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KrappleGuy

From Encyclopedia Dramatica

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LOLCOWEPIC.jpg Mark 'KrappleGuy' Ortiz is an Epic Lolcow
One page alone is not enough...
KrappleGuy's fellow circle-jerking aspie pals now have their own page!
Note: this is an article about an Encyclopedia Dramatica user. For more information, please see the appropriate user page. To leave this user a message, please visit their talk page.

KrappleGuy (AKA VanKrause, Mark Joseph Ortiz irl, b. June 6, 1990) is a corpulent and shifty homosexual race traitor from California who is known for (among other things) being a shitty admin on a handful of *chans (most of which have since gone belly-up), being mistaken for a fed on numerous irc networks due to being a chronic idler, and having a poor taste in hair styles.


Contents

Origins

We start our charming tale at Krapple Komputer Kompany, a sub-par chan run by a mentally handicapped weeaboo. While staffed under the KKK, Krapple birthed possibly the only thing worth half a bottle of piss from his hairy asshole; /cwc/, the home of Chris-Chan enthusiasts, second only to the CWCki-- the Chris-Chan site people ACTUALLY go to. Once KKK was shut down, it was then that KrappleGuy began his long tenure of shitfesting at Legi0n. It was quickly discovered that, aside from buying the domain names and handing out staff positions like a whore passes out VD, he amounted to two things: jack and shit. Not long after the birth of legi0n, Krapple made another doozy of a good decision. After stumbling upon a certain unwilling immortal and becoming fascinated by the video of him spewing vampire piss all over Chris-chan’s stolen Sonichu medallion, Mark promptly added Ickeriss to staff as an admin, hoping to gain himself a bit of dat hardcore e-cred.

The opportunity for power soon went straight to Ickeriss’s head and it wasn’t long before he began making plans to overthrow Krapple. That’s right, folks. Even emaciated, pale, crooked-dicked Ickeriss could see that Krapple was a feeble-minded idiot who contributed nothing to a site he claimed as his own.

As is wonderfully detailed over in the legi0n article (refer to above link), the resulting hooplah with Lotz proved to be quite a self-coup de grace, as it were, resulting in much drama, butthurt, and legi0n being closed down. As if anyone expected anything else from Mr. Rice and Beans.




As an added kick to his small, sensitive testicles, Mark's dox somehow ended up in the possession of Riley34470, Mark began shitting himself and gradually started going into hiding. He needed a siesta, I suppose.

Internet Sissy Fights

Nuvola
Moar info: Legi0n#Brittany_Holechko.
 
 
“I’ll fix her wagon.”
 

 

—I bet you will, big boy

Although his claim to fame were the few videos and the board he made about Chris-chan, anyone who talked to Krapple knew that his greatest obsession was the girl he “pranked” at the party in a drunken stupor, IHM. He referred to her as one of his biggest enemies and made many videos about her on YouTube over the course of 2009-2010 as well as releasing several “funpacks” which included pictures of her and general information. But what caused such a ruckus? When Krapple was pressed on this issue, he was dodgy with his information and about what really went on before he made IHM his self-proclaimed nemesis. The truth was not surprising.

"Alec VanKrause"
 
 
“We started chatting on MSN, he introduced himself as Alec and showed me all the shit he was doing, mainly chris chan stuff and I told him I had never really looked into chris chan etc because I hadn't, I only vaguely cared in 2008 when I was in FCTC and the medallions were had and dropped. We were comparing the sizes of our e-peens and talked for maybe a week before it started to go downhill quick. I had done some pranks with him, and he invited someone named Hans or something into the call and I was favoring Hans because he was funny. Krapple sucked at pranks and used his annoying as fuck voice to do them in, and just repeated memes and unfunny sayings over and over again. Krapple and I would also text and chat on the phone a little bit, but I'd always end up making excuses to get off or ignore him because his voice annoyed the hell out of me. He ended up confessing he had a crush on me, and was getting jealous of me chatting to Hans. Around the same time of me rejecting his advances, he told me about how he was planning to open a new website [I think it was legi0n actually] and said he was going to go around town and put up posters advertising it and also planning IRL raids with those posters. I called him a complete fucking idiot and told him if he brought the internet to IRL in such a gay fashion I'd dox the shit out of him and that'd be that. We stopped talking shortly afterwards and he had it out for me ever since.”
 

