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Team Fortress 2

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Team Fortress 2 is a class-based MMOFPS War-Themed Hat Simulator for the PC and Mac. Originally it was a faithful recreation of the original Quake and Half-Life mods, but has since evolved from its original design into a pointless virtual collect-a-thon where the player must collect every rare item they can by any means necessary, in order to inflate their ego and show off their E-peen. The original point of the game revolved around playing game modes such as capturing the enemy intelligence, pushing a bomb to the enemy base, or controlling a whole map by Scout-rushing control points, but now all this is nothing more than a small minigame to pass the time with while you wait for more weapons and rare items to magically drop into your inventory while doing fuck all on Achievement, Trade, Idle or non-serious, fun-oriented servers.


Contents

Classes and Weapons


It doesn't matter how you play, you're still going to piss someone off.


Scout

The Scout claims to have come from Boston, and while growing up, lived in a rough neighborhood. He is the youngest of eight children, which not only means that his mom is a whore, but that he has an inferiority complex. The solution to avoid getting raped by his clearly superior siblings was to do what any bitch would do, and run away from his problems. Due to an addiction to Bonk Soda, he has developed a bad case of Tourette's which forces him to call out "boink" and "bonk" all the goddamn time. Scout also has an irrational fear of rainbows, an obvious metaphor for his closeted homosexuality. He can also capture 'Capture Points' twice as fast as other classes.

Boink!
  • Scattergun: Double-barreled shotgun with two barrels. It has six rounds and is completely useless unless you're within docking distance of your enemy, so you're more likely to get killed than do any killing. Even so, it's still superior to the other scatterguns for the meatshot. You reload without putting any new shells in.
  • Force-A-Nature: A double barreled sawed-off shotgun that propels you backwards when you're in the air, essentially allowing you to triple-jump; and quadruple-jump with the Atomizer. It doesn't kill shit and it just makes Scouts more annoying. It fires as fast as fuck so you spend more time reloading than shooting anything. If you use one ammo and then reload, you use up two ammo in your ammo supply.
  • The Shortstop: Quadruple-barreled pistol. It had a slowing ability which didn't work so it was removed. All you'll ever hear is BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM while watching it not kill anything. It shares the Pistol's ammo supply. Steam Powered User Forum (SPUF) users got into a rage complaining about the Shortstop being overpowered. This video demonstrates that it wasn't, but Valve nerfed it to shit anyway. Now it ensures you get raped by knock back items while you get default reload time again.
  • Soda Popper: Basically the Fag-A-Nature with a Crit-a-Cola can strapped to it, even though a Bonk! can is used to craft it. It works pretty much the same way as the Fag-A-Nature, except it doesn't propel you backwards, reloads faster, and running around like a headless chicken with it equipped can charge a "Hype meter", which lets you deal mini-critical hits for a short amount of time. You won't be able to do as much damage over time because you're not firing as consistently as the default Scattergun, so don't bother.
  • Baby Face's blaster: A slightly more accurate but piss-weak shotgun that lets the scout go supersonic speeds when he damages enemies, which resets when Scout performs his second jump in midair. It's a relatively good option for Scouts that know that they don't have to douple-jump to move and can make do with just a pistol or their melee weapon.
  • Pistol: The pro weapon of choice, because being able to kill someone with it means you actually have some fucking skill. Combine with the Soda Popper's mini-crit boost for EXTREME TROLLING!
  • Lugermorph: A cool reskin of the Pistol. The Engineer shares this weapon. Also it's blue.
  • The Winger: A pistol with less than half the clip of the standard Pistol, but it deals 15% moar damage and you jump higher now. Completely useless compared to the default pistol because of the 7 fewer shots, but that won't stop "hardcore" Scouts trying to tell you how much more powerful it is than the standard pistol.
  • Pretty Boy's Pocket Pistol: A pistol which somehow gives you extra health and is also capable of protecting your ankles from snapping when falling. It shoots slow as fuck and Pyros can flambé you to death. The extra health boost negates the Sandman's downsides, so use both together to be an annoying little shit with normal health.
  • Bonk! Atomic Punch: In theory, allows you to become invincible for a short amount of time to get behind enemy lines untouched. In reality, it allows you to become invincible for a short amount of time to piss off the other team and their sentry gun nests.
  • Crit-A-Cola: Allows you to give mini-crits for eight seconds while you take 25% more damage. Also increases your running speed by 25% when used, but unfortunately it doesn't stack with the Baby Face's Blaster.
  • Mad Milk: A bottle of "non-milk substance". Smash it over somebody's face and you get healed for the damage you do. U mad? Pyros can reflect it back.
  • Flying Guillotine: A meat cleaver with the words "Dead meat" written in Chinese on the blade, apparently, although it could easily say "Sweet and sour pork" instead. Attacking with it throws it and if it hits an enemy they bleed to death. Hitting someone at long distance causes mini-crits and hitting someone who's stunned causes crits. You can't pick it back up but after five seconds you pull another one out of your arse to throw again anyway. You can change its appearance to be either covered in blood or nice and clean. Pyros that actually fucking utlilize the airblast can reflect it back.
  • Bat: A metal bat with a dent in it, which is used to beat the shit out of enemies while they do the same to you.
  • The Sandman: A wooden bat. It allows you to knock the fuck out of your enemies with a baseball; the further it goes the longer it stuns, but getting it to hit anything takes pure luck. It somehow reduces your maximum health by 15. Taunt to send enemies flying halfway across the map. It used to be able to stun anyone completely still at any distance, until SPUF users complained.
  • Holy Mackerel: A massive floppy, smelly, fish. No, srsly. It's essentially a reskin of the standard Bat, but it counts how many hits people have taken from it, and it humiliates them by saying FISH KILL! on the kill log.
  • Boston Basher: A bat with spikes on it; beat enemies to a bloody death, or yourself if you miss. Idiot.
  • Candy Cane: Enemies shit out a small health kit when you kill them. At least it's better than a grenade, because with it equipped you can get raped by explosives.
  • Fan-O'-War: Bitchslap someone with a "war fan" that does fuck all damage. Target will be so humiliated that he will willingly take mini-crits to end the horror.
  • Sun-On-A-Stick: A mace made of lava and obsidian; a game-promoted weapon. It does 25% less damage. Even though it looks like it can set shit on fire, but it just annihilates anything that already is on fire.
  • Three Rune Blade: A MOTHERFUCKING SWORD which is a useless game-promoted reskin of the Boston Basher.
  • The Atomizer: Allows triple jumping, somehow damaging your health by ten when you use the third jump. Combine with Force-a-Nature to quadruple jump. Swings fucking slowly and does less damage than the standard Bat. In other words, pointless to use in hand-to-hand combat.
  • Unarmed Combat: A RED Spy's dismembered right arm and reskin of the Holy Mackerel, but it says ARM KILL! on the kill log instead.
  • Wrap Assassin: A tube of wrapping paper and a glass bauble. Does 70% less damage, and right-clicking bats the bauble. If it hits an enemy, the bauble smashes and they proceed to bleed to death. Essentially a re-worked Sandman.

Your average Scout

  • Will use the Scattergun or the Fag-A-Nature, but can't aim for shit because they run and double-jump non-stop.
  • Will use the Bonk! Atomic punch, because without it they'd never be able to reach the Capture point/Intelligence.
  • Will use the Sandman, because they think they'll be able to hit anyone with the baseball.
  • Will run past a Spy about to backstab an enemy Heavy-Medic combo and alternate hitting each of them with the bat, killing himself and giving away the location of the Spy trying to do something productive.

Scout's Item Sets

Soldier

The Soldier, AKA "Jane Doe", is the only class with rocket launchers, and often blows off his feet with them in his failed attempts at trying to fly. He wanted to fight in WW2, but the Gov'ment told him he was too batshit insane. He went apeshit and instead spent the next few years mass killing Nazis until someone decided to tell him the war was over 4 years ago, which makes him a terrorist. He claims to be a good soldier as proven by the many medals he has made for himself.

He will eat you.

