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Paula Deen

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Paula Deen is was the idyllic image of an American woman. She is an elderly "southern sweetheart" who is also a festively plump, loud, horny, and somewhat racist TV chef with some nasty tendencies perfectly fit for network television watched exclusively by frequent house-dwellers. Her Trailer-born southern drawl will give you nightmares involving butter and "Deliverance".

 
 
GOOLASH Y'ALL!
 

 

Contents

"Chef" Deen

MUCH BETTER

Paula's cooking is world-known for its health and nutrition qualities, as well as its strong vegan support. To date, Paula Deen has not produced a single recipe without her secret weapon, which is butter. Paula Deen loves the taste of butter, the smell of it, and the texture of it. She has been known to eat butter off the stick or drink it on recorded television. Everything, from steamed vegetables to porterhouse steak, gets a liberal coating in butter. Even her desserts are loaded with butter (and plenty of sugar, to top it off).

Occasionally, she will bring her two fatass sons onto her show. As she "cooks" her horrible concocktions, she and her failure redneck children talk about how crappy their childhoods were. Once the food is done cooking, she always has to take the first bite of the shit.

The majority of Deen's recipes are certified Atkins approved, though a small number of them contain a disgusting and unhealthy ingredient, like berries or bananas or various other poisonous plant matter. However, in those rare cases, most of the hazardous content of the fruit (like vitamins and nutrients, for example), are effectively destroyed through the deep frying process she employs with all her recipes. Despite this, if you are a health nut on Atkins, you can always substitute more butter for the fruit and it will be rendered Atkins safe, so you can continue to maintain a relatively normal (by American standards) waistline while avoiding catastrophic internal decay and rot, which is never associated with diets containing high levels of meats and animal fats and virtually no plant nutrition (source: Corporate Nutritional Sciences of America).

Paula Deen has been awarded several honors from the livestock and dairy industries of America, and she has also received many esteemed awards from the Fad Diet Book Marketing Cooperative (FDBMC) for her contributions to the general stupidity (intellectual castration due to excess fats and grease), laziness, and gluttony of the American public.

The Buttergasm

A mini-meme of /ck/, the "buttergasm" can be seen in many of Paula's cooking show segments. Her eyes will glaze over and a large grin will appear on her face when mass quantities of butter are within sight. Thus, many compared this with a female orgasm, and the buttergasm was born. Then again, typical people of the south have no restraint about what things they fornicate with, be it their cousin, a toaster oven or a bit of solid cholesterol pressed into a yellow rectangular form.



Recipes

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Paula's Fried Butter Balls

Ingredients
2 sticks butter
2 ounces cream cheese
Salt and pepper
1 cup all-purpose flour
1 egg, beaten
1 cup seasoned bread crumbs
Peanut oil, for frying

Many responses:
 
 
I was wrong. This is vile. I can't believe the food network has this recipe available on their website and even more so, I can't believe Paula Dean considered this something to make on a show. This is a horrible recipe.
 

 

—The damage has already been done.

HAHA DISREGARD THAT it's not her idea, this is very similar to a traditional German food called Sauerbraten, which are little balls of pork and pork fat that are either fried or baked. dumbass.

 
 
I would give an appendage to see her cholesterol count. This woman has ingested so much milk fat in her life that even cow's look at her and say "DAMN!". Paula, please, please, please eat a salad for once. I wonder if this woman would melt or sizzle if she laid out on the beach. What other cook would even consider publishing this recipe? This recipe is just wrong on so many levels.
 

 

—DAMN!

Hoecakes

Ingredients
Oil, butter, or clarified margarine, for frying
1/4 cup vegetable oil or bacon grease
1/3 cup plus 1 tablespoon water
3/4 cup buttermilk
2 eggs
1 tablespoon sugar
1 cup self-rising cornmeal, or from a mix (recommended: Aunt Jemima’s)
1 cup self-rising flour

Response:
 
 
These are the best especially with syrup dribbled all over.
 

 

Fatass

Paula Deen's Breakfast Cereal

Ingredients
2 tablespoons of cinnamon
2 or 3 egg whites
4 sticks of butter, melted
1 cup of Cheerios (this makes it heart-healthy)
1 cup of unsweetened chocolate
1/2 a cup of brandy
1 or 2 bags of sugar
A pinch of vanilla

Response:
 
 
Oh, suck on my chocolate salty balls.
 

 

a chef

SOUTHERN WOMAN SAYS NIGGER! FILM AT 11

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Last Thursday, our heroine admitted to using the word nigger in private. Food bloggers and reality TV connoisseurs were shocked and appalled that their favorite butterball used such racist language in the privacy of her own home, despite the woman being from fucking Georgia. After their tears were deep fried in butter and ass fat, Paula took to YouTube to issue the obligatory apology. Despite her heartfelt apology, Paula was fired from The Food Network.

EDiots were saddened to see this travesty, but most were aware that this is simply a necessary step in order to regain her position on TV, in order to keep killing white liberals by instructing them in the use of trans-fats as a weapon of mass destruction.

 
 
I want people to understand that my family and I are not the kind of people that the press is wanting to say we are.
 

 

We believe you, Paula

Gallery

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HAM ATTACK

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Related Articles

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External Links

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Paula Deen
is part of a series on
Food and Drink

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Featured article June 24 & 25, 2013
Preceded by
Kobe Bryant
Paula Deen Succeeded by
Hockey
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