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Maddox

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Maddox, King of the neckbeards
Being a writer, Maddox appreciates good humor.
 
 
No girl thinks I'm cute. I'm repulsive. I'm hideous.
 

 

—The only truthful thing he has ever said.

Maddox is one of the pioneers of internet trolling, flaming, and unwarranted self importance. At least he was this person four eight years ago. Despite his shtick being so yesterday, he is still a pioneer of lulz. Noobs should read some of his early articles to learn how to flame, but not anything post-2005, because that is when he started to take himself seriously and his writing really went to shit.

Most non-retardeds will notice much of what Maddox has to say is unfunny in the way that it points out obvious things internets users already know. He is also a pirate. He makes that very clear. A little too clear. In fact, his many claims of being a pirate, coupled with a trend of no longer updating his site have worn pretty thin. He also wrote a shitty book recently, and an even shittier comic.

Some (including Maddox himself) claim that he is indeed a STRAIGHT pirate by throwing in exaggerated claims of his sexual ability. This is known as "trying too hard" and it isn't fooling anyone. His failure to come off as a badass is best revealed from pictures of himself. Everybody has learned that he is nothing more than a neckbeard-wearing, basement-dwelling, shell script programming, raging nerd.

Contents

Early Life

Young Maddox vacationing with his parents in England.
One of Maddox's childhood heroes.

For the majority of his childhood, Maddox lived in poverty, sleeping only in a dilapidated house of mud. It was during these harsh years that Maddox developed his tough personality and his love of manliness. Maddox likes beef jerky, vinegar, lumberjacks, eating babies, and headbutting pussies. He also has extremely high self esteem and is in love with himself. He has a terrible taste in movies and video games and defends it by calling people fags.

Adult Life

ALL YOUR BASE! LOL SO RANDUMB ALERT:
This section reads like copypasta from Uncyclopedia. You can help purge the GRIDS by cuntpasting moar.

In college, Maddox had a brief but passionate affair with Ronald McDonald. Since their breakup, Maddox has had a virulent hatred of McDonalds and constantly criticizes them.

Maddox claims to be a pirate, but since he lives in the landlocked state of Utah, it's more likely he means an ass pirate.

Maddox may be a software programmer, and he may be into everything else associated with basement dwellers, but that doesn't necessarily make him one. He was finally able to vacate mom's basement after selling over 9000 books last year, now he lives in luxury, on the money he conned out of stupid people like you.

Additionally, Maddox is also a camera whore as evidenced by his numerous pictures of himself on his website and the image to the right.

Maddox hasn't worked at a real job since 2004, making all his money selling merchandise [1] and beating off on drunk hobos for cash.

Examples of his work

Maddox poses with some fag.
 
 
As I was sitting here drinking my beef jerky flavored Tabasco sauce I couldn't help but think about how great I am. I mean, look at me! My site gets more visits than Kentucky Fried Chicken's site, never mind the fact that my site is the only one that's not an advertisement. It almost makes me feel better about my tiny, tiny penis, but just to make sure I just punched an infant in the vagina to validate my manliness and superiority over you assholes. Speaking of that, fuck you pasty Internet fags, it's not like you contributed to my success or anything. And how about those women? Always...bitching, and shit.
 

 

—An article from mid-2005

Maddox's Formula to a Successful Article

  1. When thinking of ideas for topics, the first things that should come to mind are minor and meaningless things that make you get your panties in a bunch. Examples of this include people who use hashtags on Twitter, people who only prefer cheese on their pizza, or people who listen to ska. If it bugs you to the point of insomnia, then you're doing it right.
  2. Begin writing over 9000 paragraphs worth of ranting crap where every other sentence must contain juvenile insults directed at the subject, such as shitheads, dipshits, fucking idiots, etc. Also, be sure to throw in plenty of slang for male and female genitalia. It cancels out any attempt at sounding witty and clever, but don't tell Maddox that! He thinks he's funny and smart!
  3. Draw some shitty MS Paint pictures to illustrate the inane, psychotic rant people quit reading 2 paragraphs in anyway.
  4. Slap your e-mail address at the bottom of each page, ignoring the fact that you've pissed and moaned endlessly about your idiot fan base who won't quit e-mailing you.
  5. Insert a counter at the bottom of each page, implying people beyond 1999 still give a shit about how many views a page received.
  6. ???
  7. PROFIT! Now you can quit giving away most of your writing for free on the Internet. This is your chance to go fail at other projects, like books, and a poorly-produced YouTube show.