Your average Soldier

  • Will use the Direct Shit simply because it does more damage. They'll sometimes resort to the standard Rocket Launcher if they can't aim for shit, or even the Cockmongler 5000 to spam the charge attack and hope it hits.
  • Will have the Buff Banner equipped but never live long enough to use it.
  • Will use the Equalizer because they think the higher-damage-at-less-health thing has any use outside of melee-only duels.
  • Will chase a Dead-Ringer Spy into a corner and blow themselves up trying to kill him instead of using the shotgun.

Soldier's Item sets

Pyro

A trap/robot in a gas mask who takes a fuckton of hallucinogens, to the point where he believes he lives in a wondrous land of magic, candy, bright colours, pixies, and all things wonderful. Therefore he is totally not a bloodthirsty murderer, and you're a retarded cunt if you say otherwise.

Your average Pyro

  • Will use the Backburner and Axtinguisher together, because the conceited cunts think they're skilled enough to switch weapons at the right time.
  • Will use the Flare Gun to pick off enemies weak enough. If you actually die at the hands of one of these, you're doing it wrong.
  • Never utilizes the airblast. Also will use the Phlogistinator.
  • Will use the Phlogistinator.
  • Will never extinguish teammates with the airblast and wonder why people are running around him calling for a Medic or for help.
  • Will just rush into a crowd of enemies with the Flamethrower and hope for the best.
  • Will stay at the spawn point doing nothing but Spy-checking. In and around the spawn.

Pyro's item sets

  • The Gas Jockey's Gear: Pyro in all his/her gender ambiguity can be made to look like a car mechanic. Killing an enemy with the set equipped leaves a calling card on their corpses. Until July 10th the effect was 10% move speed and 10% bullet vulnerability.
  • The Infernal Imp Halloween Costume items that makes Pyro look like an imp.
  • Dr. Grordbort's Moonman Pack: Now you too can be a delusional ponyfag astronaut.

Demoman

What makes me a good Demoman?

Tavish Degroot, or the Demoman, is the alcoholic Scottish nigger of Team Fortress 2 with a love for all things explosive. The story behind how he lost his left eye remained a mystery until the release of the 2011 Halloween event. As the title suggests, the Demoman's main job is to destroy buildings built by Engineers and ruin everybody's day, but instead he's the first choice of newfags and noobs alike to get easy Dominations by spawncamping the hell out of the enemy with sticky bombs and spamming grenades. Not only that, but the Demoman has the widest variety of melee weapons out of all the classes and has shields intended for use with them. You can make other players and SPUFs butthurt when you say "The Demoman is underpowered". Like IRL Scotsmen, nobody likes him.

Your average Demoman

  • Will use the standard Grenade Launcher to spam grenades everywhere and hope for the best.
  • Will use the Stickybomb Launcher or the Scottish Resistance to place sticky bombs at poor strategic places or the enemy's spawn point.
  • Will use the Frying Pan because of Demopan, but will likely never use it.

Demoman's item sets

Heavy

Heavy, always horny.

The Heavy is an obese Russian who really, really hates babies. He talks to his food, has a close relationship with his guns, and has an almost homoerotic relationship with the Medic. The Scout notes that the Heavy is a like a "Big shaved bear that hates people".

Your average Heavy

  • Will use the Brass Beast because of the extra damage, but may use the Minigun instead if they get constantly headshotted/backstabbed.
  • Will use the Sandvich for healing - while being healed by a Medic - instead of healing the Medic while they return the favour.
  • Will use the Killing Gloves of Boxing because they think the crit-boost really helps, despite only being able to kill anything with them if they get lucky.
  • Will often camp near Dispensers.
  • Will not move into enemy territory unless there's a Medic or two sucking their dick.
  • Will not protect said Medic doing the dick-sucking and whine when they die and didn't protect their medic.

Heavy's item sets

  • The Hibernating Bear: Look like a fat Native american chief, with a minigun rather than a bow and arrow.
  • Black Market Business: My father taught me many things; keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.
  • The FrankenHeavy: Halloween Promo items to make heavy look like Frankenstein. As if the name wasn't obvious enough. Enables the FrankenHeavy taunt.
  • The Grand Duchess: Another Halloween promo set to make Heavy feel like a woman. In a man's body. Trapped in a woman's mind. While thinking about cock.

Engineer

Someones about to erect one hell of a dispenser

The Engineer, or Dell Conagher, is essentially Bob the Builder, except he's from Texas, has a Robot hand, builds machines that kill people, builds machines that don't fucking talk, and can somehow still play his acoustic guitar perfectly while wearing a thick yellow glove.

Your average Engineer

  • Will use the Frontier Justice because they won't bother to repair their Sentry, or it'll get destroyed frequently because it'd been placed poorly or spam-Sapped by the same Spy.
  • Will use the Lugermorph because reskins = e-peen, or the Wrangler to spam bullets and rockets from their Sentry themselves because they can't use their own weapons.
  • Will use the Gunslinger when playing Red.
  • Will always camp near his sentry.
  • Will randomly hit everyone with their Wrench to make sure they aren't Spies.
  • Will get buttmad if another Engineer nicks his Dispenser's metal instead of using their own.

Engineer's item sets

Medic

An unlicensed Doctor/closet-Nazi that clearly doesn't like the Hippocratic Oath. Secretly addicted to heroin and has a close relationship with the Heavy. He owns a flock of doves and blood gives him a hardon.

Your average Medic

  • Will use the Blutsauger because they think they can aim well enough to heal more damage than they take. Will often resort to the standard Syringe Gun if they realise they can't aim for shit.
  • Will never live long enough to Ubercharge.
  • Will use the Ubersaw because they think they'll hit something with it to increase Uber.
  • Will heal nothing but Heavies.
  • Will never heal Spies.
  • Will never heal Spies.
  • Will heal enemy Spies.

Medic's item sets

  • The Medieval Medic: Despite being advertised with a hat it isn't in the set, and without it it doesn't look very medieval.
  • The Clinical Trial: Artefacts from Medic's early days, before he lost his license.
  • The Mad Doktor: Halloween Promo set to look like a... well, mad doctor.
  • Eliminating The Impossible: "Shut the fuck up Watson you brown nosing prick and get me a beer." Eliminates mystery solving time by up to 88%.

Sniper

The Sniper throws pee.

"Mr. Mundy", more affectionately known as the Snoipah, is a piss-throwing Australian-wannabe wanker who lives in a camper van and prefers to be on his own. His parents are highly against his way of life and believe him to be a crazed gunman.

Your average Sniper

  • Will use the Sniper Rifle or its reskin, the AWPer Hand, to attempt (and often fail) to farm kills from miles away. Will resort to the Cuntsman spamming arrows if they get bored of standing in one spot getting backstabbed by the same Spy over and over again.
  • Will use the SMG (as a main weapon), the Razorback, or a jar of piss.
  • Will have the Tribalman's Shiv. but never use it.
  • Will camp near the spawn.
  • Will try to kill an enemy one mile away with the SMG.
  • Will attempt to play Spy after being shot to death after using the Razorback as a last resort.

Sniper's item sets

  • The Crock-o-Style Kit: Impersonate Steve Irwin to an exaggerated extent. Place calling cards on your victims to advertise your failure at being as awesome as he was.
  • Lawrence of Australia: Trying to look like a sand nigger when you're white doesn't quite have the same effect.
  • The Camper Van Helsing: Halloween Promo set to look like Van Helsing.
  • Dual-Purpose Fruit: Obvious reference to William Tell. Reduces the chance of hunger by up to 13%.
  • The Urban Professional: Dress up like a hitman, as if Sniper already look like one.

Spy

The Spy can disguise as other players and is a Frenchie. He fucks Scout's mom for a living and always smokes after sex. In fact, he smokes after everything, breathing included.

