will be flying into?
Posted by goatman at 2009-02-27 05:36 PM 


if I knew you were one who makes a bet then renegs, it would've been over a long timem ago, too.
Is SeaTac the airport i will fly into?
Posted by goatman at 2009-02-27 05:37 PM 


I hesitate even going here since it took so longfor you to type those six letters, SEATAC. But I have to know since Seattle is a big place and I simply don't want to go to every one of them looking for you: what is the name of the bar we will be at?
Posted by goatman at 2009-02-27 05:39 PM 


*sigh* here we go again. Which bar?
Posted by goatman at 2009-02-27 05:43 PM 


The bulk of my ff miles are with Continental, and I don't think they fly into there.
but I'll rent a car and drive if that is where the closest bar is.
BTW, what is the name of that bar?
Posted by goatman at 2009-02-27 05:45 PM 


...considering it took dozens of posts to get to this point and for you to type the six letters SEATAC, clearly you have such a problem.
Posted by goatman at 2009-02-27 05:48 PM 


BTW, I look forward to the trip.
I like Seattle (actually I like the entire US, so don't get too big headed) and the rest of the state.
I have a friend who lives in Priest lake Idaho and a cousin in Vancouver WA.
I'll probably make a couple of side trips while I'm up there to see them, too.
Posted by goatman at 2009-02-27 05:50 PM 


"Hey Goatie, can you send me the GPS coordinates of your rig?"
28 75.28' N, 88 52.868 W (see how easy it can be to answer a question about location? take a lesson here.)
Posted by goatman at 2009-02-27 05:53 PM 


"But after you get your ass kicked we could hit a few happy hrs and get the half priced food and drinks."
It sounds like you are going to make sure ill falls upon me.
Posted by goatman at 2009-02-27 05:56 PM 




NEVAR 4GET: THE INTERNET IS SERIOUS FUCKING BUSINESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!


The next log is fairly representative of the predictable trajectory for any popular thread, although this particular one turns bizarre a bit quicker than most. Sooner or later, everything devolves into a pissing match between Goatee and (fill-in-the-blank(s)):


