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Jew York City

From Encyclopedia Dramatica

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Tetris—"Terror" edition.
Haha, oh wow.
Somewhere in there is a person from Los Angeles who just realized that his city AND state sucks.
If you're a tourist, a yuppie, or a hipster, this is all you need to know. (Notice there are barely any stations and lines in the Bronx, Queens and a large portion of Brooklyn.)
Mayor Kike Bloomberg speaks with the City Council

Do you like getting shot at by niggers? Do you enjoy paying $4,000 a month for a roach-infested, one-room apartment? Do you want to live in a place where nobody speaks English, including the white Americans? Does having to constantly watch out for muggers and pickpockets when walking the streets appeal to you? If so, then Noo Yawk Fuckin' City is definitely the place for you. Featuring homelessness of epidemic proportions, the highest AIDS rate in the country, and a completely corrupt and incompetent government, New York City is known far and wide as America's Asshole. Like all assholes, New York City continually emits gargantuan quantities of waste; it can be seen from over 300 miles away by the seething, grayish cloud of filth that continually rises up from the city.

In New York City, everyone hates everyone else, and yet New Yorkers are 500% sure that they are living "in da best fuckin' place on Oith!!!!!11111". Having no real virtues or accomplishments of their own, New Yorkers pride themselves on being New Yorkers in the same way that toothless, weeks-unwashed Ku Klux Klan hillbillies pride themselves on being members of the Master Race. They also believe that their crude, incomprehensible accent is an indelible badge of superiority, and that New York's crime rate, which is higher than many parts of Sub-Saharan Africa, is actually a tribute to the toughness of the people of New York City. However, everyone knows that New Yorkers are a collection of obese, alcoholic, ignorant, sub-human, violent brutes that prove that Darwin was really, really, REALLY fucking stupid.

Contents

History

A typical day for Mayor Bloomberg.

New York City was originally hilly forests inhabited by Indians. However, when the Dutch settled the island, they used a variety of original and creative tactics to get rid of the Indians: a.) murder; b.) murder; c.) bribery; and d.) murder. After this had happened, the Dutch began pimping out their own children to the British, one of their deepest and most respected cultural traditions. This wasn't satisfactory for the British, who conquered New York City, killed most of the Dutch, and began planning in detail how to make the most vile, disgusting, and hate-filled metropolis possible, all for the lulz. Hence, the British decided that prostitution, drugs, alcohol, illiteracy, and pure seething vitriol would form the basis of New York City's economy. As all these things were exported to the rest of the world in enormous quantities, New York's infamy grew. Eventually, New Yorkers developed a life-threatening case of unwarranted self-importance for living in a city dedicated to the worst possible forms of depravity and viciousness, a quality that they retain to this very day.

Recently, New York City has been hit by increasingly weird and violent weather, but New Yorkers being New Yorkers, they still believe it was caused by UFOs instead of global warming.

People

There are no people in New York City, just sociopathic honkies, thuggish niggers, lazy spics, and greedy Indians and Jews. All of these various ethnic groups believe themselves to be superior to everyone else, and yet all of them are equally repulsive and vile. Because of this, Noo Yawk City has one of the highest interracial crime rates in the country. Whites are routinely murdered and raped by blacks, blacks are routinely murdered by the police, Asians are routinely deported to hell-holes in Southeast Asia (even if they are American citizens), and Indians and Jews routinely steal from everyone, including each other.

All the government functionaries in New York City, including the police, are far too obese to walk, and far too stupid to communicate via human language. Therefore, all of them rely on their guns for their efforts at communication, murdering civilians as a matter of course. However, none of them are ever punished in any way, due to the complete corruption of New York City's government. New York's mayor, Mike Bloomberg, has enough money to solve all of New York's problems forever, but has thus far refused to donate even a penny toward the well-being of his "beloved" city. And yet, New Yorkers continue to elect him by a landslide, over and over again, because they love their hate-filled, violent city just the way it is.

The Boroughs

For those who wish to know, here are the boroughs:

