The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Arrow in the knee is not funny, nor are you edgy and cool for saying it.
The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim, also known as The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion 2: Electric Boogaloo or Call of Dragons: Magic Warfare is sadly, the follow-up to The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion and not the expected sequel. Released on 11/11/2011 but not at 11:11am or pm for the XBox 360, PS3, and PC, the game is famous for causing extreme drama just two weeks after its release, mostly caused by Bethesda's shitty customer support, game patches, and giving the finger to the modding community.
And because all that wasn't enough, Bethesda also decided to remove fan-made Youtube videos showing and promoting the shitty game by claiming copyright on these videos...because they love their fans so much.
In recent news, a joke taken from the dialogue of a character in this game about arrows to the knee has become cancerously popular among JewTube and Reddit users. It is unfunnier than Soviet Russia and OVER 9000 jokes combined, and has been labeled as a cancer of the internet and therefore must be killed with fire at all costs whenever spotted.
There were several things criticized and/or plainly wrong with Oblivion:
- That stupid story about gates to hell opening up
- The generic fantasy world
- Bullshit dialogue with too few voice actors
- Animations from the 1990s
- Bland, boring combat
- Bland characters
- Boring quests
- No actual player choices
- No real consequences when doing/not doing a quest
Instead of addressing any of these issues, Bethesda added the following much asked for:
- A new buggy game engine that will never be patched.
- Half-assed dual-wielding
- Finishing moves
To summarize the whole development process of Skyrim, here's a possible dialogue from two of Bethesda's game designers:
- Tim: Hey, Bob.
- Bob: Hey, Tim.
- Tim: You know, Oblivion's getting voiced dialogue. But what should we do to prevent NPCs from moving into the line of sight, pushing the dialogue partner or player away accidentally, or even the player from getting attacked?
- Bob: Hmm. How about we just freeze the time for everyone but the player and his dialogue partner?
- Tim: Great idea!
- Tim: Hey, Bob.
- Bob: Hey, Tim.
- Tim: That time-freezing idea was pretty bad. It just looked silly that everyone just freezes just because the player speaks with someone.
- Bob: Well, how about we just don't do that again? Let the time flow in Skyrim's dialogue as normally?
- Tim: And how are we going to solve the problems coming with that?
- Bob: We won't.
While other game developers just spam dozens of Trailers and use over-the-top yet vague descriptions to promote their games, Bethesda had another brilliant idea:
- Announcing Skyrim to use an all-new engine. A few months later it was revealed that they just altered the Gamebryo engine from Oblivion and Fallout 3 and thought it was enough to call it all-new. Nope.
- The first trailer is supposed to show scenes rendered on the Xbox, suggesting it looks better on PC. Much later they admitted it was PC footage and the Xbox version looked much worse.
- Another Bethesdafag suggesting stunning graphics on a high-end PC would "melt your face". As long as you never played any game in the last four years, that's probably right.
- PC version will get a better interface LOL WUT
- Skyrim will use DirectX11 to run faster on corresponding graphic cards. It's released now, and not a single fucking trace of DX11 support.
- The game will have 70 voice actors. Yet if you're playing you'll think the jarl of Whiterun follows you wherever you go.
The combination of Todd Howard and G4/every other popular game rating site/show sucking bethesda's dick in hopes for jewgolds made Skyrim one of the biggest sellers of this year, a feat that couldn't have been the result of Bethesda being shameless whores.
You, Dovahkiin, Dragonborn, are the only person capable of stopping a vast conspiracy (involving dragons) that threatens the entire empire. You face enemies who have never known defeat and strive to destroy you, yet if you blow off the main quest nothing will happen. Along the way you will encounter some horrible AI, buggy graphics, and an awful physics engine. Oh yeah, there's also a civil war in Skyrim, a Mages Guild quest line, a Fighters Guild quest line, a Thieves Guild quest line, an Assassins Guild quest line, and a clusterfuck of pointless quests that are only there to create the illusion that the game has more content than a shitty main story, but nobody really cares about that.
