From Encyclopedia Dramatica
| This article is TL;DR.|
You can help by editing this page and removing the large blocks of boring text.
See the style guide for more information.
Pokémon is a game/tv show about Ash Ketchum and his collection of horribly mutated creatures from the underworld. It was created at least 100 years ago in the magical land of Japan. Ash is an avid pedophile and loves nothing more than meeting young children at gyms for the sole purpose of releasing small creatures from their balls. Pikachu is Ash's favorite godless heathen; he is a dirty rat that Ash dipped in yellow paint whilst he was masturbating over Professor Oak's young, firm ass. The paint had an unfortunate effect on Pikachu who is now severely mentally retarded but he some how gained the ability to harness electricity after he failed to kill himself in the 'power line incident' in Pewter City. Pikachu says "Pika" all the time because it turns Ash on when he rapes him and Ash said he'd find Pikachu's family and sell them to Brock, who also loves to fuck Pokémon.
The final nail in the coffin of Pokémon's popularity is the fact that wikipedophiles place articles about them on the front page (for example, here), and that all the original voice actors of the anime have been fired. Nothing of value was lost.
Pokemon or Pokémon?
Pokémon is the 'correct' spelling, but NOBODY HAS AN É (E with an accent) KEY ON THEIR KEYBOARD. Most people resort to writing pokemon, but this is in fact racist, because incorrectly spelling made up foreign words is more racist than making a creature with blackface and keeping it trapped in a Poké Ball.
For instructions on how to write Pokémon correctly, see The Other Wiki: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/%C3%89#Character_mappings
Contrariwise, you can simply refer to it as Pokuman or Pokumans, which will enrage yer average Generation Barney reject into spastic fits of epic pants shitting rage, much to the entertainment and delight of everyone else.
Note that, although Nintendo claims to sell several versions of each game, each game adds better graphics, the old main character is killed off and replaced, and new Pokémon and attacks are unveiled, but never actually evolves the gameplay or plot in the slightest. This cycle would repeat several times over in subsequent games, and it is all a ploy to sell more cartridges, link cables, and wireless adapters. As a result, Pokémon gets worse and worse with each new game released.
The original games are actually pretty good. That is, if you like shitty graphics and extreme glitchiness. It was created by an otaku who enjoyed collecting bugs. The true object of the game is to enslave the in-game creatures found in grass, caves and water called "Pokémon", then raise them by making them kill other Pokémon. Once you have enough power level, you can then use them to buttfuck 8 gym leaders for special badges to increase your stats when your Pokémon levels up and the ability to use a HM move needed to advance to the next stage, and eventually to defeat the Elite Four, four Pokénerds with the strongest Pokémans in the game. Doing so allows access to Cerulean Cave, a cave where Mewtwo, the ultimate Pokégod of the game, resides. Team Rocket appears a few times throughout the game to hinder your progress: first digging for Fossils in Mt Moon, then in Celadon conspiring to take over the world by killing Cubone's mother (which subsequent Pokédex entries never shut the fuck up about), and finally taking over Silph Co where they try to tie the chairman up and forcing him to give them his Master Balls.
As a side quest no-one cares about, you can also catch all 150 Pokémon in the game. 151 if you include Mew. To do that, you can use cheats or you can be really boring and actually own all three games in the series, and trade for Pokémans you can't get in that particular game, the selling point for the Pokémon franchise and one which would continue to be used in future games over a decade later. In Pokémon also exists PokéGods among PokéPeasents, like Zapdos and Mewtwo, which are much stronger than regular Pokémon because they've been Digivolved to the final level. When you encounter one and you defeat it, it dies. Never to return.
In Pokémon Yellow, you start out with a Pikachu you can't evolve, which was fucking useless if it didn't know Surf and even then that's only to play a shitty "Surfing Pikachu" minigame. Pikachu can't be encountered in the wild and if you try to catch more than one through cheat or trading, the game fucks around thinking both are the Pikachu you started with, so you can't release or evolve either of them. Jessie and James appears in place of generic Rocket Grunts along with Ekans, Koffing and Meowth, because Yellow was following the anime at the time. Your rival starts out with an Eevee instead of your Pokémon's weakness, which he evolves depending on how many times you win or lose against him. You can also obtain all three of the games' starters from random NPCs just after getting your third badge. Otherwise, Yellow is exactly the same as Red and Blue with improved artwork, but the backsprites still look as shit as ever.
Fun fact: In Red and Blue, there was a secret cheat you could get to catch a character called "MissingNo.", a glitch in the gameplay, allowing you to clone the sixth items in your inventory and encounter Pokémon with max power levels, depending on what you called your character. Doing this eventually fucks up your game save, but not until you divide by 0. If you use your Nintendo Game Boy connect cable to trade these glitch Pokémon with your best friend, it will appear as a regular Pokémon, but be deemed "abnormal".
Gold, Silver and Crystal
Quite literally exact copies of the original games, only it takes place 2 years after the events of Red, Blue and Yellow and the trio of games is listed under the "second generation". Like the original games, you're a 10 year old boy or girl located in another location called "Johto", with pretty much the same plot as the last generation, only now you get a radio which only plays one song on each station, you can set the in-game clock which turns the sun on and off like a light switch at certain times, people can phone you about how they failed to catch a Rattata or give you free shit, and the original games' map is now called "Kanto". Team Rocket makes a reappearance, still butthurt that a 10 ear old boy named Red, the main character from the last game, defeated Giovanni, a Master Criminal with an entire army of Pokémon and underlings at his disposal. So the faggot went into hiding to be An Hero for 2 years, thus they take over the Radio Tower to try and contact him. But are all buttfucked by Gold/Kris, the new main characters, and then run away. One of the main objectives of the game is to defeat the Elite Four, again, who are much weaker than they were "2 years ago". To us, that's "in the last games". But after doing so, you can re-visit Kanto and take on Kanto's gym leaders again. Your true main objective at this point is to find and defeat Red from the first game whose Pokémon are overpowered. Then a Winrar is you.
The second generation features rearranged cities, the infamous Misty skinny-dipping cut scene, and a bunch of new Pokémon such as Pikablu, Togepi, Hoothoot and moar PokéGods like Ho-oh and Suicune, racking the Pokémon count up to 251. These games also introduced the concept of Pokémon breeding and genders, which makes all of the Pokémon-on-Pokémon Rule 34 ever conceived technically canon, Day and Night, a feature which wouldn't be seen again until Generation IV, and a badarse rival who hated Team Rocket because his dad was defeated by a 10 year old boy.
Crystal introduced the concept of a Female character, Animated sprites, Suicune takes a liking to the player and has a bigger role in the game so follows him/her around and introduces a new character called Eusine who wants Suicune to suck his dick, and eventually tells the player to also catch Raikou and Entei so you can catch Ho-oh for some reason.
The next games in the series came out for the Game Boy Advance and took place in an entirely new location called "Hoenn". Once again the plot was exactly the same and with new Pokégods to unlock by learning Braille. There was only one clock in the entire game and that was in your character's and rival's room, but there was no Day and Night and you could only catch 200 Pokémon in the entire region and couldn't trade with earlier games, which caused butthurt rage among oldfags. The games introduced 135 new Pokémon, racking the Pokémon count up to 386. The only positive aspect of these games was the introduction of Mudkips, but unfortunately this is the same generation that also introduced Gardevoir.
Ruby, Sapphire and Emerald have the exact same plot as previous games, where you buttfuck Gym leaders for their badges to take on the Elite Four. Because the games are in a new location, it also naturally features new villains, Team Aqua and Team Magma, both who think global warming is a good thing and try to wake up one of two Poké-gods (who apparently helped shape the Earth and the Sea or some shit) to cover the entire world in either Landmass by drying up the world's water or covering it in an ocean by making it rain constantly.