 

— IHM on meeting Krapple


TL;DR Krapple is easily heartbroken and butthurt and then goes off on two year excursions making videos about those who spurned him.

Hold the Phone

Being the epic supertroll he thought he was, Mark decided it would be a fantastic (and not retarded in the slightest) idea to talk about teh internetz at a party he was invited to with a few friends he had from college. A few tales of righteous and noble internet calamity, paired with an experience level in drinking equivalent to that of a socially retarded turbo-virgin, suddenly gave Krapple the idea to prank call a former friend/crush-turned-enemy with whom a feud existed for no apparent reason. Allegedly, she told him he was ruining the internet by putting up fliers for an IRL raid. Mark gave the bonny lass' number to his gracious host, who pranked her by mumbling into his phone and then hanging up. Unfortunately for Mark, his shitfaced friend didn’t block his number, and the girl retaliated a few days later by calling said friend back and acquiring Mark’s dox.

Lulz Enterprises

"Everything will be up and running soon" uh no.
This piece of shit was supposed to be the new ED.

With Encyclopedia Dramatica nearing the end of its reign as an archive for the socially inept, Krapple decided to take up the mantle himself. He made another wise choice in purchasing a domain name and hosting space to make way for ED 2.0, dubbed "Lulz Enterprises." Eventually and inevitably, (the original) ED closed down and became Oh Internet, and Krapple thought this was his golden opportunity.

A chance to redeem himself and become the new leader of the most infamous e-drama site this side of "who gives a shit?" Unfortunately for him, he lived up to the precedent set forth by his predecessors, taking long naps under his funny hat, drinking cervezas, and smelling like shit. Before he could even get Lulz Enterprises properly set up, he discovered EncyclopediaDramatica.ch had swooped in and stolen all his thunder with the efficiency and speed of the US border patrol.

Since then, Krapple has not updated LulzEnterprises. Except for opening registration. Which is definitely going to help. Shortly after his wiki was flooded with his very own face, the domain was stolen and the site now redirects to this very article.

 
 
It's not like the site was ever updated anyway.
 

 

— Mark after finding out his site was taken from him.

Krapple Goes Full Retard

 
 
DON'T YOU DARE GIVE THEM ANYTHING ELSE.
 

 

—This is not funny in the slightest.

Sometime in March 2011, some pictures were leaked of Mark at a theme park. Mark responded by freaking the fuck out and demanding to know why the pictures were leaked. These clips of Mark yelling were recorded and then compiled into a remix made by one of his friends.

The spic on the horse goes round and round...


He had no idea what was coming to him...

Viva Lulz Vegas (Or, The Hangover Part 2 and a Half)

 
 
I'M GONNA GO GET A DRINK.
 

 

—Mark's vacation summed up in one sentence.

Sometime in late July, Krapple decided to go after another girl from the internet. So in a fashion similar to a date rapist, he invited a girl he fancied from the internet to visit Las Vegas with him and his family; obviously intending to make sweet, sweet gringo love. The girl saw right through Mark's game, however, and approached a mutual friend of her and Krapple's to devise a complex and elaborate plot to take advantage of the situation. The girl gave Krapple an ultimatum; allow the third friend to join them in Vegas, and she would gladly come to Vegas, too. Krapple, being the oblivious twat that he is, saw no problem in allowing another guy to partake in what was supposed to be a romantic fuckfest. Even after Krapple shelled out $700 to fly the duo to Casa de Krapple, and paid another $350 for the hotel room at the MGM fucking Grand, the trip was STILL a romantic fuckfest. Only Krapple wasn't included.

