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Puella Magi Madoka Magica

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Kyubey face.png
The face of evil.
An unedited picture of the Madoka Magica team.

Puella Magi Madoka Magica is an anime that tries to be different by being dark and mysterious thing by killing all the main characters at least 50 times in one episode and in bloodier and in more gory ways. Many weeaboo faggots believed this to be another Sailor Moon bootleg and were surprised that it was more like Death Note crossed with Cardcaptor Sakura, but with more weed-induced hallucinations from the Witch scenes, a spot of time travel, the end of the universe, and an emotionless cat which couldn't give two shits about humans. The weeaboos go on about how the "plot" is so deep and how sad it is, but all it really is is just Madoka crying over everything every 10 minutes. Basically, a rip off of Neon Genesis Evangelion.

This anime has been praised for being "original" and a "deconstruction of the magical girl genre", which isn't true since a billion other magical girl shows have been pulling the exact same shit for the past 20 years. Most of these people, of course, are necrophiliac basement-dwellers that have nothing better to do than watch anime, jerk off to dead girls, and talk about it with their fellow dwellers. The animu has become so popular that it has reached love pillow popularity. The last two episodes were delayed by the Tsunami that hit Japan in 2011, which caused a lot of Wapanese assholes to be butthurt and beg their higher power to let them see the epic finale in which the titular Mary Sue reaches Godhood by simply making a wish.

Contents

Plot

The show centers around a girl named Madoka, who thinks she isn't good at anything. She has a dream about an emo girl fighting a large, dark mass of evil and is told that the girl will not win the battle unless Madoka becomes a magical girl. Then she wakes up and goes to school. The same girl from her dream transfers into her school and kidnaps Madoka to spout some shit about not changing herself. Then a funny looking rat creature called Kyubey asks Madoka and her friend Sayaka to becomes magical girls, but the emo girl doesn't want this because she wants to protect Madoka. More characters are then introduced and the main cast increases from 2 to 5, then down to 4 after Mami gets her head bitten off, then 3 after Sayaka also turns emo and becomes a witch, then 2 after Kyouko becomes an hero, then only Madoka and her arse-buddy remain. Then it whacks right back up to 4 after Madoka finally asks Kyubey for something, but she wishes to become God and eradicate Magical girls from existence, thus eradicating witches and then the universe dies and comes back again, only this time nobody knows who the fuck Madoka is, witches don't exist anymore, and Kyubey still enlists their human help to kill demons, but doesn't farm them.

Characters

Madoka, about to get raped.
Fanart, but pretty much sums up Homura.
Sayaka, the emo.
Kyouko aways has something in her mouth.
Kyubey: You know, you can change all of this. All you have to do is make a contract with me and I'll make your wish come true.

Madoka Kaname

The character that the series is revolved around. She is a pink-haired loli who, despite bitching about how useless she is all throughout the show and watches her best friend turn into a witch, is always super-happy and has rainbows, sugar and kittens shooting out of every nook and cranny of her body. She doesn't become a magical girl until the very end of the series because she's "scared" and her arsebuddy Homura keeps stopping her. She is the most powerful magical girl in existence, because Homura fucked with her life in different timelines. She tends to cry a lot because her friends are dying one by one, but doesn't do shit about it and just goes a whines about to Homura instead, who comforts Madoka as she goes down on her.

She finally makes a contract with Kyubey in the final episode, but instead of Kyubey trolling the contractee as he usually does, she trolls him as she asks to become God to wipe out magical girls and witches from existence so she doesn't technically become a Magical girl herself. The universe then has to start over from the beginning, and the only ones who are even aware of her existence in the new universe is Homura and Madoka's little brother. Sayaka still dies in the new universe anyway, for some reason. Kyubey got you again, Madoka.

Homura Akemi

A time traveler from teh future but is also from the present and has lived the same month multiple times over because she's insanely gay for Madoka. She used to be a super shy moe girl with glasses and braids in her hair, then stalked Madoka after she talked to Homura once, and becomes a magical girl to save their unrequited love, after Madoka gets killed. Basically by the time the animu story has begun, she has lived the same month many times, all to save Madoka and her friends from dying. It's by this time that she becomes a KAWAII NA TSUNDERE DESU NE~!!! or in commontongue "an emotionless bitch who hides her feelings" who also knows the events of the entire month like the back of her hand but still manages to fuck things up from time to time.