  • Revolver: Default Spy revolver and arguably the best. Fires fast for half-decent damage, but you have to be able to aim.
  • Ambassador: Weak Revolver, but with headshots. Turns you into a stealth-sniper. Also useful to butthurt Snipers with Razorbacks.
  • Big Kill: "Look at me! I paid for reskins of weapons because I have a job at McDonalds!". Now it's like the second fucking rarest weapon in the game. People give away all their shit for this thing. Oddly, functions as the stock Revolver but reloads as if it were the Ambassador.
  • L'Etranger: The worst of the six Revolvers, unless you're a Dead Ringer or Cloak and Dagger Spy. It's no coincidence that its name is French. Successful hits increase Cloak, and passively increases cloak duration by 40% for 20% less damage.
  • Enforcer: Does 20% more damage but only applies while undisguised. Disguised, it does the same damage as the standard Revolver. It has no random crits, and fires 20% slower. Also looks like a microcock.
  • Diamondback: Game-promoted weapon which earns crits for destroying sapped buildings to further piss off enemy Engineers for the lulz. Does less damage than the Revolver and doesn't get random crits. Best just stick to the Revolver if you suck at being the Spy.
  • Knife: Become a baller and stab people. Backstab is an instant kill. Fail to backstab and it leaves a scratch on your enemy's health. Taunt to make the Spy become a MASTER FENCER with the knife and say something about Cornish game hens. The other knives are pretty much the same.
  • Your Eternal Reward: The same as the Knife but with added identity theft. Backstab instantly disguises you as the poor fucker you killed, and his body disappears in moments without screaming. The catch: you can't use the Disguise Kit. Interesting in theory, stupid as shit in practice.
  • Conniver's Kunai: Reduces your health to 60, allowing most classes to OHKO you. But on the plus side, you get the enemy's health and more as overheal when you backstab them. As with all weapons used by weeaboos, it fucking sucks. Typical Spies will talk about how powerful it is if you chainstab, but that never happens.
  • Big Earner: It's the most useless of all the knives unless you're using the dead ringer, because on a backstab all you get is 30% OF YOUR FUCKING CLOAK BACK. Reduces your health by 25.
  • Sharp Dresser: A hidden blade in the Spy's sleeve, for shoving up your opponent's sphincter. Another useless reskin, this time of the Knife, only without the taunt kill. Backstab-ready animation takes longer, so good luck stairstabbing.
  • Wanga Prick: An oversized voodoo needle with a stupid pun for a name. A Your Eternal Reward reskin.
  • Spy-cicle: A long, sharp icicle. Yeah, seriously. An icicle. Backstabs prevent victims from screaming like a pussy, but all the enemy has to do to know you're there is turn around once to see the giant statue that says "HEY GUYS. I'M A SPY! KILL ME!" You're immune to fire damage for a total of two seconds, but it also melts your icicle and you have to wait 15 seconds for a new one. You might as well be dead because in 15 seconds without your knife, it's not like you were helping your team anyway. Used by Spies who don't realize that they can still stab people while on fire. In fact, they can stab the very Pyro that set them on fire in the first place.
  • Black Rose: Pretty cool game-promoted reskin of the knife; get a piss-easy achievement from a Free game called Alliance of Valiant Arms and you'll unlock it, then uninstall the game and never play it again. You can change its style so it can either be team coloured or black all over.
  • Invis Watch: You'll never guess what this does. It recharges when you pick up ammo.
  • Cloak and Dagger: Another Invis Watch, but made for the Spy who decides for hours when to fucking kill an enemy. Also used by Gabe Newell to sneak inside of KFC to steal all the chikins. Used only for back-capping a point.
  • Dead Ringer: Fake your death with instant cloak followed by a really fucking loud "HERE I AM" uncloaking sound and 90% damage immunity to all incoming damage. Picking up ammo recharges cloak, and as of July 10th taking incoming damage drains cloak faster, because Dead Ringer Spies used it all the fucking time and would almost never die thanks to the almost-inulnverable effect.
  • Enthusiast's Timepiece: Reskin of the Invis Watch. The funny thing is, none of these watches have an overworld sprite so other people can't fucking see it.
  • Quäckenbirdt: Another reskin of the Invisi-watch, only bearing the image of a duck.
  • Electro Sapper: Troll enemy Engineers by disabling and destroying their shit. Laugh as they struggle to whack your Sapper off, only so you can place another one on instantly. Tears will be consumed, lulz shall be had, rages shall be produced. If all else fails, stand outside of a sentry's view and shoot it until it explodes. Sap a teleporter entrance and stand on it as the engineer de-saps it from the exit to go through it and kill the poor fucker that was standing on the exit.
  • Red-Tape Recorder: Troll enemy Engineers by gradually reversing the building upgrading process until they curl up into balls, sit in corners in the fetal position, and suck their thumbs while wondering why their daddies never loved them. Also, a glitch allows Engineers to actually get to the highest sentry level.
  • Ap-Sap: A reskin of the standard Sapper bearing the likeness of Wheatley from Portal 2. He even says shit depending on what's happening, but you can only get one if you buy the Portal 2 Soundtrack and you get gifted a present in-game.
  • Disguise Case: Lets you steal someone's identity or look like somebody on your own team. Also turns you into a fucking crab.

Your average Spy

  • Will use the Ambassador because they think they can get a headshot with it.
  • Will use the Invisiwatch and crouch to try to "sneak" by, since every other player in the game is a Metal Gear Solid guard.
  • Will use the Cloak and Dagger because they'll never move from one spot.
  • Will always disguise as an enemy Spy because they don't realize their disguise and cloaking animations are team-colored.
  • Will always leave the spawn point disguised as an enemy in front of the enemy.
  • Will always use the Deadringer if they realize they suck at spy.
  • Will stand in one place with their gun to try and kill an enemy.
  • Will disguise as the enemy Engineer and place an Electro Sapper on all the actual enemy Engineers sentry's, teleporters and dispensers.
  • Will use the Eternal Reward because they think they can keep a disguise when backstabbing someone for more than 10 minutes.
  • Will use a Strange Dead Ringer if they can get one, because they don't seem to realize that all they're doing is tracking how many times they fuck up.

Spy's item sets

Weapons used by all classes

Sometime last Thursday, Valve decided it would be fun to introduce a small collection of melee weapons which functioned in the exact same way as the default melee weapons, essentially making them nothing more than expensive cosmetic reskins. The Spy and the Engineer can't use these reskins except the Saxxy for some reason.

  • Saxxy: A Gold trophy depicting TF2's very own Australian Chuck Norris, Saxton Hale. It turns killed enemies into Australium statues. It shines/glows in the dark so it makes for easy target practice for snipers.
  • Frying Pan: Originally only used by the Demoman and the Soldier. The only reason you'd want to use it is because the Scout can swing it faster than every other class, which results in MAXIMUM EARRAPE! In a recent update, they added Strange Bacon Grease, which turns unique pans into strange pans.
  • Conscientious Objector: A wooden road sign used by Christfags and hippies alike to hit people over the head with when others don't agree with them. The sign can be painted with random images using the Decal Tool.
  • Freedom Staff: A staff with a golden eagle on the top. Yet another promotional weapon awarded for buying the "Total War Master Collection", a selection of shit games you won't play.
  • Bat Outta Hell: A skull attached to a backbone. You can only get it if you get it by chance from a Mann Co. crate or buying it from the Mann Co. Store. Either way you have to fork out real jewgolds for it.
  • Memory Maker: A fucking camera. Awarded to the sad cunts who submitted their entries to the Second Annual Saxxy Awards and made it to the finals.
  • Ham Shank: A joint of meat which you hold by the bone. Awarded in Genuine quality for buying a game nobody cares about.
  • Golden Frying Pan: The ultimate coda to TF2's trading craze. Introduced in the November 28 Two Shitties update, only available if you earn it after completing the Tour, even then you have a 0.000000000001% chance of earning it. It now takes the cake for the rarest weapon in the game. A guy sold it for $5400.

Maps

ALL YOUR BASE! Warning!
This section needs moar popular maps and descriptions. Get on TF2 and find moar popular maps bitches!

TF2's got a lot of maps, yet you've probably never even seen or heard of most of them.

