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Mass Effect

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It all comes tumbling down...


Character continuity at its best

Mass Effect is an RPG/Shooter from those nerds at Bioware that also brought you such classics as KotOR and Baldur's Gate. The game focuses on complex game mechanics such as shooting people from behind cover and picking which gun to shoot people with. The game's deep story revolves around Miranda's giant ass and tits nuking people, killing aliens, getting fucked by differenter aliens, buying things, flying a spaceship around, shooting guns, talking to people, dying twice, and generally leading all of life to get killed by the Rapers.

Contents

Gameplay

Mass Effect

SpaceCoke.jpg

Mass Effect 1 has slightly better storytelling compared to the sequels, but suffers from low production values, mediocre gameplay and a very narrow scope compared to what it obviously wanted to be

The game itself has the horrible combat mechanics. Your guns have unlimited ammo and can only overheat. Enemies use blue hexagon shields that just need to be shot at to disappear. Both of these features don't appear anywhere in the sequels and were retconned to hell. Aside from that you're able to drive around on planets in your overpowered vehicle and scout for treasures, bases and ressources. All of this grinding is entirely pointless, as it has no effect on anything in the sequels.

The gameplay features a lot of talking to people in the form of Bioware's unique dialogue system. It's supposed to be innovative and allow for a varied and dynamic conversation, but it basically boils down to a few key points:

  • Option 1: Good person answer.
  • Option 2: Bad person answer.
  • Option 3: Middle of the road person answer.
  • Option 4: Please keep talking.

No one chooses option 4. If I wanted to learn about your stupid Mass Effect universe, I'd go listen to the menu's 80-something hours of contrived nonsense. PROTIP: If you hit the X button or the spacebar it makes them stop talking.


Missions - The game is separated in to main story missions and side quests. The main quests are the only decent part of the game. The side quests consist of riding around in your vehicle that controls like a remote-control car, and finding interesting things to do on different planets. The only downside to these missions is that there aren't interesting things to do. Bioware thought they could pull a fast one on us and basically copy/paste every single explorable planet and change up the story a little bit and no one would notice. It becomes painfully obvious when you see the exact same building or underground complex twenty times.

Inventory Management - Have you ever tried to use Microsoft Excel Spreadsheet when you didn't have a keyboard and also couldn't see the screen and were trying to plot data points concerning every fiscal transaction ever made in the history of the world while being repeatedly stabbed in the neck by an 12 year old who is also screaming 80s pop songs in your ear? Well get used to it.


Another portion of the gameplay revolves around riding elevators. The third portion of the gameplay is shooting stuff. Until it dies. Oh ya, and you can also use psychic powers or something.

The greatest feature of this game series is the ability to punch some fucking nigger cunt fox pundit in the face for being fucking dumb enough to try to talk to you about you fucking things up throughout the games.

Mass Effect 2

The sequel to 2007's Mass Effect, Mass Effect 2, saw several changes to both story and gameplay. For example, it introduced a reloading function which made about as much sense in the story as, well, the rest of the story. The combat was improved and the plot made much "deeper". Basically, you collect pet hamsters and model ships and can attempt to romance one of the hot aliens, such as Jacob. Every nerd's delusional dream. The entire game revolves around collecting a crew of batshit insane douchebags so you can go on a suicide mission and to destroy a forward outpost of the Reapers.

Unfortunately, no Fox News story about naked chicks this time ... instead you get a dating simulator where you can basically fuck almost everyone on the ship, fully clothed of course.

This sequel introduces the Renegade and Paragon interrupt options, which basically mean when a little sign flashes on your screen you can get the talking person to stop, saving you whatever sanity you have left. It also features Gears of War's third-person cover system, making the game even fucking easier.

They also completely removed the tedious inventory system. Instead you get to waste your time by flying to planets and scanning them for ressources so you can afford all the upgrades you need.

Mass Effect 3

Gameplay-wise nothing has changed compared to ME2. They added some new enemies, and because of console limitations, had to remove the holster weapon animation. So you're basically running around with Shepard all the time pointing his gun at everything.

The game has been raped story-wise. It is on the level of Star Wars Episode 1 compared to the old trilogy.

There is not a single piece of pay-to-play DLC, including the Prothean Day 1 On Disc DLC, that doesn't completely fucking ruin the game's canon and/or play out like a ridiculous fan fiction written by a fucking high school student.