A Brief Summary of What You'll See in Skyrim
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Bethesda's main priority with Skyrim was to make the game twice as long because Oblivion was apparently too short. So instead of the regular class system Morrowind and Oblivion had, there isn't a system at all. Instead there's this Guardian Stone bullshit you can do instead which levels up class skills 20% faster. It doesn't make a difference either way, as it just makes grinding less painful. That aside, here's what you can be in Skyrim:
- Warrior: Being a Warrior in Skyrim is pretty much the same as it is in Oblivion. It's still the same lame combat system you know and love from the last game. Instead of blunt and blade skills there are two-handed and one-handed skills instead. As you level up you can improve your skills by earning new abilities: doing extra damage with a warhammer, doing critical damage while sprinting and power hitting your target, attacking faster with two weapons, etc.
- Mage: Mages are infamous in the land of Skyrim, probably because 99.9% of the population hates magic because they think it's evil or some shit. Because there's no mage guild or any shops to buy spells from, it's pretty much impossible trying to become a good mage. And whenever you're able to find any of these you're going to be even weaker or more useless anyway. However, when you're fighting against another mage it's either going to be super easy or just unfair. Novice mages can die within one hit, so there's really no threat beside losing a couple of health points. However, when you come up against apprentice mages or anything that is higher in rank than you, you're pretty much fucked. An apprentice mage can drain your health within a couple of seconds of
castingspamming their spell, and if they're using a frost spell it's even worse because you're frozen in place. Mages also tend to run away a lot due to them running out of magicka, so you'll find yourself running after these faggots until you finally catch up and bust their heads in with a warhammer.
- Thief: It is impossible to be a successful thief in Skyrim, because no matter how lightly you sneak someone will always detect you from a mile away. There's also the fact that sneak attacks do shit to your target and you'll always get caught while stealing something since people can constantly detect you, defeating the whole purpose of being a thief. Stealing from shops are the other hand isn't that difficult, just pick the back door to any shop at 4 o'clock and take as much stuff as possible. Or just put a pot on the shopkeepers head and take everything, this works much better then the other method of stealing and less time consuming. Also note that no matter how many patches this game goes through, this will always work.
While there are retards that actually think of Skyrim as an RPG, it's much better to compare it with any generic MMORPG like WoW:
- You are running around in an open world that doesn't react to your actions (except NPCs not respawning).
- You are doing linear, boring dungeons with trash mobs (having trash lewtz) and boss mobs (dropping phat lewtz).
- You're doing repetitive quests for people who barely know you, with less story than a generic WoW quest.
- You have to grind for hours to level alchemy, running around like a retard collecting flowers, giant's toes, bees, bee hives, butterflies, torchbugs, human flesh, deer antlers, elven ears, spider eggs, semen, santorum, and other shit just to mix them mindlessly, trying to get crystal meth out of it instead of crap.
- Because that wasn't enough MMOG in Oblivion, they also added smelting, smithing, and cooking to the game.
However, there are two essential differences between Skyrim and an MMORPG:
First of all, in Skyrim, you can't run to Solitude showing off with your shiny new armor. While the stupid annoying NPCs comment on everything - absolutely everything, ranging from a quest you finished three in-game months ago up to your high speechcraft level you got from selling all the lewtz you made - they don't give a fucking shit that you're running around dressed like a fucking Daedra. Oh and of course, it has no multiplayer.
Secondly, MMORPGs are actually balanced. In Skyrim, on Adept (the standard difficulty level), you will soon one-hit everyone and their mothers. On Master, you will still one-hit almost everyone - but everything else will one-hit YOU. Not to mention you can actually level smithing by crafting at least 100 iron daggers, with materials costing almost nothing, and because the smith sells iron bars and leather, you just have to wait 24 hours for his inventory to reset and craft moar. After you've crafted yourself some fine armor and weapons, there is actually nothing to do in the game any more. Even a stupid Daedra dagger is more powerful than any artifacts you may encounter on your adventures - and why exactly would you want to do boring quests in boring dungeons, if not for phat lewtz?
In fact, Skyrim doesn't offer any qualities you could expect from a single-player game - such as a great story, good graphics, complex game design or just lots of cutscenes. Instead, they took the same line as most MMORPGs and failed miserably. Still, 7 million faggots proved you don't need to make quality - or even a working game - to make money.
Skyrim also features automatic movement, so you can keep one foot on your mouse and your other foot on your penis. Don't tell me what you do with your hands.
