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Nice Guys

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Proof that absolutely nobody likes nice guys.
Said to be "an accurate representation of 'nice guy' hypocrisy", but it's so true!

What women say they want until they realize that a guy who just nods to everything they say in an attempt to get laid is just as bad as a jerk, except more boring.


Contents

A Nice Guy Vents

All women have proven time and time again to be stupid, evil bitches! I don't understand why women never want to go out with me! I'm such a nice guy! I hold doors open for them, I keep them company when their total bastard of a boyfriend dumps them, reassuring them that the guy was indeed a jerk, and even sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores while they pick out their favorite bras and underwear, but they never see me as boyfriend material! Why does that happen? Can't they see that I'd be perfect for them because I'm so nice and caring? Why do they settle for the bad boy jerk when they could have someone like me?

The enemy of nice guys everywhere. Beware them!
Typical nice guy hanging out with his girlfriend.

But I know what the problem is. It's not me, it's those conniving sluts and bitches who are at fault! They LIKE getting mistreated! They LIKE getting their hearts broken, and then breaking the hearts of their male friends (like me) who are trying to help them and pick up the pieces! We nice guys do everything for them, and they leech off our attention as long as they need to until they can get back on their feet and back into the dating game, where those asshole jerks lie in wait to dump them again! You see, we nice guys just don't get credit where it's due, here... But let me explain myself through an example of my own experience with such a woman.

One time I was playing GTA IV, I was scoring with all of the hot prostitutes on the street, and then killing them and getting my money back when they brought my health to the max. Don't judge me: I'm a nice guy, and those prostitutes had it coming because they're whores, after all. Anyway, I was about ready to use my rocket launcher on this poor black person like I always do when I need to blow off some steam, when this girl I've known and had a crush on for the longest time (we hang out sometimes, but she tells her friends we're "just friends") calls me in tears, asking me for help. Let's call her Bitch, because that's what she is!

Now, I've already said I'm a nice guy, so what do I do? I pause the game and begin talking to Bitch. Apparently she heard from a friend of a friend of another student's colleague that her boyfriend got a blow job from the school slut. Like every girl I've met (because they're ALL like this), Bitch threw a hissy fit and broke up with the jerk. "Score," I think, "this is the perfect opportunity to show her what a nice, supportive guy I am!"

For the next two hours, I comforted her, agreed that the guy was a stupid fuck, and that she deserved someone better. I never told her that I was the guy she was looking for, though, because I'm not disrespectful to women and vain like those other jerks are. No, I kept my mouth shut, because I knew that Bitch would realize that I cared. I figured that this time was a charm, because it can't be a coincidence that every other time I've done this to help my female friends, they didn't realize that I had a crush on them, too. "Women pick up on these things," I figured. "They're all emotionally-driven, and shit like that, right?"

I was wrong! The very next day at school, I see her in the arms of someone who I thought was a friend of mine (let's call him Bastard)! He was HUGGING her as she sobbed on his arms! My poor, innocent flower was in the arms of this until-now disguised jerk who was just after her body and not her emotions! I didn't confront them, though, because I knew that only a jerk does that, and I'm a nice guy. "She'll turn around," I told myself that night as I beat off to her profile pic on Facebook. "She'll see what a pathetic, desperate grab for attention Bastard was putting on."

The following day, I realized what a bastard Bastard really was all along. I tentatively contact Bitch on MSN, asking if there's anything I can do and if she is OK, and what does she tell me? She tells me that Bastard had consoled her and offered to take her out on a date to take her mind off her cheating ex! Bitch fell for Bastard's show of affection, when all he really wanted was her pussy, which should be mine! I'm the one who cares for her! I'm the nice guy here! With tears in my eyes, I accused her of toying with my emotions, of not reciprocating emotional intimacy with physical intimacy, and in general for not seeing what she had all along: me!

Like the bitch she is, Bitch blocked me from her MSN and didn't speak to me again. That cuntwhore! She doesn't deserve a nice guy like me anyway! Bastard's been dating her for three months now and they seem happy, but I know that she's going to get her heart broken by his jerkish ways. And guess who's not going to be there to comfort her when she runs to the phone, crying her eyes out?

It's not me that's the problem. Women are just too stupid to realize that there are nice guys like me out there who care for them. They're also so evil that they'll use up the emotion and care we devote to them, only to knock us back because they don't see us as boyfriend material, or because they don't realize that we, in fact, LIKE her like her. Worse, I've read some feminists on the internet say that nice guys like me are really misogynists, and that if I in fact cared for women and girls like Bitch, I wouldn't be pretending to be nice and acting like an asshole. What do those bitches know? I'm a nice guy, no matter what any of them say! Those women are just trying to justify their sluttish ways! "Sexual agency"? "Sexism"? "Misogyny"? What the fuck are they talking about?

