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Portal

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This is an article about the game Portal. Maybe you were looking for Wiki portals?

Another delicious cake.jpg I've experiments to run

There is research to be done
On the people who are
Still alive

SupermanPortals.jpg
There WILL be cake!

Portal is a game set in the Half-Life universe, and is almost as enjoyable as Battletoads, as you cannot go five minutes on /b/ or /v/ without seeing that goddamn Companion Cube. The game centers around Chell, a Rich and Beautiful Asian woman trapped in the Aperture Science Enrichment Center, most likely because she refused to make her faithful husband, Gordon Freeman, a turkey and ham sammich. She's then given the ability to bend the space-time continuum, and decides to GTFO. There is clear evidence that at least one of the developers of the game is a /b/tard, as the entire game is basically the most complex and kick-ass delicious cake puzzle, as often found on /b/. The game's ending was pretty frustrating to some... just lying there half-dead, seeing your nemesis' parts falling from the sky... with the screen turning black. Although the ending song clearly states that GLaDOS was still alive by the ending of the game, some fans went on to create their own theories for what happened to her and what would be her future.

UPDATE: The ending of the game has been updated so players won't get all butthurt over a frustrating fade-to-black ending. The escort bot drags you away but not before relaying you these words: Thank you for assuming the Party Escort Submission Position.

 
 
I have your brain scanned and permanently backed up in case something terrible happens... which it's just about to. Don't believe me? Here, I'll put you on. You: Hello! That's you. That's how dumb you sound! You've been wrong about every single thing you've ever done, including this thing! You're not smart! You're not a scientist! You're not a doctor! You're not even a full-time employee! Where did your life go so wrong?
 

 

—GLaDOS, bashing <subject name here>.

Portal 2: Electric Boogaloo

Test chambers are for fags!

Recently shat forth from the bloodied anus of Valve, 'Portal 2 - Electric Boogaloo' is the craptastic sequel to Portal eagerly awaited by precisely nobody. Its creators have stated that it takes place hundreds of years after the events of Portal, after a lulzy, animu-tastic timeskip. The plot basically unwinds as follows: Some talking eye robot named Wheatley wakes you out of your cryogenically induced sleep as he was tired of fucking your lifeless, frozen ass. You do some tests, GLaDOS wakes up and makes you do more tests, Wheatley helps you escape but then yells FYIAD and turns evil, before dumping you into a bottomless pit. You then find GLaDOS, whom Wheatley has inexplicably turned into a potato. She then gets kidnapped by a bird, you do some more tests, you find GLaDOS, she tells you Wheatley is about to blow up the place, you do some MORE FUCKING TESTS, you find Wheatley and, in a surprising and totally original twist, he makes you do more tests. You then kill him by doing the exact process of the battle in the first goddamn game in reverse and teleporting his faggotty British ass to the moon. But before you have a chance to yell 'FUKKEN PWNT' down your shitty exbawks headset, GLaDOS tells you to get the hell out and fires you up to the surface, along with the Companion Cube you burned in the first game. I'm not fucking kidding. It also features Co-Op mode, where you can help your friends by controlling one of the following fucking awesome robots: A modified core and a modified turret (Each containing its own 2 portals! Blue/Teal {Core} and Orange/Red {Turret}).

There's a continuity flaw: At the end of Portal, you're outside of Aperture Laboratories with GLaDOS' parts scattered around. However, in Portal 2 you can clearly see that GLaDOS is back into her own arena, only the place got nature-infested. She also got some updates to her model, which makes us believe that something took her back to her arena and repaired her.

Additionally, players who bothered putting money into this shit ahead of time got an awesome item in everyone's favorite online hat simulator.


 
 
Oh... it's you. It's been a Long time. How have you been? I've been really busy being dead... you know. After you MURDERED ME! Ok, look. We both said a lot of things that you are going to regret... but I think we can put our differences behind us... for science... you monster!
 

 

—GLaDOS, needing some PreparationH.


Jounalism at it's best.

