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Rick Sanchez

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Rick Sanchez emigrating to America

Rick "Dirty" Sanchez was a CNN 'newsman' who is best known for getting Tased so he could get a real gig at CNN. In 2010 he graduated from being a reporter in the field doing stupid shit like jumping into the middle of hurricanes to getting his own show called Rick's List where all he did was tweet, read twitter posts and rip-off Keith Olbermann's list of "The Worst Person In The World" with his own segment called "The List You Don't Want To Be On".

In October, 2010, Mr. Sanchez was shitcanned and removed from the Internets by the Sanhedrin after going on Sirius and calling Jon Stewart a bigot and saying that Jews control the media. This after being butthurt over Mr. Stewart's constant snipes at the self-procaimed King of Twitter.

Contents

Early Life

Rick Sanchez was born on a Cuban banana plantation in 1958. When he was young, Fidel Castro chucked a rock at his head while he was climbing a tree for bunch of bananas, causing Rick to fall and sustain permanent brain damage. He also worked as a truck driver briefly as a cover to smuggle illegal Cuban immigrants into America. His first trip was cut tragically short when he drove off a pier in Havana and his truck sunk to the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico. Unfortunately, he survived the event and was eventually deported to raise the collective IQ of his native country.

When his family came to America, Rick was forced to learn English by reading text messages off of the phones of wealthy Floridians that he had stolen, which is why a vast majority of his show consisted of repeating twatter messages he had received in a voice similar to that of a stroke victim on painkillers.

In the 1990's Sanchez landed a gig on WSVN Channel 7 (Faux) in Miami. He was the first in a long line of orange skinned Oompa Loompa reporters on WSVN. He was paid in rice, beans, and cigars.

Working at CNN

Give a fool enough rope and he'll hang himself.
Hi I'm Rick Sanchez, and I don't care that I'm fired cause I love cocaine!

Rick Sanchez is the dictionary definition of trying too hard. His rise at CNN began when he helped Larry King understand what a computer is while changing one of the elder host's diapers. Larry was so impressed with Rick's knowledge of technologies that he made sure Ted Turner gave him an important place at the company. Ever since, Americans have wondered how somebody far stupider than they are can be qualified to tell them what is going on in the world. Leading the charge to make fun of this twat was Jon Stewart, who had run out of retarded people to make fun of since George W. Bush left office. Here is a small sampling of the many times Jon Stewart made fun of Rick Sanchez over the years. He also wrote a book (entitled Conventional Idiocy: Why the New America Is Sick of Old Politics) that sold a grand total of 802 copies in its opening week.

The King of Twitter

Being such a self-styled expert in all things social media, Mr. Sanchez was asked (or begged) to be the host of the first annual "Shorty Awards" (the Oscars for twitter users) in 2009. This reporter can think of nothing else to write beyond the preceding sentence. It's just that...it speaks volumes about Rick Sanchez, twitter and all things social media. Here's the interview he gave CNN International about the whole shebangabang. He sounds like he was jerking himself off under the desk.

Rick was also forced to defend CNN's use of twitter after getting ridiculed by Jon Stewart.

Not Working at CNN

Rick finally got fed up with Jon Stewart calling him an assclown on an almost daily basis and unloaded on him on a radio talk show. He also took this opportunity to point out that both Stewart and Sanchez's bosses are a bunch of greedy liberal Jews, costing himself his job in the progress:

 
 
One of my best friends is Jewish!
 

 

—Sanchez

In retrospect, calling Ted Turner a member of the ZOG Machine might not have been a great move. He can now enjoy standing in the unemployment line while some Mexican takes his job.

It should be noted how much delicious irony there is in the fact that somebody who portrays himself as so media savvy - and especially NEW media savvy- would run his mouth on satellite radio like nobody was ever going to hear it and then tweet it all over the globe.

It should also be noted that before Mr. Sanchez's parents were forced to flee from Cuba in the '60s with only the clothes on their wet backs, that they were rich, elitist white Cubans who thrived under the U.S. backed Cuban dictator Fulgencio Batista's fascist regime at the expense of the minority black Cubans until Fidel Castro and Che booted their lilly white asses out of Havana.

Jon Stewart Responds

During Comedy Central's Night Of Too Many Stars benefit for autism the following evening, Mr. Stewart was quick to twist the knife in Ol' Dirty Sanchez's back.

 
 
Giving money is a great was to assuage a guilty conscience. If you work on Wall Street for example. But if you went on radio and said the Jews control the media...you may want to hold on to your money. But if he's right about the Jews, all he has to do is apologize to us, and we'll hire him back.
 