  • 2Fort: 2 forts, connected by a small bridge over water. Games end in a 0-0 stalemate as all players refuse to capture the intel, because they are all Snipers. Impossible to play Spy. Good map for lowering your IQ by 10.
  • Sawmill: Despite its name, you will never get killed by the sawblades unless you're a fucking idiot or a Pyro airblasts you. Convenient basketball hoop for the Ragdoll to land in
  • Turbine: A never-ending cycle of backstabs and Scouts getting buttfucked by the Engineers' sentries in the enemy's Intel room. One of the more popular maps for TF2 Machinima, but so is 2Fort.
  • Well: Trains. 'Nuff said.
  • Gorge: Totally fucking boring, but definitely one of the better stock maps.
  • 5Gorge: Gorge with five shitty points instead of 2. One of the only maps in the game that isn't desert.
  • Gravel Pit: 3-point control point map. Pretty fun, but impossible to protect A and B at the same time, so just pick one to defend.
  • Coldfront: Cold map for a cold day. Not taken seriously any more.
  • Fastlane: Faggy map where you have to capture 5 control points. That is, provided you can leave the spawn room as Engineers, Demomen and ubercharges block any chance of escape. You know, the usual.
  • Freight: I like trains. Seem familiar?
  • Convoy: HOLY SHIT! A capture the flag map where you're on two moving vehicles carrying explosives! You need Demomen, Soldiers, and Scouts to get across to the other side to capture the intelligence! But as you'd expect, it's a complete rocket and sticky spam-fest.
  • Granary: One of TF2's better maps until noobs ruined it.
  • Yukon: Set in Justin Bieber's hometown.
  • DeGroot Keep: FUCK YEAH Medieval mode!Melee only. Oh, it's full of Cuntsman Snipers and air-charging Demoknights. The idea was to only be able to use weapons that would have been used in medieval castle sieges, These weapons include wrenches, saws, boxing gloves, and fire-axes.
  • Dustbowl: Another one of the classic maps from TFC. Impossible to defend the first area on round one due to shit setup time. No convenient placement for sentries. Fun if you're on a good team against a good team. Rounds last less than a minute otherwise. Very easy to back-cap in the third area as a Spy or Scout.
  • Egypt: A completely shit map in a shit location.
  • Junction: A Gravel Pit clone, except you spawn camp RED with sentries and stickies. Terrible, shit, horrible, horrible map that's impossible to navigate.
  • Mountain Lab: Some shit lab.
  • Mann Manor: Clone of Mountain Lab, but Halloween themed. The lab is a mansion, and an instakilling skeleton wearing a pumpkin on his head and holding a fucking great axe appears to troll everyone on the map. Killing it for the first time gives you something to craft his axe or one of two hats. You will never get the Halloween gift because gift farmers have gotten there first.
  • Steel: Fun little map that lets you capture the final point first if you can rocket, sticky, sentry, or double jump. New players bitch about how hard it is to navigate, when it's as easy as reading the signs that show which point is through which door.
  • Hydro: A map hardly anyone plays. Teams are scrambled every round because the game thinks it's unbalanced when a team captures the single point necessary to win in a map that's about 5 feet wide.
  • Badwater Basin: Another neverending cycle of backstabs.
  • Barnblitz: Actually a really fun map.
  • Gold Rush: There's no gold here; your sole purpose is to blow up the other team's shit provided you can leave the room, because it's full of Demomen spawncamping you and blocking any chance of escape.
  • Hoodoo: A map nobody gives a shit about any more. Demomen once again block any chance of escape if you're on defense. Engineers block any chance of winning on offense. Similar to dustbowl, but bigger and more narrow corridors for Pyros to ruin everything.
  • Thunder Mountain: Map where soldiers can rocket jump, demos can sticky jump, and spys can stairstab everywhere.
  • Upward: Pyros airblast you off the cliffs causing instant lulz and rage. Impossible for Red to win.
  • Frontier (Payload): Nobody takes this map seriously. It's full of grenade/rocket spam and Kritzkrieg medics.
  • Pipeline: Fun little map where both teams have a payload cart that pass each other by. Good luck living for more than 5 seconds.
  • Hightower: Copypasta of Pipeline, except you can airblast fags off the cliff as a Pyro. Expect alot of Chibi sentries and "pros" complaining about how many Spies there are. Like 2fort, unofficial deathmatch map.
  • Nightfall: Pipeline for Demomen.
  • Lumberyard: You will not fall off the cliffs of this map unless you're a total fucking retard.
  • Nucleus: Arena map with a capture point hovering over a bottomless pit of insta-death. Easy to knock faggots off as a Pyro.
  • Offblast: What the fuck is Arena Mode? Kind of looks like upwards.
  • Ravine: Another shitty Arena Mode map. Either buttfuck all enemies by spawncamping or capture the point. Camp to generate lulz.
  • Watchtower: WHAT THE FUCK IS ARENA MODE.
  • Harvest: Staying on the rooftops is fun. Camp in the CP area with 3 Tomislav Heavies for the lulz, and add Kritzkrieg medics for even more lulz.
  • Harvest Event: Harvest, but filled with pumpkins. A bedsheet ghost appears that trolls anyone who walks near it and gives out a shitty hat.
  • Viaduct: King of the Hill snow map that lagged people's shitty PCs when it first came out.
  • Viaduct Event (aka Eyeaduct): Viaduct, but littered with pumpkins and an occasional gigantic floating nigger eyeball which can buttfuck you and open portals to the middle of a lake in the "underworld". You can also pick up a book so you can magically explode on death no matter how you got killed and get miscs that are only useable on Halloween. Wunderbar!
  • Lakeside: Copypasta'd many of its features from Egypt, except it's a King of the Hill map. As a Spy, let pyros chase you underwater for rape.
  • Foundry: Similar to 5-gorge with new achievements that unlock a free hat.
  • Mannworks: Some shitty map where you have to stop robots from shoving a bomb into a pit. Contains demospam as far as the eye can see. Hardest of the Mann Vs. Machine maps.
  • Coal Town: Same as Mannworks, but with a bunch of melee-only Heavies and your team jumping into the bottomless pit because they want to "see what's down there". Airblast a robot into the pit as Pyro for MAXIMUM PROFIT.
  • Decoy: Same as Mannworks, but with Scout rushes and giant Soldiers that have infinite crits.
  • Bigrock: A giant map with Engineers that build new spawn points for the robots. Standing on the rocks causes the spy robots to not see you at all.
  • itemtest: Modders use this to test their shitty skins or masturbate to a new item added to the game they don't own yet.
  • 2Fort Classic: Team Fortress Classic's 2Fort, reimagined and remade in TF2. Guess what: it's even worse.
  • Ghost Fort: Reskin of Lakeside with a giant pit of death and a wizard that rapes you and everyone else. 7 minute King of the Hill instead of 3. Each time a team captures the point, you're given a random effect. Uber, Raining Jarate, big heads, tiny heads, low gravity, super jumping, and a wizard.
  • Achievement_idle: The most played map in the game. Idle away as you earn all your new weapons and hats for the week by doing absolutely nothing. Get yelled at by newfags for healing them with the Amputator's taunt and exploit glitches from new weapons to kill and dominate the opposing (idling) team through the wall. Set up a sentry in the spawn just out of reach of spies to make all newfags bitch and complain. Be a Demoman and spam grenades into the spawn for EXTREME TROLLING!!!! This also caused a large amount of rage during '09, which lead to the Halocaust.
  • achievement_turbo: There are two main achievement_turbo servers: GamingDeluxe.co.uk and Rire's House of Butter. One is full of homosexual britfags and eurofags; the other has a 10-year-old admin and the community (namely the faggot queen "Dic Soupcan") constantly spew unfunny jokes and think that all other jokes are the most unfunny things ever. No-one here actually farms achievements. Any one that asks for help with getting achievements gets perma-banned by the fagmins for being a F2P-newfag and sounding like a crybaby.
  • achievement_chambers_v59_remix: A map only used by the Golden Machine Gun clan. Its primary purpose is fapping to furry porn sprays.
  • Achievement_v**: A map which constantly changes the last two letters of its name and its appearance. The map is used mostly for the "PuNkD's Mini Pharm" server and has butthurt messages strewn all over the walls saying the map "can only be used for PuNkD's mini pharm". The map and server is run by banhammer-happy Americunts who kick you for the smallest of things they deem as "offences" because achievement farming is serious business. These "offences" can range from mowing down a line of bots (whose sole purpose is to be killed for achievements in the first place), being on the wrong team, and arguing back when you get kicked from the server for standing still for five seconds (because you're "idling"). The server is laggy as hell because they use too many scripts.
  • Achievement_Pyro: An achievement map exclusively for Pyros, but can be used by all classes. Mostly filled with trolls, griefers, and players with nothing better to do.
  • Trade_Stockmarket: Aspies pretending there is an 'economy' within Team Fortress 2's trading system. Everyone here tries to scam each other by selling hats for more than they bought them for so they can make a profit on their shitty virtual hat trading game. Never go here expecting a good trade, as the fuckers who regulate these servers are all in the know of those bullshit 'hat tier lists' and ' unusual spreadsheets' you don't give a fuck about.
  • MARIO_KART: A classic micspam server. Filled with old memes on every billboard across the map.
  • MARIO_KART 2012: Updated version of the previous map, replacing most of the outdated memes with video game references from 2011 like Gaben, Portal 2 and Minecraft. You cannot build on the roof in this version, so the average match now consists of teams spawn camping each other's bases or just doing nothing at all.
  • dm_mariokart2: Basically a redesigned MARIO_KART without any 4chan references. As soon as you step out of the door, you will get destroyed by the other team. This is probably because they have either taken control of 1-1, or they trying to take control of 1-1, and you got in their way.
  • Zombie Fortress: Like arena, but BLU is Zombies and RED is survivors. You die on RED and you go to BLU. BLU team gets bigger until it eats everyone.
  • cp_aperture_scoutjump: A shit Aperture Science themed map intended only to piss people off enough so they quit. As a Scout, you have to complete 15 puzzles, each more impossible than the last, to capture a capture point at the end. Getting to it is impossible without the use of noclip. You need the Fag-A-Nature or the Atomizer to utilize triple-jumping, or both for quadruple jumping, to be able to complete it. Both teams are cut off from one another so there's no way to kill players on the other team until they get to the capture point, but by then they will have ragequit anyway.
  • cp_orange: Every server that hosts this broken piece of shit map has some kind of stupid server mod like RTD or Saigns' premium+TFC grenade bullshit. Worst map in the game by far.
  • Trade Plaza: A map specifically for trading despite the fact that you can trade anywhere in TF2. Sniper wars, Medic double-teaming, stupid admins (if any), and spawn camping summarize the map pretty well. As a Spy, have an enemy Engineer build a teleporter into the enemy base for EXTREME TROLLING.
  • Trade Plaza_2: Same shit, only bigger, and the F-Zero track isn't blocked off. Expect Sniper wars, Dr. Enforicle Spies, FaN Scouts and Battle Medics everywhere.
  • Trade Idle: Plaza+Achievement_Idle. Initially used to idle and trade, but you can upgrade your stats to MAXIMUM POINTS by spamming grenades at the enemy base. Map is full of at least 100 chambers that don't work because the admins are too lazy to activate them, and they ban newfags for spamming and begging.
  • dm_duel_v1: A shitty map with no game mode. Most players are Snipers and Engineers. The objective of this map is to enter the enemy base and spam them with grenades, stickies, turrets, and fire, because the creator made some windows that allows you to get into the enemy base and troll the opposing team. This map is used on server with over 24 hours per round and every round finishes with a "You failed stalemate".
  • trade_monoculus: A mix between a common trade map, DeGroot Keep, and Eyeaduct. It is used to get Halloween achievements by fags whoare too late for Halloween. Also, the server spawns a Horseless Headless Horsemann to make killing MONOCULUS! harder.