Military Recruiter Killed
http://www.drudge.com/news/121605/military-recruiter-killed

~~~~~~

the despondent liberal's weapon-of-choice would have been a purse - just as Joe suggested.
#91 | Posted by JeffJ at 2009-06-01 04:19 PM


You are full of shit. What if you couldn't get to your purse? What if you were overcome and someone took your purse and choked you with the straps? What if they got the jump on you and emptied the contents and shoved your own lipstick up your nose -- rose petal pink in one nostril and coral red in the other? What if the bad guy grapped your cuticle scissors and hacked a hole in your neck? What if when you swung the purse, your compact came out and the sun reflected off of the mirror in it and it blinded you? What if the car keys came in contact with an electrical outlet right next to you and you were electrocuted.
See, I just proved a purse is not a good weapon. No purse, no crime.
- da bOoB
#93 | Posted by goatman at 2009-06-01 04:26 PM


"The most dangerous thing to a rightie, that they just hate being attacked with....a fact."
Actually it's the most dangerous thing to attack anyone with. Or is the left immune to a fact attack when caught bending the truth?
#97 | Posted by goatman at 2009-06-01 04:34 PM


"The left is bludgeoned constantly with facts on this site and the response is often a bunch of emotional hyperbole."
That's why I asked if the were immune to a fact attack. It very well could be they are.
#102 | Posted by goatman at 2009-06-01 04:38 PM


Goatman would have inanely argued him to death.
#107 | Posted by mOntecOre at 2009-06-01 04:41 PM


montetroll wouldn't trolled him to death
#121 | Posted by goatman at 2009-06-01 04:45 PM


"Yes, I've been married to a woman...."
Thankfully for her, she's in a better place now.
#122 | Posted by mOntecOre at 2009-06-01 04:46 PM


An urn? She'd probably disagree with you is she could.
#132 | Posted by goatman at 2009-06-01 04:50 PM


Sorry to break this to you, Goat, but studies show that 9 out of 10 human beings would rahter be dead than married to you.
If you'd like to meet the one in ten exception, ask UB40.
#136 | Posted by mOntecOre at 2009-06-01 04:54 PM


Sarah Palin would've shot him from a helicopter.
#138 | Posted by nullifidian at 2009-06-01 04:57 PM


Ray would've beaten him to death with his gold cane.
#139 | Posted by nullifidian at 2009-06-01 04:58 PM


Only 9 out of 10? I would have guessed it to be more like 99 out of 100 at least. I think you better re-do your poll.
#141 | Posted by goatman at 2009-06-01 05:03 PM


So you think that poor woman was the one in 100?
#144 | Posted by mOntecOre at 2009-06-01 05:04 PM


I guess we're at the point where Montecore spirals into his obsession with Goatman and ruins the thread.
#148 | Posted by LIVE_OR_DIE at 2009-06-01 05:09 PM


I knew when he started I should not have mentioned my fat hairy body. Since then he's been all over me like a chicken on a June bug. Having professed his attraction to me, I can't help but to think he's stroking that thing of his now as we speak. LOL
#150 | Posted by goatman at 2009-06-01 05:12 PM


"But my dead wife routine never gets old"
Montetroll
#151 | Posted by goatman at 2009-06-01 05:14 PM


Ever since Goatman professed that he liked to sniff his granddaughter's used diapers, I've been less than charitable to him. Big deal. I guess Goatman's trusty defender Live_or_Die likes diaper sniffers.
#154 | Posted by mOntecOre at 2009-06-01 05:17 PM


You brought up your dead wife before I did, Goat. If you don't want her to be a subject here, don't bring her up. But your "montetroll is sexually attracted to me" routine never gets old. At least LiveOrDie seems to dig it.
#156 | Posted by mOntecOre at 2009-06-01 05:19 PM


"I guess Goatman's trusty defender Live_or_Die likes diaper sniffers."
Don't knock it until you've tried it. And when you do -- go for the poopy ones.
#158 | Posted by goatman at 2009-06-01 05:19 PM


"If you don't want her to be a subject here"
??? Did I say that?
Is this what old age does to you, montetroll? Causes hallucinations? LOL
#159 | Posted by goatman at 2009-06-01 05:21 PM


So now your fantasy includes me being old? Are you more turned on by fantasy admirers who are old? You got issues, Rural Southern White Gentleperson.
#162 | Posted by mOntecOre at 2009-06-01 05:25 PM


"It's the volume that makes [your trolling] so much more cringe inducing"
Does the fact that Goatman outposts me at least 5 to 1 induce cringes? Or because he is on your side of the political spectrum change, are his posts less annoying to you?
#166 | Posted by mOntecOre at 2009-06-01 05:28 PM


Between you and me it's pretty much 1:1 unless I'm not in the mood to feed my troll. Overall, I outpost you more like 10:1 when I am offshore. When I am oshore you outpost me, of course since I don't DR there
#169 | Posted by goatman at 2009-06-01 05:31 PM


How do I get away with the shit I post around here? Don't blame it on RCade, blame it one the fact that Goatman is terrified of me. He is literally afraid to flag my posts. And that's not because I am actually a threat to him; it's because he's 100% pussy. Watch - even this post won't get flagged by that finger-sniffing pussboy.
#171 | Posted by mOntecOre at 2009-06-01 05:32 PM


I like toes better
#173 | Posted by goatman at 2009-06-01 05:34 PM


"...Goatman is terrified of me."
Incredibly so. I had 8 extra deadbolts put on my door because of you. And I'm talking about my cabin door on th rig. I had 12 installed at home.
#176 | Posted by goatman at 2009-06-01 05:37 PM


The Old Southern White Gentleman posts to other people about putting cocks down their throats and stuff like that and it deosn't even get deleted, much less dumped. I think RCade counts on the unbelievable amount of posts the poor guy makes every day for his ad revenue. I mean, he and BoOB can make 1,00's of posts in a single day on one single thread. I think Goat is the goat who lays the golden egg for RCade.
#177 | Posted by mOntecOre at 2009-06-01 05:37 PM


[CalifChris] better line up a second locksmith for her Journey of Love planned for Texas next month.
#180 | Posted by mOntecOre at 2009-06-01 05:40 PM

~~~

Calling non-fiction books "novels" isn't a grammar mistake, lawyer. I thought you shysters were such sticklers for details.
#192 | Posted by nullifidian at 2009-06-01 06:46 PM


Let's be precise, Nulli. Joe is a wanna-be shyster, not a bona fide shyster.
#193 | Posted by mOntecOre at 2009-06-01 06:48 PM


How do I know this? Joe is always gone during remedial bar exam class time, and here at times when no new attorney would be. Powers of Deduction - gotta love 'em.
#194 | Posted by mOntecOre at 2009-06-01 06:49 PM