  • Manhattan - This borough is populated by two kinds of people: extremely rich, extremely sociopathic white people, and murderous, conscienceless black and Hispanic thugs. The Upper East Side is populated entirely by the former; these degenerate honkies will smile at you and pretend to like you, all the while attempting to convince you to fork over your life savings to them by purchasing some hideously overpriced piece of garbage, or by signing a contract wholly to their advantage. These honkies also enjoy amassing huge fortunes off of the suffering, starvation and death of Third World peoples (e.g., the Wall Street sociopaths). Harlem, on the other hand, is populated by niggers and spics so vicious and conscienceless that they kill any white person who dares to set foot in Harlem within five minutes of their arrival. Chelsea, otherwise known as the Gay Capital of New York, is populated by pretentious, narcissistic, flaming homosexual men, each of whom believes himself to be the only important person in all of existence. Not surprisingly, one out of twenty-four people living in Chelsea has HIV/AIDS; it has been scientifically proven that people can become infected with HIV by merely by looking at anyone living in this hell-hole.
  • Staten Island - This borough has more landfills than actual people, and is therefore known as the Garbage Capital of the World. Other than having landfills big enough to be small countries, Staten Island is remarkable for having absolutely nothing of value within its borders. There are no good places to eat, no places of any cultural significance, and no places with any aesthetic beauty whatsoever. It is populated by ignorant nobodies so forgettable that they have never been counted in any local or national census.
  • The Bronx - This borough is exactly like Harlem, except it has the added bonus of being home to hundreds of gangs that rape, murder and steal whenever they feel like it. If you value your life, don't come within five miles of this shit-hole.
  • Brooklyn - Also known as Kings County, Brooklyn is home to arrogant, belligerent Guidos who spend their entire lives tanning, smoking pot, sleeping around, and speaking with a hilariously unintelligible accent. They are extremely proud of their Italian heritage, and incessantly babble about how Italians are the greatest people ever to exist. If you point out that this is racist, they will take great offense, and may bitchslap you across the face for "insulting their heritage". Recently, Brooklynites have converted to a new monotheistic religion dedicated to the worship of Snookie. It is rumored that in order to join this religion, you have to be baptized with home-made tomato sauce, spray-on tan, and the fecal-smelling perfumes that Guidos always wear.
  • Queens - Also known as Queens County, Queens is basically a collage of all the aforementioned boroughs, rolled up into one big ball of interracial hatred and epic fail. Fully half of all Queens residents are foreign-born, about a third of which are illegal. These immigrants have formed communities of their own that are almost completely segregated in terms of ethnicity. As a result, Queens is basically a collection of dozens of tiny countries that all hate one another like the Nazis hated the Jews. The resulting butthurt and drama is so intense that it can be scientifically measured via the detection of radio waves. Another result of these warring ethnic enclaves is the complete inability for any Queens resident to speak English. If you go to Queens, you must be fluent in Russian, Swahili, Hindi, Polish, Italian, Ebonics, Chinese, Korean, Japanese, Arabic, Spanish, Portuguese, Thai, Greek, Bulgarian, Albanian, Vietnamese, Burmese, Farsi, Turkish, Zulu, Berber, Malagasy, Mongolian, and Kazakh. Otherwise, you will find yourself stranded there, unable to travel or even order food, mired in the AIDS and fail that is Queens County. On the bright side, the New York Mets are native to Queens; given their history of failure, this should surprise nobody.
NY Gallery About missing Pics

9/11

9/11 is the source of many internet lulz

The phone number for emergency services.

Best response time to date: 28 days, 6 hours, 42 minutes, and 12 seconds.

Fun Fact: New Yorkers subconsciously love the fact that 9/11 happened; it gives them an excuse to vent their rage via cluster bombs dropped on every mud-walled village in the Middle East, the kind filled with starving, unarmed civilians.

Upstate

File:Real housewives of albany.jpg
There's culture upstate too! Really!

Upstate New York comes in two varieties: the urban areas, which are populated with murderous niggers and spics, and the rural parts, which are populated by fat, greasy, ignorant, gun-toting hillbillies indistinguishable from Southern rednecks. Albany is filled with slick, manipulative lobbyists and other bureaucratic scum; Syracuse and Rochester are two of the vilest slums in all of America; and Buffalo is a city that nobody will ever care about. In short, there's a very good reason why the speed limit of the New York State Thruway is 90 miles an hour; nobody in his right mind would ever want to linger there even for a moment.

Long Island

NYC's former governor elect Elliot SPITTER is secretly a venomous primitive reptile, which perfectly explains why he's ugly as fuck.
NYC's ex-governor Elliot SPITZER was exposed by super-secret government agents to be a client of a high-end prostitution ring in a sex sting operation.
.
NYC's ex-governor Elliot SPITZER getting his freak on with a high-end prostitute in a still from a super-secret government video filmed on hidden camera.

Home to The Hamptons, Long Island is one of the richest areas in the nation. It is also the 13th most populated island in the world. These two factors combine to create the Emo Capital of the World, the place with the most emos both per capita and per square mile. These emo rich kids pretend to be permanently depressed over the fact that their daddies weren't home enough (because they were slaving away at their jobs to provide the necessary money to live on Long Island), or that someone was mean to them once in 6th grade, or because life doesn't have any meaning, blah blah blah fucking blah. When these emos graduate college, of course, they become Wall Street sociopaths that say and do everything they pretended to oppose when they were teenagers. Long Island is also home to endless hordes of honkies for whom dishonesty is a whole way of life; they will smile at you when you're around, and then say every terrible thing possible about you when you're not present. They are also so intolerant and tight up the ass that they will ostracize you for having a shoelace come undone, or for having less than perfect hair. Who would want to live in a place like this? The answer is easy: New Yorkers.

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Featured article September 11, 2005
Preceded by
George Bush doesn't care about black people
Jew York City Succeeded by
9/11

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