Hats

Just because they thought TF2 wasn't that gay yet, Valve announced that they would release items that would be given out at random during play, to force no-lifes and children to spend even more time on this fucked up game. After much masturbating by the TF2 community, many were pissed that they couldn't get the new unlocks and cried whenever they saw a player with the new item. Realizing how much jew golds can they earn, Valve started releasing shitload of pay-to-get hats, which players would happily spend money on instead of buying drugs or sex. For a full list of these hats, go here.

These are some of the more notable hats in the game which are now "Retired"; unavailable by crafting, random drops, via the Mann Co. store or "Unusual" crafting:

  • Batter Helmet: Scout's baseball cap because he's a wanna-be Babe Ruth.
  • Soldier's Stash: A 'Nam style helmet with an Ace of Spades and blunts for Soldier to smoke.
  • Pyro's Beanie: This name supports Pyro's latin background theory. Pissed off profags who thought the fan on top of the bean hat could spin.
  • Demoman's Fro: Demoman removes his suburban skull cap to reveal his stereotypical Blaxploitation afro.
  • Football Helmet: Heavy, being the American loving Eastern European he is, has a team-colored football helmet since he was too overweight to be a good football player.
  • Mining Light: Engineer straps a light to his work hat. Whoop-de-doo.
  • Prussian Pickelhaube: Fun fact, this medic hat is not a Nazi hat it was an imperial German one.
  • Trophy Belt: Literally Sniper's default fedora with crocodile teeth. Lame.
  • Fancy Fedora: And by fedora it's a trilby as Valve was too dumb to differentiate this Spy hat.

Non-Player Characters

As TF2 progressed down its path to becoming complete shit, a number of non-playable characters appeared. Really, Valve doesn't give a shit about any of them except for Saxton Hale, who is basically an Australian version of Chuck Norris who is slightly less unfunny but far more forced. One noteworthy fact about Saxton is that his name is an anagram for "hot anal sex". The only other character even worth mentioning is The Announcer/Administrator, who is a bitchy chain-smoking hag that sits in a chair and yells about how much you suck at the game.

The Horseless Headless Horsemann is an instakilling faggot with a fuckload of health, who appears during halloween events, but can be spawned and killed on player-servers to get the achievement at any time of the year anyway and used only on fun servers by server admins to troll. If you assisted in killing it for the first time and not die when it's been killed, you get an achievement and get "haunted metal" to craft one of the two halloween-themed shitty hats or HHH's axe. One of hats is a skull and the other is a round hat with a load of Voodoo shit on it. They're both fuck ugly, nobody likes them and those who do have one, or both of these hats, bought them from the Mann Co. store and used their Haunted Metal for the axe. But don't get too excited, because the axe is just a reskin of the Eyelander, a shitty weapon nobody uses because it's useless. You would only craft one for e-peen.

Spy Crabs

Crab on crab action.

Shortly after the game's release it was discovered that holding out your Disguise Kit, looking straight up, crouching, and then moving around resulted in the Spy walking in a wonky manner not unlike a crab. This became a meme among TF2 players. It's not uncommon to see a couple of Spies crabbing around for entire matches while onlookers point fingers and/or guns at them. Many a YouTube video documenting their shenanigans has been posted.

The phenomenon has also spawned a "Save the Endangered Spy Crabs" campaign, perhaps to counter the tendency for players who decide to kill Spy Crabs, or to parody the various campaigns employed by ecoterrorists to prevent the gathering of vital natural resources. Whatever the case, often medics participating in the campaign will use their ubers on the Spy Crabs to keep them alive as long as possible.

In an update, the Spy gained another taunt for the kit that puts the spy in the spy crab pose and he'll click his kit open and closed like a crab.

Jarate

ALL YOUR BASE! Warning!
THIS SHIT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME ON SPUF.

Some time ago a weapon called "Jarate" was added to the Sniper's arsenal. Jarate is basically a jar full of Australian piss. It supposedly started out as an April Fool's joke, until Valve decided to make it an official unlockable for the Sniper. The TF2 forums were immediately filled with over 9000 threads crying about Jarate being gross and immature, and demanding the rolling back of the item through a petition. Their petition failed and nothing of value was lost.

 
 
I spent hours on a psp refreshing and on the forums and all i get is a jar of piss as a weapon!!! - Darksider Look piss isn't funny, and valve this better be a joke. I love sniper, and if you're going to give him a jar of piss to defend from spies then you just ruined him. He already has the shield to defend from spies, and I don't understand why he would need two anti spy weapons. How about you give us a REAL weapon, and not some stupid joke that went too far.
 

 

—Just a Gigolo

 
 
WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

WOULD YOU PUT HUMAN URINE IN A VIDEO GAME

FORGET EVERY GREAT THING YOU'VE EVER DONE, VALVE.

YOU. OFFICIALLY. SUCK.

THIS CRAP IS NOT FUNNY.

AT FIRST I THOUGHT YOU WERE REDEEMING YOURSELF WITH THE AMBASSADOR, BUT

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

YOU PUT A JAR OF FREAKING PISS IN THE CLASSIEST GAME EVER
 


 

—NanoSquid, unleashing the motherfucking rage

 
 
I WILL NEVER FORGIVE VALVE FOR THIS

EVER
 


 

—NanoSquid, who never forgives and never forgets

 
 
I WANTED to thank Valve. Everything in this update was downright awesome.