Yeah, whether I call something a "book" or a "novel" on the drudge retort is my top priority as an attorney.
#202 | Posted by JOE at 2009-06-01 07:02 PM


Montecore, go fuck yourself, you have no clue what hours I work or where I am posting from. I work 50-60 hours per week lately and post from work or home when I feel like taking a break.
#203 | Posted by JOE at 2009-06-01 07:02 PM


Congrats, Joe. That's pretty good. Some other paralegals are actually having trouble finding work. You must be one of the better ones.
#204 | Posted by mOntecOre at 2009-06-01 07:07 PM


Tosser

Pakistan is full of win.
Tosser laughed his ass off when little Slumdog's house was bulldozed by the Indian government.
Internets flag of Pakistan.
Dharavi, India -- the world's biggest herpes-infested asshole.
 
 
Help help... there is a Muslim on my TV! And there's another one under me bed!!!
 

 

—Salad Tosser, parodying stupid Americunts.

 
 
I don't know what Amreekans imagine themselves to be when they can't fight their way out of a paper bag...Bin Ladin said he would destroy the US economy... and he has kept his promise. Wow. The dead/undead guy is still winning. LOL. Since you have become China's Bitch and Bin Ladin's spittoon, I don't think you have to be afraid of any new Bin Ladin tape. You are playing his game anyway. All the guy had to do was take down two of the fugliest buildings in New York... and look at you now. Wall St.... money gone... GM gone... trillions in debt... LOL. Man... fire your useless Generals and give Bin Ladin a job. His American name was Tim Osmond, anyway. (when he worked for the CIA... which he probably still does)...Your shitty Amreeka is made of tissue paper... even your planes couldn't get off the ground to intercept on 9-11. The rest is all imagination. I don't agree or like that Arab.. Bin Ladin... but he did show us what the real deal is about you. LOL. All bark. No bite. Or bite the wrong guy... Iraq. Go bite Fiji next. Or there is always Bangladesh...hahahahahahaha
 

 

Tosser tossing shit.


Tosser: literally: one who masturbates excessively; this young bicycle-borne Pakistani gets his kicks by fapping nightly to the baffling stupidity of Americunts - that is, when he's not dodging explosions or violating the livestock.

Somehow, Toaster managed to get a fine education in his beloved third-world hell on earth, and is thus able to communicate with people in faraway lands who've never been on the receiving end of an appreciative camel's "winking" pussy. Salad-Tosser is despised by Christfags and other STUPID AMREEKANs since he tweaks them and tells the truth about America's foreign policy. Being a Paki, Toaster feels inherently superior to stinky Indians, although he apparently doesn't realize that that's like saying a frothy cup of santorum makes for a slightly better snack than does jenkem. Tosser's best efforts arguing online will never make up for the fact that he still lives in fucking Pakistan, is one of the mud people, and is therefore bound for the lake of fire.

 
 
Pakistan .. whatever it is... has taken your money and not delivered the goods. In our culture, that is the ultimate sign of disrespect. That is what we think of you. LOL. The laughing stock of the world... "we want Bin Ladin, dead or alive!" hahahahahahahaha Where is he, mate? What good is all your military "power" which you so proudly use to kill people who can't fight back? You lost Iraq. You are losing Afghanistan, it is clear to everyone. You can't get Bin Ladin. And while all this was happening, you lost your economy and your car industry. Can you believe it? America doesn't make cars any more... LOL.
 

 

—on recent fail.

 
 
It's just you stupid Americans who live in an alternate reality who have to be told how things really are. I swear... I have interacted with many many folk from many many places... and I swear to you again, Americans are one of the most crazy I have ever seen. I think the drugs they smoke in high-school never really wear off. LOL.
 

 

—on gullibility.

 
 
NOBODY takes your BHO seriously... except for maybe a few dumb Arabs. Like I said.. don't worry about it. There is nothing more pathetic than a Kaffir speaking about his "Muslim roots". LOL And he is your President ban-boy. Watch how he sells you down the river. LOL Up shit creek without a paddle... the work of barry the stealth muslim. Like I said... the drugs you took are gonna be in your system for a long long time.
 

 

—pissing on Black Jesus as well.