Portal: The Flash Version

For people too poor to afford a gaming PC, Playstation 3, or an Xbox 360, or for people who are too Jew to spend $20 fucking dollars on Valve's Orange Box (and were too fucktarded to snag it while it was FREE), there's an unofficial flash version which is about a hundred times more boring than the original, and completely lacks GLaDOS' commentary and any traces of dark humor. Because of this game, and because of how easy it is to make screenshots, forums were packed with solution requests upon its release, because some people like the gratification of solving puzzles without doing any of the actual puzzle solving. The only people who request solutions now are slowpokes who deserve to be ignored. If you want to, for whatever reason, you can buy the 3D game off Steam's website for $20. The Flash version has everything you could want, except with fewer "Cake is a lie" Easter eggs. Or you can pirate it, Demonoid is your friend. For increased faggotry, its levels have been ported into the original game being titled Portal: Still Alive. It IS endorsed by Valve, being the maps uploaded onto the game itself.

Portal Prelude

Some nerd fanboy decided to create some maps and saw it was good. Then he decided to write a story about it. It fits just before the events that happened in Portal. You play as a woman (but not Chell!) and you must endure fucking complex tests forced onto you by humans (not GLaDOS this time). When you reach the end of the game, GLaDOS goes Batshit Insane once turned on and kills everyone. Making an escape, you encounter a cloning station where you can see other clones of yourself, get butthurt and confront GLaDOS. In the endgame you insert the Morality Core in GLaDOS and she starts flooding everything with neurotoxin. You blank out and the last thing you see is Chell dragging you somewhere.

Portal: as Described by Pretentious Feminazis

Bet you never saw that before

When the idiots at some shitty website were hired to write an article about Portal, rather than do an actual review (Here's the actual review, as written by GamesRadar), they decided to over-analyze and, in some cases, completely make shit up to discuss why the first person shooter was not only revolutionary to gaming, but to feminazi society. In response, some /b/tards completely ignorant of the fact that this is a satirical article got butthurt. Feminists, more aptly known as feminazis, are bat-shit insane, bra-burning cunts who believe men are the reason for everything that is wrong with the world, and would like to have everyone with a penis killed or enslaved forever. As this particular feminazi, Joe McNeilly, illustrates, their ranks do contain the occasional "male" (to use the word in its loosest possible sense). There is an off chance that Joe is just a dude who only wrote this to reap his $20 interweb salary and maybe impress some liberal arts student. However, the sheer magnitude of feminist drivel contained in the article suggests Joe is actually a true believer.

 
 
Warning: The text you are about to read contains heady intellectual discourse and is not recommended for anyone made queasy by the discussion of feminist film theory or psychoanalytical signifiers.
 

 

—Joe McNeilly, warning idiots of his superior genius.

Why would someone do this?

Joey argues that Portal is "a feminist critique of the first person shooter," and thereafter, he breaks out the ol' thesaurus and starts firing off loads of SAT-worthy words, machine-gun style. The gist of what he says is that the mainstream, retarded, male-oriented first person shooters, such as Call of Duty 4, are all grotesquely violent examples of militarism, and because men don't have the superior intellect of women, we solve our problems by mindlessly pumping each other full of lead and blowing up buildings - you know, the cool way of solving problems. Usually in first person shooters, the guns are all phallic symbols of masculinity, but the weapon in Portal is a vagina-cannon that shoots metaphysical vaginas and rainbows to outwit masculine enemies. Joey also says the sentries have "boyish voices," despite being voiced by Ellen McLain, and sounding like genderless babies. Nevertheless, these CLEARLY MASCULINE turrets try to deceive Chell with friendly chatter and then brutally murder her; because men are evil and enjoy deceiving and killing defenseless, intelligent women.

 
 
The power of the feminine overcomes aggression without the use of force.
 

 

—Joe McNeilly, after bashing a turret's CPU in with a block and dumping it several stories down into a vat of acid.

The ultimate gift for faminazi dykes.