In the true stylings of master trolls, the mutual friend, although aware of Krapple's love for the girl, decided to hook up with her right in front of him. Literally, right in front of him. And to make matters even more unfortunate, they soiled his childhood treehouse prior to embarking on their vacation, left love stains in his own bed, and even used the condoms Krapple had bought because he assumed he was getting some during the trip.

Krapple looks out the window to get his mind off of the sex sounds coming from the bathroom

In response to this unforeseen complication, Krapple turned to the family friend of Mexican families everywhere, alcohol. Seemingly forgetting what happened the last time he was in a situation involving alcohol, Krapple downed eight beers in a single day. Two 1-Liter cans of Budweiser, three bottles of Kokanee, two Alaskan Ambers and a Corona later, Krapple was living the life of an angry retarded homeless man. In Las Vegas.


Mark is drunk.

Possibly the most wtf moment during the whole Vegas trip.

Ortiztic.

The infamous JEWS video(WARNING: VIDEO IS 15 MINUTES LONG)

Previous Video  |  Next Video

 
 
You should go sit by the window, Mark. The view is amazing. You can probably see beer from there.
 

 

— Krapple's friends attempting to get some alone time

 
 
I'VE BEEN LOOKING AT THE VIEW. THERE'S NO BEER
 

 

— drunk Mark can't find his cerveza outside

 
 
NO YOU SIT IN THE PICTURE
 

 

—Mark refusing to be in a picture while drunk

 
 
THEY'RE JEWS. THEY'RE DAMN JEWS.
 

 

— complaining about 25 cent slot machines

 
 
YOU'RE A BEER
 

 

— Mark making no sense after his beerfest

 
 
THIS IS LIKE. IT'S LIKE THE GREATEST CITY EVER!
 

 

—Mark flops his feet on the window and basks in his drunken stupor

Previous Quote | Next Quote

That's not even the tip of the iceberg, folks. Along with sitting in front of the window all goddamn day, Krapple also found it comforting to sip his white-trash-calibur beer to the rousing tune of the Soviet National Anthem, much to the confusion of his sexing companions. While walking the Strip, Krapple made a visible effort to keep several paces ahead of his friends. He refused to talk to them a majority of the time, using primal grunts and short, curt sentences instead of actual, intelligent responses. He also flat-out refused to enter the public hotel pool, though some argue this could have been out of embarrassment of his matted, patchy body hair.

Krapple's ingestion of ocho cervezas eventually caught up with him and he passed out cold in the hotel room. With Krapple finally out of the way, the fuckbuddies decided to roam Vegas unhindered by the stench of stale chimichangas and crappy beer. Amidst their pseudo-date, Krapple felt it was necessary to send the busy girl a series of tear-stained texts, expressing his displeasure at being stuck in the room with the Godzilla of hangovers while his friends were out having the time of their lives.

 
 
in hotel room hungover while friends are having fun... forever_alone.jpg
 

 

—One of his bawws.

 
 
i need a hug :'(
 

 

—How sad.

 
 
im stuck in the room and more miserable than i was before i got drunk off my ass. i hate my life.
 

 

—Poor beaner.

Upon their return, they found Krapple passed out again, and decided the time was right to have sex in front of him again. He obviously woke up somewhere in the middle, as his whimpers and sniffles managed to pierce the moans and pants of pleasure.

Along with his rambling and the behavior befitting a talentless red-carpet slut, Krapple also gave into his sadness the same way a fat kid gives into cake. Which isn't a new experience for ol' Mark.

While in the MGM hotel room, Krapple borrowed his romantic rival's computer and decided to make a Forever Alone post on 4chan. He refused to let anyone read the post, but they did manage to get the gist of it by hiding behind him as he typed;

 
 
Sup /b/. Ask a guy who shot himself in the foot by hooking up his friend and the girl he likes anything.
 

 

— Hilariously enough, it turns out that his thread got no replies.