 

Jon Stewart

Rick Sanchez Apologizes...

...through his wife.

According to Mr. Dirty Sanchez's wife's Failbook status update, he has spoken to John Stewart and apologized. Jon Stewart called him thin skinned and couldn't help running a victory lap around the vanquished Sanchez on his Monday show following the shitstorm, comparing him to Steve Carell's character in The Office.

Meanwhile, Christopher Hitchens has thrown his 2¢ into the ring saying that Sanchez is 100% correct about Jews and should be reinstated.

 
 
The best way to demonstrate the hidden influence of the chosen people would be for Jon Stewart and others to join me in calling for Rick Sanchez's reinstatement. If it then didn't happen, it would help us understand who really pulls the strings around here.
 

 

—Hitchens

Rick Sanchez's Greatest Hits

OH-GAI-YAI-YAI-OH


Anderson Cooper enjoys the lulz of Rick Sanchez's career defining moment.

CNN guinea pig Rick Sanchez gets into a sinking car.

Previous Video  |  Next Video

It has been rumored that CNN repeatedly tried to kill off Rick Sanchez in the hopes that they could replace him with a normal, human being capable of actually reporting the news. Some of these attempts are documented above, but other cases exist that aren't as well documented on the interwebs. Examples include leaving Rick alone on top of a mountain like a member of a Uruguayan rugby team, and leaving Rick alone in a life raft in the middle of the ocean. CNN was running polls to determine what stupid stunt Rick would attempt next, only to have their problem solved by the evil leftard media. Telemundo is currently considering letting Rick taunt angry bulls as part of their sweeps week this coming season.

Rick's Greatest Misses B-Side

Mr. Sanchez is no stranger to foot in mouth disease:


He's the cotton pickin' President!

DISREGARD THAT

Rick welcomes you Black

Rick Sanchez is Teleprompter Challenged

...when you think of a volcano you think of Hawaii and long words like that

9 meters in English is you're dumb

And this is Hawaii?

Rick Sanchez Thinks 74 Dead In African Bombing Is Helpful

Rick Sanchez brings the HARD news on Marge Simpson in Playboy

Rick Sanchez meets Rick Sanchez

Previous Video  |  Next Video

Miscellany

Rick Sanchez vs. Lou Dobbs

Prior to getting his own show and Rick's List, back in 2007 Rick Sanchez got into it with CNN's token blowhard bigot Lou Dobbs, a tireless crusader against ILLEGAL Beaners. Every night, good ol' Lou would go on and on and on (and on) about how the waves of illegal Mexican aliens swarming to America from south of the border would be the death of the Great Satan. Finally, some programming genius figured out that throwing a former illegal immigrant into the lions den to be savagely mauled by King Lou would be great TV. Naturally, dumbass Rick played the victim complex card and went mano-a-mano with Mr. Dobbs about how he feels devalued by Lou and his ilk and pled for tolerance and civil discourse when it comes to nonexistant minorities along with bawwwing about how his hard put-upon illegal parents (Paco and Adella) had to service The Man working multiple jobs whilst neglecting to learn English to give young Ricardo a shot at getting fired for his English language skills.

Rick Sanchez vs. Pedestrians

Rick Sanchez is a major fan of American Handegg and never gets tired of telling everyone on TV about how fond he is of the NFL. Never. He used to spend about as much time talking about Handegg as he did about the real news. This explains a lot since extreme Handegg fanbois are complete morons. Mr. Sanchez and his love of man-on-man violence became such a running joke on CNN that even when Jon Stewart made fun of Sanchez's obsession it was already old meme at CNN. The moral of this story is DON'T MESS WITH FOOTBALL!!!

Rick Sanchez likes Handegg so much that he once killed someone over it. On December 10, 1990, Sanchez ran over a pedestrian with his car and left the scene. His victim was paralyzed and eventually died in a hospital on November 2, 1995. Mr. Sanchez had just left a game between his hometown Miami Dolphins and the Philadelphia Eagles when he pwned the dude. Breathalyzer test results determined that Dirty Sanchez’s blood alcohol level was 4 times above the legal limit. Somehow, this repressed minority figure skated on all the charges except for pleading no contest for DUI.

Rick Sanchez and Furries

In 1997 while working at WSVN-TV in Miami, Rick Sanchez was forced into teasing and introducing a story about furries.

See Also

External Links


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Featured article October 4, 2010
Preceded by
Andrew Shirvell Loves Chris Armstrong
Rick Sanchez Succeeded by
Daniel Woodward
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