...until Jarate. That concept is filled with more fail than the combined win of every other part of this update. Ruined the entire thing for me.

Fortress Forever? Yesplz.
 


 

—Ambersand

 
 
Not because a jar of urine is disgusting (which it is ofcourse), but because its uninspired, stupid, etc. I mean what the hell Valve? You can think up all these great things, but for the sniper inspiration runs out and you can't even consider a boomerang (since he's australian) over Jarate?

You are babies, people with the mind of 5 - who still laugh about pee, poo, etc.
 


 

—Airpressure

 
 
Fail petition thread is fail! CRY SOME MOAR!

/pisses in your mouth
 


 

—slingblade123, resident urophiliac

 
 
This is disgusting, and an embarrassment to tf2 and the community. Somehow you all think throwing jars of pee is mature? You're immaturity is telling. It's not funny unless you're in fifth grade or a monkey. I'd be embarrassed to have anyone I know seeing me play a game with a jar of pee as a weapon. It's stupid, juvenile, and immature, and anyone who doesn't see that is one of those three things, or so insecure that they want others to think they are one of those three things. I certainly hope valve removes this from the game- or this will be the first update that I am not anxiously waiting to play come Thursday. Valve really really sucked the life out of the update with this unlock.

/signed
 


 

—Mitthrawn, because TF2 is serious business

 
 
Its just stupid and they could have done way way better. All it makes me think is.........So the target audience is 12? Then you got the idiots that defend it. Grow up and have a sense of humor....is there come back. Its not what it is, its that it could have been something more fitting then just some lame joke.

/quits moves onto something else.
 


 

—Hektik133, who believes someone actually gives a shit

Previous Quote | Next Quote

Viral Faggotry

Valve decided to make different videos of classes comparing cock sizes. They decided to name them the "Meet the Team" videos. Every video is a documentary of a different class and their particular quirks. One of them is about a fucking sandwich.

Heavy
Soldier
Engineer
Demoman
Scout
Sniper
Sandvich
Spy
Medic
Pyro

Bonk Songs

Another popular fad on the internets was to make covers of well-known songs using nothing but the scout's "Bonk!" and "Boink!" sound effects, in a manner not unlike the utilization of PINGAS. The original Bonk Song (seen below) was of that theme that plays during NFL games. The Bonk Song, as well as some other unfunny TF2 shit, became extremely popular on YouTube, and soon many other versions were made, until it became shit.

Original (BALEETED)
Mortal Kombat
Mario Theme
Rocky Theme (BALEETED)
Dragon Force
Inspector Gadget
Legend of Zelda
Infinity 2008 (BALEETED)

Moments With Heavy

A very funny series on YouTube about everybody's favorite sandvich obsessed character Heavy Weapons Guy. Created by a faggot named kitty0706.

Jack Johnson says Hi!
Heavy Orders an XBOX 360
Heavy Goes Bowling
Heavy Takes his Driving Test
Heavy Has His Christmas Feast
The Quest for the Ultimate Sandvich
Heavy's Retarded Holiday
French Toast

Major Updates

September 2nd, 2009: The Halocaust

At the time, you couldn't go 1 minute on /v/ without seeing this.
SPUF's reaction to free updates

If TF2 wasn't gay enough, Valve announced that they would release items that could be found during play. These items would be given to players at random, meaning they were independent of the achievements. After much masturbating by the TF2 community, many were pissed that they couldn't get the new unlocks and cried whenever they saw a player with the new item. It didn't take long before many of the spoiled players decided to find a way to get the items. This resulted in players idling in servers, forcing TF2 to become Idle RPG.

Doing absolutely nothing in order to get items--which were intended to be given to people actually playing the goddamn game--was hard work, so they all decided to download a program that idles for them. Valve caught wind of the massive faggotry and went into an eRAGE. So what did they do? Fuck 'em in the ass is what they did. Valve removed all of the items that were obtained through idling. To nobody's surprise, the forums erupted in a fury that wouldn't be forgotten until the next update.

This act split the community in two, between those who didn't cheat and got a free halo, and the whining faggots that got punished for cheating. As a result, some servers started banning all halo-wearers, some banned non-Halo wearers, an entire group of medics was made to deny halo wearers health, and people reskinned the Halos to say "FAG". The Halocaust finally ended when everyone realized how fugly the hat actually was and the people that had Halos stopped wearing them. Idling continued and nobody learned a thing. Not even Valve.

June 10th, 2010: The Mac Update

Typical butthurt Anti-Mac fags.

On June 10, 2010, TF2 was officially released for Mac OS X to the ire of Mac haters everywhere. Along with the update, in-game white Apple-style earbuds were made available for people who logged into the game on a Mac. Like the Halocaust, this caused an eRage among many a butthurt faggot, many the same who were the same butthurt faggots who were denied a Cheater's Lament and lost all their items they obtained through Idling. One faggot even started a petition that ended up in FAIL after it was pointed out to him that most people wearing the earbuds were PC users who had logged in via a Mac to get the earbuds and that most Macfags don't game anyway. Again, it was another instance of a whole shitstorm over FUCKING PIXELS.

In the end, earbuds were actually useful because they acted as free-kill markers.

September 30th, 2010: The Mann-Conomy Update

Flaming hats? Shut up and take my money.
A typical trading thread on /v/

Trading and Store

Because Crafting was too fucking boring and players began wiping their arses with unused and unwanted Scrap Metal, Weapons and Hats, Valve decided to release another great update to the game, by enabling players to TRADE THEIR UNWANTED WEAPONS WITH EACH OTHER!!!!. As you would expect, thousands of idlers and players came out from under their rocks and into the wide, gaping bucket of a vagina known as Team Fortress 2, to idle away their worthless lives and to visit newly-established Trade Servers to trade their weapons. Various sources began slapping "values" on said Weapons and Hats so trading for your new, much needed shit weapon has become absolutely serious business and fair for all concerned. In fact, Trading has become so serious that said Nigerians made a spreadsheet of each of their individual values in Junkyard scrap, crates, Keys and the one Hat everyone creams their pants over, Bill's Hat. Yes, really. It is to be noted that the caretaker of the spreadsheet likes to put in incorrect values, just to piss off other players.

The day Trading was released, the Trading feature became so overworked in such a short amount of time that it fucked up the $team Cloud which resulted in rage from players, due to the loss of their precious metal and weapons and didn't think to wait until Trading wasn't so fucking buggy.

The update also released the Mann. Co store, which is an online shop with a selection of weapons and hats to purchase with real jew gold as an attempt to suck more money out of it's already-bleeding players of their cash for simply owning the game in the first place. To rub salt into the wound, purchased items are labelled as "Not tradable: Purchased items cannot be used in Crafting or Trading" to single out the fucking idiots who actually spends money on fucking pixels. The Mann Co. Store also sells other useless one-time-use shit like something to change your weapon's name or description, a can of paint to recolour your precious hats, and Fart horns. Most of which can be obtained through Drops anyway.

Players can also buy Keys which are the only way to open Crates, occasional useless drops which had been dropping a week prior to the update, and which drop seperately from the regular Item drop system. Crates contain one of the things listed in the description and you have a 1% chance of getting an Unusual Hat, just so your head becomes a bright obnoxious target for Snipers to see across the map.

Hat-related Faggotry

To make a certain retard buy games, Valve bundles hats with third party games on steam. And people actually buy games specifically for hats.

As if Promotional items didn't cause enough Hat elitism, Valve added a new type of item, the previously-stated "Unusual" Hat, which is just a regular hat but its wearer can now run around with various particle effects floating over or from his head to make him a perfect target for Snipers. Not only that, but its text is now PURPLE instead of yellow! Unusual Hats can only be obtained from crates, requiring a one-time use Key from the Mann. Co store which, naturally, costs real life jew gold or Trading with other players who have already spent 100's of jew golds on Keys. Owners of an Unusual Hat which is up for sale will try to rip you off, because everyone wants try to gain pixellated, worthless, unredeemable profit from it.