God, I hate sluts, and I hate the feminists that try to paint me like I'm the bad guy here! You should all be ashamed of yourselves for making us nice guys become desperate for any kind of intimacy and stop us from losing our virginity with your calls for "gender equality" and "progressivism"! Go choke on some black guy's massive cock and die, feminist scum! Nice guys will prevail!

Revenge of the Nice Guys

Sometimes, nice guys get their revenge in other ways.

Because nice guys are typically hardworking and A students, they often become rich and successful by the time they're 40. This is when they can make up for years of involuntary virginity by sleeping around with 18 year olds who are more than willing to drop their panties once they hear how much the nice guy makes. These girls will also find the older nice guy's ability to use words of more than one syllable sophisticated. The odds are that the prom queen the nice guy was in love with is now fat and divorced. With luck, the nice guy will run into her when he attends his high school reunion with his trophy wife.

A Specimen Emerges on the Tubes of the Jews

Now class, we've been given the opportunity to study a nice guy in his wild habitat on the internets. Be sure to take notes. First, note the desperate need to rationalize the situation. The nice guy needs to think that there's a scientific explanation for his virginity and lack of ability to get laid. He might make philosophical excuses for his ineptitude or he may use pseudo-scientific theories. Anything to keep him from looking in the mirror and realizing he's a nasty fuck. Secondly, note that (at around 5.00) he devises manipulative schemes to gain psychological influence over the people around him. This is how nice guys actually operate in their day-to-day lives because they are passive-aggressive cowards. Thirdly, he then goes on to discuss his lack of friends which he again tries to rationalize even though its more likely that people just got sick of his desperate attempts to manipulate them.

Conclusion: don't turn out like this friendless loser. Smash your keyboard and act like a dick in the real world.


The Archetypal Nice Guy

Here we see the permavirgin Nice Guy in his natural state: alone in his bedroom. He argues that he wants and even motherfucking DESERVES a "hot chick" despite being fattier than buttered popcorn wrapped in bacon. He claims to be a nice guy and then goes on to dictate the rules for his potential ladyfriend (no drink, no smoking, no drugs).



Women Can Be Nice Guys Too... Not

There is no female equivalent to the Nice Guy. Even the most obese, vile and ugly cunt animal will always be able to get laid with zero effort, as there is no shortage of desperate freaks with more libido than self-respect. Of course, this never stops said cunt animals from bitching and whining about being denied a male-exclusive label (as their ilk always does), all the while seething with envy at their more popular sisters. Their standard procedure is then to promptly choke down their sorrows with fried food and chocolate, and then post a disjointed message about the unfairness of it all at their blogs.

How To Get Rid of a Nice Guy Who Is After Your Woman

Nice guys, not being nice at all, often try to steal another man's girlfriend, especially a girlfriend with a long-distance relationship with her boyfriend because that's how those sleazy, underhanded bastards roll. So-called nice guys love to get crushes on other guys' girlfriends and follow them like puppies and badmouth the boyfriend. It's all too common, and all too pathetic. So what do you do if you're at one school, your lady friend is at another, and there's some dopey undergrad flattering the hell out of her, trying to get some approval and maybe a kiss and furtive grope?

No, you don't have to kill him.

Try this. Some guy, let's call him "Brian," had a girlfriend at a school in Lexington, Ky. when he was going to grad school. Brian heard about this would-be suitor before he went to visit his girlfriend whom we'll call "Maria." Brian invited this nice-guy dope to a party in Maria's room and plied everyone with alcohol. Pretty soon, everyone was playing "Truth or Dare." He dared this guy to kiss his girlfriend while he watched, stripped down to his underwear. Maria's roommate was sitting there stripped down to her bra and panties and obviously aroused. There were a couple of other spectators who were too wussy to play. Anyway, Maria slobbered drunkenly all over the dope's face and fell back, her big brown tits bobbing out of her burgundy Victoria's secret bra, a half-moon of a 3 inch wide coffee colored nipple sticking out. The nice-guy fuck got disgusted and left, never to contact Maria again.

Problem solved! Then Brian fucked her so hard she almost turned white while the roommate furtively watched from her bunk. Debauchery is always the best policy.

The Cure for Nice Guyism

Women say they want nice guys. Women know fuck-all. Grow some balls and give her a slap. This is not sexist - battered wives never leave their husbands even though there are women's shelters all over the place.

Further Information for Desperate Nice Guys Like Me

I totally agree with... wait, is this saying nice guys are bad? Confused nice guy is confused!

External Links with Valuable Insights on Nice Guys

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