 
 
Stick your Fox and Abc and the rest of your media where the sun don't shine. WMD WMD WMD. All bullshit. When the US could drag Saddam out of a hole in the ground, why haven't they got Bin Ladin since 8 years? LOL...I'm not saying he's dead. But I'm not saying he's alive either. Truth is, nobody knows. And only a prize idiot would believe the American media (known for lying) and the CIA (of all people). LOL
 

 

—MOAR gullibility.

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101Chairborne

The evening jaunt which led to the bedwetting incident.
Love at first sight: WisGOD meets 101 at the park.
When the reaction to one of Chairborne's posts is this bad, he usually has to skip town for the weekend.
Chairpoop after a long day of sniffing all the liberal dogs' asses.
 
 
I'm drunk. I have no idea how I made it to work this moring. All I knoiw id my wife is pissed off becaise I pissed the bed...the last thing I actually rememebr is leaving Applebee's of all places...I went to watch the gane and use a gift certificate some tool from work got me and the next thing I know is I wake up in a wet bed. I know I wnet to some bar after aplebees, and they supposedlly had free dradfts from 10pm till midnight (rollingrock), but the rest is a blur. I hope I sober up for my 3om meeting...Supposedly the down comforter isn't cheap to have dry-cleaned...again.
 

 

—101, on self-ruination. LOLOLOLOL


101CompassionBorne is the Retort's original humanitarian, do-gooder, victim's rights advocate, community organizer, NAACP spokesperson, First Lady fanboi, and proud lifelong Democrat who maxed out his donations to then-candidate Obama and makes sure to plant at least one tree every day. ChairPoop also runs a charity for diabetic peg-legged Jewish midget orphans from the Horn of Africa (at least some of whom require shots for sickle cell anemia) when he's not mentoring local at-risk inner city youths.

 
 
The USA has been in decline ever since we let broads vote and negroes drink from the same fountains. So, what do you fruitcakes think about Obama's Intel Chief admitting that torture works? Oh, I'm against gay marriage.
 

 

—Chairpoodle, pressing pretty much every one of the libtards' buttons at once.


 
 
101st's beer drinking is good for laundry soap sales and DUI class fees. His wife must love hearing him slur "bought and paid for" in his sleep as his bladder empties all over the sheets.
 

 

—AmericanUnity, on moar beer.


 
 
ARF !!
 

 

PerfectlyAmericanUnityFrank


More words from, and about, the Retort's preeminent philanthropist:
 
 
...LOLFailBorne is a sick, sad individual. There's hope for him yet: his alcoholism greatly increases chances for developing oral, Esophageal, and Laryngeal cancer, just to name a few - and not even speak of other disorders! (many more if he smokes ciggies). He might do himself some good to get a mastectomy prophylactically, too. But, the news is not all good for the rest of us. Of course, the flop-house doesn't provide free health care, so he'll be on the public dole when his substance dependencies result in dire prognosis(-es?), thus doing his part to raise rates for the rest of us. Thanks! Just another reason we wish that that whore mother of his had medical plans which included abortion. That, or his alcoholic daddy finished the job and beat him to death on one of those many occasions he had the opportunity.
 

 

—Thus posted Zarathustra.

 
 
Rcade is lying [about a server outage]. He just wants you fucking losers to get out for some fresh air on the weekend. Chances are Northgay will see his enormous shadow and immediately run back in the house. Dethpud will open the door only to hear the ankle monitor beep. herm will most likely break a hip after tripping over the cats. Don't worry, all of the old styrofoam McDonalds containers and newspapers laying about the floor will break his fall. frank55 will more than likely lock himself out of the house never to be heard from again. donnerboy will trip up the basement stairs and break both of his dick beaters.
 

 

—ChodeBrain, spreading some love.

 
 
For god's sake people, what are you doing discussing thread topics when you could be paying attention to US?!! We NEED ATTENTION DAMMIT! LOOK AT US!! LAUGH AT US!! FUNNY FLAG OUR POSTS!! PLEASE!! WE'RE BEGGING YOU!! 101ST: "Any relatives die over the weekend? I kicked a fireman in the nuts!" ("HA HA HA HA HA HA HA, you crack me up 101ST. I'm giving you a FF right now, then I'll race you to post. YOU'RE IT!!" - Wis)
 

 

—AmericanUnity as 101STWIZZDOG

 
 
Nick. Nick. Nick? Oh yes, Nick. I remember that young lad. I used to play croquet with his father, the Duke of Rodenburry. It was back in 1969, or 1970, but who really cares, right? It's not as if any of you believe me. Any how, I watched young Nick play from the comfort and anonimity of the back of my van via Bino's. He had a tight...Excuse me? Why yes, I know who Jonathon Quayle Higgins is. I remind you of him? Why I'm flattered, and very important. I have to go now, it's a Daily Double.
 