Skyrim allows you to choose between a variety of races for your character. However, many of them look very similar, save for the hair color (which can be altered anyway, so what's the point?) All races have a power they can use once per day, and all except Orcs have a least one constant passive ability.
|Argonian: These fellows are essentially the niggers of the Elder Scrolls universe, Skyrim included. A humanoid reptilian race with a natural resistance to diseases and the ability to breathe underwater. They can call upon the Histskin to regenerate health very quickly. For some reason, all Argonian females have the voice of a sixty-year-old chain-smoking truck stop whore.||
Breton: A human race skilled in magic that also has a 25% magic resistance. Bretons can call upon the Dragonskin power to absorb have the magicka from incoming spells. A subgroup of them are native to the Reach in western Skyrim, and some are fighting a guerilla war against the Nord rulers. They are the Celts/French of Tamriel.
|Dark Elf: Also known as "Dunmer", they are an elven race with red eyes and ash-colored skin tones, noted for their stealth and magic skills. They are naturally resistant to fire and can use their power of Ancestor's Wrath to surround themselves in flames. They are discriminated against by the other races, especially the Nords in eastern Skyrim.||
High Elf: Also known as "Altmer", the High Elves are a golden-skinned elven magical master race. They can call upon their Highborn power to regenerate Magicka quickly. Their homeland is currently part of the Aldmeri Dominion, ruled by the Thalmor, who believe in elven supremacy and acting like snobbish dicks all the time. The Aldmeri Dominion recently fought a war against the Empire, and now tries to use the empire as a puppet to enforce its will.
|Imperial: Imperials are a human race skilled with combat and magic. Members of this race make up the Empire's ruling elite, and the Nord Stormcloaks don't like them for tryin' to keep a brotha down. Imperials are very good with money and wherever there is gold, they always find more. They can call upon the Voice of the Emperor to calm an enemy. They are the Romans of Tamriel.||
Khajiit: The Khajiit are every furfag's wet dream: a somewhat realistic looking cat humanoid that walks on two legs and has tits (females do anyway). Despite this, no Khajiit NPCs are available for marriage. They are supposed to be good at stealth. Even in the land of Skyrim, a land where elves, dragons, and trolls run rampant, most despise these shifty felines for being the abominations that they are. They can see in the dark and have unarmed claw attacks, which are of limited use because Skyrim got rid of hand-to-hand skill. Their homeland is under Aldmeri Dominion vassalage.
|Nord: The natives of Skyrim, they are a race of tall and fair-haired humans. Nords are strong and hardy, have a resistance to cold/frost, are good in combat, and generally kick ass at everything they do. They can use a Battlecry to make opponents (and anyone else within the area of effect) flee. They are the Germanic people of Tamriel. The default player character is a male Nord.||
Orc: The ancestors of the Orcs were elves but after an incident involving their god they became the beastly, green-skinned, tusked people they are today. They are not especially well liked by any other races lore-wise. Some say they are ugly, like a hairless troll that tried to give a blowjob razor-bladed dildo. They are skilled in heavy armor and smithing. Their racial power is to activate Berserker Rage and beat the shit out of everybody, doing double damage and taking half damage. They have no passive abilities unlike the other races.
|Redguard: While the Argonians by many measurements claim the title of being Skyrim's (and Oblivion's) niggers, these Skyrim renditions of towelhead sandniggers are only a stone's throw away from sharing a tie of said title with the Argonians. A human race, the most naturally talented warriors in Tamriel. Redguards have a 50% resistance to poison and can call upon Adrenaline Rush to regenerate their stamina ten times faster. They are the Black Africans/Moors of Tamriel, sometimes seen wearing turbans and robes and wielding huge scimitars. The Redguards are on now on uneasy terms with the Aldmeri Dominion and the Empire and a turf war may be in the works. Despite Redguards being a dark-skinned race, Redguard children in Skyrim are as pale as Breton, Imperial, and Nord children.||
Wood Elf: Tree-hugging forest people also known as "Bosmer." Wood elves supposedly make good scouts and thieves, and are best at archery. They have natural resistances to both poisons and diseases. They can Command Animals to do their bidding. Their homeland is part of the Aldmeri Dominion. No Wood Elf NPCs are available for marriage.