Citadel DLC - It's basically everything wrong with Mass Effect in one final DLC.

What was once Revelation Space: THE GAME, has become a fucking space based slice of life anime. From a grand space opera with an interesting setting, story, and characters to rival that of a 70s science fiction novel to a fucking space based slice of life tumblrfest.

There's nothing going on in that DLC, it's just characters doing something retarded. It's not a gaming DLC, it's something losers with no lives substitute with actual social interaction, and that whole DLC is full of it. It's a weird engine for weird lonely people to self insert themselves into and make themselves feel better about their own lack of a social life.

They just embarrassed themselves with this DLC. Most of the inside joke/referential humor will go over the head of anyone who doesn't frequent the BSN. The "quality" of the interaction is groan-worthy. The DLC misleads the player about the nature of how they'll get ME2 squadmates back on their squad (it's just in a simulator, not in any missions). This DLC is supposed to be a send-off for the series and an opportunity for everyone to get some more time in with their favorite bros. What sucks about it is that it's poorly-written, awkward, misleading fanpandering backed up by a laughable plot. A Shepard clone? Not so far-fetched, if it had been done justice, but it wasn't, and such a concept should have been done in the base game.

Bioware's a full-on insular developer now with no interest in anyone or anything that isn't EA, their BSN fanbase, or the LGBLTBBQ crowd.

Plot

YEAAAAAHHHHH

Mass Effect 1

Some years in the future, humanity has discovered on Mars the ruins of an dead and technologically advanced sentient race (absolutelly not a sci-fi cliché), and surprise, it is full of schematics and other stuff which explains how to travel faster than light. That -and the discovery that Pluto's moon, Caronte, is a frozen Stargate- has enabled humanity to join the ranks of a UN-like gallactic organitzation, where all the races can freely whine, pay for some Asari prostitute and accomplish nothing.

A few years later, the player takes the role of Captain Kir...I mean, Commander Shepard, a rookie space agent in a glorious quest to seek and destroy another special agent, Saren, who has gone rouge (Which you learn this from some random unimportant dock worker) and allied himself with the Reapers, a race of giant space squidheaded robot-douchebags(literally), and in Mass Effect 2's case, the terminator -who, from time to time, decide they want to exterminate all advanced organic life (not you), for no apparent reason and run off laughing, (seriously wtf) and its army of mindless robots (in fact, in this game you only kill zombies, robots or brainwashed people) As the plot thickens, it is revealed that Saren has decided to abide the genocidal vision of his new masters because he thinks that his/its/their return is inevitable, so, if organics help them, maybe they will be spared. Of course, all of this is bullshit. As is stated during the game, the Reapers need the help of Saren because they are trapped in the cold and unforgiving void between the galaxies, so they are effectively unable to exterminate nobody. So: Their return is inevitable if, and only if, someone helps them to return, if not, they are a bunch of losers doomed to a horrible existence of endogamy. Therefore, the only reason their return and mass killing is inevitable is because... well, because someone helps them so they return and mass killing becomes inevitable. Sarem could have said them a sane Fuck you, I'm not your bitch.

There is also something about the Reapers brainwashing people, but it is also stated that brainwashing cannot override freewill and conserve highly complex cognitive processes at the same time, making the aforementioned brainwash a long and irreversible process of continuous mental degeneracy which ends in the total and utterly destruction of the subject's ego and mental capabilities (ie. zombified) So yeah, the history is as logical as if someone caged in a prison warns you that he wants to rape you and all your friends, but you believe that freeing him will somehow spare you and your friends from your inevitable Mass Rape (wat?).

Besides, the game has no decent cleavage so it sucks anyway.

Mass Effect 2

The game designers, aware of the shortcomings of ME1 plot, decided to write a new thrilling and immersive story, thereby expanding ME lore, cleavage and intellectual appeal to new levels of success.

Mass Effect 2 follows the erotic and pointless adventures of Commander Shepard after he saved the galaxy from being eaten by giant omnivorous machines. The game begins with the destruction of Shepard's spaceship by unknown enemies, a nuisance that sends the breathless -literally- Shepard to the space. Somehow Shepard's body is rescued and almost resurrected by human supremacist scientists working for the Illusive Man -a ME1 terrorist bad guy now turned good guy- who informs Shepard that humanity is under attack , entire human colonies are being abducted by Reaper's mindless slaves and that nobody gives a fuck about that. Having nothing better to do and no life whatsoever, Shepards decides to save humanity.