She carries more firepower in her weird shield/time-stopping-clock thing than the entire US military, the Taliban, all of /k/ and those Columbine faggots put together, all without using a trenchcoat or having bigger than A-cup tits. Suck on that, Brady Campaign!

Sayaka Miki

Madoka's best friend that becomes a magical girl so the guy she likes can have full use of his right hand so he can play the violin again and finger her in the arse. Her magical powers grant her the ability to recover from injuries quickly, and wields a sword, but is a total noob and only manages to kill one witch and only after going completely batshit insane. She becomes an emo when her love interest starts ignoring her and goes for her friend Hitomi Shizuki instead, even though Hitomi gave Sayaka the chance to get in there first. Sayaka wimps out after she realises that she's no longer human and will never be able to touch him. She has low self-esteem because of this and eventually becomes Fergie Olver, forever doomed to prey and eventually rape the shattered hopes and dreams of pubescent young girls, and then becomes a witch. She gets killed by Kyouko after Kyouko realised that she wanted her minge.

After the universe has begun again, Sayaka is still dead for some reason.


Mami Tomoe

A blonde, large titted, lonely girl. She became an orphan after her parents died in a car crash and she was the only one left alive. Kyubey approached her and she contracted with him to save her own life, but didn't think that she could've just gotten him to call an ambulance instead. Her magical girl powers give her the ability to conjure up powerful one-shot rifle guns and massive overkill guns out of fucking nowhere and can tie things up with yellow ribbons, and she has large tits. She gets her head bitten off in episode 3 by a witch called Charlotte, but she keeps her large tits, and this made the series more popular for some reason (maybe due to the involvement of Japan's top two fetishes such as guro and thigh-high socks in the death), so there's nothing to lose your head over. Oh and she has large tits.

Japanese and weaboos love to fap to her death scene.

She comes back to life after the universe begins again, as Charlotte never existed so she didn't die. Or some shit. Either way she can now give head again.

Kyouko Sakura

A redhead, badass girl, who on her first appearance wanted to kill Sayaka for being a noob. She cools her shit when they all discover that being a magical girl means that they're all essentially dead because their souls are in their Soul gems, although the hint should be in the name. Sometime later she tells her life story to Sayaka in an attempt to get in Sayaka's panties and so they can proceed to scissoring each other in the decrepit church that her dad owned, but fails. Her dad was a priest who preached religious shit that nobody gave cared about, which didn't bring in any money so they couldn't eat. She became a magical girl so people would listen to her father, but he got into a hissy at her and then got drunk and killer their entire family (except for Kyouko), so then she decided her powers were only to be used for herself, so she doesn't give a fuck if her enemies kill people. It's also why she's always seen with more food than a fat lonely girl's club but for some reason never gains any weight. After Sayaka becomes a witch, Kyouko then feels sorry for her and kills herself for the bitch, which led to a shitload of lesbian fan art depicting Kyouko giving it to Sayaka in the ass.

As expected, she's alive after the universe starts again.

Kyubey

A genderless alien which looks like a cat, that turns little girls into magical girls to fight witches. His hobbies include stalking girls and making contracts with them, granting their wishes but their wishes aren't quite what they always want, and in turn ripping out their souls and placing it into a gem, then explaining thermodynamics and the end of universe. He's made magical girls of many famous women who were feminists such as Cleopatra, Anne Frank, Rebecca Black, Justin Bieber, Joan of Arc, and some Japanese pubescent weeaboos. He cannot be killed, as his species specializes in respawning instantly and self-cannibalism. He is the reason why you should never listen to a cat if one ever starts speaking to you.

After the universe is reborn, he's no longer farming humans to stop the end of the universe. Instead, he's assisting Homura in killing demons (which came out of fucking nowhere) instead while Homura tells him about what happened in the previous universe and why she hated him so much. He thinks she's joking. Since he's no longer farming humans, Homura stops killing him. In fact, the two become best friends and rape each other at night.


Minor characters

  • Kyousuke Kamijo - Some faggot that spends his time crying in his bed because he can no longer masturbate since his fingers are paralyzed. Sayaka wishes to heal his hands so that he can shove his violin stick up her pubescent, underdeveloped minge once more. He thanks her for buying him rare CDs by throwing a tantrum and smashing the music player. After she heals his fingers, he thanks her by ignoring her and going off to have a one night stand with Hitomi instead.
  • Hitomi Shizuki - Stuck-up bitch who gives Sayaka the chance to get in with her love interest, but Sayaka wimps out so she takes him instead. She only has about a minute of importance in the whole series and nobody really cares about her.
  • Tomohisa Kaname - Madoka's stay-at-home dad. Gives her information about her mother from time to time, but not much else.
  • Junko Kaname - Madoka's busybody businesswoman mother. Gives Madoka cryptic advice about wishes, but not much else.