Some of the same skills that were in Oblivion are in this game. Unfortunately, there've been new skills added. Most skills involve hours of mindless grinding, such as smithing and alchemy. Other skills like two-handed and one-handed were just Bethesda's way of saying that they have barely anything new to add to the game. Here's a list of the skills in Skyrim:
- Alteration: Most Alteration spells are useless like in the last game. There are the life detection spells which aren't useful most of the time, water breathing which has no point because there's nothing in the water to look for, telekinesis which no one gives a shit about, and Light, the only useful spell just in case you have your hands full with a sword and shield.
- Conjuration: Conjuration is basically summoning demons and shit. Conjuration spells can also be used to bring the dead back to life for a short period of time to fight with you. You can create bound weapons which increase your weapon skill and your conjuration skill at the same time. This basically leads to a conjured bow that's better than any weapon you'll ever find in the game, period.
- Destruction: Destruction mainly focuses on three elements: fire, frost, and shock. For some reason, they couldn't come up with anything else besides those three. As in Oblivion you have a flame spell by default, which doesn't do anything besides do minor damage to your enemies. Shock, on the other hand, drains your target's health and their magicka, so it's great to use it against magefags. Finally, there's frost, which is just like raping your enemies because they're frozen in place.
- Enchanting: Enchanting is a skill that can be used to make your items stronger or have magical effects. But of course it's a bitch trying to find the material you need to make enchanted items. In a typical moment of genius, Bethesda didn't put any limitations on Enchanting buffs, meaning you can do infinite loops with potions and equipment and end up with an iron dagger that could one-shot Akatosh.
Illusion is used to trick your enemies or canThis is just used for the light.
- Restoration: Restoration is used for healing, curing disease, and fortifying your health, magic, and stamina. You can also bring things back to life for a short period of time, but no one really cares about that.
- Archery: One of the few really cool perk trees in the game that lets you go into slo-mo sniper mode and kill off everything at a distance. This combat ability is one of the only things that give rogues the chance to survive out in the wild, as their only hope is to crouch and shoot stuff and hope it dies before it reaches them.
- Block: Yet another pointless tree, it gives you abilities that have almost no functionality in combat like bashing with your shield. You are just wasting time, so hit them with your weapon or use a Shout.
- Heavy Armor: Next time you're running around Skyrim, park your ass in a giant's camp and let him beat you until this levels to 100. The devs ingeniously created an armor cap of 80% damage reduction, which is around 567 armor rating. With four or five perks in the Heavy Armor tree, your armor will be at the cap, even if it's just plain old steel armor.
- One-Handed: The folks at Bethesda sat around with their thumbs in their asses trying to come up with some more combat perk trees, and they produced the one- and two-handed weapons trees. The only useful perks are the ones that boost damage 100%; don't bother with the other crap because by the time you hit 100 with either skill your weapon damage will be like 200-300 a swing, which is more than enough to kill anything in game with a couple of swipes.
- Two-Handed: See above. Shittier than one-handers because you can't attack and use spells.
- Smithing: If you have like four hours to spare, run around buying iron and leather and make a shit ton of daggers. Enchant them with even the most basic power and the resale value is like ten times the cost for materials. Do this until you unlock Daedric and Dragon armor, then congratulations! - you now wear the best armor in the game. No questing required.
TL;DR: Spec this stuff to make your iron-clad warlock invincible and run around burning stuff up.
- Alchemy: Run around and gather tons of random junk, then eat it or mix it and cross your fingers that you get something good. Takes an eternity to level up. Unfortunately the few potions that would actually be awesome only last like 60 seconds.
- Light Armor: You can wear all leather dominatrix gear or some glass armor, and still hit the same armor ratings as full Daedric plate thanks to the perks in the light armor tree. Supposedly you need this type to be a good rogue since the heavy armor is too noisy; Bethesda didn't want to leave anyone out so they made an enchantment called muffle that makes even the heavy stuff silent.
- Lockpicking: An entertaining mini-game ability that lets you unlock doors and chests and shit. As further proof of their laziness, Bethesda decided to just port the exact same system from Fallout 3. It is unclear how leveling the skill makes it much easier to do.
- Sneak: In Skyrim, sneaking means to crouch and walk around like a cerebral palsy victim. This skill only works if your victim's back is turned and you're in another room. Otherwise you are detected almost instantly by NPC's and mobs alike.
