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Open Source

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Open Sauce refers to a method of developing poor imitations of Microsoft products. In a radical break from traditional coding techniques, open source does away with teams of professional developers and instead relies on skript kiddies and basement-dwelling nerds with a only a tenuous grasp on good design and an odd fascination with their CPU usage.

The term "open source" is often thrown around as a gimmick meant to make something sound better than it really is, much like the labeling of foods as "organic". If you ask a Firefag why they use Firefox, they will always mention that it's "open source", even though 99% of them don't even know what that means, and the ones who do don't take advantage of it anyway.

Contents

Open Source Software Development

Open-source not just for software anymore — this company saved thousands by implementing an open-source IT e-solution

An open source project is run by one or more amateur developers, who completely control the number of features and level of functionality of the project. They must balance the competing needs of making their code usable enough to give them a feeling of superiority over Microsoft and other open source authors, but also making it complex enough to keep out poseurs and poor people. If most of the program's actual users disagree with how the program operates, tough. The developers' way is always "better, faster, and more efficient."

If you'll notice that most open source software gets rewritten constantly. Open Source advocates claim this is because open source products spur creativity. What actually happens is most open source programs so hard to use and the documentation so poor (e.g. gibberish manual, examples in their documents are wrong and do not work, gibberish error messages, abandoned wiki with intentionally wrong information.) that it actually takes less time to go through the program's code and rewrite it than try to figure it out.

Success(?) Stories

Every Open Source game ever.

Open source fanbois will immediately refer any critics to such success stories as Linux and Firefox. What they will forget to mention is that all of these programs are made of shit. They will also neglect to mention that open source games suck teh cock.

Open Source Fanboys

Typical Open Source fanboy. Also, the main force against open source. OMG DOUBLE AGENT SPY NINJA!

Open source fanbois often claim that this electronic garbage is superior to commercial software due to open source software's flexibility. Because, you know, you can reprogram it yourself to suit YOUR needs! I mean who DOESN'T totally re-write their OS just for kicks? They also claim that relying upon the greater community helps create logical, coherent code, or some other reason nobody listens to. This is because they are all horrible, horrible liars, and probably even communists.

The open source movement's very existence is powered and promoted solely by these fanboys, which form a hivemind community of deceived, zealous, cult-like puppets, all of whom treat their belief in open source like a religion. These enthusiasts dwell in the delusion that open source is democratic and fair, even though it is a fact that:

  1. the developers lack rationality, and
  2. the open source community is 99.9% grass roots supporters and users, not contributers, who therefore have no power over the next version of anything.

Some open source fanboys like to make programs in Microsoft's .NET Framework. Upon downloading a 50K program that promises to do everything in the world, you learn you have to download 100 megs of Microsoft's .NET libraries to make the program run. Nobody knows if any of the programs in .NET are real or hoaxes because nobody has downloaded the 100meg .NET libraries. DISREGARD THAT, I'M ON DIAL-UP.

Reasons to Make a Project Open Source

  1. The program is intended to do naughty things.
  2. The programmer has a severe case of unwarranted self importance.
  3. The programmer is involved in an E-Jihad with his e-nemies, usually Bill Gates.
  4. To support socialism
  5. If there is a bug report or feature request you're too lazy to implement, you have the built-in argument "I'm doing this in my spare time for free, you capitalist pig!"
  6. A real software company has gone tits-up and this is the only way the program will ever see the light of day.
  7. To appear on the open source-wide wanking website Ohlulz

Ownership

Open source software can often be bundled with more open source software.

As everyone knows, the true owner of all software is Microsoft. Despite this, open source's advocates engage in many a rational, cool-tempered discussions as to who controls the One True Sauce. This leads to much drama and many frivolous lawsuits.

Microsoft-Novell

In November of 2006, Novell (makers of a shitty Linux distribution), went in business with Microsoft with the apparent intention of helping Bill Gates destroy their industry from within. The deal lasted all of three weeks before the two companies allowed their mutual hatred to queer the deal[1].

List of abandoned open source apps

This phpbb developer enjoys butt sex, failed projects, and the matrix.

How can an "Open-Source" project be abandoned, can't people just come in and help? Fuck you, asshole! Being an open source developer means you bitch and cry whenever anyone half-competent tries to repair the trainwreck that is your code. Here are the projects which the open source programming ideology has totally ruined:

  • filezilla (ftp client) - delayed
  • firefox (homosexual browser) - gay
  • bersirc (irc client) - was good, bought-out, gpl'd, all to be abandoned
  • phpBB (php messageboard) - delayed, made of fail
  • xoops (php content management system) - ran by mean european kids
  • linux (operating system) - copy of unix and windows
  • Frets on Fire (Guitar Hero clone) - custom songs are shit and the game crashes every two seconds. Also from Finland.
  • openCola (soft-drink) - preferred beverage of open source fanboys who refuse to just buy Coke
  • Every single open source project ever
  • Australian rules Football

Eventual collapse of the global open sores scam

Observe that the open sores' essence clearly has the dynamics of a Ponzi:

  • every open sores project is started by a single person
  • or company in the hope to con more free labor into it,
  • which in turns creates incentives for other semi-programmers to participate
  • and so on
  • thereby expanding the "codebase" and "mindshare" to the degree of world domination
  • at which point all the semi-programmers will have a career
  •  ????
  • PROFIT!

In theory, this COULD work. However, virtually all open sores projects are complete non-starters already, and those few that are not will eventually exhaust the limited global supply of aspies willing to work for free. After all, there are only so many obese Star Trek-connoisseurs "living" in their corresponding mothers' basements and can afford to be unproductive and don't need hygiene or sunlight. The moment this supply ceases to last, open sores is OVER. Millions will die in desperation. Their corresponding mothers will retaliate by suffocating Richard Stallman with their corresponding fat asses. Good news/fun fact: only stupid people will be sad about all this. Microsoft ventriloquist puppets predict the collapse to happen around December 21st 2012 ("sucker peak"). Microsoft is the world's leader in software, innovation and prognostics, so you can bet a penny that the company ist right on the money with this shit nobody cares about except Steve Ballmer, who has dancing tourette or something.

Forks

List of all open source applications which are a fork or illegal reverse engineering of a closed source, enterprise app:

  • All of them
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