In Ruby, Team Magma wakes up Groudon who looks like a red Dinosaur, who turns against them and disappears and causes a drought. In Sapphire, Team Aqua wakes up Kyogre who looks like a whale cross-bred with a monkfish, who disappears and causes a rainstorm. Naturally, the 10-year old player is prompted to take on the ancient, angry and dangerous Pokémon themselves in a dark cave without any assistance whatsoever. In Emerald, both teams wake up both of them, Kyogre in the Underground Cavern and Groudon in a Volcano. As you'd expect, the beasts turn against whoever wakes them up and endangers all of Hoenn as we know it by fucking up the weather. Their "master" is a green flying serpant thing called Rayquaza, which flies around and doesn't do anything constructive until the player-character tells it to get a move on. In Ruby and Sapphire, Rayquaza has nothing to do with the main game, but is instead available after defeating the Elite Four.
The games introduced the concept of "abilities", which usually aided the Pokémon in battle. Using the HM move Dive let you dived underwater on certain water tiles without the need for resurfacing or any special equipment, Pokémon contests which could be easily won by finding out which moves give the best combinations and stuffing your Pokémon with the best Pokéblocks, which can be made by processing Berries which you've picked after you've grown them. Secret Bases, a useless feature in the game where you could teach a move called Secret Power to your Pokémon and use it to make a Secret Base. You can decorate it with useless shit (the idea was to share details with your friends and find their Secret Bases, then have a battle with the NPC in the base and it'll have their Pokémon that they had at the time) and finally, weather. Although mostly just rain and sandstorms.
Fun fact: Own the game for a year and the clock dies. When it dies, you can't grow Berries or receive any from NPCs. HOORAY FOR SHIT QUALITY!
Basically Pokémon Red and Blue comitting samefaggotry. These games are the same thing as the 90s originals, but with Ruby, Sapphire and Emerald graphics, some new islands full of Muslims and traded Pokémon which aren't in the original 151 can't evolve until you defeat the Elite Four. The Easter Egg truck is back aswell but you need Noclip to get there and all you get is a fucking Lava Cookie.
Diamond, Pearl and Platinum
These later sequels in the Pokémon franchise add connectability with teh internets, so you can trade your Mewtwo for a Magikrap from around the world!1!! You can also download Ash+Gary yaoi straight to your Nintendo DS. Just be sure to carry a strong anti-virus Pokémon in your party at all times, or you risk being pwnt by a wild virus Pokémon encountered on the tubes.
They also feature Cynthia as the whiny emo bitch Pokémon League Champion, her existence the result of mass controversy and butthurt amongst Nintendo. She is an avid fan of trolling by using her favourite Pokemanz, Trollchomp, which can easily troll unsuspecting Empoleon by using Earthquake and Brick Break - LAWLZ IT'S SUPER EFFECTIVE!!!1
Last Thursday, after many rumors were circulated on the tubes, Nintendo confirmed that there would indeed be remakes of the hit games Gold and Silver for the DS. The games have features such as letting any of your Pokémon follow you around, a wide variety of Generation II Pokémon, and pseudo-3D graphics. Basically, the new games are just a giant clusterfuck of fail produced from merging half of the old games together and adding useless features like the Pokeathlon, Pokewalker and the Spiky eared Pichu, but as soon as this piece of news was released on the internet, nostalgiafags everywhere creamed their pants. The only thing of relevance to come out of these games is the scene where the rival rapes you in Goldenrod City and leaves what's left of your semen-filled anus for Team Rocket.
The latest Pokémonz game was released in the U.S. during the apocalypse. It is the first one with real 3-D graphics and the Pokémon professor, Professor Juniper is an older woman who will attempt to rape you once you complete the whole fucking Pokédex, which means that you have to catch all 649 Pokémon in order for her to accomplish this.
You travel across the Unova region, far away from the other Pokemon regions. This time, rather than playing as some snot-nosed 10-year old, you begin the game as either a bratty teenage bitch named Hilda or as an older version of Ash named Hilbert. When you pick your starter, you can choose a fire pig, Smugleaf, or a baby clown. However, you still go through the same shit as the other games, AGAIN. You now have two rivals, a ditzy blonde bimbo named Bianca and a poker-faced azn named Cheren. It is your responsibility to defeat Team Plasma, whose goal is to free all Pokémon from the world. Some green haired faggot that claims to hear Pokeyman's voices bugs the shit out of you throughout the game, who also claims to be the "King" of Team Plasma, revives Reshiram/Zekrom's and readies its mighty dick of doom to brutally rape your puny asshole/vagina while stretching it out and widening it.
...oh, and one of the new gym leaders (Lenora and one of the Elite Four Members, Marshall, are a bunch of niggers. These niggers were added to the Pokemon games possibly because niggers bawwwed and complained to Nintendo that it was racist that there are no black people on the Internet. Plus, new Pokémon are introduced, like some Dark-type anthro-weasel-fox thing for sick fucks to pair with Lucario and Weavile in their twisted, horrendous sex art.
Shortly after the release of Black and White, it was announced that Nintendo and Game Freak had run out of colors for use in the titles of their Pokémon games and rather than calling the games Pokémon Spic and Pokémon Filthy Korean Pig, would just be calling the next generation of games Pokémon Black and White 2.
Because nobody likes the new Pokémon, however, the game will feature three hundred of the old Pokémon, as well as the shitty new ones. Other than that, because Pokéfags are too dumb to know any better, the games will be pretty much exactly the same as the previous games in the series, but set two years later.
Last Thursday, Nintendo unveiled the newest Pokémon games, Pokémon X and Pokémon Y which would apparently be set in France and allow you to play as either a blonde girl or as popular Internet video game reviewer and animator, Egoraptor. The starters are Chespin, a weird meerkat thing wearing a helmet that nobody wants, Fennekin, some furbait Vulpix rehash that will no doubt soon be starring in a fuckton of disgusting furry pr0n and Froakie, a frog wearing glasses stolen off of Morpheus from The Matrix. Two faggy legendaries and a new furry evolution for Eevee were also revealed, but nobody gives a fuck about them.
One day later even MOAR POKEMANZ WERE REVEALED including a omfg a panda pokamawn finally, another bird (how shocking), a goat called Gogoat that's already become a funneh meme, and a ripoff of Mawile.
This new version will be available only on the Nintendo 3DS and will be the first to ditch the usual 2D graphics typical of the series, because Nintendo have suddenly realized that they've got an entire fucking warehouse full of unsold 3DSes that they need to desperately shift. This also caused a massive amount of butthurt among the manchildren on /vp/, because it meant that they'd have to cash in their government issued welfare checks to buy a new system to play the game on.
The games introduce only 68 new pokeymans, the smallest amount that was added with a new generation. As well as the 28 new mega evolutions, a new mechanic where pokemon that no one cared about digivolve into ugly new forms that don't make any difference whatsoever. The story is about a new orgnization called Team Flare who want to kill everyone and everything in the world and try to make it beautiful again, just like the fashionista police. The games also introduce trainer customization, from changing your skin color to changing outfits entirely. So now you can be a nigger, a ho, or anything, the possibilities are endless!
As for the new Pokemon, here are things you can catch in X and Y!
- A sword, which evolves into two swords, which then evolve into a sword and a shield.
- A set of keys. No really, just a set of keys on a keyring.
- A tree.
- A piece of cotton candy.
- A pumpkin.