- Speech: A merger of Mercantile and Speechcraft skills from Morrowind and Oblivion, speech governs prices and your ability to persuade, intimidate, and bribe.
Here's a list of some enemies you'll find in Skyrim:
- Dragons: Supposedly the reason everyone bought the game. The first time you fight a dragon, you feel like a total badass. Then once you pass a certain quest, they start attacking every time you take two steps, and you have so many dragon bones in your inventory you can't even pick up a potion.
- Bandits: Most of Skyrim's population seems to consist of these overly-aggressive, mentally-deficient lawbreakers who want to kill you and take your stuff. Some of them run around half naked, despite the fact that Skyrim is the coldest place in Tamriel. At early levels, they constantly one-shot you, and at high levels you sneeze on them and they die.
- Bears, sabercats, and wolves: various aggressive predators that attack you in the wilderness
- Falmer: The equivalent of goblins in Oblivion, often found inside ruins and caves. They're overpowered for goblin-like creatures and can take lots of damage for some reason. They are often accompanied by chaurus, giant four-legged earwigs.
- Dragon Priests, Draugr, Ghosts, Skeletons, and Zombies: various kinds of undead
- Giants: Giants populate the tundras of Skyrim. If you step within fifty feet of the bastards they'll launch your ass to the moons with their massive clubs.
- Forsworn: Rebels in the Reach with little practical distinction from bandits
- Frostbite Spiders: Mutant spiders. These things are almost everywhere, and is the almost the weakest creatures in Skyrim. You don't need to waste your time swinging on these things, unless if you like it's poison so much.
- Hagravens: Part-woman, part-bird witches. The player character becomes engaged to one while drunk in one of the Daedric quests.
- Ice Wraiths: Floating ice creatures that you only see around the area of Winterhold, or maybe the Throat Of The World.
- Mammoths: Mammoths are big, hairy creatures which are slow and take lots of damage to die. They drop tusks that can be used in alchemy and mammoth steaks. Some of them can fly.
- Mudcrabs: The favorite conversational topic of NPCs in Oblivion returns in Skyrim. Horrible creatures. They are slow and weak nuisances, and if you get killed by one of these things, you are too much of an exceptional individual and should quit.
- Skeevers: Like the rats in Oblivion, they're very weak and do little damage but when they attack they'll give you AIDS so watch out.
- Slaughterfish: These fuckers will swim up from the bottom of the lake and bite your dick off when you're not looking.
- Spriggans: Tree spirits in the form of wooden female humanoids. They can call nearby animals to their aid.
- Trolls: They are only the most famous creatures in Skyrim because of their health regeneration which almost everyone got butthurt about. The only way you can kill it is using Unrelating Force at it (if you're at a cliff with it, then watch it roll down the cliffs and to the land as you laugh at it's dead body.)
- Wisp/Wispmothers: Some rumors say that these things are uncommon creatures only existed in the north. The Wispmothers are just mage ghosts that shoot an Ice Spike right up your ass if you even get near it or misclick and accidentally swing a blade. The only reason why they are partially famous is because basement dwellers saw that the Wispmothers are almost naked and masturbate to that creature all because it partially showed tits. Oh, and not to forget, they only carry glow dust.
- Vampires: Somehow, Bethesda made vampires in Skyrim original by using a spell to drain your blood, whilst the vampire's health gains. Too bad this spell is shitty since you're on lvl. 20-50 or somewhere around that.
- Warlocks: Hostile elemental mages, conjurers, and necromancers who spam spells.
Probably the most tedious things to do in Skyrim are quests, because Bethesda thought it would be a good idea to choose quantity over quality for Skyrim. The normal quests are the worst type. Normal quests consist of lots of travelling and searching for specific items just to come back to realize you have to travel some more to some other distant location that you'll have to walk to and find another item or. Side quests, on the other hand, are short, pointless, and boring. Most of the time they have no purpose besides fucking around. The thing about Skyrim is that when there's a normal quest there're at least 100 more smaller quests to go with it.
There was one thing that Todd Howard didn't lie about, and that was how Skyrim has a endless supplies of quests which are the boring, tedious ones involving killing a giant or killing a group a bandits to receive a bounty of gold and so on. Unless you have half a brain you're going to find this to get boring real fast.