IMPORTANT: In your writing, don't try to come off like a normal, respectable human being. Keep reminding your readers that you rule the world, your opinions are right, and everyone who disagrees is wrong. This is to compensate for your ugly physique and small penis while you sulk on IRC with your naive friends who are convinced you're a manly pirate in your mom's basement. Additionally, remember that this is your outlet to being a crybaby bitch instead of working out your problems the proper way, such as seeing a counselor/therapist/psychiatrist, going outside, finding a girlfriend, winning a fight with someone bigger than you at a bar, or just plain quit being a fucking pussy!

Book

Maddox puts a man into a choker hold for some homosexual rape.
 
 
Why should people buy anything I sell? I don't know why anyone should buy anything
 

 

—Maddox

Maddox has released a book, "The Alphabet of Manliness". As a skinny, old, Armenian computer programmer from Utah, Maddox is an authority on manliness. The book was published in an effort to cover the cost of the huge quantities of Nair needed to remove his disgusting back hair. The book skyrocketed on the NY Times Bestseller list, an embarrassment to all parties involved. Covering a variety of subjects ranging from how stupid women are, to how great men are, to specific instructions for cooking meth, "The Alphabet Of Manliness" is a prime forerunner of everything that was never funny, even through shock value. The book also mentions Chuck Norris, making him as funny and edgy as the average shirt in Hot Topic.

Maddox goes on tour promoting the fact he would sign women's breasts. FUN IDEA: Bring your grandmother and have her request it.

Since he began writing it, he's stopped updating his site. After it came out, his site only serves to promote his damn book he apparently updates only once every four months couple years or so, leaving his retarded fans with a thirst for moar.

When approached by Amazon.com inquiring as to what price his book should be sold at, Maddox replied, "About a million dollars, srsly." Amazon did not think this was funny and initially refused to stock the book. Since then though Amazon now sells new copies of the book for $10.85. With each book sale, he makes no money. Not only has Maddox failed at convincing people about how manly he is, he also fails miserably at the game of capitalism.

Since Maddox is a pirate, he has no problems with people pirating his book. Get your copy here.

Show

On December 9th, 2008, Maddox announced that all of the time he spent not updating his website was not only devoted to jacking it to hentai and being a basement-dwelling loser, but also spent on developing his own show, dubbed uncreatively The Best Show in the Universe. News of the show, which is set to air on YouTube, came via an update on his site, in an article where he heavily criticized YouTube for being full of shit, coming in only 3 years behind everyone else on the Internet in this endeavor.

Finally, after almost two years, Maddox finally managed to do what 13-year-old boys, retards, faggots, and Chris-Chan managed to do in a matter of days, if not hours: post a poorly-made video to YouTube.

The "show" is basically a redux of his article criticizing children's artwork from almost 10 years ago. This article is Maddox's main claim to Internet fame and he clings to it as the foundation of his manly personality. This time, he focuses on criticizing children singing on YouTube. Maddox is significantly less humorous when you can see his receding hairline and AIDS-patient physique on camera. The fact that it took him two years to shit out this steaming pile of unfunny just goes to show everyone exactly how far beyond the shark Maddox has jumped. PROTIP: Claiming to be a manly pirate lumberjack only works when people can't see that you're actually a scrawny, balding computer programmer in real life. It's a pathetic compensation.

Fan Sites

As with all retarded things in the world, they usually have a fan site. Maddox is no different, having two of the gayest fan sites ever. Maddox Mania and The Best Fan Page In the Universe are where intelligence goes to die.

The Best Fanpage: Poster Child For Failure

Recently, an ED insider did an in-depth investigation of "The Best Fanpage," revealing some disturbing yet unsurprising things about Maddox fans:

Also, Something Awful's Weekend Web did a segment about the site, causing the members to BAWWWW. Whine-One-One was dialed, and waaambulances were dispatched immediately to handle the epidemic of butthurt.

Ninjapirate

Ninjapirate is one of Over 9000 shitty Maddox ripoffs. Unlike most of them, Ninjapirate managed to generate a few minor lulz by mocking skateboarders. Eventually, he got one of them to send him hatemail.

Much like Maddox himself, the quality of Ninjapirate's page went downhill after the first couple years. Not to make it sound like Ninjapirate was any good in the first place.

Ninjapirate's real name is Thilo. He is a retarded azn leftard who isn't even ashamed of admitting he's a fan of Michael Moore.

Flaming Ninjapirate usually results in a "Thanks for the traffic!" or something else retarded, because apparently it doesn't matter if traffic is there solely to view how much of a moron you are because hey, it's traffic.

 
 
You keep saying that you know that you're copying Maddox, that you know he's better than you, and that you don't care. Well guess what? Nobody cares that you don't care, your site still sucks. Do you know why? Because, in reality, you're not copying Maddox at all. He doesn't just arbitrarily write pointless bullshit; his articles have meaning, and if they don't (as in his "huge balls" article, their pointless humor is at least funny and not meant to be taken seriously). He complains about certain things because he has a sense of standing up for what he believes. He believes in people thinking for themselves. Despite what he says about always being right, he doesn't want people to blindly agree with him, but to have their own opinions and have wills of their own. If you were simply trying to copy the look of his website, that would be fine, but you are poorly trying to copy his attitude and are failing because you are missing his very point!
 