And because one kind of new super rare item just wasn't enough fun, they also gave all the items that existed before the Mannconomy update "Vintage" status. What this means is that your old hats are still just as useless and ugly as they were before, but now they have blue text instead of yellow! Many hat collectors (aka what remained of TF2's playerbase) put a great deal of effort into collecting Vintage hats, believing that in time they will become increasingly more rare as people craft and delete them. Any sane person would realize that nobody is going to delete an item that could get them at least 100 hats through trading, but anyone who had any trace of sanity stopped playing this game a long time ago, or at the very least didn't join in with the Trading hype.



CONCLUSION? TF2 is now the most fabulous first-person dress-up game on the market.


Gabe Newell's face when you open a Mann Co. Supply Crate.

December 17th, 2010: Ausfailian Christmas

Merry fucking Christmas, Buy our hats

Apparently, Valve decided that they wanted moar money for Christmas, and the TF2 community was going to be their Santa Claus. As Christmas day drew near, a number a special updates and events were held that would exploit people's desire for hats at a level never seen before. First they started the Steam Treasure Hunt, where players were awarded exclusive hats for buying expensive games they don't want. As it turns out, the first two hats were pirate hats with a treasure chest on top, and the 3rd hat, which required the player to own all of the games in the treasure hunt, was the same treasure chest getting eaten by an octopus. They also offered yet another promotional item to the people who bought Killing Floor, a game which half of TF2's community hadn't even heard of, let alone wanted, which was currently having its own (much less expensive) Christmas event, inadvertently revealing that the Pyro is a male britfag in the process. But the worst was yet to come, because who really pays for their presents?

The Christmas Update

Medic-cookies.JPG

Players knew that something Christmas-related was coming, as they were receiving mysterious "Festive crates" from drops, which looked like regular crates, but had all sorts of holiday shit piled on them. Many hoped that these crates would be opened up for free on Christmas day, and stockpiled them. To their dismay, what they got instead was Australian Christmas, a holiday where instead of giving you presents, Santa enslaves your children and bleeds you dry of your cash.

Valve added at least 100 new weapons and hats which they spent less than three minutes working on, which were just items they still had from the Polycount Contest made by the community, made evident by the lazy animations, taunts being re-used over 9000 times and horribly imbalanced stats, not to mention none of them had proper kill icons. It turned out the festive crates that were dropped in their thousands cost just as much money to open as regular crates, and were ultimately a waste of everyones fucking time in every way imaginable, because Valve planned to make the items inside them become craftable and obtained through drops later on anyway. However, Valve was kind enough to provide all players with a FREE KEY to open either a regular crate or a festive one. The newly introduced weapons needed an entire scrapyard's worth of metal to craft, because Valve wants you to buy these new, shit weapons rather than getting them for free.

In addition, A NEW GAMEMODE WAS INTRODUCED! It involves being forced to use Melee weapons, some ranged weapons which "would be used in Medieval times", like the Cuntsman, and anything else that doesn't shoot bullets. You also get forced to talk like a total fucking retard. Hooray!!11!!1!

After the event, all Festive crates were nerfed into regular ones.

The moneyfaggotry reached an all-time high when it was discovered the official map, Steel, was found broken. While it was common for TF2 updates to break community maps, this was the first time that an officially supported map wouldn't work. And the root cause? "The engine itself couldn't precache all the models necessary to render the map when all that memory was being filled up with hats and community weapons." The bug was fixed after a week, but Valve blamed the problem on the map rather than their own greediness.

May 5th, 2011: First Annual Saxxy Awards

As if the game wasn't shit enough, sometime in May 2011 TF2 was updated to include more features; It was given a "Replay" feature so sad-acts could record their shitty performances on the battlefield, and an entire competition was being run so that players can show off their tiny e-peen skillz in these videos and put them on the TubeYou, which was a cheap attempt to let people promote the game for free by spamming thousands of videos on the site. An editor was also added which was incredibly useless and difficult, if not impossible to use, and Achievements were added relating to it that can be easliy earned with an exploit anyway. The competition could be won in any of over 9000 categories, and if your video won in one of them, you and your imaginary friends, who helped you to make it, got a phr33 weapon called "Saxxy" which was essentially the Golden Wrench, but it was a trophy in the shape of Saxton Hale and a reskin of every stock Melee weapon, so it could be used by every class. Similar to the Earbuds, the weapon could be used as a free kill marker because it stayed illuminated in dark areas.

Many users got into a butthurt the day the competition ended and the rewards were given, because they accused Valve of "favouritism", preferring to let basement dwellers with Internet fame inflate their ego even more. Then everyone forgot all about it and hardly anyone who has a Saxxy actually uses it.

June 25th, 2011: TF2 is now free to play, faggots!

On June 25, 2011, Valve became the most lulziest of trolls; by realizing that after almost a year after the MannCo. shop was released, buying in-game hats became more expensive than buying the game itself. Like the good business men the folks at Valve are, they made Team Fortress 2 NOW FREE FOR ALL STEAM USERS, FOREVER!!!!!!! Basically, for those of you who bought TF2 prior to this update when the price was $10, or £4.99, you just spent money on a free game. Enjoy.

Nobody knows the real reason why Valve decided to go down this route, but it can be safely assumed that it was either to gain more money from selling in-game hats and weapons using the MannCo. store, or to gain more players, so more idiots will spend money on buying in-game hats and weapons using the MannCo. store. Either way, it boils down to the MannCo. store, whatever way you look at it.

TL;DR: Many SPUF users raged over the fact that TF2 is now free, and has been since Meet the Medic was released. TF2's predecessor, Team Fortress Classic, a shit Half-life mod that nobody plays anymore, still costs money. Those who paid for TF2 got an ugly hat and a "Premium account" and the Crafting system became more complicated than it needed to be. Many players BAWWWW'd and bitched about it, while others couldn't give a rat's arse and got over it. The end.

Expect more fanboy tears, griefing, rage-quitting, and micspam from unfunny 13-year-olds.

The Video

In order to spread the F2P disease throughout the TF2 community, they made a 54-second-long video. To make a long story short, this video is just a bunch of stolen and overused gameplay footage.

October 27th, 2011: Enter MONOCULUS!

Valve commited same-faggotry when they held yet another Halloween event and pretty much did the exact same thing as the previous year. They released a new map called "Eyeduct" (or "Viaduct Event"), which was a already-existing map called "Viaduct", but Halloween themed and released another NPC for both teams to kill, this time an overpowered floating Demoman's eyeball. Not only that, but the eyeball teleports and if players manage to reach the portal in time, they get sent to the Underworld. If they reach the end and not die, they become invincible and can deal crits for ten seconds. If they enter the portal that the eyeball leaves behind when killed, players can pick up a book which makes you explode when you die. Anyone who helped kill the eye without dying got an achievement and a nigger-eyeball hat.

The event also saw the release of a fuckload of Halloween themed items which could only be worn on halloween. Every player got a free gift from Valve which contained a Seal mask and a random Halloween costume piece. To complete costume pieces, gifts would randomly spawn around Eyeaduct and those who managed to pick one up got a random Halloween costume piece. Completing a set would make your class perform a unique taunt. You could also buy the costume pieces from the Mann Co. store, giving TF2 nerds and faggots a difficult choice, which was to either buy them or not bother with them.

December 13th, 2011: Ausfailian Christmas #2: Electric Boogaloo

Valve yet again commited same-faggotry when they held another Australian Christmas event which was a cross between the 2011 Halloween event and the previous years' Australian Christmas. Instead of just one Festive key and crate, Valve released 2 keys in the Mann Co. store. One was called the "Naughty Winter Crate Key" and the other the "Nice Winter Crate Key" to open their respective crates which players randomly get through the Drop system. Naughty crates give players Festive Stock weapons, which are basically Default weapons but with christmas tree lights on them, and Nice crates give players one of the new weapons and one of the fuckloads of new costume items. In other words, the whole thing is a massive waste of time like it usually is. In addition to this, Valve gave everyone a free badge with the "Strange" quality. The only way to upgrade it however, is to buy gifts from the Mann Co. store which, when used, gives a random item to a random user on the server. Yeah, really.

The update also saw the release of another map nobody cares about called Foundry, with its own achievements. Get 7 of them, you get a free hat.