In case you're either a dumb fuck or never even laid eyes on WoW (which is a good thing, actually): Skyrim is a complete rip-off of Northrend. Face it, even the Dovahkiin's trademark helmet resembles the plate helm that every WoW player knew back in 2008.
The game world itself is obviously the same Scandinavian faggotry as Northrend, except the latter is clearly recognizable as a fantasy setting by stuff like a floating city and a crystallized forest, whereas Skyrim's just the same shit Swedish people see every day. It's also full of vikings, and your enemies are either undead or dragons. There are even dwarven ruins in a snowy mountain area, full of brass steampunk stuff that's trying to kill you. Just what WoW fags were raiding five years ago, amirite?
Of course that's not the only game they ripped off. How about that Fus Ro Dah thing? It's practically Force Push, just coming out of your mouth instead of your hand. The particle effects are even the same as in The Force Unleashed. Except the latter game had working physics.
Here's a gallery of moar ripped off stuff.
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Because Skyrim is -- like every other game Bethesda has released -- bugged as shit, it needs to be fixed. However, instead of adding more hats to the game, these patches are completely useless and generate a large amount of butthurt on the community forums.
The 1.1 patch was supposed to fix some bugs. However, because the community doesn't consist of 90% retards (only 89%), gamers found out that the original released game was already updated to version 1.1.21 and that the patch was just made to bind the game to Steam to stop modders from editing the Skyrim.exe file so they can't use more than 2GB Ram anymore. Pirates can still use these EXE modifications and saved themselves $60.
For the 1.2 patch, gamers expected a large pack of fixes because it was now two weeks since the last patch. But, as with the 1.1 patch, Bethesda gave the community the finger and only 15 bugs were fixed (13 for the PC and most of them were barely noticeable). This, of course, caused extreme butthurt, again. Some argue that the patch was already made the day before Skyrim's release but Bethesda wanted to release the unfinished, half-assed game on the 11-11-11 to be kewl so they released all the important patches afterwards.
Update: The so called "Fixing" patch breaks more than it fixes (and no one is surprised). Dragons also fly backwards now. look!
Creation Kit and Modding
Just as the situation couldn't get any worse, Bethesda unloaded more gargantuan amounts of shit into the fan by announcing that the Creation Kit would be released in
January and that it would use the Steam Workshop. The fans got Bethesda's giant hand of not giving a fuck slapped right into their faces.
And of course it wouldn't be a Steam add-on if its release doesn't get delayed. It's February and there's still no fucking sight of it expect for a shitty video that shows how much ass these tools suck as it automatically updates your mods without knowing if the mod author's being an extreme troll by completetly removing every mod file out of your folders except for a TXT with a trollface inside.
To summarise all the Mods you'll ever find on Skyrim, armour and weapon mods are either the exact same thing with different statistics or a shitty recolor which looks exactly the same as the in-game version, quest mods will feature you doing a quest that looks like it's been written by a 3 year old, and 99% of the time, there won't be any voice acting, so all the NPC's you come across in the mods will look like retarded fish with their mouths flapping open and close. There are also some mods that change the lighting but almost all of them will cause your game to crash, causing you to ragequit and play better games. There's also sex animation mods for greasy basement dwelling losers that won't get laid in real life. Also, it has been found out why the Creation Kit was delayed for so long. Click here to find out.
Some quotes for you:
|Previous Quote | Next Quote|
The TL;DR version:
Bethesda WILL using the workshop to make money from selling mods and using it to integrate them into the PS3 and XBox 360 versions of the game for even more money. PC players are pissed.
—Bethesda, sucking the modder's cocks once again and saying that the console versions suck because they can't be modded.
|Skyrim mods in a nutshell||About missing Pics|
Bethesda's Game Jam
One day, Todd Howard along with his other co-workers decided to put something together for their loyal fans to show what they've been doing since Skyrim came out beside breaking the game with all the new patches. The result was Game Jam, a event which involves all the employees at Bethesda Studios to come together and make their own content for the game. Most of the content however was basically gimmicky shit, visual improvements, stuff taken from other games or content that was from previous Elder Scrolls games, with the list below just naming a few of the pieces of shit made by Bethesda employees.
