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Mario

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"It's-a me, Mario!"
Mario
Race
Guido
Occupation
Plumber
Developer
Nintendo
Designer
Shigeru Miyamoto
Series
Super Mario
Platforms
NES
SNES
Gameboy
Gamecube
Wii
Release
1985


Mario is the fat, greasy, wop mascot for Nintendo and has starred in roughly 90% of their games due to Shigeru Miyamoto's incurable shroom fetish. Mario is known throughout the world for his habit of breaking blocks, collecting coins, throwing fire balls, getting high off shrooms, getting pwned by turtles and goombas, and saving whores.

Contents

The Games

More evidence that Mario is actually Jewish.
A plant did 9/11.

Donkey Kong

Totally not related to King Kong in anyway, this game has Mario JUMPMAN saving the helpless Pauline from the clutches of a ronery ape. Although hes a very nice guy sometimes.

Super Mario Bros.

Mario and his brother Luigi save the Princess from a giant turtle. To aid them on their quest, they have a variety of power-ups, such as flowers (which cause flames to erupt from Mario's fingertips), shrooms (which make everything look smaller), and stars (which cause enemies to sieze (seize, lrn2english) on contact. I wish I was joking, but this is the staple of the average Mario game.

Super Mario Bros 2

Mario, Luigi, that fucking annoying mushroom-midget thing, and that whore Peach who does nothing but scream and fly around using her ability to queef at high speeds, team up to battle a frog. They kill it with vegetables, but not really, because IT WAS ALL A DREAM LOL!

It's a cuntpasted version of another game called Doki Doki Panic. The original sequel was thought to be too hard for dumbass American gamers like yourself.

Dian Shi Ma Li

PUSH START TO RICH
Of course, Mario isn't for everyone...
Sibling rivalry.

A pirate game shittier game compared to the main games of the series, Dian Shi Ma Li is a spinoff featuring a Mario clone named Fortran - who happens to be the illegitimate father of Weegee and Malleo. The purpose of this game is to use imaginary moneys and to PUSH START TO RICH. Unlike the other Mario games, there is no end to this one. Ever.

It's a shame that this particularly awesome Mario game was overshadowed by another, shittier one.

Super Mario Bros. 3

Considered by the fandom to be the BEST GAME EVAR, Mario and Luigi have to save seven kings who, along with being kidnapped, had their seven MAGIK WANDS stolen and were turned into animals by each of the seven coons. However, in World Seven, Mario finds out that those seven kidnappings were all just a distraction so Bowser could nab Princess Toadshit. Seven seven seven.

Bowser isn't the brightest bulb in the box, but he at least deserves a Gold Star for effort... that is until you see what faggotty plans Bowser comes up with in the future. Then it's torn off like an old Band-Aid.

Super Mario World

The same game as 3, but for the Super Nintendo. The only difference is that this time you get to ride a dinosaur named Yoshi AND OMG YOU GET A CAPE INSTEAD OF A TAIL!1

Nigga stole my Yoshi!
PETA haets Mario.
OMG SECRET LEVEL
Merigo

Mario Kart

Luigi finds out that his brother is actually Ron Jeremy.

Mario and his friends skid around various tracks in cardboard go-karts and throw shit at each other for trophies. The original was supposed to have two female characters and one cup, but Nintendo decided they were too badass for more than one chick. There have been sequels, but it's the same general concept of Mario and his friends throwing shit at each other.

Blueshell IRL.gif

Super Mario RPG

By far, the most overrated Mario game to date. The starting plot is the same as SMB 1 but then this giant Sword rams into Bowser's crib and his shit goes flying everywhere and he has to hire an army of Mexicans to fix it.

So, Mario has to find some PVC glue bottles that look like bits of stars to reassemble some retarded magical dildo or some shit like that and look for the Princess. It's like Final Fantasy (it was made by the same company, go figure), but HE KNOWS ABOUT TIMED HITS which can be used for MASSIVE DAMAGE. This game has spawned an ungodly amount of fanboys who practically live on praying to their God for giving them this game. Let's not forget that this game is incredibly boring since Mario can only jump in the overworld and that the puzzelda were practically made for by three year-olds or people with down syndrome. Also the source of Geno, who is a fucking living puppet, and Mallow, but nobody cares about him.

Mario is Missing

Bowser is up to no good again, so Mario must put a stop to his dirty deeds!!!!111Oneoneone.

What poorly-made plan has Bowser cooked up this time to steal the Princess? None. Thank God.

