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Mortal Kombat

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Mortal Kombat is a gimmicky cash-in on Street Fighter 2. The gimmick is cartoon blood and finishing moves which got boring ever since every other Mature-rated game came to be. While the series showed the level of outrage that Republicans can whip up to distract the world from what they do in their private lives, since Mortal Kombat 3 it has provided the industry with an example of a franchise that should've been allowed to die peacefully in its sleep a long, long time ago. It features a cast of characters who have, over the course of two decades, failed to develop at all.

Contents

Characters

Liu Kang: Stereotypical oriental with the ability to shoot fireballs and destroy eardrums at will with his high-pitched screams. Surprised he can even fight taking notice of the fact that you can blindfold him with floss; then again, he's the first game protagonist to actually fuck up and get killed.

Johnny Cage: Glasses-wearing douche that does splits and punches men in the nuts.

Sonya Blade: Unable to master cooking when growing up, she became the bitchiest cop in the world. Her fatality is burning opponents alive with a mere kiss.

Kano: Killed Sonya's partner. Why this has anything to do with entering the tournament is a secret revealed only by defeating Goro.

Raiden: Thunder god who constantly has his ass kicked by the very mortals he oversees. In the reboot, he's fired for picking such shitty people to defend Earth, and is responsible for the deaths of 3/4 of the cast.

Goro: Four armed prince made of clay.

Shang Tsung: Sorcerer with the ability to transform into the same weaklings he is out to destroy.

Ninja Recolors

  • Sub-Zero: Which one? There's the classic one, the gay unmasked MK3 one, the one that becomes Noob Saibot, the one that becomes Cyber Sub-Zero, and Frost. Not like it matters since they all do the same shit.
  • Scorpion: Sub-Zero, only he throws spears while shouting "Get over here!" Needless to say, he has achieved immense popularity.
  • Reptile: Lizard that spits.
  • Smoke: Smoking powers, yeah betcha' that'd be real useful.
  • Rain: Water powers, a far improvement over freezing assholes and breaking them into a million pieces.
  • Ermac: Ninja that was a glitch in the first game, and then they had the bright idea of making him an actual character.

Slut Recolors

  • Kitana: The 10,000 year old Princess of Edenia and Liu Kang's love-interest, apparently he's into older chicks.
  • Mileena: Kitana's uglier, sluttier sister. Apparently cloned by Shang Tsung.
  • Jade: The slutty ninja that likes the color green. Like Kitana, she is also 10,000 years old and the only reason she's still a character is because the game developers need someone for Kitana to have a lesbian relationship with. Her bust size is 36D.
  • Sindel: Kitana's mom. Queen of Edenia who made it a law that no girls can wear pants and that guys have to wear tights.
  • Tanya: Negress who puts people's heads between her vagina and thighs, holding that position for some time while she is screaming, then breaking their necks.
  • Skarlet: Cuts her opponent's neck and splashes their blood on her face. Hawt, isn't it? Wait! There's MOAR!!!! The other fatality is stabbing herself and turns into a pool of blood then shoots tentacles from the ground to rape the opponent and then cuts their stomach open and takes a bath under them. Kind of kinky isn't it?

Kung Lao: Liu Kang with a hat that splits people in half, which makes no sense since half the battle has him throwing it.

Jax: Nigger with metal arms that yells "GOTCHA!" whenever he gropes you. Works with Sonya to keep his rape habit under the radar.

Shao Kahn: The main bad guy. When you lose to Noob Saibot, he makes the fact that you suck official. In one of the games, he sounds like he's having an orgasm on the Finish Him! screen.

Stryker: Has no superhuman powers, but fuck it, Raiden's gotta get a league of moralfags somewhere.

Sheeva: Bitch so ugly, she's compensated with the ability to give four handjobs simultaneously.

Kintaro: Sheeva's four-armed tiger brother.

Sektor/Cyrax: Evil robotic ninjas with nukes and missiles that still got their metal asses handed to them by the mallcops and Asians.

Quan Chi: Shang Tsung's replacement, because Shang Tsung didn't kiss Shao Khan's ass enough.

Mavado: Spaniard who likes leather and whips.

Hsu Hao: Series' main source of communism. All he does is be Korean for one hour of the game and then gets killed.

Li Mei: Girl Liu Kang whose cartwheels are the series' main source of panty shots.

Sareena: Former satanist whose sisters were killed by the old Sub-Zero, so she decided to have sex with him and convert to Buddhism. Shinnok didn't like this so he killed her. She came back to life, but she couldn't perform fatalities anymore, so Sub-Zero #2 though that he might as well have another ho on his team.

Reiko: Raver who gets high on ecstasy and bones Rain in the ass every other night. He wants to be Shao Khan one day, but no one seems to care about him enough to elect him.

Shujinko: A senile old man who was told he would save the world if he gathered 6 sacred, hidden, and extremely powerful artifacts and gave it to a red sparkly cloud. The cloud turned out to be the evil dragon king and then went to destroy the world. Nice going, asshole.

Guest Characters

  • Kratos: Best way to troll Xbox 360 fanboys since you can only play as him on the PS3/Vita version.
  • Freddy Krueger: Seriously Midway? And he's not even the one from the original series, he's the one from the crappy remake!

Videos

Liu Kang being a cheap juggling cunt
Mortal Kombat was eventually made into a movie that performed surprisingly well in the box office
The sequel however was unable to live up to the high standards set by the pilot film

Previous Video  |  Next Video

Official iProduct

As if the godawful movie sequel didn't assrape the series enough, in a brilliant move EA an Warner Brothers have further raped a great legacy game by tossing a shitty port onto apple iProducts. Play a game that requires no less than 8 buttons and multi-directional spin moves on your touch screen... Fucking idiots. Also Kintaro is a warping cunt, and will turn your asshole inside out while you smash buttons in futile prison rape frustration.

Gallery

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See Also

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