Instead of making Shepard do the smart thing and blow up the Reaper base with the nuke you used during Jack's loyalty mission, the developers thought it would be a better idea if you spent a good 15 hours in a circle jerk trying to recruit new squad members. Those that do join you are dumbasses and can't kill for shit. They are unique in that they all have the same characteristics (ie.work for free, eat shit and die), a task so difficult that everyone says it's a suicide mission. Nevertheless, you have to play REALLY bad to die, in fact, the normal survival rate is much greater than in 'Nam or any other war : 100%

Once the team is ready Shepard infiltrates the Collectors base, where he discovers the truth behind the human abductions: they are being liquefied so their genetic material can be used to create new Reapers. This is an idea that has much sense because, as everyone knows, to have the DNA of something you have to kill it first; that's why when the police needs your genetic material you have to choose which one has to be grinded and liquefied, your brother or your sister. Besides, during the game it is implied that the Reapers are doing this to save humanity through destruction, so they can gain greater levels of complexity, consciousness and meaning. That also has much sense and it's absolutely not a sci-fi cliché.

At the end of the game, to decide the fate of humankind, Shepard fights with a giant aborted Terminator fetus. GOTY 2010!!!111

Mass Effect 3

The "logic" behind the Reapers.

Rumor has it that Bioware decided to screw over the last remaining fantards whom still look forward to the story's ending by giving the game one ending and one ending only where everything and everyone is basically boned. In a series which was mostly famous for giving the player multiple endings. A few Biodrones are furious about this sudden lack of freedom but others decided that if they'd actually fork out cash for a Happy Ending DLC then all would be right with the world. This is probably E.A.'s intention for maximum profit, considering Biodrones seem to have no idea about the terms imagination or "Fuck Bioware". Some players have taken the conclusion so badly, they've decided that all the endings were nothing but a bad dream induced by listening to too many David Tanny tracks, the last hour of gameplay means nothing and the real ending is Shepard lying in a pile of rubble at Piccadilly circus. You be the judge. What made this ordeal enjoyable was that every neckbeard in the world cried to the fact that their Shepard never would have reunion-sex with their Waifu. This in turn would lead to the foundation of a movement filled with aspies and hectical Arabs to show BioWaer that they mean serious business.

Basicly the whole point of the game is sucking enough cocks to get ships and manpower for the final battle to buy you some time while you plug some machine to the citadel, so far it's not (terribly) bad, then it gets batshit insane because you realize that the guy controlling the reapers is a 6 year old space ghost (who dies at the beginning of the game which gave shepard nightmares that make no sense even though during the whole saga you can make choices like throwing some guy out the window, electrocute some guy to death, killing innocents, or genocide but you'd rather cry over a kid you saw in the vents right ?)that tells you that everything is fucked and you have to choo- oh, wait.But then you realize you just built a machine (that's easy to build apparently) that fuses all organic and synthetic life in the galaxy together, rewriting their DNA without having any idea how it happened,then you have to make a choice that doesnt mean shit and to do that you have to make something stupid like having to shoot a red coloured tube to destroy all synthetics (space magic).

A cliché ending where Shepard gallantly sacrifices himself/herself in order to save galaxy was created. It is featured in three colors. This pissed off the fanbase so much that they made EXTENDED endings of said colors, but still didn't fix the core storytelling issues. They added salt to the injury by releasing more pointless story DLCs that convoluted everything even more.

A truthful depiction of what really happened upon Mass Erect 3's release. SILLY BIOWARE AND EA.

Characters

No, really. Deal with it.
The Hanar.

Most are rehashed from KOTOR.