On the way back to The City of Angels from the City of Sin, the lovebirds cuddled comfortably together in the backseat of the Ortizmobile while Krapple stared wide-eyed out the window, and said nothing in between his two breakfast burritos. Once back at the Ortiz family abode, Mark Sr., Krapple's dad, pulled Krapple and his male friend aside, saying how he wanted the girl to sleep in Krapple's bed while they kipped out on the sofas in the living room, because he didn't want "things" to happen. He didn't look at Mark the entire time, meaning that even his own father didn't think he would be getting laid any time in the foreseeable future.

Throughout the two days Krapple's best bros spent in LA before they returned to their respective homes, Krapple himself continued to be depressed and even refused to sit with them at a local Carl's Jr because he couldn't stand the sight of them showing affection in public.

Surprisingly enough, Mark had actually started to cheer up the night before the duo was set to fly back home. But the damage had already been done.


Lol Vegas About missing Pics



Current Whereabouts

Remember, Kopy is gay.

Krappleguy has recently been spotted prowling an even more pathetic avenue of the internet, Second Life. He began his career claiming to have been a member of the Patriotic Nigras, not realizing the group he joined was an actual copycat group full of Brazilians and not the real thing. He built for himself a persona of a red robot who has an obsession with black dicks, and constantly repeats to reveryone he meets that he's gay. He has since named himself an authority on any information about the Patriotic Nigras, claiming to have a hatred for the false group he originally joined, and deciding to form his own. His own group currently consists of him and a few autistic manchildren he dragged away from a group that was formed from the /vg/ board of 4chan. Since forming his mighty army, he has begged multiple groups and landowners on Secondlife to give him admin rights, getting them all taken away from him, as people see him as pathetic as he is over time. Even the people on Second Life, as sad and pathetic as they are have enough realization that something is wrong with him, and he is slowly becoming an outcast there as well. If anyone is interested in pestering him, or checking up on our favorite beaner, his SL name is "Schwartzenberg Robonaught", also followed by a collection of alt accounts, such as "secondgestapo". He hops from time to time on alternate accounts, pretending to have been banned for doing things, but it seems that is his main account now. His skype has changed as well, which is now "kentuckyfriedgeneral". Be sure to ask him about the pizza sim, it is the most recent one he lost admin rights from. He enjoys anchovies on his pizza.

Trivia

Quotes

 
 
Why did you send him anything in the first place?!
 

 

—Krapple is very upset.

 
 
*stress sigh*
 

 

—Mark's response to everything, in the same fashion as his hero

 
 
HE POSTED MY POWERWORD.
 

 

—Krapple freaking out again.

 
 
Pot. Kettle. Black.
 

 

—Krapple talking about himself

 
 
JEWS!
 

 

—Going outside gave Krapple tourettes

 
 
[11:06:18 PM] MC Pooh: my fursona is gabe newell, head honcho of valve co.

[11:06:57 PM] MC Pooh: my special power is delaying HL3.
 


 

—Krapple on "unfunny"

Previous Quote | Next Quote

Gallery

KreepleGuy About missing Pics

Links

Networking

  • kentuckyfriedgeneral (His new Skype he uses for Secondlife((Yes, really)))
  • tripleafroman Abandoned (Ask him to sing you some Mariachi)
  • kgschwartzenberg Hacked
  • MSN:
  • [email protected]
  • [email protected]
  • [email protected] Hacked

See Also

Topsecret.png
Classified:
This subject has been sloppy at covering their tracks and has left a trail of public information for Doxbin's specially trained team of e-detectives.

See Doxbin For More Info

KrappleGuy
is part of a series on
Second Life
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People

Anshe ChungChristoph NaumovaFelinoidIntLibKrispupLemonade CoyoteProkofy NevaRalphSkueeUrizenus Sklar

Groups

Justice League UnlimitedPatriotic NigrasFurNationW-HatThe Wrong Hands


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KrappleGuy is part of a series on

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KrappleGuy is part of a series on
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[]

Featured article November 8, 2011 & November 9, 2011
Preceded by
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KrappleGuy Succeeded by
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