 

—Chairborne...or AU?

 
 
A few years ago I was catching a flight in Melbourne, FL back to Nashville. There were only a handful of us on a night, dimly lit 727 1 1/2 hour flight. I'd bought a round of drinks for my friends and the other two passengers - a couple of businesswomen who both seemed friendly but sober. A half an hour into the flight, one of the two 30-ish businesswomen staggered down the aisle, sat next to me, started pulling down my zipper, and put her head in my lap - just like that ("Letters to Playboy" flashed through my mind for a fleeting second). However I realized she'd gotten very drunk for starters, and being a faithful husband anyway got myself out of that situation. I kind of felt sorry for her. I helped her stagger off the plane and practically poured her into her boyfriend's care when we landed and got to the gate where he was waiting to pick her up. Booze and women sometimes don't go so well together.
 

 

—AU, on how to make Chairpuddle giddy as a 16 y/o girl.

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Jak Me NAO

Jak_Se_Mao's worst dream come true.
A typical evening in the life of Jak_Se_Mao.
Jak Off enjoys the evening hours after a long hard day shodding ponies.

 
 
Bummer. Just one drunken auto accident away from never having to be subjected to the revolting bile that is Mao Se Dung. If Vern had ever met your disgusting little carcass, he probably would've puked on your face.
 

 

—Angrydad


The Artist Formerly Known As Jak_Se_Mao is an alcoholic pony-raper who lives on, and "maintains", Brokeback Ranch in Pony's Asshole Burns Like Fire, TX. Somehow, Jak manages to stay conscious for a few hours each night - after a full day of digging post holes and shodding ponies no less - long enough to diarrheapost all over the DR. When he's not taint-deep in one of his unfortunate animals (or passed out in a 10-gallon cowboy hat full of his own vomit) Brokebak Jak can be found piss-drunkenly raging against anything that threatens his precious "Anglosphere".

 
 
How does Jak manage to work 12 hour days digging post holes and stringing fence wire when he's on here at 2 or 3 am every night drunk on his ass? Lucky Strikes and beer combos are doing a great job hardening his arteries. No doubt the only thing getting hard around his house except his wife's heart.
 

 

—AmericanUnity


But, since President Obama was elected, a stormy, black mood has been following Jak everywhere he goes. Being one of them good ole' Texas boys, the presence of a 'coon in the Oval Office has ruined the rompin' hootenanny them white boys had been enjoyin' in them dayumned White House. The undeniability of Obama's sudden unwanted invasion of Fox News hangs like an albatross from Jak's neck to the point that he can no longer enjoy shodding the ponies, as they've long ago been stretched and blown out by his furied pony-poking. These days, not even an ice-cold Coors Lite and Lucky Strike combo (for those rough, scratchy days on the job, Jak needs that beer that won't fill him up and never slow him down) can quell Jak's rage, so he seeks an online refuge from the realization that his worldview is quickly dying.
In an interesting case study of both Freudian projection and reaction-formation, Jak's booze-soaked brain jerks to life, imagination suddenly sputtering online, whenever teh gheys come up in conversation or Tosser is detected posting. Perhaps wishing to escape the ennui of daily life as a pony-poker in Texas, Jak fantasizes of a little foreign four-legged pussy to add to his little black book. Then, frustrated by Tosser's affronts to his delicate sensibilities, an alcohol vapor hovers around Jak's head as he pecks at the keyboard just long enough to project his beastial fantasies to the entire internets before passing out (hopefully face-down) in a pool of his own beer vomit. Back to the stables with you, boy.

PWZers

After suffering one too many e-humiliations, it might just be time to pick up your marbles and start a new blog.
No moar tears - PWZ is here! Wait, what? ...was here? Shit.
In progress: Rex Zeitgeist working out the deepest thoughts he'll have all day.
Jackass/Rastaninja, moments after losing internet privileges in homeroom.
Horse's Ass and Stirinthepud contributing to PWZ.
The internets is heartbroken by Rex's retirement.
STILL slightly more successful than PWZ.
Crybaby.png

Rex Zeitgeist has an announcement to make!