Mass Effect 1

  • Commander Shepard - The main character. Be Paragon to be a goody-two-shoes, or Renegade to actually be funny and make the game amusing as hell since you're a douchey space Jew.
  • Wrex - Basically a dinosaur with a shotgun voiced by black John Goodman. He is good at not being a nigger unlike the rest of the cast, not to mention has a sense of humor that revolves around fucking with the heads of everyone else.
  • Tali- A Quarian in space that doesnt put out. She masturbates to technology and has to wear a mask because space AIDS has ruined her immune system. Also, the internet has a hard-on for her. Everyone wanted to do her in Mass Effect 1, but because BioWare is such a fucking cunt, none of Tali's tits were seen. In Mass Effect 2 you could do her, but you never saw her face. Nerds were sad once more. You finally get to see her face in the third game, but it's a photo that was mostly likely shooped.
  • Liara - A blue alien that you can have sex with, whether Shepard is male OR female. Initially she was "monogendered", then Bioware retconned and decided she was female after all. She was put in the game solely because people whined you could not fuck Mission Vao (another blue alien) in KOTOR. Mission's 14, guys. Jeez.
  • Ashley - A Christfag whore. Players with poor comprehension think she is racist, but she's actually a bigoted bitch with a judgmental attitude towards human supremacists. No one likes her because she believes in Jesus. If you suggest a threesome with her and Liara and Shepard she's like "What the fuck?" Unlike Kaiden, she won't turn gay for Shepard in Mass Effect 3, because Bioware were afraid of pissing off what was left of their christfag fanbase.
  • Kaiden a.k.a. Carth 2.0 - He is a male version of Ashley with all the personality of a slice of white-bread. With the crusts cut off. Turns bisexual in Mass Effect 3.
  • Garrus - He's some sort of alien cop dude. Even though Kaiden is Carth 2.0, Garrus has more fangirls, who squealed when they learned that their self-insert Shepard could screw him in the next game.
  • Keith Motherfucking David.
  • Admiral Hackett - A voice that has phone sex with Shepard everytime a new system is explored. If you like rolling down mountains in an oversized Tyco RC car, listen to Hackett. He has a HUGE fetish for the motherfucking Mako, and gives you like 400 identical side missions.
  • Joker - Some cripple pilot. Voiced by Seth Green, which made all his pathetic fans squee.
  • Dr. What's her name - Some doctor on your ship. She has no purpose whatsoever other than to waste your valuable time with pointless dialogue. Other than that the only other purpose she adds is to add a bit of irony to the sex scenes. You can fuck aliens and a crazy bald psychotic bitch, but you can't fuck an older woman. Nobody knows her name and nobody wants to find out because she's a boring and stupid character.
  • Private Richard L. Jenkins - Some retard who gets himself killed during the first mission in the game

