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Narutard

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A typical fangirl of Naruto.

A rabid fan of the ninja anime Naruto. Frequently is, as the name implies, retarded. They worship so called "ninjas" that wear BRIGHT fucking ORANGE and have an honor code preventing sneak attacks and poisonings. Even among animes, this show has an eerie lack of substance, with most of the drama focusing on two disappointingly ugly and terrible wannabe ninjas trying to find the "he's so emo and cool" Sasuke ninja.

Narutards enjoy dressing up like one dimensional fictional characters that do not develop and only exist to milk faggots and fat weaboos of all their monthly allowance in exchange for shitty 'authentic' (lol jk they're made in China) cosplay outfits and whatever dignity and IQ points they had left.

Narutards stick out in society more than your dick does when you find CP. They are to have their skulls bashed in and bodies thrown into a vat of acid at the first sighting of A) those headbands that look like tracking devices paedophiles wear on their ankles upon release, B) fat girls wielding Sasuke dolls in their hammy fists with lard rolls crammed into kimonos or C) pocky/ramen/sushi being consumed like that of a black hole. In extreme cases, which is over 100% of the time, it's a combination of all three.

Avoid at all costs.

Contents

Social habits

A typical fanboy of Naruto.
What happens when a Narutard somehow gets a bunch of money. Does anyone have any gasoline and matches?

Narutards will generally only leave their basement to go to anime cons; thanks to eBay, they don't even need to scour the local anime store to try to find that rare one-inch tall trinket of Sakura that they only made over 9,000 of they keep finding in their dreams at night. Nor do they ever have to go out to buy food; that's what mommy is for. Besides, contact with the outside world is not necessary due to the fact that someone cannot be a fan of Naruto and be a functioning member of society at the same time.

Most socializing goes on in the form of one of the millions of Naruto-centric chatrooms or forums that rape precious, precious bandwidth. Once in awhile, two Narutards will get that special feeling about one another, and under the cover of night, slink out to their hand-me-down 1992 Geo that has been sitting under a tarp for months.

With anticipatory wetness making its way through their pants, they will drive at least 100 miles away and knock on the basement door of the other Narutard, as per the very specific instructions they were given over AIM. When the door opens and they find themselves staring at their other-gendered counterpart: a fat, dumpy, white basement dweller wearing a shirt with Sasuke's face on it, with two sharp points on either side of his ears where their nipples are begging to be sucked (interestingly, both male and female Narutards frequently are the same cupsize).

After nervously trying to find their way through the folds of fat to locate genitalia and then spending three hours trying to have sex, they drive their Geo back home, listening to Morning Musume and crying, realizing that they have now joined the ranks of wapanese who will never actually fuck the azn they so vehemently fantasize about. The next day, they are officially married according to their signatures on their sacred forum, and a HUEG virtual ceremony takes place when the webmaster types out some long-winded bullshit about love; all dreams about moving to Japan to collect trinkets there and become a l33t white ninja: gone, like so many days and nights wasted in front of their computer, jerking off to their pathetic dreams.

Nine months later, an asspie is born. This asspie may do something like ask one of his little friends to recreate scenes in Naruto, such as the "Sand Burial", which would ultimately kill him. In fact, this happened once already in Seattle, where a young boy asked his friend to do it, and he died. In fact, here is the proof of such: Asspie in Action. Nothing of value was lost.

Closet Narutard

Closeted Narutard

A closeted Narutard is one who spends the entirety of his/her life in their parents basement, only breaking from Naruto to dig out that last crusty bit of ketchup that fell into their cavernous navel. This breed of Narutard can be much more dangerous as they dress like us, talk like us and walk among us. However when hunting closet Narutards, the trained eye can easily see that these people will ultimately fail to function in society, and are quite easy to pinpoint.

Leave my fucking YouTube alone, you fucking asspies

Type in anything from "presidential debate Obama Hillary" to "extreme Volvo drift" and you'll come up with more Naruto fan videos than the actual thing you're looking for. Want to see your favorite band's music video? Well, why watch something that was directed by an actual director and starred real artists when you can watch Naruto spinning around and kicking things and then getting vortex eyes when it's implied someone touched his ass?

So bad are the proliferation of Narutard submissions that even other anime have had their visuals replaced with hastily-cut, disjointed, out-of-sequence scenes from Naruto. Before too long, every lulzy "zomg R.I.P. LITTLE WEASEL u were my boo <3 <3" memorial video; every clip of the U.N. condemning Israel for having flush toilets; every commercial from the 1970's will have a counterpart that is an orange-and-blue jumpsuit dancing around like a faggot. There will be no escape.


The illusion he saw was a world without watermelon.

S& hero

The distinctive markings of a Narutard.
Codey Porter, s& hero

EVERETT - In the fantasy world of animated ninja warriors, the superheroes sometimes slip away from bad guys by hiding in the sand.

No superhero could rescue a 10-year-old Everett boy who died Monday after trying to recreate the trick.

Codey Porter apparently was mimicking Japanese anime superheroes Saturday when he asked friends to bury him in a backyard sandbox. He stopped breathing.

Playmates told adults the boy was recreating a scene from Naruto, a popular Japanese animated cartoon show, said Joshua Quantrille, 30, Codey's half brother. One character, Gaara of the Sand, fights by immobilizing opponents in the sand.

"Gaara has a sand demon locked inside of him. He can basically manipulate sand," Houston said.

On the TV show, Naruto's youth and powers help him escape, Houston said.

Children sometimes mimic what they see on television, Dr. Donald Schifrin said. He's a Bellevue physician who helps track the influence of the media for the American Academy of Pediatrics.

"Children can learn behavior from watching television," he said.[1]

 
 
Trust me, it'll work.
 

 

—The Sand Mastah

Gallery of Sad

About missing Pics

Narutard PissTube Sperg Videos

See also


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Narutard is part of a series on

Anime

Visit the Anime Portal for complete coverage.

Featured article July 4 & July 5, 2011
Preceded by
Rules of the Internet
Narutard Succeeded by
White Devils
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