The straw that broke the camel's back was when Joey started hating on the Weighted Companion Cube's blatant masculinity. Branding the Companion Cube as a burdensome anchor that slows down Chell's revolutionary breakout, Joey is clearly one of the idiots who completely missed the point of the Cube's awesomeness. Making shit up, he says "GLaDOS encourages Chell to develop emotional attachment to the Cube" even though GLaDOS says the exact opposite, and the developer's commentary claims you're supposed to avenge the Companion Cube's death by giving GLaDOS the same fiery fate. Oh yeah, and GLaDOS is man's attempt at the perfect mother figure wrought from cold, hard science. In the first published draft of the essay, Joe made up more shit, claiming that GLaDOS called the WCC a "he," but when readers called him on his bullshit, he removed it. Unfortunately, the rest of the essay is still intact. It's also worth noting that during development, the Weighted Companion Cube was the generic weighted cube found in other levels. The level was originally titled "The Cube Run," and it didn't have any mention of the lovable, life saving box or any euthanasia awaiting it at the end. It was not until testing, in which the majority of testers left the stupid cube behind, that Valve decided to stick a heart on it and have GLaDOS talk about it the whole time.

Above: A generic FPS. Below: women walk through wall vaginas. (Note, in the Half-Life universe, aliens dominate society)


 
 
Ultimately, Chell incinerates the Weighted Companion Cube, symbolizing a mental unburdening from the need for approval from a father figure.
 

 

—Joe McNeilly, making perfect sense.

It's particularly hilarious how all the dorks who claim things like Doom, which is based around saving the universe from demons and Hell, are masculine/anti-woman/patriarchal while they all seem to ignore Metroid and its main character Samus Aran, who is a chick that is trying to save the universe from Space Pirates and parasitic vampire bowling balls. Same shit, different gender. Of course, Mr. McNeilly sees the completely fucking genderless and inanimate Companion Cube as a CLEARLY MASCULINE father figure who only burdens Chell and slows her down, so the feminist tendency to grossly overthink things and find a bunch of bullshit symbolism in something as dull and plain as a metal box with a heart on it is a clear sign of extreme mental instability. The same dumbass would probably see Samus Aran's metal powersuit as some kind of manly oppressive device designed by a patriarchal regime to hide Samus' feminine titties and vajayjay and suffocate her blooming womanhood through a symbolic steel shell/prison with a phallic laser cannon, despite the fact that it was created by birds (fun fact: the birds probably WERE a patriarchal regime). And of course, it's completely unobvious that Samus is a chick, even though in Metroid Prime you can see a clearly feminine set of eyes through her visor and you hear a chick grunt in pain when you get hit and all the Pirate data and Chozo data that you find refers to you as a "she".

"The cake is a lie"

Shortly after the game was released, about twenty million brain-starved wannabe-hipster gamers started spamming the shit out of Portal references practically everywhere even vaguely associated with geek culture. Along with "Still Alive" and the Companion Cube, this resulted in one of the most gratingly awful catch phrases ever to take a giant shit across the internet: "the cake is a lie".

Yes, we know: the cake is a fucking lie. We've all heard it about four hundred billion times. The joke is so thoroughly dead, it actually kills lulz every time it's repeated. Even Valve is sick of your shit.

YOU ARE NOT FUNNY
YOU ARE NOT FUNNY
YOU ARE NOT FUNNY
YOU ARE NOT FUNNY
YOU ARE NOT FUNNY
YOU ARE NOT FUNNY
YOU ARE NOT FUNNY

GLaDOSaMa BIN LaDIN

Osamas body.jpg

This was a triumph.

I'm making a note here: HUGE SUCCESS.

It's hard to overstate my satisfaction.

Al Quaeda Terror...

We kill who we must, because, we can.

For the good of all of us,

Except the ones who we killed.

But there's no sense crying over every mistake.

You just keep on trying tll you run out of planes.

And the terror gets done.

And you shoot a neat gun.