Other Bullshit Games
Never let it be said Pokémon games were entirely without variety. The franchise spawned a sizable menagerie of miscellaneous bullshit, mostly games with some generic engine and a Pokémon veneer with which to fag up your DS or N64. As a result, most of these are horrible and should never be played, EVAR.
- Pokémon Snap - You're a Pokémon porn photographer, and the level of perversity just keeps increasing until you finally end up getting raped on the moon. There was no sequel, to the furfags' sorrow.
- Pokémon Pinball - Pinball! With a Pokémon theme! At least you didn't have to buy it twice to complete the fucking thing.
- Pokémon Stadium - All gladiatorial battling, no other gameplay included. Useful for getting starters, extra Eevees, and Mew for your copy of Red/Blue, though, as it could hook up via the controller.
- Pokémon Mystery Dungeon Red and Blue Rescue Team - The first of the Mystery Dungeon series involving all Pokémans up to Generation III and became a popular Jap genre, notable for its comparatively intricate storylines, gameplay as a Pokémon rather than as a human trainer, and its ability to have dungeons that are simultaneously never the same twice and repetitive as fuck. This game is held responsible for at least 12% of Pokémon-related suicides because everyone who completes the game always cries manly tears at the end.
- Pokémon Mystery Dungeon Explorers of Time, Darkness and Sky - The second of the Mystery Dungeon series involving nearly all Pokémans up to generation IV, and was a little less shit than the last Mystery Dungeon game, because there's more characters, they all have chatheads, there's more characters who all want to get you into bed and after you complet the main game there's still a fuckton to do, story-wise. But, the gameplay hasn't been expanded in the slightest and is essentially the exact same but with moar Pokémon, more traps to piss you off and it's still repetitive as fuck. True to the Pokémon games, the third game varies the plot slightly by adding UNLOCKABLE SIDE STORIES INVOLVING ALL THE OTHER POKÉMON IN THE GAME!!!!!
- Pokémon Ranger - A retarded showcase game for the DS's stylus/touchscreen hardware with Pokémon shit glommed onto it at the last minute. You capture Pokémon by drawing circles around them and then can only use them once before you have to let them go again. Truly an exercise in futility.
- Pokémon Trozei! - Lame ripoff of Yoshi's Cookie. The only reason why you bought this is because you didn't have enough money for the latest set of games and bought this piece of shit because it had "pokemon" on it.
- Pokémon Trading Card Game - Spinoff from the original Red, Blue and Yellow games and is essentially the exact same, but with Pokémon cards. You can't explore anywhere, all the places you can visit look the same, and once you have Articuno you can buttfuck almost everyone on the game. Despite the game being absolute shit, it does teach you how to play the Card game properly, and it proves that simply owning a Charizard doesn't instantly mean you win.
- Super Smash Brothers - Although not Pokémon games in the strict sense, this series does include a couple of the more commonly-known tiresome little fuckers as playable characters, and also has stages and power-ups Pokéfags will readily recognize.
Pokémon Types And Elements
Pokémans each have their own types and abilities. This sections lists all the single types. As Pokémans can have two types, if you want serious information in finding out what's weak to what, look here, work it out for yourself and fuck off.
- Normal: The basic non-elemental type for all Pokémon based off of animals too generic or boring to bother placing into a better category. Normal types generally have very few "Special" attacks, hold no advantage over any other types, and can get knuckled over by Fighting attacks. They also couldn't damage Ghost-types unless you used Foresight, and were either ridiculously overpowered, or ridiculously shit. Most Normal-types don't sit well with being just a Normal type, so are able to wield other typed attacks, like Electric, Water or Fire to make up for their lack of any real use.
- Fire: If you had a favorite Pokémon, chances are it was a Fire-type. Despite the fact a Fire type can get knuckled over by Water, Rock and Ground types, they were loved by all and feared by many. Fire types generally dished out ridiculous amounts of Special Attack damage and had vaguely high Health and Speed so were even able to hold their own against their weaknesses, in case you didn't see that coming.
- Water: The type with the most amount of Pokémans in the games with at least 15 being introduced each Generation. Water types are based off of marine creatures and sealife. Water types were for JRPG fans who enjoyed sitting around fishing for pixels all day rather than going out and exploring the actual game. You would only really use one so it can be a HM Slave for your water-typed HM moves. Water types are effective again Rock, Ground and Fire types. Pretty much any Water type that can learn TMs can try to be a failed Ice type by learning at least one Ice TM move.
- Ice: Ice types normally came dual-typed, with the other type normally being Water. They became increasingly unoriginal with each inbred Generation, until all Nintendo could come up with were several scoops of ice cream and a Snowflake with eyes and facial hair. You would only catch and train an Ice-type in order to defeat the mandatory Dragon Trainer of that generation; only to find their Pokemon knew Fighting and Fire type moves and could easily knuckle it over.
- Electric: The only real reason you'd want an electric type is because most Electric attacks can cause Paralysis one way or another. The type itself is effective against both Water and Flying types, so could easily dispatch of those fucking Zubats and Tentacools that seem to appear in their thousands. An electric type's only weakness is the Ground type, which can be temporarily nullified with Magnet Rise. Electric Pokémans weren't based on irl creatures that could actually shoot electricity at shit until the invention of Eelektross. Some argue that Lanturn was based on an irl creature but Anglerfish don't shoot electricity, they emit light from their antenna.
- Rock: Rock types had shitloads of HP and stupidly high defence, but next to no Special defence and were normally slow as hell. These were what you spent most of your gameplay fighting if you didn't have a Grass or Water type that could easily knuckle them over and call them filthy whores.
- Ground: Often accompanied by the Rock type, Ground was a shitty mix of Rock and Normal, which means it performed poorly at being either of them. It is the only thing Electric types are weak to, but anything that shot out a lightning bolt from its bell-end were piss-weak anyway. As Generations passed, Nintendo began running out of ideas for Ground types, so they took a Hippo and a Crocodile and Pokéman'd them into Ground types.
- Fighting: Fighting types have muscles where their brains should be and sport a nigger cock. They have lots of physical strength, but could easily get mindfucked by psychics and birds for some reason. They can beat up on Normal and Ice types but had little real use until the Dark-types were invented.
- Psychic: Known as the Esper type in the Japanese version, Psychic types have powerful Special attack and Special defense, but low physical Defense and Health; basically every "mage" character in any RPG in existance. Psychic-types are shit-scared of Ghosts, Dark types and Bugs for some reason. Over the generations they went from being the single-most effective typing to noticeably one of the worst.
- Ghost: Ghosts are completely immune to Normal and Fighting attacks, weak to other ghosts and largely resistant to Ground-based moves in the later games thanks to the introduction of the Levitate ability. Your only chance in hell to beat one of these was to train up a Dark type, a Normal type wielding anything but Normal attacks, or something else. Ghosts have the ability to naturally learn and use a move called "Curse" which makes the user die alone. Ghosts also wield and other lulzy moves like "Destiny Bond" and "Perish Song".
- Side note: Nintendo troll'd the anime followers of the original Pokémon series, claiming that Ghosts were strong against Psychics. Fanboys would find that once they trained their Haunter for 3 days solidly then challenged Sabrina, they'd find that Ghost attacks actually had no effect on Psychics in the first generation of games, and were in fact weak against them due to their part-Poison typing. O Nintendo, u so funneh.
- Poison: Either has fucking high defense and HP, as well as having somewhat overpowered Poison attacks, or pathetically weak with weak Poison attacks, or were strong but had no Poison attacks at all. Get poisoned by one and you have to put up with the irritating long lasting poison effects which made these things a bitch to fight. Poison-types are often employed by the pathetic grunts of Team Rocket, and after a battle ended, the infected Pokémon would cause your screen to have a fucking seizure every four steps you took. Until Generation 5.