Witches

Witches are Magical girls whose souls have all turned emo and are essentially the living dead. They all live in their own dimension within the immediate area where they're found in, inside "barriers". The witch inside the barrier has their own minions and each witch can use familiars to do their bidding, and the familiars can eventually grow into clones of the witch. Hooray! Every witch scene is trippy as fuck and it makes you feel as if the writers were high when they thought of the idea, and even higher when making them.

  • Gertrud - A witch obsessed with roses and butterflies. Lolwut?
  • Charlotte - A witch that bites off Mami's head, who then gets buttfucked by Homura. The fans and the Japanese fap to the scene where Charlotte bites off Mami's head. She gets praise for making them cum buckets. She also lives in a dimension full of delicious cake.
  • Elly (Aka H.N Elly) - A basement-dwelling witch that lives in a dimension of television. Her nature is to watch hentai all day long while masturbating with pocky sticks and dry ramen.
  • Oktavia von Seckendorff - Sayaka's witch form, which actually looks pretty cool. Looks like a weird 50's cartoon cross between Minnie Mouse, and a mermaid wearing tacky blue armour, which makes no sense at all. Seems to be obsessed with the music that Kyousuke, her love interest, played.
  • Izabel-Teh - Obsessed with art.
  • Patrica - Japanese slutty schoolgirl witch who lives on clothes lines and has her arms come out of her skirt. Her vagina is a black hole and gets buttfucked by Homura in one of the 4 timelines she appears in.
  • Roberta - The slutty alcoholic witch. If she were a woman, every man would whip out their cocks to fuck her. All there is of her is a torso and legs. And she's in a cage. A winrar is you.
  • Kriemhild Gretchen - Madoka's witch. "Will die peacefully the day that the universe has become heaven", apparently. Becomes the size of a speeding comet in Episode 12 but gets destroyed by "Goddess" Madoka, essentially killing herself but staying alive. The fuck?
  • Walpurgis Night - Nobody knows its real name, so they gave it a nickname, how cute. It's the only witch that doesn't live in its own barrier, as Walpurgis is the strongest witch ever, and its weapons are buildings and dead pubescent magical girls. She cannot be defeated, but if you do defeat her, you're basically fucked. You become the next Walpurgis. Enjoy your beautiful world, you're about to destroy it.

Morning Rescue

Throughout the animu, a commercial for an energy drink called "Morning Rescue" aired between breaks, because whoever the fuck was recording the episodes didn't bother to fucking stop recording. This started a mini meme among animu fanboys by saying "(insert character name here) needs a Morning Rescue." Like all memes, of course, this one became ridicuously overused. However, since all fanboys are retarded, they have the habit of misspelling it as "Morning Lescue," thus showing that if you watch anime, you are considerably more stupid than the average person.

Interestingly enough, the commercial is far more interesting than the actual show.

Morning Rescue Commercial


Testimonials From the Wapanese

 
 
I am the juice of my acid.

SHAFT is my body, and drugs are my blood. I have created over a thousand seizures. Unknown to DVD sales. Nor known to stream on time. Have withstood food to create many anime. Yet, those hands will never hold money. So as I pray, “UNLIMITED SHAFT WORKS”
 


 

—Some fanboy on crack

 
 
Don't be shocked from the first impression. The anime isn't what he may look like the first time you see it.
 

 

—Anonymous

 
 
One of the most compelling and interesting stories I have ever experienced in anime.
 

 

—Another Otaku fan

 
 
Mahou Shoujo Madoka?Magica wants be an outstanding show, something that wasn't delivered before, but fails at this feat in pretty much all departments of animation.
 

 

—A basement-dweller telling the truth.

 
 
As of now, this show that has been practically hyped to the moon. I'm sure you're wondering, "What is all this hype about?" Most people will tell you that it's different, original, a breathe of fresh air in this industry, or something similar. Well, I hate to break it to you, but it's not. The hype isn't justified, to say the least. It's just the newest grimdark on the block, and these shows will always gets hyped beyond belief.
 

 

—Another Wapanese with truth in his hands.

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