Mass Effect 2

Another way.
SAY WHAT!
Relieving stress.
IRL example of the Moral bonuses in cutscenes.
  • Darth Revan/Shepard - S/he dies at the beginning of the game, oh no! Except Cerberus fixes that. Now Shepard has scars. The more of an asshole s/he is, the worse the scars get. This kind of made sense in KOTOR because the dark side does shit like that. But really? BioWare might as well be screaming "HEY, REMEMBER KOTOR!? REMEMBER THE DARK SIDE?! LOL!!!" Being Renegade is more fun anyways because you can punch news reporters, kick guys from windows, and tell people to kill themselves.
  • Mordin - Alien doctor on crack. Just before it's time to get your dick sucked, he gives you some advice on how to fuck your hoe in the safest way possible. His advice for Jack is extremely lulzy. To earn his loyalty you have to help him find some faggot who pounded his ass at least 100 years ago.
  • Miranda - Fucking bitch. Chances are you will probably never fuck her. If you're a paragon you have slightly higher chances, although you need a full paragon bar to tell her to stop being a such a cunt and go make you a sandwich during the conflict between her and Jack. She got dat fine ass and some big ass titties though. Her loyalty quest consists of helping her save her sister from Rupert Murdoch, her pedo dad. Fucking hates Jack. Is probably Bastila Shan in disguise.
  • Jack - Bald psycho bitch who loves showing tits. Likes to act tough but underneath it all there's a sweet little girl just begging for some nice guy to shove his cock up her tight pussy. For her loyalty quest you gotta blow up some research station she was raised in. Fucking hates Miranda and everyone else in the universe.
  • Samara - An asari white knight who replaces Liara as a biotic specialist. She's a boring character that nobody cares about so she constantly shows cleavage to try to get attention. For her loyalty quest you have to help her kill her daughter, Morinth, or have sex with her. Fucking hates her daughter.
    • Morinth - If you waste Samara's sorry ass during her loyalty quest she is replaced by Morinth. She has some sort of AIDS strain that is enhanced by her Asari geneticoligcal biodicks shit so instead of killing her it just kills whoever she fucks instead. She has been fucking people to death for 400 years just for shits and giggles which would make her fucking awesome if she wasn't a god damn goth bitch who's always talking about her dark soul and shit nobody cares about. She really likes the artsy, shy types. After the final mission you can choose to have sex with her but it kills Shepard. She wears her troll face while Shepard is dying. Fucking hates her mom.
  • Tali - Since everyone on the internets wanted some sweet sweet quarian ass, Bioware made it so you can fuck her in Mass Effect 2. You still don't get to see ass though. The whole fucking sex scene is a one minute cock tease. For her loyalty quest you need to figure out why she's been Tali-B& from her home, piss on her dad's corpse,then get her pardoned/PermaB& from her flotilla. Fucking hates Legion. Is a virgin. Will fuck MaleShep, cuntblocks FemShep at the last minute.
  • Legion - (HOLY SHIT YOU GET A GETH TEAMMATE T01HSE9MWUZVQ0tJTkdTSElUV1RGWU9VQ1JBQ0tFRFRIRUNPREU=) Legion is a geth robot/anonymous oldfag who has a total hard on for Shepard. He welded Shepard's old armor onto his body and loves to smear his robo jizz all over the N7 insignia. Despite being a creepy faggot, he's probably one the most badass characters when it comes to combat and you can even give him a special sniper rifle that can take down a gunship in like 4 hits. During Samara's recruitment mission he makes a statement about how drugs are bad. For his loyalty quest you have to help him convince all the geth who worship Jesus that he is not real. Doesn't hate Tali. In fact, he likes everyone. Trolls lusers in MMOs as a hobby.
  • Jacob - Some nigger who was an alliance soldier just like you. He's a pretty boring character who was thrown in to meet the nigger quota. The only cool thing about him is his loyalty quest where you discover that his dad was a sick fuck who was feeding his crew food that destroyed their brain and minds, so he could fuck all the women in the crew without them saying no. Fucking loves fried chicken. If Shepard pursues a relationship with him, he comes to her cabin and says it was risky, but the PRIIIIIZE.
  • Garrus - Your nigga bro from the first game. He's weirder looking now because he got cock slapped by a rocket from a gunship during his recruitment mission so now he's got a metal plate on the side of his head. For his loyalty quest you've gotta help him kick some faggot in the balls and help him assassinate a guy. Or you can be a pussy and tell him that killing is bad and it's much better if we all just get along and he'd only be hurting himself and HGLUALGHLAUGLHAUGLAHGFLAUGAHGlUGLAHGL. You can actually talk to him after that, where he'll go into detail about a girl he had sex with, him having "reach" and her having "flexibility". Gets really awkward around female Shepard if she likes him.
  • Thane - Schizophrenic lizardman with space cancer, from a race of nostalgia fags. He has one year left to live. He's a biotic assassin who has weird ass flashbacks. He used to be married but some internet tough guys he insulted over the internet fucking killed his wife. He ran away, caused his son to become an assassin also, and got his revenge, so he is pretty much over her death now. Oh ya, you can also get high from sucking his dick . For his side quest you have to stop his son from being a complete faggot.
  • Grunt - Since everyone thought Wrex was so fucking awesome, Bioware decided he was too good for Mass Effect 2 and decided to make him a minor character instead of making him a member of your squad again. Grunt is like Wrex, only gayer. He's a complete faggot compared to Wrex so he tries his best to be a total bad ass but ends up looking like an internet tough guy. For his loyalty quest you must help him find out why he is angry all the time. Turns out he's just going through puberty. Worse is that his "special ability" is screaming "I AM KROOOOGAAAAAN!!!1111!!!1!!!", not only blowing your cover, but also charging into the worst place to be in battle, right in the middle of all the enemies and it doesn't work on the Xbox!!!!!1one1!!!!
  • Zaeed - Old British guy who they put as a DLC character, cause Bioware is too lazy to put him in the main game. Oh yeah, you can kill him cause he smells funny. By the way he's really just Canderous Ordo. FOR MANDALORE!
  • Kasumi - Japanese thief bitch from an old manga. She costs about $5 but you can't fuck her. No hookers in Mass Effect 2!
  • Joker - He can kind of walk now, still a cripple though. You can play him for like five minutes when the collectors steal your ship crew people. Has a hard-on for the ship's AI, but doesn't have the balls to admit it.
  • Illusive Man- Left Earth when he realized his son had Tiger Blood. Still looking for a cure.
  • Kelly - Onboard secretary, au-pair, blow-job-giver and super freak
Ship duties