- Steel: Designed to appeal to HARDCORE Pokémon fans and metalfags. Basically just the same as Rock, but with even MOAR defense and HP and in an almost cruel twist of irony it now gets shat on by Fire, and Grass types now suck its 10 foot cock. The only reason you'd ever want one is because they're completely immune to Poison.
- Dark: Dark was invented because Ghost just wasn't enough for the legions of faggot fanfiction writers that make up most of the Pokémon fanbase. All of the creatures in the Dark typing are either deep and mysterious, appear at night or are natural cunts. They are one of the few types to be able to use a Psychic and Ghost-type as toilet paper with no real problems, but can get easily knuckled over by Bugs and Fighting types.
- Grass: If it's not an animal with plants growing out of it or an animal with shades of green on it, it's a plant with legs. Highly flammable, susceptible to bugs eating it, easily poisoned, birds can almost literally shit on it and not to mention generally fucking weak, you would only really choose the Grass type as your starter because everyone knows that Rock, Ground and Water types bow down to their seemingly infinite tentacles all in the shape of cocks used to dominate, rape and use them as hosts for their offspring. Oh, and Smugleaf.
- Bug: Slow, weak to Rock, Flying, and would also spontaneously combust at the smallest spark. To make up for that, they usually had an oddly good special attack and many were failed Psychic types as they usually wielded Psychic-type attacks. Most of these shot powders that stunned, poisoned or forced you to sleep.
- Flying: Various winged creatures that can fly. That is, unless they're insects, mostly anything modeled after bats and Gyarados. They were usually weak but fast and sported rather nice physical strength, but were only really useful when they were fully evolved. Rock types can crush them to pieces, Ice types can serve them frozen and Electric types can serve them fried. Only one Pokémon is a pure flying type without hax, and he's a fucking genie.
- Dragon: Probably the only type in the game worth a damn, at least until the introduction of the Fairy type. Overpowered, huge amount of HP, fast, could take a lot of rape and most of them could learn at least one move of every other type in existence. They're mainly used by whiny ass little bastards who think the world of Pokémon is real. Nearly impossible to kill and even MOAR impossible to level-up, Dragon's only weaknesses are Ice, Dragon and Fairies.
- Fairy: The manliest type ever. It was announced that the Fairy type is super effective against Dragon type which means that the Dragon type finally gets kicked down a notch and hopefully encourage 13 year olds to use something else.
During the awesome Pokéman battles which start, either when you step on a Pachirisu, a fat faggot with nothing better to do challenges you to a fight for no real reason at all, or your imaginary friend from irl challenges you and you hook up your Gameboys together so you can start fightin' your Pokémans, Status conditions are one of the things Pokémans can do to each other to piss each other off. They are as follows:
- Paralysis: A condition inflicted most commonly by Electric attacks, Body Slam, Stun Spore and Glare. Annoyingly the most common status condition you can ever fucking get. Paralysis slows the sufferer down by 25% and makes most of their attacks not work. You can recover from Paralysis with Refresh/Heal Bell or Paralyze&status-healing items, only so you can get paralyzed again. Combine with Attract and Confusion for EXTREME TROLLING. Any Pokéman with the Limber ability is immune to paralysis, just saiyan.
- Poison: A less common but equally stupid condition wherein the poisoned Pokemon gradually loses HP even when you are out of battle, shown when your game has a fucking seizure every 4 steps. Can only be cured by Refresh/Heal bell and Poison&status-healing items. Pokémans with the Immunity ability, Poison types and Steel types are immune to it. In the first 3 generations, your Pokéman fainted from poison outside of battle. In Generation IV, they magically recover from poison while on the verge of death at 1hp and in Generation V they stay poisoned but don't cause the screen to seizure or lose health by walking 4 steps, essentially making it no different to having a Burn, minus shitting on the Attack stat.
- Bad poison: Copy/paste of Poison, but does more damage as more turns are taken in battle. Totally fair.
- Sleep; Sleep stops your Pokemon from doing anything at all, unless you use Snore or Sleep talk. It can either last a long time or not very long at all, essentially mindfucking you into choosing whether to use an Sleep-curing item or not. If you're really unlucky, it could last at least 20 turns. Any Pokéman with Dream Eater, usually the one that put you to sleep in the first place, can rape your health while healing themselves at the same time. Any Pokéman with Insomnia or Vital Spirit is immune to sleep, even if it tries to cause it on itself by using Rest.
- Burn: Burns are most often inflicted by 90% of Fire attacks. When affected by a burn, the Attack stat is shat all over similar to how Paralysis shits on Speed, and you lose HP every turn. It doesn't make your game screen have a seizure every 4 steps outside of battle though, and can be cured with Refresh/Heal bell and Burn&Status-curing items or if a Pokéman is a Fire type or has the Water Veil ability it can't get a burn at all.
- Freeze: Caused by at least 50% of Ice attacks and works pretty much the same way as Sleep, by making your Pokéman useless in that it can't fight back. It rarely lasts more than one turn though and has no attacks that instantly causes it. The Pokéman in question can be defrosted in one of five ways; It can defrost randomly on its own, can be cured with Ice&status-healing items, can be defrosted when Fire attacks are used against it, is immune to being frozen with the Magma Armor ability and it can defrost itself using Flame Wheel, Sacred Fire, Flare Blitz, Fusion Flare, or Scald. A pure fail.
- Attract: Psuedo-Rule 34. Pokémans can whore themselves out to the opposite gender and your Pokéman falls in love with it. It stops at least 100% of all your attacks from doing anything when your Pokéman starts pining for dat ass and won't do anything for that turn. Unknown genders can't learn Attract, but those who can use it by other methods can't attract anyone. Combine with Paralysis and/or Confusion for EXTREME TROLLING! Any Pokéman with the Oblivious ability or the game gender is immune to it.
- Confusion: Used only as a last resort or by NPCs to piss you off. The affected Pokéman can fail attacks and punch itself in the face in the process. Higher Attack power means it slaps itself harder, which is why people like the attack Swagger. Confusion lasts 500 turns for you, lasts 1 turn for the opponent. Invest in Confuse Ray for EXTREME TROLLING! Unless of course it has the Own Tempo ability.
- Curse: A lulzy condition inflicted by Ghost types; The user becomes emo and sticks needles in itself using some odd voodoo shit, taking half its health to lay a curse on your Pokéman. Every turn, just less than 1/4 of your Pokémans health will be taken until it dies of severe depression. Massive trolling and butthurt ensues from its use. Use it often and use it against real people to piss them off.
- Pokérus: Not a typical status ailment with negative effects in battle; basically your Pokéman contracted Pokérus from fighting a Wild Pokéman, but you must have battled it and preferably defeated it to catch it, and the virus is really fucking rare. It can be spread to all your other Pokéman, regardless of gender or species. Hell, it can even be passed onto eggs. It can't be cured, and it goes away over time; but the effects of the virus remain for the rest of your Pokéman's life. Pokérus is a special strand of AIDS that turns your Pokéman into the strongest fucking thing evar whenever it levels up, and is really fucking rare despite the fact that it can be spread like the common cold.
The Trainer Class
The People who wander around the Pokemon islands and cities... and then some. It will also educate you on the insightful characteristics that the Japanese has arrogantly stereotyped us Americans on the way of how we act and the shit we say, usually not remembering that their assumptions are usually true, except we are much more stupid.