At the people who are still alive.

I'm not even angry.

I'm being so sincere right now.

Even though you broke my heart,

and killed me.

And tore me to pieces.

And threw every piece into the ocean.

As they sank it hurt, because I was so happy for you!

Now these new recruits make a beautiful line.

And we're out of the mountains,

We're releasing on time.

So I'm GLaD I got shot,

think of all the planes we got,

for the people who are still alive.

Go ahead and leave me.

I think I prefer to stay inside.

Maybe you'll find someone else to help you.

Maybe Black Water.

THAT WAS A JOKE. HAHA. FAT CHANCE.

Anyways, these virgins are great,

they're so delicious and moist.

Look at me still talking

when there's terror to do,

When I look out there, it makes me GLaD I'm not you.

I've suicide bombing to run,

there is killing to be done,

to the people who are still alive.

And believe me I am still alive.

I'm doing terror and I'm still alive.

I feel FANTASTIC and I'm still alive.

While you're dying I'll be still alive.

And when you're dead I will be still alive.

STILL ALIVE.

STILL ALIVE.

The Copypasta

I went on a second date with a chick I really liked tonight. At the end of the date, I didn’t take any chance I had to kiss her. So we were driving back home in separate cars (she lives close to me, but she was came from a friends house to meet me at the restaurant) I realized that I was a dumb ass for not taking the chance. I decided to make a chance and be really spontaneous. I was going to race ahead to her house, wait for her drive up, run out of the car and kiss her. So I pull the corner to see her house and SHE THOUGHT WITH PORTALS! She was already there, out of the car, and the garage door was closing! Despite me being ahead of her the whole time!

So I ask, /b/, how do -I- think with portals?

Copypasta: Female FPS

Reasons why Portal is the female version of an FPS:
1. The main character is female.
2. The main villain is female.
3. Your only weapon is a gun that shoots...VAGINAs--I mean, space-time tunnel apertures.
4. The game is based around evasion and manipulation instead of confrontation and domination.
5. The turrets. They are the exact opposite of a parody of everything women supposedly hate about regular shooting games. Violence, profanity, blood, evil symbolism, chauvinism...the turrets are always polite and apologize even if you kill them. Because everyone is nice in a woman's world.
6. Just like actual women, the main villain (GLaDOS) is actually powerless to physically do anything to you. The only weapon GLaDOS has is emotional manipulation. Just like women.
7. The company is called Aperture Science and women have an aperture between their legs.
8. The game starts and ends with a cute song instead of a bunch of dead people.
9. The game promises you a reward at the end if you jump through a lot of hoops, and it turns out to be a GREAT BIG FUCKING LIE, YOU STUPID WHORE YOU FUCKING USED ME, ROT IN HELL YOU WORTHLESS CUNT, women have been known to stereotypically act in this manner.
Finally...
10. Your only weapon is a gun that shoots VAGINAs.

Copypasta: Habbo Hotel

Mancube.jpg
IRL Portal only exists with MSPaint.
The copypasta.
Glados Edition

Previous Video  |  Next Video


Anon is legion.

We closed every pool here: DUE TO AIDS

It's hard to overstate this damn infection.

Nigras of EBAUMS.

We do what we must for epic lulz.

For the good of all of us except for those racist mods.

But there's no use trying to resist our pool raids.

You'll just keep on crying till you sink and get AIDS.

And the /b/locking gets done.

And we make a neat run.

From the people who are still online.


I'm not even trolling.

I'm being so helpful right now.

Even though you shouted at and B& me.

And blocked all my IPs.

And extended it. To last. For life.

As they b& I lol'd because I'm spamming DESU at you.

Now these n00bs on HABBO make a target just fine.

So we called for /b/lackup till we got them online.

So I'm glad I got B&.

LOL Catnarok is at hand.

For the people who are still online.


Go ahead and ban me.

I think I will need the un-B& guide.

Maybe you'll find some /b/lackup to help you

Maybe on 4chan? That was a joke HA!HA! Fat chance.