 
 
Please don't fap to this, unless you have to
 

 


Mass Effect 3

  • Javik - Day 1 DLC Prothean rip-off. Was supposed to be the catalyst, but they cut that for some giant machine. Also happens to be a quite lulzy racist. Would have been good if he wasn't just a secondary asset to the game that barely interacts with the game world.
  • Vega - HEY WAZZUP DUDEBRO LOOK AT MY FLEXIN' MUSCLES AND TITTIES?! Can be raped in the DLC by forcing him to drink alcohol, no really.
  • Kai Leng - Some Naruto reject who works for Cerberus. Completely out of place character who serves no purpose, other than being a whiny ass Sepiroth-wannabe who kills off your lizardbro Thane.
  • Ashley - The christian racist cunt from part 1 is back as a whore, this time with botox lips. She was modeled after a transvestite. Throughout the game she is mostly out of character and acts just as an empty shell.
  • Kaiden - The boring dude that everybody normally left to die in part 1 is back. They slightly improved him by not being as emo as before. He also doesn't look like shit, compared to Ashley. Unfortunately they made him a bisexual.
  • Traynor - Lesbian Kelly replacement. Serves no purpose other than being a cockblock for male shepard.
  • EDI - After acquiring a robot suit with tits, the ship computer puts itself into it. Now all it basically talks about during the rest of the game is how to fuck Jokers brains out.
  • Cortez - Flies your shuttles and lost his lover. He is gay. Yes, that's all the character traits he has. He is just gay. Thankfully you can make him crash to his death by never talking to him.
  • Diana Allers - Jessica Chobot self-insert as a reporter. Is it too much to ask from Bioware to add a feature that lets us kill her slowly and throw her out of the airlock?

The Races

  • Humans - Despite being total newfags in the galactic community, Humans have managed to fuck most other races in the ass and are fucking everywhere. Most races are represented throughout the series, including niggers, whiteys, jews, azns and even a fucking indian (dot, not feather).
  • Asari - Bioware's excuse to create a slutty blue alien race. Able to fuck any race (even fucking jellyfish lol) and produce moar ugly blue bitches. Make no sense whatsoever but they have Tits, which you will never get to play with.
  • Quarians - Smart humanoids who created little Terminators called the Geth, they got kicked off their own planet and now wander the galaxy in giant ships looking for shit to do. You can fuck one of them but never get to see her face (and the shitty photoshop job in ME3 doesn't count).


Sexbox Scandal 2008

As usual, the gallant Fox News channel does its hours of research and finds that Mass Effect is essentially hardcore pornography. Not to stand idly by as this mature content is delivered directly in to the hands of 4 year olds, they decide to do a story on it, including their own completely rational and not a crazy cunt, "Psychologist", Cooper Lawrence.

The following video is of the entire segment that Fox ran. Take note of the pretentious laugh along with a "no" when asked if she had actually played the game in which she was criticizing.

 
 
Oh noes!! No alien side-boob in my house. Little Timmy's got to learn to strip his M4 first
 

 

Mass Effect was also blogged about by some prude blogger named Kevin McCullough. The closet faggot had this to say:

 
 
Mass Effect can be customized to sodomize whatever, whomever, however, the game player wishes..with its ‘over the net’ capabilities virtual orgasmic rape is just the push of a button away.
 

 

—McCullough

We here at Encyclopedia Dramatica would like to express our discontent with Mr. McCullough for getting our hopes up.

Luckily, the child rape simulator we call Mass Effect wasn't hurt by the story, and since it was only consensual child rape, Cooper Lawrence retracted her statements. Gamers, still butthurt about the incident, decided to lulzily go to amazon.com and make reviews of her book parodying the situation. Most went something like, "I haven't read the book but my friend said it was bad" followed by a one star ranking. See here for a New York times article.


Gallery

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