Instead, Bowser has set up base in the Antarctic and he plans to flood the Earth by melting it with hairdryers (yes, you read that correctly. Unless you read it as Hard Drivers, in which case, get some glasses you blind fuck). When Mario tries to stop Bowser's hilarious nefarious scheme, he gets his ass caught. Luigi then has to travel around the world and answer trivia questions to save his brother. It's exactly as entertaining as it sounds.

Melting Antarctica with hairdryers? Bowser must be a cheap-ass nigger.

The PC version of the game gave birth to the meme known as Weegee.

Super Mario 69

 
 
So long, gay Bowser!
 

 

— Mario while having some gay tail fetishes

You get a sexy letter from princess peach and she says some shit about cake. At this point you should know that the cake is a lie because women can't write letters. Bowser takes over the Princess's castle (which is nothing but an art gallery) and hides Power Stars in various painting worlds instead of actually doing anything with them. In this AMAZING 64 BIT ADVENTURE (which just boils down to low poly low tris shit that was on the computer for years), you run around collecting the Power Stars that, coincidentally, do nothing but let you progress, and fight Bowser at least 69 times (each battle the fucking same thing which becomes way too easy). The excellent control scheme handles like your mom.

Typical Gameplay.
Mainly Gameplay.

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Paper Mario

Same as SMRPG but every character is a fucking piece of paper. Bowser steals a Star Rod, gets sued by Kirby for copyright infringement, wins, and decides to use it for himself. Peach invites Mario and Luigi to a party at the castle, during which the whole castle rises up in the sky and Bowser pwns the shit out of Mario with his Star Rod. OMFG! So now Mario has to free some shit star spirits to re-own Bowser and his damn Star Rod, with the help of all his partners. He has several of these partners to help him out on his contrived quest, but they are hardly notable and very shitty. The series has also spawned two equally formulaic sequels of collecting seven shiny pieces of shit to kill somebody. Hoorays!


Nintendo's view on Nazis.

Super Smash Bros.

If you play Mario games, you instantly become a dirty Italian.
It's a fair cop...

A Nintendo fanboy's wet dream come to life. The game is basically a giant circlejerk of various Nintendo characters beating the shit out of each other. So, essentially, it's fucking awesome. It's also one of the many games subject to tourneyfag drama.

Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door

The world is once again turned into paper, and now it's up to Mario to go collect OMFGJESUSCHRIST EVEN MORE!!!!!!! fucking Stars. That's right, and seven of them! Who would've thought? But there's a twist: You can die in the overworld! OMG!!! Nintendo is really pushing the limits! There's also a fucking guy with a fishbowl for a head who wants them so he can stick em up his ass or some other form of faggotry like that. Of course, Mario also has his bitches that join him, because apparently Mario's too fail to kick ass without help. Mario's bitches, in this game, are all Aboriginal...let's see...

  • Goombella, a PMS-ing, Useless, excessive, and unwanted bitch.
  • Koops, a pussy.
  • Flurrie, a nudist (and attractive women are NEVER nudist, are they? No, it's always the big fat fucking cows). Unfortunately for Mario, she wants inside his pants.
  • A Yoshi, whom you get to name after you get him. Acts like a total douche the entire game.
  • Vivian, a prostitute-like shadow-freaky lady who wants inside Mario's pants (but in Japan she's a boy).
  • Captain Bobbery, an old pedophile who blows himself up, and is emo for his dead wife. He desperately wants to die. PROTIP: This is the only character you will use in this game.
  • Ms. Mowz, a random convict who wants inside Mario's pants.

Yes, every female (and possibly male) wants inside Mario's pants, desperately (cause Italians are smexy :3). This fact is made painfully obvious throughout the game.

Super Mario Blows Sunshine Up Your Ass

Ginzo's are a lot like niggers.

Set shortly after Mario's successful Jihad in Super Mario World where he destroys several buildings, Mario boards a plane headed to a distant tropical island where he attempts to hijack and crash it into a high-rise skyscraper. With Mario's final terrorist plot foiled, he is captured and labeled an enemy combatant and sent to Guantanamo Bay. The rest of the game is spent with Mario being interrogated by eating cock-meat sandwiches and getting asshamered by the Man. During his testimony, when asked why he intended to kill so many innocent civilians, he stated that he "did it for teh lulz!"

After being tortured half to death by freaks, Mario is subjected to at least 100 hours of community service in the form of cleaning up the town that the residents shit all over. Mario gets a water cannon and uses it to spray on everything dirty.

sUpeR MaRio GalAxY

Mario ass-fucks Yoshi and fills him with cum, as Yoshi spits it out on the other end.