 
 
I need to start doing something else with my time......The daily toll of fighting off gay stalkers and carrying this blog for a ungrateful Rcade is starting to wear on me......So I think I am going to go ahead and retire while I am still relatively young...I am an gomaniac with a god complex......Do you really think I would end my own life.....? Not while I am intentionally sober....
 

 

—Rex Zitgrease, reflecting on his life situation.


The Political War Zone (partially archived) was born and promoted as a response to the supposedly fascist moderation policies on the Retort. In actuality, it was a cheap stunt for attention, driven by delusion, desperation, and -- most especially -- epic fail (lol).

 
 
This Blog was started by five guys (RZ, JA, DKIA, STP & H) who simply got tired of all the BS of the supposed wonderland of Open Expression on the 'Net. The Leftists claim they adore & stand for Free Speech & then use it to hammer anyone who doesn't agree with them right before they take it away. They'd rather tell you how immoral you are for standing up for what you think is true than to actually debate.
 

 

Some failfags, on epic butthurt.


At least three of the miserable prick founders came crawling back after realizing that nobody cares about their internet psychodrama, thus laying waste to their grandstanding and bullshit claims. So, what does the internets think of Rex, his butt buddies, and his shitty failed blog?

 
 
For Zitgrease the Retort is a stage where he can act out his drama. He likes the rough tough stuff because he was candy ass REMF. Passive aggressive in real life he picks a handle that suits his ego not his true persona. Want a laugh - Wrecks has a STALKER! Just like the movie stars...LOL...But this is all faux outrage. Zit is a liar and cheap shot artist who would do us all a favor if he would again and for the last time storm out of here and start another blog. Or just jump off a bridge.
 

 

—OzarkAggie

 
 
Rex is still hoppin' mad at Rogers and he's trying to gin up another battle. Unemployment benefits run out, Rex? Job interview didn't pan out, Rex? Date with old girlfriend fall flat, Rex? You're pathetic! You've been a mental case as long as we've known you. Nobody is impressed with your faux outrage and nobody is impressed with your stupid accusations about Rogers. Why don't you go pickle your brain with some more alcohol It looks good on you.
 

 

—Twinpac

 
 
Rex has gone off the deep end again. Have you stopped taking your meds Rex? Does that night shift job at the convenience store not pay enough to buy the meds? Go talk to big pharma. They have discount programs. If it's not a matter of money then make a new appointment with your shrink Rex. Seek help, seriously. Sitting on your ass, spending hours a day watching metal bands on YouTube until you've worked yourself up to a rage, is no way to go through life.
 

 

—Whatsleft

 
 
From what I've seen, at PWZ from those you kicked off the island, I would cut the cord. Let them raise their own baby, and don't ever look back...They simply could not follow the rules of DR. Yet they continue to come here, and claim some sort of bias...Zonies, Get over it. Go build your blog, and quit crying. The intellectual level of debate at the DR is much better without you...Just because you're the bastard children of DR doesn't mean you can't grow up, and have productive lives. Good luck, and good-bye...Ms Sarah is correct. This is the Drudge Kindergarten.
 

 

Who Cares?

 
 
If this "REX ZEITGEIST" is unloved or bored or lonely or whatever is his problem]], this thread is a total waste and at times I for one despair of this site. If I were Rogers I would be tempted to tell him to get lost - there is no point in having posts which do not invite or provoke sane commentary. SANE.
 

 

—Sitdown

 
 
Get counseling, Sonny. [An outlet for your anger] is not what we are here for. That, or just keep listening to skinhead music and watching wrestling. Violence and ignorance seems to be your thing. At least you have a sense of humor. You think you "beat the shit out of" anyone around here? Now that's funny!
 

 

—Corky

 
 
I'm not a big fan of heavy-handed moderation. But as a practiced moderator of message boards, I know all too well that sometimes you have to apply the great pimp-slapping hand of moderation and kick out the douchebags who simply believe they have some divine right to be obnoxious and disruptive.
 

 

—peco

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IN SUMMATION:
Failidiot.gif

Raystradamus

On weekends, Raystradamus grabs the sandwich boards to take a break from spreading doom and gloom on the Retort.
Purchasing power of the US LOL-lar over time.
Raystradamus transcribing his prophetic monograph, Buy Gold.
One of the two things in the world that keeps Old Man Ray spry...
...and here's the other. Ray just blew his wad.
 
 
Ray is like the worry-wart child who predicted the murder of his parents and now wants them dead just to prove his worries were credible.
 