- Beauty: The sluts that every Pokemon game is contained with, essentially a bunch of rich white chicks who spend half their time sucking cock than worrying about their Pokemon but surprisingly, have usually high leveled Pokemon, from smuggling Rare Candy, these women are usually very easy and will sleep with anyone, as long as you pay the price.
- Roughneck: These thugs usually spend their time scaring and beating the shit out of people and stealing their Pokemon, before all of the Blacks got introduced in Gen 5, these were the original Ghetto people, still, tresspass in their neighborhood... you are pretty much screwed.
- Jocks: Basically, the typical arrogant assholes who work out and will try to Nazi the Popularity Food Chain... though in games like these most of them are Asian.
- Asian Jocks: These characters were only added by the Japanese to reverse stereotype that not all Asians are weak... (though Americans still believe) every one of these Black Belts are from Chink or Gook descent and will scream at you in Japanese ordering you to battle them, like Normal white Jocks, Azn Jocks are just as stupid and arrogant.
- Children: Yes, even children play Pokemon and quite a lot of them apparently, they partake in; Camping, Climbing, Tubing, Sailing and pretending to be Ninjas, due to irresponisble deadbeat fathers and Prof. Oak, Elm, Birch, etc sexing each and every mother they can get their hands on. These little Freshman are highly irritable and will stand in the way of you cutting trees and will always annoy you talking about the size of their shorts.
- Thugz: A lot of these faggots are dressed in the stereotypical "Burglar" outfit, those in the 2007 hacked Topaz edition, hoodies as they were named "Chavs" and in the new versions they are dressed as Niggers, these people will probably mug you of your belongings, battle your Pokemon, steal your Pokemon, kill your Pokemon and steal all of your money.
- Heathens: Most of these men/women (witches) are Hex Maniacs and will summon dead Pokemon and claim them as slaves as they steal your Pokemon's souls... which is cheating in the highest form, though their power does not work on the Gingers. Most of these goons will hang out at Lavender Town and are either; Wiccans, Pagans, Goth, Emo or Ginger.
- Preps: Also called "Cool Trainers" obviously self-proclaimed and they are all found in Victory Road. Due to being incredibly Rich, they will often cheat in battles using unlimited Full Restores and Rare Candies, which is the only reason why they are often difficult and annoying to face.
- Fishermen: People who are very slow-witted as they think that Magikarp is a special Pokemon due to its name... these retards are easy to defeat, though unfortunately defeating them half of the time isn't worth the money, so why bother?
- Snobs: These are the other fags (along with the Preps) who are incredibly annoying and are doing it wrong with the Pokemon battles... they have no strategy and very weak Pokemon which should be used only in Contests anyway. These men and women will only use Full Restores and Berries whenever their Pokemon's health is down to Yellow, so ONE-HIT K.O. and finish them.
- Young Ladies: These prostitots are only called "Young Ladies" as the name "Whore" is already taken, these girls will only show off their cute Pokemon for attention and will find any excuse to lift up their miniscule skirts, most of these girls are Catholic.
- Hikers: Most consist of gay men and lesbian women who are the typical German immigrants but are American-ized. Most men are fat, hairy bears and not much is heard of the women (maybe some of the bears ARE the women) most of them use Rock types to match their intelligence and Ground types as they are unhygienic, their strange customs include shaving half of their heads and wearing belly tops with clothes that do not match, they are also socially creepy and unkempt.
- Social Retards: Basically the Nerds and the Jews of the Pokemon games, they are obsessive-compulsive collectors and are incredibly goofy and retarded. Though most nerds are smarter than the rest of the characters in this game... not that that is saying much. Most Nerds and Jews are easy to beat and only collect rare, shiny Pokemon. Lulz!
- Seafearers: Most of these types associate with water atmosphere and consist of; Pirates, Sailors and Navy recruits. They act macho.
- Tramps: Do not laugh! Most of these motherfuckers are highly skilled of their Pokemon and more responsible than most... these people think that they are rich and love to act rich because they are in a big house with big families but are just another equivalent of White Trash... note that these people HATE Arabs, Jews, Armenians and Turks... even some Poles so they can be on your side though prepare to have your best Pokemon ready for these fuckers... they are also expert liars.
- Garçon: Pierre and The Rest are usually skilled in Pokemon Battles as they have a lot of Waiter's experience and money by their side, they are usually very snobby and get aroused by their hairy (yet slender as fuck), snooty, silly, garlicky women most of these associate with the Goombahs as they are the only people that make them look good as the Dagos have more fatter, hairier women. They have a child Trainer named "Luxembourg" but you won't know him, so why bother explaining?
- The In-Crowd: White Devils! Mostly Jocks, Preps, Twinks, Punks, Scene-stars and the attractive tomboys... even trannies.
- Gypsy: Bitches (and thugs) with Psychic Pokemon and a lot of stolen shit... if they lose, they mostly steal their money back anyway.
- Chav: Basically White Trash, but more Urban than Rural, are usually easy to defeat as these idiots combined have the IQ of an Autistic person.
- Gangsters: These people travel in packs and will often attack in a group, name it be Team Rocket, Team Magma, Team Ambar... so fourth and will usually try and have this pathetic scheme only for it to turn out horribly wrong ending in Lulz as most of these Gangsters are mostly extinct and Pokemon is becoming more diverse, why not make these characters a bunch of Mexicans? Heck, they won't get paid very much but it should be a hell of a lot more than gardening, plus, we need these villains to not be very bright and travel in crowded packs, so who else but the Mexicans? Indians? Too sweaty and smelly. Niggers? Nah, too cliche (plus they are not real gangsters nor will they ever be).
- Goth: Depressed young people who sometimes write poetry and complain about life, more depressed than Ethiopians.
- Emo: The goth's best friend (one-sided) as Goths hate Emos... basically like a Goth but slit their wrists and are more weak.
- European Scum: Basically the "beautiful", "smart", the "oh-so-clever" Europeans such as; The Germans, The Polish, The Scottish, The Irish, The British, The Italians, The Albanians, The Finnish, The Swedish and many other ethnics.
- Other Ethnicities: These can consist of; Niggers, Mulattoes, Arabs, Jews, Indians and Europeans are basically people who you may or will experience later on in the game where everything has become more "diverse".
- Complete Weirdos: Yes, every game has them... the types of trainers you MUST stay away from, which includes; The Ooga-Booga Africans, Demon Jizz, Bronies, Dirty-Smelly Kids, Furfags, Christfags, Muslims, Fags, Dykes and Rubes. These trainers always ruin everything and will steal your money and shit all over your game with hacks and broken codes... all collect shit and random Pokemon with the move "Assist".
- Pokemon Black Country Edition: If you are a Britfag or a Mick you will often experience these alternate Trainer Classes who nobody from anywhere else will understand except you, so good luck with that. Trainer’s classes are Chav, Chavette, Factory Worker, Brummie Git, Benefit Scrounger, Brood Mare, Bus Driver, City Charity Worker, Big Issue Seller, Barge Guy/Gal, Black Country Local, Jewelry Quart Shopkeeper. Erdingtonite.
The Pokémon cartoon tells the story of hermaphrodite Ash Ketchum, whose hollow life is devoted entirely to Pokémon fanboyism. Therefore, he teams up with his best buddy and partner, the electrified rat Pikachu, and sets out to catch 'em all.
Ash is soon accompanied by Misty O'IttyBittyTitties, former underage fetish model. He is also joined by Brock Statue Tory, all around horn dog and charter member of the Nurse Joy appreciation club. A running joke involves Brock cumming in his pants whenever he sees anything with breasts, which happens with amazing frequency considering his eyes are permanently closed. However, the reason behind Brock's weird-ass behavior is his homosexuality. This is the only explanation why he has never had a girlfriend, and why he loves to cook. As the rest of the gang are major gay-bashers, he hides this with his girl "obsession."