Waggle and jump around on tiny space-rocks, following a linear path to the star, jumping around on cartoony levels to appeal to the younger crowds.

...that's it. Going from point A to point B 9,003 times, occasionally stopping to collect shit or take part in epic tedious boss fights.

After collecting all 120 stars, what do you get? YOU GET TO DO IT ALL AGAIN! But as Weegee, who jumps higher but seems to have had his shoes dunked in anal lube, which makes him slippery as fuck. What do you get after beating the game again? You get to go back to the starting level of the game and collect purple coins! Fuck yes!

If you look closely at the title look at the letters that have stars. they spell out "U R MR GAY" lol

Easily the best Mario game ever made. Because of this and the fact that ever since Neil Armstrong landed on the Moon, every Americunt got a space fetish, there's a sequel that appeals to at least 100 percent of nostalgiafags and rips off every other 3D Mario game SINCE NOSTALGIA'S COOL, RIGHT?. Yoshi's in this one and eats radioactive berries that give it superpowers. And its cover says "YA I M R U?"

Mario & Sonic at the Special Olympics

SpecialOlympics.jpg

Mario and his friends find some furfags and a fat scientist, and then they compete in the fucking Special Olympics. Nobody gives a shit about this game now, due to Sonic in Brawl- HOLY SHIT! THOSE BASTARDS ARE MAKING ANOTHER ONE!

Super Paper Mario

Same old story as the first two, except in this game, Mario gets partners that aren't necessarily gay, but they aren't heterosexual either. This time around, he gets to team up with Tippi, Princess Peach, Luigi, and Bowser. Together, they fight Count Bleck, Nastasia, O'Chunks, Mimi, Dimentio, and Mr. L. It's different from the other two Paper Mario games in that there's less turnbased combat and more of the awesome platforming.

Instead of Mario's, most of the female characters go for Count Bleck's pants since he's the supreme god of all emos. Bleck also doesn't succeed in destroying the universe and reveals the power of friendship.

New Super Mario Bros

It's like every other 2D Mario game, but new! There's also this little version of Bowser that you fight OVER 9,000 times who sounds like you.

As quoted from Luigi, "Go, Weegee!"

New Super Mario Bros.Wii

Itsa meeeeee
Can you spot the difference?
Mario as portrayed by a fabulous spic-midget.

So its Mario's bitch's Birthday and a HUEG cake comes in from nowhere, everyone is pleased at the arrival of the cake but then.....Bowser's Kids come out of nowhere and put the whore in the cake and take off with it! It all boils down to a lemonparty of all the old 2D games, but in 3D!

Mario & Luigi:Superstar Saga

This time, instead of the Mushroom Kingdom being in peril, the Beanish people of the BeanBean Kingdom ask Mario and Luigi to stop Cackletta, Fawful, and the Koopalings from terrorizing the BeanBean Kingdom. In this game, the battle system is exactly the same as Paper Mario, except you can do combos and Bros Attacks. Some say Americans butchered the localized version by fucking up the monsters' stats. The Koopa Kids' HP are greatly reduced, making each of them able to be killed in 1 hit, while the final boss's HP is doubled to drag out a boring ass fight even further.

It has sequels on the DS that include time travel and vore and baby sockpuppets of the two. Ya, rly.

Mario & Luigi: Partners in Time

Mario and Luigi go back and forth in time to have sex with their baby selves while Peach is yet again kidnapped, this time by the shroobs, who are purple toads that have evil expression on their face and talk in l33t speak. You jerk around doing utter bullshit and find Peach after weeks of gameplay. You battle Princess Shroob to find out she's got a sister who was locked away in shit nobody cares about and rape her shit in a battle that lasts an hour.

Mario & Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story (Inflation: The Game)

Fawful returns, butthurt for killing Cackletta in the first game, and plots to take over the Mushroom Kingdom by giving everyone weird mushrooms that bloat them up to immobility. Then he feeds Bowser a "Vacuum Shroom" that makes him vore the princess and the Mario brothers. The rest of the game is about tending to Bowser's butthurt for Fawful turning his castle into a theater and you have to do shit with Mario and Luigi like going into Bowser's ass to restore his life by anally ravaging him. Srsly.

There's also a moment where Boos force feed Bowser until immobility. Yeah.

Other Games

Keep in mind, the above mentioned games only make up a small percentage of the games in which Mario has starred. Mario has also been featured in at least 100 other games (no exaggeration), all of which can be viewed here.


German Mario Gameplay.
The Shocking Truth.
Mario Teaches Sex-Ed.
Invents the Tossed Salad.
Super Mario 3D Land

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Furry

Awwwright!