February 14th, 2012: Happy Valentine's day! Buy a pixel for $100!

They also announced this shit. So the day it was released, chat was filled with faggotry such as "xXDarkMasterSniper360ProXx has accepted [GayPride]GenericFurfagName (Grounded)'s "COCK RING""

Valentine's day, a day where we all(?) celebrate having someone. For single people, it's a constant reminder that your life sucks. For Valve, it's an opportunity to cash in on this overcommercialised holiday, with wide grins stretched across their faces and dollar signs ker-chinging in their eyes. Valve, in their infinite wisdom, decided to release a ring made of pixels, which was readily available in the Mann Co. store. It was by far the most expensive item to date, costing at $100 (£69.99 for britfags) to purchase. You couldn't wear it yourself and you could only gift it to "someone who is special to you", essentially promoting Internet dating.

This same update saw the revamp of the trading system; you could no longer trade using the in-game screen and all trades were made to be done through the Steam Trading window, which had been buggy as fuck since its release and it didn't use Backpack organisation. Users using a potato for a computer also found it to be slow as hell.

And finally, the Sandvich and the Buffalo Steak Sandvich were nerfed so you can no longer heal yourself when you drop them on the floor. Instead, you just pick them back up. Tomislav+Sandvich+GRU Heavies everywhere were pissed because their favorite game-breaking weapon loadout is now useless.

June 27th, 2012: Meet the Pyro and the Pyromania Update

It took five years, but Valve finally gave us the final Meet the Team video, Meet the Pyro. It didn't answer any questions, but did offer insight into the Pyro's mind, in that he/she/it/thing/otherkin is a raging closet furry.

Prior to the release of the video, strange items had been dropping into people's inventories, like a Banana skin, a cheese wheel and a broken door frame. After Valve shat out the video all over Jewtube, all the items were reduced to ash en masse and magically became a large pile of ash when merged which shat out a MannCo crate. Which needless to say, requires a key to open.

Now, everybody and their mother wants the new guns that came with the update, not the least of which is Pyro's Rainblower, and his/her Lollichop and a fucking unicorn, all of which can only be seen in Pyroland. It also added the Scorch Gun from the video, but that can be seen whether you're in Pyroland or not. In addition to Pyro's new weapons, the Sniper got a new SMG and yet another Sniper rifle (because he really needed those), the Scout got a pocket pistol and the Solder got a rocket launcher made of garbage.

Damnit Gabe!

Don't shit yourself from all the awesomeness just yet! But you'd best sit on the fucking bog just in case. Valve also decided to add the inflatable unicorn from Meet the Pyro as an in-game item for every class! Isn't that wonderful?! In the same update they also made all characterized cosmetic items like the Teddy Roosebelt and the Pyro's brain slug show up in the killfeed when you kill an enemy with them equipped. So expect to find a shitton of bronies (already shitting up TF2) on every server prancing about with their renamed "Fluttershy" plushie virtual fuck-dolls hovering behind them.

August 14th, 2012: Mann Vs. Machine Update

Valve decided that the faggotry that arose involving two teams of real players pitted against each other and the constant bitching about how Overpowered weapons are becoming - and not thinking that they just suck at the game - became too much, so they appealed to the masses by adding a Co-op mode to the game, where you fight robotic versions of each of the classes which use the default primary weapon of each class. It includes the ability to upgrade your own weapons and character stats so you die less often, at least until you quit the game then you'll have to start from scratch when you join another game. Credits for upgrades are earned by picking up wads of cash dropped from killing robots because they apparently run on money.

During a game, the players must kill a ton of robots, 90% of them being Scouts. Occasionally, the game will spawn other classes, giant Soldiers, tanks that can't do shit and have a ton of health, and "bosses" that can kill anyone by touching them. RED team must defend some random pit from getting spontaneously combusted by whichever robot is carrying the bomb, which is usually a Scout. Valve thought thought it was a good idea to make new players wait 40 minutes for the next game, but they didn't realise there was a way around it. They did however add a Tour of Duty ticket to the Mann Co. store which allows exclusive access to Official Missions, and get used up on successful completion of one in return for giving the player items, including hats and weapons. Oh Valve, u so funneh.

The backstory behind the event is that Redmond Mann and Blutarch Mann, incompetent brothers and bitter enemies who own the teams in the game, get lured to a fake meeting proposing a truce, only for their long-lost brother Gray Mann to appear and reveal himself to the be one who sent the letters. After realizing his brothers were fucktards, he killed them and took control of both their businesses, merging them with his own. The mercenaries who had been fired from both RED and BLU as a result of the companies being nonexistant get rehired by Australian Chuck Norris to defend the lots of Mann Co. factories placed everywhere in the world.

The July 10th, 2013 Update

Valve finally realizes that shit was really unbalanced with this game and finally nerfs exploits found on many maps such as jumping and building sentry guns on roofs where you can't reach and get killed. On top of this, now they fix weapons such as the Dead Ringer and buff the Battalion Backup and Quick fix.

October 29th, 2013: The Scream Fortress Update

Every year, for Halloween, Valve sharts out another Halloween themed update to milk even more jew golds from gullible putzes.

Valve, decided yet again, that making a map from scratch is too much of a hustle, so they reskinned an old one, to make Helltower, which is completely different, because they added lava. It contains a new type of enemy: dead whores. Among the skeletons, the update adds a whole new set of achievements and a fuckton of Halloween themed items. There are three skeleton variations: small whores, medium whores and the ultimate whoremonger, king whore. The king whore is the equivalent of all the bosses introduced in the previous years, minus a health bar or the original allure, mainly goes unnoticed on the servers.

The update also introduced a new game mechanic to the fray: spell books. The spell clusterfuck ranges from "visual diarrhea" to "phonic pollution", with spells such as flames that kill you instantly , bats that lift you up to fuck knows and tiny skeletons that chase you around to munch on your groin. Rare spells can offer you the chance to summon the Niggereye or a meteor shower, that also kills you instantly. All spells are found around the map, while rare spells can be found only by crossing a ghostly flight of stairs that randomly appears every time Gabe farts on the Steam servers.

As usual, the random gifts are back. They appear on random spots, on random intervals and they give you a random item. To actually get this thing, you have to survive the spamfest or die two meters away from it, before another retard takes it. If you actually manage to get this gift, you will discover that the item inside it is holiday restricted.

In conclusion, Valve will successfully manage to keep harvesting the life force and money from their mindless drooling drones, until the only remaining thing that will remain from these will be a decaying shivering husk, just a worthless plebeian creature, that will gladly die in a dark corner somewhere, on his pile of unusual hats.

Alternate Names for Team Fortress 2


...and a bunch of other shit you can make up on your own.

Griefing

TEAM ROOMBA griefs TF2.
Ditto (Part two)
Moar griefing
No one cares about you.
Even moar griefing

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Videos

An average game of Team Fortress 2.
The Passion of the Scout
TF2 Theatre: Rocky IV
Typical TF2 player.
Thor strikes again!
YEAH TOAST!!!
Your typical TF2 player explaining typical things.

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Gallery

Team Fortress 2 About missing Pics

Related Articles

  • Gentlemen, a shitty meme
  • Half-Life, you know, VALVe
  • Counter-Strike, The most played game on Steam until TF2 went F2P
  • Autism, wihch is optional, unlike Minecraft, where full-blown autism is required.
  • Steam, where you play it on
  • Valve, the developers behind the game
  • Virgin, everyone who plays it
  • /v/, where there will be shitfests
  • Piss, the secret sixth element of this game
  • Griefing, which occurs
  • nope.avi, another shitty TF2 meme
  • EverQuest II, another cash shop hat-trading simulator
  • SPUF, where the TF2 board that ponyfags hide from the harsh reality of life in resides.
  • Ace of Spades a similar game but without the hats.
  • Brink, TF2 with more fail and less hats.
  • Soldier Of Fortune II - TF2 only with more 13 year old boys and no hats or rings.
  • Killing Floor - Zombies with hats.
  • Yuikami - She is infecting TF2 with GOTIS. Also the only girl on TF2.
  • The Unknown Autobot - Who has never actually played the game, despite appropriating countless images and soundclips from it in his videos.
  • Fedora - The faggot's chapeau of choice.

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