Ash is chased around the world by Team Rocket members Jessie, James, and their annoying retarded cat. They supply 95% of this show's lulz in the form of endless attempts to steal Pikachu so that their boss would appreciate them again, not that he did anyway. They are also the subject of many shipping wars among Pokéfans who are just too dumb to realize James is gay.
Misty later leaves the show after getting knocked up and is promptly replaced by May, a jailbait whore with breasts that more than make up for Misty's lack thereof. May brings along her brother Max, an incestuous little fuckface, who seems to know more about Pokémon than Ash. In order to boost ratings, Dawn is then introduced to the show, and considering that she's 10 years old, she is an even bigger whore than the other girls, (if possible), mainly due to her extremely short skirt. Having the smallest chest, she is clearly fanservice for pedophiles, amirite?
Some argue the entire series is merely Ash's coma-induced dream, revealing such elements of his subconscious as his repressed sexual feelings and poor relationship with his father, which is most likely true if he runs away from home to serch for da weird tings known as Pokemans. These people need to find something better to do than psychoanalyzing bad anime.
Coma Induced Dream
Read this massive copypasta HERE
Professor Oak is Doing Your Mom
In the Pokémon anime, it was blatantly obvious that Professor Oak was sleeping with Ash's mother. Every time he would call his mother's house, Professor Oak would almost always be there for some intriguing reason. Indeed, the television show only made a few cursory references to Ash's biological father, saying only that he was on his own Pokémon journey, and not specifying whether he was even still alive. Several popular fan theories state that Ash was conceived in a three-way between Giovanni, Delia Ketchum, and her Mr. Mime housekeeper.
Back in the day, everyone and their grandmother created an animated-gif-filled Pokémon fansite on Geoshities, named using a complex algorithm to find the perfect combination of the words "Master," "Ultimate," "Legendary," and an arbitrarily chosen Pokémon mascot. These fansites come complete with instructions on how to get Mew and Pikablu in the games, Pokémon/Zelda crossover fanfiction, and in-depth discussions on AshxLugia shipping (OTP!!!).
The internet currently holds the undeleted remnants of these fansites, the Pokémon wiki Bulbapedia, and multiple copypasta versions of serebii.net. PokéFags also seem to think people are interested in watching 10-minute-long YouTube videos of them messing around with their Pokémon games and a GameShark.
FanFiction.Net is notorious for slashfics, to the point that no one is surprised when Sephiroth is paired with Oprah Winfrey and they have sex in a locker room. Pokémon fanfictions, however, take slashfics to a whole new level of depravity and horror. A prime example of this is the fanfiction "Diamond Pokemon" (the author's originality is expressed in this title, f'sho). Through painstaking research (liberal amounts of eyebleach were needed afterwards), it has been deduced that the fic is basically about Dawn fucking everything that moves, including her mom, a bidoof, a guy with two dicks and even a Geodude. The creator of all this sickfuckery? megadeth425, who basically wrote 55,000 pages of underage fucking and bestiality. An example of megadeth's prime writing:
"Dawn had been in some strange positions before. In terms of gym badges, she had won two of them with sex, and a third required sex before she could actually battle the leader. Still, except for Maylene, none had come even close in intensity to being mounted doggy style by a very horny Bastiodon. "Fuck me!" she screamed, her face covered by a white mask of semen, as the girthy steel Pokemon ravished her. Her clothes, likewise, had been splattered with jizz, her top cut down the middle by an eager Skorupi, exposing her small breasts, which were, you guessed it, coated in cum."
As Pokémon forums emerged, 16-year-old girls could post threads asking "OMGZ! U THINK ASH AND MISTY LEIK EACH OTHER?" Fair enough question, except Ash is a retard and has the emotional threshold of a brick. They called the ship "Pokéshipping" or, for the Wapanese, "SatoKasu." But then, the yaoi fangirls came out and INSISTED Ash and his rival, Gary Oak, wanted sekrit buttsex with each other. They called it "Palletshipping" because they were both rivals from Pallet Town. And then the Palletshippers and Pokéshippers flamed each other.
Then some other people went "NO WAI! Brock and Misty are in love! It's called Gymshipping cuz they're both gym leaders!" And so the Gymshippers flamed the Pokéshippers. And then different yaoi fangirls went "Nuh-uh, girlfriend! Ash and Brock are soooo fux0ring!" They called themselves Bouldershippers. And they flamed the Pokéshippers and Palletshippers.
AND THEN, Brock left the show for a while and was replaced by that art fag, Tracey. And the Gymshippers and Bouldershippers went "OMGWTF?" But then some other shippers showed up and paired Misty with Tracey, and called themselves Orangeshippers because it was the Orange Island saga. They flamed the Gymshippers and the Pokéshippers. And there was also people who shipped Ash and Tracey but noone remembers what they were called and nobody gives a shit.
Eventually Brock came back, and Tracey was left with his hero Professor Oak (who is also shipped, but no one really argues over that since it's non-canon), and the shipping wars came back to normal for the entirety of the over-padded Johto Journeys.
That was the reaction when the girl for Advanced Generation, Haruka (later called May by the 4Kids fascists), was introduced. Pokéshippers tried to convince themselves that it was still Misty, with different hair and clothes (and bigger tits), but it wasn't. So then they told themselves "OMG, I BET MISTY AND ASH WILL CONFESS THEIR LUUUV AND KISS! AND ASH IS WEARING DIFFERENT CLOTHES NEXT SEASON BECAUSE SHE GAVE THEM TO HIM!!!111" However, this was not to be. So the Pokéshippers locked themselves in their rooms in defeat, repeating "They's in love, they's in love, they's in love my preciousssssssss..." Somehow, a similar fallout happened with Gymshippers.
Of course, teh internets continued to bitch. Several fansites such as this one have pleaded for the return of Misty. Some go so far as to make shit quality videos with shitty music, such as one made by this faggot named "Pokeria1" (who was later revealed to be a retarded momma's boy.) Obviously, none of this worked.
So, May came on the show, with her overdeveloped b8 tits and ass, and Ash, being dumber than a brick, didn't notice. Despite that, people still paired them, called the Advanceshippers (or "SatoHaru"). The distressed-but-determined Pokéshippers weren't going to give up yet, so then came a second wave of flamewars between the Advanceshippers and the Pokéshippers (by then, everyone forgot about Gary). These wars also incorporated Contestshipping (May/Drew, who is the kid with the awful green hair) Brock/May shipping (which doesn't have a name, but it makes the most sense since she uses him as a sugar daddy a lot), and even the incestuous pairing of May with her nerd brother, Max.
At the end of Advanced generation, nothing happened between Ash and May, but May ended up stalking Drew to another place, so Contestshipping was declared canon.
The new season is Pokémon D/P (short for Double Penetration), and the new girl is Hikari...er, Dawn (nice name, Pokémon USA). Simply because she exists in the show, she and Ash are shipped by Pearlshippers, or Diamondshippers (Wapanese use SatoHika). There is also Ikarishipping, pairing Dawn and Shinji (Paul in the Engrish) just so he can be paired with somebody, and -- oh, fuck it, you know what's going to happen. Flamewars all over the place.
You think after all that TL;DR, we'd be done. No, that was just the twerp ships, the very tip of the iceberg.