- Seasonal Foliage, Flow-Based Water Shader & Water Currents in Dungeons: The only reason for this existing is so that hardcore, elite, RPG players can "immerse" themselves further in the game, when in reality, we all know that they have no redeeming qualities in real life so they have to live their lives through their Skyrim character.
- Spears: You thought spears were over-powered in Morrowind? Well they're back! Besides copying other peoples ideas Bethesda decided to recycle something that was best left out of the game. But of course the employees being sap of creativity as they are, would obviously do something like this. But this wasn't really a big surprise anyways.
- Kill Cams For Magic & Ranged Combat: This was only made to shut up butthurt Skyrim faggots who took their RAEG to the Official Bethesda Forum, stating that "IT SHUD BE IINNN THE FULL GAEMMM!!".
- Paralysis Runes: A Bethesda employee's attempt at making us think that strategy can be used in Skyrim, which we all know is just a waste of time, as all you need to win Skyrim is to hold down the attack button.
- Dark Dungeons: Created after one of the very few intelligent Bethesda employees realised that not every single cave in existence has torches in them.
- Water Arrows: Water Arrows allow the player to take out torches in runes or mines to add as a stealth element in the game, although this feature being taken from the game Thief: Deadly Shadows which involves stealth. Not to mention it's totally useless in Skyrim because no matter how dark it is enemies will detect you.
- Adoption: Unless you're some creepy pedophile, you'll probably find this utterly useless and annoying.
- Skeleton Butler: Again, another example of Bethesda being fucking lazy and recycling things that were in previous games. If you remember the robot butler from the Fallout 3 then you know what we're talking about.
- Goblins: Being brought back from Oblivion, these Goblins will do the exact same thing they did in the previous game, being that they run around, occasionally grunting and making incoherent noises, and being in every cave and dungeon you will come across during the rest of the game.
- High Level Draugr: Since it is already established that Bethesda employees are fucking lazy, it's no surprise that one of them just slapped on a different colour of a normal Draugr, increased it's attack damage and HP and released it.
- Kinect: The Kinect feature gives you the ability to activate shouts using your voice by saying shouts name. Unless you already have the a kinect there isn't really much of a point to this.
Fall of the Space Core
On top of all this faggotry, if you get the Creation Kit, it comes with a mod which adds the Space Core from Portal 2 into the game which just shows how much Bethesda sucks Valve's cock. All the dumbshit 13 year olds ejaculated and clapped like retarded seals upon seeing the core falling to the ground screaming SPAAAAAACE while the more mature Skyrim fans spammed how it fucked the atmosphere of the game. It also adds the painfully unfunny "Dovahcore Helmet", which is Bethesda's painfully horrible attempt at being funny. It also features two new loading screens and Wheatley.
Xbox 360 and PS3 players have an advantage here because they don't get to be annoyed by the mechanical piece of shit in the first place.
After counting their hard-earned Jew Golds, Todd and friends got off their golden thrones once more to make the first add-on for Skyrim to keep their masses of asspie fans happy. The DLC focuses around the Dawnguard, a secret club dedicated to hunting down Vampires, and a Vampire Clan, lead by some Vampire faggot who wants to block out the Sun. It was released first on the Fail Box 360 on June 26 2012, which shows how much Bethesda loves sucking Microsoft's cock, with
the PC and PS3 versions releasing on a later date the PC getting sloppy seconds a month and a half later and PS3 owners getting nothing potentially ever getting them in early 2013, about two months after everyone forgot what Skyrim was.
Not surprisingly, since
most all of Bethesda Game Studios employees are fucking lazy, a majority of "new" items and creatures added into the game are just recolours that manage to fool the retarded fans of Skyrim, and since this is Bethesda, they release it as buggy as shit, causing things like NPC and player hair changing colour or disappearing, Dragon souls unable to unlock shouts and many more bugs you can expect from a Bethesda game.
- Creatures: Most of the "new" creatures added into the DLC are just variants of creatures in the normal game, while others are just reused models from previous games.
- Items & Magic: A Bethesda employee just changed the statistics and colour of an item and released it as new.
- NPCs: Bethesda decided that it was easier to reuse lines and voice actors rather than spend time or effort.
- Locations: All of the locations in Dawnguard are just places in the normal game that have been reused or rearranged.