Anyway, this raid is great, It's full of epic and win.

Look at me, still /b/locking when we need moar DESU,

But anon is legion and we're better than you.

When you see the mods run

There is /b/locking to be done.

'Gainst the people who are still online.


And believe me they are still online.

They're banning /b/rothers and they're still online.

They're being RACIST and they're still online.

While you're blogging I'll be still online.

And when they fail I will be still online.

Still online.

Still online.

Remember the time?

GLaDOS is also a member of Anonymous.

Previous Video  |  Next Video

 
 
There was even going to be a party for you. A big party that all your friends were invited to. I invited your best friend companion cube. Of course, he couldn't come because you murdered him. All your other friends couldn't come either because you don't have any other friends. Because of how unlikable you are. It says so right here in your personnel file. 'Unlikable. Liked by no one. A bitter, unlikable loner whose passing shall not be mourned. SHALL NOT BE MOURNED.' That's exactly what it says. Very formal. Very official. It also says you were adopted, so that's funny too.
 

 

—GLaDOS.

 
 
Didn't we have some fun, though? Remember when the platform was sliding into the fire pit, and I said 'Goodbye', and you were like, 'No way', and then I was all, 'We pretended we were going to murder you'. That was great.
 

 

—GLaDOS.

 
 
You, <subject name here> must be the pride of <subject hometown here>.
 

 

—GLaDOS.

 
 
Ah! you think you're doing some damage? Two plus two is......... TEN. IN BASE FOUR, I'M FINE!
 

 

—GLaDOS.

Previous Quote | Next Quote

The cake isn't a lie?

Here's a troll video showing an "Easter Egg/glitch" in the game that allows you to not only get some delicious cake, but also to save your beloved companion cube and wander around outside the Aperture Science facility.

If you actually believe this shit actually works, you are incredibly smart and have a life.

But do not fret for yourself having no life - Portal speedrunners have managed to get to the cake after discovering every single error in the engine of the game, which, it turns out, is not a lie.

Not a REAL easter egg but... yeah.
Gettin' there
Thank you for assuming the Party Escort Submission Position.
Warning, Aperture Science urges you to stop fueling your
paranoia, as delusions involving the Companion Cube are not
a part of this test.

Previous Video  |  Next Video

Now, there are lots of cake recipes out there, but if you want to make a true and original cake, you have to use the ingredients listed in the game. Just hearing the list of ingredients means this is either a very big cake or it's intended to clog arteries. They don't give any directions, so you're on your own there. But here is the transcribed list:

1 18.25oz package chocolate cake mix
1 can prepared coconut pecan frosting
3/4 cup vegetable oil
4 large eggs
1 cup semisweet chocolate chips
3/4 cup butter or margarine
1 2/3 granulated sugar
2 cups all-purpose flour
Don't forget garnishes such as: 
Fish-head crackers [they can't say "Goldfish" because it's trademarked]
Fish-shaped candies [again, trademark. They can't say Swedish Fish.]
Fish-shaped solid waste
Fish-shaped dirt
Fish-shaped ethylbenzene [that means styrofoam]
Pulled and peeled licorice
Fish-shaped volatile organic compounds and sediment-shaped sediment
Candy coated peanut butter pieces [once again, trademark. They can't say Reese's Pieces], shaped like fish
1 cup lemon juice
Alpha resins (???)
Unsaturated polyester resins [the stuff they use to make fiberglass boats]
Fiberglass surface resins and volatile malted milk impoundments
9 large egg yolks
12 medium geosynthetic membranes
1 cup granulated sugar [that's what they said]
An entry called "How to Kill Someone with Your Bare Hands"
2 cups rhubarb, sliced
2/3 cup granulated rhubarb
1 tablespoon all-purpose rhubarb
1 teaspoon grated orange rhubarb [No, that's not a typo. That's what she said]
3 tablespoons rhubarb on fire
1 large rhubarb
1 cross-borehole electromagnetic imaging rhubarb [A rhubarb/MRI machine?]
2 tablespoons rhubarb juice
Adjustable aluminum head positioner
Slaughter electric needle injector [Again, not a typo]
Cordless electric needle injector
Injector-needle driver
Injector-needle gun
Cranial caps
And it contains proven preservatives, [[Dildo|deep penetration agents]], and [[Holocaust|gas]] and odor control chemicals that will deodorize and preserve putrid tissue. [So basically, formaldehyde]

OH COME ON

The dyke is awry.