The stars of the show, Team Rocket, have been the center of the most brutal ongoing flamewar outside of the Harry Potter fandom, and both sides have ended up looking like fucktards. Jessie and James, through the sheer fact that they are always together (and hugging when they're scared), must be in love. Nevermind James acts like a total faggot (although the Wapanese fans swear this is only because the fascists at 4kids hired that faggot, Eric Stuart, to voice him, yet that doesn't explain his rampant crossdressing) and Jessie acts like a total whore. BUT THEYS HOLDIN HANDZ IN THA BALLOON! AND THEY GOT MARRIED IN THE MANGA! AND.. UM... JAMES HASN'T SET JESSIE ON FIRE AND PISSED ON HER SHOUTING "I HATE WIMMINZ@@!" SO IT MUST BE LUV! Such is the logic of the Rocketshippers, who might just be forgiven if they kept it to their forums and websites and not infect everywhere with their OOC fanfiction.
On the opposite side are a different sort of extremists, the Anti-Rocketshippers. Their rallying place is "satire" site Pokémopolis, run by two sheep fucking kiwis, Tim and Lex, two extremely pathetic man/women (who am I kidding?) Manchildren, who hate Japan and worship 4Kids. Despite claiming to be satire, their Anti-Rocketshipping stance is serious business. James IS A FAG! AND IT'S FUNNY! HE TOTALLY CAN'T STAND JESSIE! BUT TIM CAN! TIM LOVES JESSIE EVEN THOUGH HE CALLS HER A WHORE! OMGZ, ROCKETSHIPPERS ARE TERRORISTS! LOL! WE'RE KIDDING! BUT WE STILL HATE YOU! Such is the passive-aggressive hypocrisy of Tim and Lex. In reality, Dodgemaster Tim is a self-hating homosexual who wants to fuck James, but he covers it up by lusting after Jessie in a misogynist manner. And Lex is just a bitch.
Ash/Gary - Gary pwns Ash all the time because inside he truly cares about him which is why he dumped his cheerleading team so he could focus all on him in the Johto League! TRUE LOVE RIGHT THERE!
Cynthia/Cyrus - If you don't know who Cyrus is, he's a Cthulhu cultist who's at least in his late 50s and thinks he's 23, and tries to take control of legendary Pokémon and buttfuck everybody on Earth. You also fight him over 9000 times in Platinum. Even though it will never happen and is your perfect example of how shippers pair up mortal enemies (they're hiding their "twoo wuv," or some shit like that) like complete retards, they claim that one cursing the other's name and wishing s/he was dead is love. As we know, this is true.
Cynthia/Ash - People began seeing Cynthia for the pedophile that she is and paired her up with Ash. Not much to say other than she's a pedo. Most art for these two features Ash getting the shit squeezed out of him by Cynthia's non-existent melons.
Cynthia/Paul - See Ash, replace Ash with Paul.
Cynthia/Flint - HEY GUYS, TWO PEOPLE BEING IN THE SAME ORGANISATION MEANS THEY LOVE EACH OTHER, RITE?!?!?!?!?!
As usual... okay, you know where this is going. TL;DR Flame wars and lots of lulz.
You think we're done here? Oh no kiddies, there's plenty moar orgies where that came. There's still the entire Pokémon manga to go over. Basically, take every pairing and replace their name with a fucking color. So technically it's all canon since RedxBlue produces purple. There is no need to bore you with what is already common knowledge in most anime. To summarize: flame wars, lulz, and blah blah blah.
4Kids and USA Drama
The Pokémon anime was originally dubbed for U.S. distribution by 4Kids. Several episodes were banhammered by 4Kids for reasons varying from Brock sneezing during the SARS epidemic, to an overabundance of evil Japanese culture, to James showing off his new boobs, to Porygon-induced subliminal messages that would cause seizures and the buying of more Pokémon merchandise. This topic can cause fanboys to rant for hours on their fansites or online journals.
Eventually, Pokémon USA stepped in and yoinked the anime away from 4Kids. All the "fans" who had previously bitched about how 4Kids was sodomizing the series now acted like it was the apocalypse that the voice artists had been replaced. They set up at least 100 online petitions to reinstate the old voices. Pokémon is clearly serious business. To make the lulz even better, one of their voice actors, Eric Stuart (who did James and Brock) posted about the voice actor changeover on his website, whining like a 13-year-old boy and spamming his own guestbook out of angst.
In 1996, Wizards Of The Coast released a trading card game in which they (badly) translated the cards from Japan. The cardgame involved the strategy of flipping over 9000 coins and using the same set of cards for every single deck.
Later, Nintendo realized they didn't have to rely on Wizards' shitty rules and broke up with their homoerotic corporate lovers, releasing them independently (by which time Pokémon had lost popularity anyway and was reserved for middle class white kids, whose parents couldn't afford cable or piano teachers). This new game featured the same basic principles: coin-flipping, same fucking cards, and sticking to a theme.
Elements in the TCG
There are several elements in the TCG. Note that a few of these are not the same as their video game element counterparts.
- Grass/Bug: Nobody played Grass, except for Jim Profit, but nobody likes him anyway. Grass involved using the same poison attack on twenty different cards.
- Fire: Fire was for dumb kids who wanted to use their favorite Pokémon for their deck. They always got beaten and had their good cards stolen. The stratagy involved doing mundane amounts of damage, and wasting energy.
- Water: Water decks were played by fags who fapped to Misty. The strategy involved doing more damage by adding more energy to your Pokémon. OMGZ nova!
- Psychic/Ghost: Psychic fags were always noticeable as they wanted to use their super rare Mewtwo card, but you would let them because Mewtwo sucked anyway and then they'd get their asses kicked in a children's cardgame.
- Fighting/Ground/Rock: This element was a combination of Fighting, Rock, and Ground type Pokémon from the original video game. Why they couldn't just give everyone their own elemental card still remains a mystery to this day. Fighting was for unoriginal faggots who didn't know how to do anything else but flip coins and deal damage. Needless to say, they always win.
- Lightning: Lightning was used by girls who didn't know what the fuck they were doing. Lightning strategy involved flipping coins to deal what other Pokémons were dealing without coinflips, and Self Destruct which dealed a whole 40 damage. WOW!
- Steel: Steel was all about defense and lots of HP. Steel had a lot more cards in Japan, but America was scared that the cards would give American kids seizures and encourage communism because of the emphasis on industrial work.
- Dark: Dark, like Steel, was intended to be a non-basic energy that was splashed in decks. Unlike steel though, dark appealed to angsty 13 year old boys and there's now more Pokémon that can use Dark energy then anything else.
- Normal: Otherwise known as colorless (or simply white). Normal Pokémon could use any other energy and were a favorite of pedophiles. Players would purposely make all colorless decks, which was fucking retarded and they'd lose on purpose so they could be taught how to play by expert little girls.
- Many overprotective parents claim that Pokémon is harmful to their children, since it promotes cock-fighting and similarly violent hobbies, as well as encouraging the unholy practice of summoning demons to settle childhood disputes. On the other hand, the Pope has condoned Pokémon as being full of positive messages, but, of course, we all know that the Pope is a Satanic, fish-hat wearing Mudkips-lover.
- Creationists complain that Pokémon teaches youth only about the theory of evolution, and not about the alternate theory of intelligent design, thereby educating them stupid. Funny how Pokémon has Arceus, a deer-thing that supposedly created all the Pokémon.
- Conversely, evolutionists have condemned Pokémon on the grounds that its depiction of the process of evolution is entirely unrealistic; what's lulzy is that most creationists already had (and continue to mindlessly promulgate) a very Pokémon view of evolution before the series was ever conceived.
- Feminists complain that Pokémon is sexist, since all of its "best trainers" are male, just like real life amirite guiz?
