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Jonmon

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A Johnny Depp type?  Maybe in the Elvis years.
Jonmon suits up to express his inner self.

Jonmon (Jonathan Graves Monsarrat, a.k.a. Johnny Monsarrat), known as jonmon at MIT, as make_you_laugh on OKCupid, and as a total idiot the world over, is the world's most sexually desperate man. At the age of 44, he chases 16 year old girls in the hope of curing his virginity.

Contents

The Match-Up debacle

In 2003, jonmon decided to start his very own Valentine's Day dating website using his l33t skillz. The site required members divulge lots of personal information in order to use the service, and promised to match each member up with over 9000 potential mates. Instead, the women got matched up with jonmon and 8,999 sockpuppets.

 
 
Hey! Let me put it this way. I'm a good judge of character. You seem fantastic. I'd like to meet you. Love that 'Up late talking and snuggling on the sofa' and 'Singing to me.' Sure, I'll play guitar & sing for you. :) I know you're busy and this whole dating thing feels like a burden. Maybe we can change all that. What have you got to lose? Being romanced by a tall, fun, handsome gentleman will be quite nice! :) Zing me a note and let's do a 'just coffee'. When? Or just email is fine if you're shy. My profile is below, and two pics are attached. :) Ciao, bella! Jon
 

 

—jonmon, providing excellent matchmaking services to one of the female applicants at Match-Up

The cops got called in, ruining all of Johnny's fun. Rumors that he was forced to put a tracking device on his peener are totally true and should be accepted without question, except that nobody makes microscopic tracking devices. Yet.

OKCupid: How Not To Date

His desperation unabated, jonmon proceeded to create a now-deleted profile on OKStupid, named make_you_laugh. Never were truer words spoken. He put up an image of himself standing next to an electronic highway sign he defaced, advertising his need for attention to the world. He then proceeded to hit on anything wet and concave.

The results in one case are were documented in a LiveJournal entry. Jonmon nagged his potential date, repeatedly begging her not to cancel at the last minute. She smelled desperation, especially when he made his request the fourth time in a row, using the exact same words. She backed away. The results were full of lulz and fail:

  willowfinna: Hey there
  mitcarpediem: HEyeyEyeyeyEY
  mitcarpediem: How's it going?
  willowfinna: Um. It's goin' ok.
  mitcarpediem: That's good to hear
  mitcarpediem: Im doing great too, looking forward to seeing you
  willowfinna: Yeah
  willowfinna: About that
  mitcarpediem: one sec
  mitcarpediem: before you say anything you'll regret
  willowfinna: Oh good lord
  mitcarpediem: Are you sure you're too tired, too busy, too anxious, to see me for just one hour
  willowfinna: Its not any of those things, actually
  mitcarpediem: and that youd rather leave me with nothing to do on a Friday night leaving a pretty bad first impression?
  willowfinna: You won't get any kind of impression
  willowfinna: Your email kinda freaked me out
  mitcarpediem: I'll get the impression that you cancelled on short notice, which is rude, and I probbaly won't want to reschedule
  mitcarpediem: I'm just tired of the drama
  willowfinna: If I cancel, there won't be an option to reschedule, that's the whole point
  mitcarpediem: Frankly, so what if you're freaked out. Get a fucking grip.
  mitcarpediem: I'm so tired of women with drama
  willowfinna: Does that tactic work for you?
  willowfinna: Get a lot of dates with that?
  willowfinna: I get the feeling you get stood up a lot
  willowfinna: Hence the preamble
  willowfinna: Am I right?
  mitcarpediem: It's like you're a little time bomb exploding whenever you feel "anxious"
  mitcarpediem: So you don't have much self-confidence, that's not my fault.
  willowfinna: How would you know?
  mitcarpediem: Don't take it out on me.
  willowfinna: You've spoken to me, maybe, four or five times
  willowfinna: You know nothing about me other than what you project
  willowfinna: And what little I've told you
  willowfinna: I'm not trying to be rude
  mitcarpediem signed off at 7:14:19 PM.

His followup email was even better:

 
 
I'm laughing here because I know this game and I'm not falling a victim to it. First you feel anxious like the world is going to end. You like to call people "creepy" which is your way of saying you view the world as though it's full of freaks. Then you start to accuse the people around you. You really couldn't help yourself emailing me... (and I didn't email you) but then you accuse me of lacking restraint. Oh, the irony.

I know this game. Everything in your life that's wrong is someone else's fault. If my email to you made you uncomfortable, why, it must be someone else's fault. I bet you're really good at complaining. It helps to prop up your ego that other people are worse than you and in the soap opera of your life, you are always right, and everyone else is always wrong. You are the victim.

I know this game. If you write me again, I'm not going to read or respond.

 

 

—jonmon, dealing well with rejection

Fetish fails

jonmon was occasionally seen at fetish fairs, leading acne-scarred loli around on leashes and generally acting like an old-fashioned gentleman. He used these events to promote his vampire-wannabe wankfest, Midnight Seduction, which is endorsed by women who are very female and not at all jonmon pretending to be female:

 
 
Midnight Seduction is a creative and sexy way to meet new people in a setting you would not encounter at an average party. Some of my closest sexual partners were people I first interacted with at this game.
 

 

jonmonBerlynn, recommending Midnight Seduction to one and all

Jonmon also tried to attract "kink-friendly" roommates via a Craigslist ad. This effort has had been preserved for posterity. As one commenter noted: "wait so he pretty much wants a fuckable maid?" Yes. Yes, he did.

Cries for attention

The Question Wheel

The questionable party

Suing and censoring the Internet

In May 2013, Jonmon sued 101 people for allegedly saying bad things about him on LiveJournal, allegedly causing him to become allegedly fat. No, seriously! See the "Fifth Claim for Relief"! The man actually complains that the internet made him fat. The full complaint includes such choice examples of cruel things said to him as:

 
 
"[Plaintiff] WAS PROVIDING ALL THOSE 16-YEAR-OLDS WITH SAGE ADVICE AND GUIDANCE."

This is a false and untrue statement damaging the Plaintiff.
 


 

Apparently, the advice was really bad. Also,

 
 
"If you haven't read the [Encyclopedia Dramatica article], it's ... memorable"

This is a false and untrue statement damaging the Plaintiff.
 


 

Apparently this article is forgettable!


Jonmon is part of a series on Dying Alone

Poemo.jpg Those Who Have Died Alone

Aaron SwartzAmy WinehouseAnna Nicole SmithAmanda ToddBrandon CrispCharmaine DragunCodey PorterEdaremElvis PresleyHeath LedgerLemonade CoyoteLoki BlackfangLiloMegan MeierMichael JacksonMitchell HendersonMySpaceOtoya YamaguchiRicardo LopezRipperRudolph ZurickShawn WoolleyShayTyler Dumstorf

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