- Quests: Rather than spend money hiring a good writer, Bethesda decided it would be less costly to bring in a 3 year old child of one of the employees and let him write the plot.
Tl;dr, Bethesda is fucking lazy.
Have you ever been adventuring, raiding a giant camp or embarking on an epic quest and said to yourself "Man, I wish I could raise a family and do some really boring shit"? Then you're in luck because the new Skyrim DLC is here! Hearthfire also known as Horse Armour 2.0 is Bethesda's new
money making scam DLC that has been released to their hordes of mindless retarded fanboys. The DLC features new, exciting content that adds such epic activities as collecting materials for next two weeks just so you can build a shitty virtual house(which you could've gotten completely free on the PC version.), preparing food and beating your adopted children. Asides the fact that Bethesda could have made DLC revolving around a new quest, fanboys still bought into to this shitty DLC as to show their loyalty to Bethesda.
Bethesda, in the middle of being orally pleasured by their asspie fans, realised that they needed to make more Jew Golds which caused the creation of their newest "expansion" for the game called "Dragonborn". The exciting and spectacularly written story starts when a group of cultists pop up and proclaim you are the "False" Dragonborn and must be eliminated. After face-fucking them with your sword, you force a captain to sail to Solstheim, an island all the Dunmer went after Red Mountain erupted and pwned all of Morrowind. Turns out some fag named Miraak (who was the first Dragonborn) is mind-raping the populous to worship his glowing green rock monoliths. Who really cares, though? Also, you get to tame Dragons now, which should have been in the game in the first place. You also get to visit the Daedric realm of Hermaeus Mora (appearing as a mass of eyes and/or tentacles showing they put as much effort into "new content" as niggers do to improve their homeland). The realm itself is filled with tentacled monsters which definitely don't resemble anything H.P. Lovecraft ever thought of. Oh and books, lots, and lots of books.
The DLC released on November 5, 2012 much to the delight of the armies of fantards. And of course, as is standard now with Bethesda, deepthroat Microsoft's massive cock when the expansion pack was available for purchase on the ShitBox 360 with the other two consoles either getting sloppy seconds or nothing.
New Added Content
- Creatures: Same as Dawnguard, Bethesda recycles other models from their games, slightly changes them and shoves them out for the retarded masses to play. There's little creativity beyond midgets throwing spears, pissed-off boars and dragons that look like flying penises.
- Items & Magic: Surprisingly enough, some Bethesda employees who weren't getting their asses pounded by Todd Howard actually managed to be productive and make some original content but doesn't offset the fact that the other 99.9% their game is complete and utter shit.
- NPCs: In the voice acting department, Bethesda repeats their ways of old by engaging in even more frivolous copypasta.
- Locations: Even more copypasta.
- Quests: Fuck Bethesda, are you even trying?
So far there have been only two notable memes generated from Skyrim. First there was the much less forced "FUS RO DAH", which involves people being pushed by a powerful, invisible force caused by shouting "FUS RO DAH" with the Skyrim trailer music in the background.
The second is the much forced "arrow in the knee" meme. How it originated is when you spoke to a guard, any guard, without fail, they would woefully tell you "I used to be an adventurer like you, then I took an arrow in the knee". It has now become a common practice to say "I used to be an __________, then I took an arrow in the knee" or some variant thereof. The common demographic for users of this meme are 14 year olds and you'll find at least one of these on every Youtube video there is, no exceptions.
|Gallery||About missing Pics|
- Bethesda Softworks
- The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind
- The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion
- EverQuest II
- I Took an Arrow in the Knee
- Lord of the Rings
- Official Bethsoft Forums
- PC Software issues forum Much drama here.
- Unofficial PC buglist Listing over 600 bugs and counting (compare that with the 15 bugs that were "fixed").
- The Future of Skyrim Gstaff, having unrealistic expectations about their fans "supporting them" anymore after all this shit they managed to produce.
- Skyrim Nexus Skyrim's modding community.
- The internet meme gets it own site, then I took a arrow to the knee
- A review consisting of 100% truth.
- - (Don't forget to spam the shit out of the channel)
|Featured article January 8th and 9th, 2012|
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Blood on the Dance Floor
|The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim|| Succeeded by|
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