- Uri Geller tried to sue Nintendo over Kadabra, because it holds a spoon.
- Jynx used to be a nigger and shoop da whoop but turned purple due to BAWWWWW.
- In 1999 two kids sued Nintendo because they claimed the card game cause their gambling addiction.
- In 2001, Saudi Arabia suffered massive butthurt and b& Pokémon citing such reasons as "the game promotes theories of evolution, encourages gambling and, at its core, is part of a Jewish conspiracy(created by Shinto Japanese) aimed at turning children away from Islam."
- Jews themselves charge that Pokémon is anti-semitic claiming, among other things, that "Pikachu" sounds suspiciously like "Pick-A-Jew."
- Interestingly, no-one complains about other obvious racist caricatures Lombre, Ludicolo, and Shiftry, possibly because beaners are too occupied joining gangs and stealing white kids' GBAs for burrito money to actually play the games, while Injuns are too high on paint thinner and illiterate anyway.
- So Christians hate it because it drives kids away from their creationist bullshit, Jews hate it because it has backwards swastikas, Muslims hate it because it is a Jewish conspiracy (created by Shinto Japanese) to drive kids away from Islam.
The Dark Heart of Pokémon
Previous Video | Next Video
Pokémon is usually presented as a phenomenon for children (or childlike adults), depicting a realm of trust and goodwill, barring a few inane antagonists along the way mostly to help you build character. However, to the discerning eye, the world of Pokémon offers a wealth of the bizarre and sinister - there are many aspects that, once you really start to think about them, become deeply creepy; especially the origins of Ghost-type Pokemon.
- Zubat is usually considered an annoying pest, as every encounter in a cave has a 90% chance of being a Zubat, and they offer generally shit experience rewards. But if you examine its Pokédex entry, you'll discover it's a swarming bloodsucker with a three foot wingspan - suddenly it's not quite so inconsequential.
- 10-year-old kids are kicked out of their homes to make creatures that could mutilate the fuck out of them fight for money. Although this may be normal in the Pokémon world.
- Lavender Town. The music was so notoriously discomforting that they had to redo it for all the remakes, and it had that looming tower-mausoleum full of angry ghosts and possessed psychics. Later, in Gold/Silver, it boasts a radio tower that broadcasts the extra-dimensional ravings of the Unowns, a reality-warping alien hivemind. It also holds the tragic secret behind Gary Oak's badass exterior. It also contains the bug which triggers [zombie|Missingo]] in Pokémon Yellow, the last version to have MissingNo before Nintendo finally caved in and killed it with fire.
- Banette is a possessed that was neglected by it's owner and thrown in a dumpster, and Haunters eat souls. Haunter's precursor form Gastly, according to its Pokédex entry, is a four-foot-in-diameter floating face that isn't stopped by doors or walls.
- Nurse Joy, Officer Jenny and Don George are clones. This is made clear in the anime. SO WHO IS CONDUCTING THE CLONING??
- Spoink is a cute pig Pokemon which travels around by bouncing on its spring tail. If it ceases to bounce, its heart will cease to beat.
- If a Haunter beckons you while it is floating in darkness, don't approach it. This Pokémon will try to lick you with its tongue and steal your life away.
- Gengar and Clefairy have almost identical silhouettes; and both are rare, mysterious Pokemon associated with night. It is therefore apparent that Gengar is either a dead Clefairy or the possessed shadow of one.
- Duskull chooses a crying child for a victim and follows it until dawn, passing through walls to get to it. It evolves into a hideous cyclops which hears voices in its head telling it to kill people.
- Drifloon is a cute Ghost Pokemon resembling a balloon, with long string-like arms. If a child grabs its arm, the child is never seen again.
- In more or less every Pokemon game there is a severe shortage of adult males; most males in the games are either elderly or young; and in most Pokemon games the protagonist has no visible father (and neither does the rival). This combined with military elements such as Lt Surge suggest that there was a great war in the recent past in which the majority of adult men were killed.
- The skull over Cubone's head is from his/her dead mother.
- Yamask are born from deceased humans, keeping memories of their former lives and going emo about it. The mask they carry depicts the face they had in life and they constantly stare and it and cry.
Go here for more people with too much time on their hands parsing a crappy video game/anime and scaring themselves in the process.
Catching MissingNo is the closest thing to forming an eternal pact with Satan most gamers will ever experience.
MissingNo is a failsafe mechanism which triggers when the game tries to spawn a pokémon from garbage data. In exchange for access to your immortal soul, it will give you unlimited riches, but in return destroy your Hall of Fame records, thus barring you from ever entering Poké-Heaven. Upon realising they'd accidentally unleashed a demonic force upon unsuspecting children and manchildren, Nintendo tried to exorcise the monstrosity, resulting in Pokémon Yellow Pikachu won't fucking leave me alone Edition. Unfortunately, the evil which dwells in Lavander Town resurrected MissingNo as a far more horrific entity which tended to make your Game Boy emit hellish screaming before freezing, requiring a reboot. The fact all this was rather compelling evidence they were making contact with demonic entities who would rape their immortal soul didn't deter gamers from trying to catch this new variation, which goes a long way to explaining how the antichrist will one day rule humanity.
Harley is May's hater. Why? Because she called his Cacturne creepy then tried out his cookies calling it... NOT HALF BAD! Thus, Harley took a picture of her and blacklisted her as a bitch. He then pretends to be friends with them and attains her docs from her little brother. He records the docs and puts it on the speakers, in the middle of the contest he lets everyone know that May got traumatized by Tentacools as a child and makes her cry.
Harley was a character made from a combination of butthurt Misty/Ash shippers and gays (by attracting gay people to Pokemon they would increase profits 125%). Needless to say, he appears numerous times, each episode pretending to be nice to May who actually believes him. In the Grand Festival he sabotages her by telling her to use the same move over 9000 times.
In the second Grand Festival, he dresses up as May, further embarassing her by being sexier than her. After that he, May, Drew, and Solidad decided to travel together to Johto.
|Images||About missing Pics|
|Gotta fap to 'em all!||About missing Pics|
|Official Manga||About missing Pics|
Previous Video | Next Video
is part of a series on Pokémon
- Chris Chan
- GalladeXD - WATCH OUT GUYS, WE'VE GOT A POKEMON FUCKER HERE!
- Gary Oak - That is one badass motherfucker!
- Cynthia - Because Nintendo obviously isn't sexist.
- Japanese Bug Fights - IRL Pokémon
- Nuzlocke A SUPER SRS way of making the games harder.
- Smogon University
- Pogs - similar fandom
- Slash Firestorm - Rule 34s Pokémon and human beings.
- What is Brock? - The question that has plagued mankind for centuries.
- Jessica Nigri
- Rubén Puig Lecegui
- Bakugan - Basically Beyblade.
- Beyblade - If we can make a show about gay furry plushies that come to life, we can turn some fucking TOPS into one just as well!
- Cardcaptor Sakura - The love-child of Pokémon and Yu-Gi-Oh, for girls.
- Digimon - Complete ditto of Pokémon.
- Yu-Gi-Oh - A series about fucking cards.
- Zoids - This time it's about fucking giant robots.
- Official Website
- Faggotry is power
- Official TCG Website
- Typical fansite
- BROCK WILL STEAL YOUR PENIS is a meme
- Pokémon are real
- Porkemon Fan Fiction The greatest fanfic of all time. Oh, and be sure to read all the chapters and not just the first post.
Pokémon is part of a series on
Visit the Anime Portal for complete coverage.
Pokémon is part of a series on
Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage.
is part of a Series on