 

mOntecOre, mocking prophecy.

 
 
Drought conditions are prevailing all around the globe. Water is arguably in more serious shortage than any other natural resource. There's a good chance of higher food prices ahead as nations bid for dwindling food stocks.
 

 

—Raystradamus, on the coming apocalypse.

 
 
Ray's been hit by so many pieces of falling sky he doesn't know north from south.
 

 

Nullifidian, on possible reasons for confusion.

 
 
I like to scare children.
 

 

—Raystradamus, on why he's hiding in your children's closet.


Old Man Ray has seen a lot in his lifetime, and he wants you to know that he's finally figured out the game.

A previous incarnation of Ray lived in 17th-century Holland and lost the game, along with all of his worldly possessions, when Tulip Mania went bust. Legend has it that Ray went so far as to barter away his last jewgold to speculate on a single tulip bulb, only to be ruined when a sailor mistook it for an onion. To his great dismay, Ray discovered the sailor "eating a breakfast whose cost might have regaled a whole ship's crew for a twelvemonth". The events of that horrific afternoon seared an indelible mark on Ray's eternal spirit and his anguish reverberated across centuries. Ray decided to never again part with a single jewgold, and vowed to accumulate as many as possible in his future lives.

Over time, Ray has witnessed many an empire rise up only to be bitchslapped back down to earth by hubris, and notices many of the familiar symptoms occurring here in the USA. Rather than succumb to the forces of history, Ray has taken preemptive action, singlehandedly constructing a fortress made of solid jewgolds -- complete with gilded meats, vegetables, and various potables. He sees the rest of the world as playing court jester to what will be his epistemologically-ordained royalty, but might still like to watch you chase and scrounge after a few jewgolds between noshes on the turkey leg you will be bringing him. In case the mob becomes too unruly or the best-case scenario otherwise doesn't pan out, Ray has personally overseen the construction of his very own Golden Gun, and feels quite confident betting it against whichever antenna da' bOoB chooses.


Dethspud

Dethspud finally wipes off his belly and pulls his pants up from around his ankles after a week-long WoW binge.

A 40-something Canadian who's still crashing on an inflatable mattress in mom's basement. As a disciple of teh lulz, he once caused Goatturd to throw himself a pity party, and nearly become an hero.

Between being a WoWFag, shit-posting as a fictional potato who wishes others to "Be Well", and simply by virtue of being a Canuck, several shifty-eyed Drudgetards have come to suspect that Spud is, in fact, Pædobear's little-known sidekick.

AFKABL2

If only Ruuuush were in this pic too, it'd be the Ass Fucker's perfect wet dream.
The Butt Lover stewing over some posts for tomorrow's nooner.

The Ass Fucker Known As Bush Lover 2 is a Republicunt shill who uses the commie computers at a Houston, Texass library to spam his well-reasoned opinions in an unrelenting simultaneous three-pronged assault on the reader's intelligence, eyesight, and mouse scroll-wheel:

 
 
I know just how disappointed so many of you were with the holiday and all that you didnt get your AFKABL2 SUNDAY NEWS SHOW ROUNDUP so here are some notable quotes..NO NO>>>>you can thank me later..."the idea that gitmo makes terrorists is patently false" - senator kyl from arizona. COLIN POWELL...and this is all you EVER WILL NEED TO KNOW About why he is a RINO " I voted for john kennedy and jimmy carter" JIMMY CARTER??????????????????? nuff said TURBIN DURBIN showed his complete hpocricy when asked about torture and all that...he backed pelosi to the hilt and then NOT 5 MINS later talked about how he supported Paneda on the whole thing..and of course on meet the press..THEY RARELY IF EVER ask a follow up on a democrat.......more to come so dont worry
 

 

—a typical post as written by afkabl2. Srsly.


 
 
please.......to get an idea of our world if pot is legal just watch the movie with luke wilson 'idiocirty' or something like that where he gets transpoted ahead a century or so and he is the smartest man in the world...surely there were some sources there to take pots place......euphonisms perhaps..is that the right word?? because they all talked like they were stoned...you know..stupidlike
 

 

—AflacBabbler, on why marijuana ought to remain illegal.


Trolling Drudgetards

If the target is a libtard:


If the target is a cuntservative:

See Also

What all Retorters actually look like.
Larry Mohr confronts pressing issues.
The abstinence hussy stole the hearts of many a cuntservative, and now she's on a mission.

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