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The inventors of the protocol
Telling his daughter to be quiet

SSH is a means of communicating securely between verified parties. It is mostly used for pedophiles to access their offshore data haven accounts and fap to CP. It is estimated that some 94% of internet users maintain hidden caches of incriminating evidence.



Shhhhhhhhh! As in: "Don't tell anyone about all my poorly-encoded RARz!"


SSH starts by comparing each other's fingerprints to known copies because as we know biometrics are hard to steal and can be easily revoked once stolen. After this, you deploy the SSH protocol in casual conversation to hide your sekkkrets like so:

 Prima: So about that drug smuggling/terrorist attack/illegal sex act we were planning...
 Secunda: SSH-1.0-DONGS
 Prima: What? Listen I really need some cash to get the weapons grade plutonium/hookers and blow.
 Secunda: SHH
 Prima: What are you not going to pay up? I'm gonna have to call Vinnie if so.

Secunda has thus successfully kept his secret sex/drugs/Jewish extremism addiction from his mother.


As we all know, Mike Sandy can hack the matrix and has this 0day ssh crc32 exploit. Analysis of the exploit code has revealed his technique:

 Prima: So about that drug smuggling/terrorist attack/illegal sex act we were planning...
 Secunda: SSH-1.0-DONGS
 Neo: Don't worry, I'm not listening.
 Secunda: Oh okay! Prima, I've got the money and silicone niggerdongs under my bed.

Uses of SSH and Shell Accounts

  • Transferring massive amounts of child porn
  • Saying "I want to kill the President"
  • Following the drama and lulz from text-based Citadel systems
  • Lurking on IRC
  • Trading nuclear secrets to Iran
  • Vandalizing TOW
  • Outing local gays

External Sites

Softwarez series.jpg

SSH is part of a series on


Visit the Softwarez Portal for complete coverage.

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