Of course, despite how great Portal may have been to the masses, sooner or later it was bound to fall prey (lol) to furfags across the planet, who managed to find something sexual in a game that contains only a box, security cameras, and a gun in empty grey rooms. Armed with the ability to mercilessly rip apart anything remotely resembling humor and twist it into some disappointing puddle of furshampoo and fail, furfags have beaten and raped Portal more than a red-headed stepchild.

Other than the inevitable shitfest of furry art , furfags have managed to somehow take the Portal ending song and twist it into some retarded song about furry conventions, yiff, CSI, and other assorted faggotry.

Note the number of furfags jumping aboard the failboat, penises in hand, howling (or whatever the fuck it is furfags do) about OMGZ LOL U R SO AWESUM, perhaps with a bastardized Portal quote mismashed to resemble the furry fandom. Some responses were dumb, however, most were retarded or just trying way too hard. Or moving from animals to robots.

The feeling is mutual!
Why do they even try? What compels them to?!
Remember when you were going over Anthrocon and we said:
"Yiff in hell, furfag!" and you were like: "Fursecution!" and
then we were all: "You have been trolled!" That was great...
Fail.
Too bad it's a lie...
From the same furfag: Did it quit?

Previous Video  |  Next Video

Because "WHEN I WAS" wasn't impossible enough to combo

This song makes gamers cum all over the place.

This Was A Triumph
I'm Making A Note Here:
HUGE SUCCESS
It's hard to overstate
my satisfaction.
Aperture Science
We do what we must
because we can.
For the good of all of us.
Except the ones who are dead.

But there's no sense crying
over every mistake.
You just keep on trying
till you run out of cake.
And the Science gets done.
And you make a neat gun.
For the people who are
Still alive.

I'm not even angry.
I'm being so sincere right now.
Even though you broke my heart.
And killed me.
And tore me to pieces.
And threw every piece into a fire.
As they burned it hurt because
I was so happy for you!
Now these points of data
make a beautiful line.
And we're out of beta.
We're releasing on time.
So I'm GLaD. I got burned.
Think of all the things we learned
for the people who are
still alive.

Go ahead and leave me.
I think I prefer to stay inside.
Maybe you'll find someone else
to help you.
Maybe Black Mesa. . .
THAT WAS A JOKE. HA HA. FAT CHANCE.
Anyway. this cake is great.
It's so delicious and moist.
Look at me still talking
When there's science to do.
When I look out there,
it makes me GLaD I'm not you.
I've experiments to run.
There is research to be done.
On the people who are
still alive.

And believe me I am still alive.

I'm doing Science and I'm still alive.

I feel FANTASTIC and I'm still alive.

While you're dying I'll be still alive.

And when you're dead I will be still alive.

STILL ALIVE

Other Videos

The cube is not that friendly.
GLaDOS have found a new piece of tech to possess.

Previous Video  |  Next Video


The Companion Cube

ALL GLORY TO THE COMPANION CUBE
ALL GLORY TO THE COMPANION CUBE

Concentrated awesome in a box, what more could you want, you greedy fucking bastard! Sadly in the game you act like a dumbass and listen to the robotic cunt, slowly burning it to death afterwards. But WAIT! It returns in the end of Portal 2! OMFG it was fireproof all this time!11!1oneoneone

Most fanboys and fangirls alike cum in their pants just at the slightest mention of it's name.

Now You Are Thinking With Portals

Portal Gallery About missing Pics

See Also

External Links

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