 

—James Parsons, telling Ninja to GTFO

In Ninjapirate's defense, at least he knows that Jews did WTC.

Reddit AMA

At the end of January 2010, Maddox decided to reach out to all the arrogant nerds on reddit, due to his fanbase completely forgetting about him for not updating his website often to their liking. The members of reddit came all over the post, asking him all kinds of stupid questions that have been answered over 9000 times and pretending to give a shit about what he's up to as his excuse for not updating his website. There were also many other jealous nerds who wish people gave a shit about their opinions more than Maddox's, so they decided to try their luck in flaming him, but failed miserably.

Maddox gets trolled by Penn Jillette

On July 29th, 2010, Maddox stumbled into what will no doubt be a self-publicized 15 minutes he'll milk for the rest of his life (an actual 15 minutes, not a fake 15 minutes) when he was spotted on an episode of Penn and Teller's: Bullshit! during a segment they did on "Old People". (Youtube-favicon.png partial vid only) don't bother, it's set to private. Go torrent it

It's unclear how this happened. But, seeing as the show's research department was probably busy lighting their farts that week, some retard on the staff (who probably thinks they're internet saavy because of it) thought it would be a good idea to irl troll a slew of unfunny internet bloggers, who whine about anything and everything they're butthurt about, to posit a possible geratric holocaust.

 
 
When I hear the word's "old people" I think of smells, uh I think of laziness, I think of bitterness...


 


 

—Maddox, talking about...old people?

 
 
When I think of old people having sex I imagine a lot of loose skin...sweat...


 


 

—Maddox, you sure think about this a lot.

Previous Quote | Next Quote

Penn's Response
Penn's response.

During his screen-time (a whole 1 1/2 minutes!), Maddox's eagerness to somehow achieve God-tier status from P&T's fanbois seems to have been a bit of a footbullet. The overt lulz of all of it seems to have flown over Maddox's (bald) head altogether, but wasn't lost on Penn, seeing as Maddox is, himself, clearly in denial about being...just fucking old. Penn proceeded to counter-troll his ass, describing him as a blogger who is "no spring chicken and spouts predictable, angry, middle-aged manrants on just about everything", along with some other lulzy shit before they literally told him to "GTFO".

TL;DR: Go blog about it faggot.

Other Maddoxes

"El otro día demostré lo increíble que soy con un chanta argentino" translates to "The other day I demonstrated how incredible I am..." (Nitpicking anyone? lulz). He writes video game guides for those idiots that cannot access or are too fucktarded to use Google, but his work has been stolen for other magazines. SRSLY. He could be a troll for the win, but he thought that, being not so retarded as those who read his site, falls in the fail category. Si usted habla español, hágale una visita. Dross is also a douchebag of epic proportions, as is shown in this article where he brags how better he is and how true he is to his internet persona in comparison of Maddox and Toobis based on his muscles: http://www.dross.com.ar/Competencia.htm. *UPDATE* Dross has publicly declared interest in having anal sex with Maddox (srsly) and cannot longer be considered a ripoff since he has declared his Internet persona is a character and is doing the whole thing for the lulz. SRSLY.

  • Daniel Isaac: Another clone of Maddox with the same Modus Operandi. It would be nice to write something lulzly about him, but it would be repeating Maddox history, but without so much space. Yes, he is that lame. Daniel Isaac's.

Fun Facts

Maddox with Thai IRL transsexuals (when he had hair) Proof.
Post-op or pre-op?
  • Maddox claims Something Awful is a shitty site. No argument there.
  • Maddox likes FF7, so that means he's a homosexual. Proof.
  • Maddox admits to being a huge fan of teh cawk, so that means he's a homosexual. Proof
  • Maddox likes buttsecks with small boys, so that means he's a homosexual. Proof
  • B3ta interviewed Maddox, proving their faggotry.
  • Maddox is Armenian, and therefore a terrorist.
  • Maddox likes Pantera. Which is gayer than AIDS. Maddox loves Pantera's early history as a glam band.
  • Maddox's frontpage links to Ebaumsworld, College humor, and CTRL ALT Delete. No further comment necessary.
  • Maddox likes transsexual Thai boys, Proof.
  • As is well known, Maddox is a homosexual. But a lesser known fact is that he is also gay. This means he is in fact a fag².
  • Is probably Jewish IRL. Would explain a lot.

See Also

External Link


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Maddox
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