In 1990, the public was beginning to suspect Mario of being part of the furry community. Mario denied these claims when asked. These suspicions were brought on by the fact that Mario was seen dressing up like a raccoon. Mario stated that he wore this costume not because he was a furry, but because he liked being able to float around and get more coins. However, suspicions were further aroused when he was also caught dressing up like a tanuki and later, a frog. When asked, Mario just stated that he was sort of a furry, but only in that he was fascinated by those creatures and was not aroused by them at all. These rumors went away after a while, but then they were brought back and confirmed when an anonymous source noticed that Yoshi, the dinosaur that Mario rode around, wore shoes. A picture was then found of someone who followed Yoshi to his house and discovered that Yoshi was actually a fat furry dressing up like a dinosaur. Mario said that he didn't realize that he was riding another man, but eventually Peach came out and stated to the press that Mario really was a furry. Mario then cried and threatened to kill himself. After disappearing for many years, Mario returned to the public accepting that he was a furry. Mario has since been seen at many furry conventions dressed as a penguin with overalls. He has yet been banned from Deviantart 4 times.

IT'S WAR!

Trouble in paradise?

During the 90s, Mario gained competiton as Sega introduced their newest mascot, Sonic the Hedgehog. The game proved to be popular and resulted in many lulz. Nintendo had the SNES and Sega had the Genesis, basement dwellers and fanboys on both sides droped their cum stained controllers to bitch at which was better. This soon became the Great Console Wars of the 90's. This was a war that was over 9000 better than WW2. The stage is set between two companies in a shoop da woop of oil, blood, 16 bit, name calling, plastic, shrapnel, fire, rings, coins, sex scandals, extortion, and jizz. Yet in 2001, SEGA found themselves kissing Nintendo's ass after they dropped out of the hardware business due to a little scuffle with SONY. Sonic is now played on all platforms, shamed by his transition to multi platform. In the end, Sonic never got his revenge while being invited to participate in and confirmed for Super Smash Brothers Brawl either. With his venture to Nintendo, Sonic has got the shit beaten out of him by Mario's fat wop dego ass, while his rings got stold, then Mario killed Luigi, and has had threesomes with Peach and Daisy possibly getting them pregnant. Sonic now plays with Tails's penis daily all for the lulz and the cost of never making a good game again.

Child Soldiers - The Shocking (link No) Story of the Koopalings

The Koopalings who were the original 7 sons of Bower (link occult and Satan), including the new child of Bowser known as Bowser Jr. (link baby). Teaching society to send their children to die in War since 1987 and especially the upcoming WW3 than hate children, about the time of the release of Super Mario Bros. 3. (link The Hunger Games) Bellow is shit nobody cares about.

Conspiracy?

They compose of the first 7, than the last being Bowser Jr.

  • Larry Koopa: seemingly the youngest of the family, in Nintendo Power he couldn't speak,
  • Morton Koopa Jr.: the only nigger Koopaling when they began to change the designs of the rest of the Koopalings (link Delete Fucking Everything) to a more convenient tan color. Unlike Larry who doesn't talk often, Morton bitches all the time and will make an excellent Encycpedia Dramatica user as well as an easy target for being black.
  • Wendy O. Koopa: the only female of Bowser (see whore) she often gets raped by her other siblings and throws rings at Mario in-game (see condom).
  • Iggy Koopa: a nerd and loser of the Koopa family Roy constantly anal rapes him (link buttsecks), and he makes the inventions of torture and mechanical genius in the game. Also known as sex toys.
  • Roy Koopa: makes Iggy feel butthurt he rapes the rest of his siblings because his Father Bowser did that to him every time he fails at killing Mario. He wears pink (see gay pride).
  • Lemmy Koopa: he was born to make the average gay Weeaboo wet (see lemon party) he's the clown of the family (see jailbait) and bounces on his clown ball (see balls).
  • Ludwig Von. Koopa: he can fly in Super Mario Bros. Wii due to his farting and shitting from too much McDonalds, he makes new inventions to kill Mario (see sex toys) and composes shitty music in the family basement (see basement dweller). Despite being a genius who graduated University that's what happens to a royal family who pushes an unhappy deaf teenager to accomplish some shit.

Mario Niggers

Mario is from New York and that automatically makes him a Nigger

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Galleries

About missing Pics

1-Up About missing Pics

Porn comic About missing Pics

Shitty fanart About missing Pics

See Also

He knows where you sleep...

External Links

Portal games.png

Mario is part of a series on

Gaming

Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage.

Featured article February 6, 2006
Preceded by
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Featured article June 15, 2006
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