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Jersey Shore

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ITALIAN PRIDE BITCH!
GTL: the Guido mantra
Jersey Shore meets South Park: Snooki mounts Cartman
 
 
I didn't know much about Italian-Americans before watching Jersey Shore. Now I feel as if I was born hating them; as if despising Italian-Americans is my moral duty.
 

 

Charlie Brooker on Jersey Shore.

Sometime in 2009, cable television's reality show channel, MTV, decided to add a new spin to its successful Real World formula of throwing a bunch of douchebags in a house and filming the results. It's like a free trip to your local zoo, only you stay at home and watch dumber animals while feeling your fat ass grow on your living room couch. With this shit show, eight incomplete Italian-Americans were kidnapped and taken to Seaside Heights, New Jersey, to spend the summer doing what they do. The result, which first aired on December 3, 2009, was the most amazing thing ever seen on television. Some found this as good and entertaining show others found this to be a sign of the apocalpyse, which brings us forward to 2012, where culture, creativity, and humanity no longer exist and the only network left on TV is MTV which plays on a continous loop, until even those who were a fan of the show are now saying they would rather watch Beavis and Butthead, as they had a more meanful message to send to those that are still alive and havent killed themselves to having to subjected to faggy italian douchebags. Never mind the fact that MTV pissed off (and on) many different Italian-American groups, the ratings and money this shit show pulled in was good enough to afford high-quality lawyers to win their lawsuits! Scientists predicted that this cultural landmark would set the tone for the 2010s, much as 9/11 was a defining moment of the 2000s. Everyone on /tv/ loves the show, except for Kaiji, because it doesn't have any 8 year olds on it. Also, Gawker live-blogs and then recaps every episode.

As of 9/11 September 10, 2010, MTV has added four more seasons of Jersey Shore (or The New Jersey Life of Macaroni Rascals, as it is known in Japan) to their schedule, because they are making serious bank with the insanely high ratings Season Two has been getting.

Contents

The Mutant Cast

Hunting for cock

Angelina "Jolie" Pivarnick (Age 22) Staten Island, New York - Professional whore/bartender once quoted saying she was "the Kim Kardashian of Staten Island" due to her "all natural" figure. Constantly bitched and moaned, almost to a point people thought that she was more likely a Jew than a Wop. Got into fights with everyone, namely the 'roided alpha-males in the house (Pauly D being an easy target), and had to break up with her boyfriend within the first episodes of Season 1 because she could no longer stand men. She was kicked out of the house after she refused to do simple jobs to pay her rent.

Cock goes where?

Jenni "JWoww" Farley (Age 23) Franklin Square, New York - DeviantArt draw-bitch and pole-dancer who also dabbled in the fine art of gold-digging. Fucked Pauly D all the time, despite having a boyfriend and Pauly D being very obviously gay for The Situation. Eventually broke up with her boyfriend after she realized that life as a beard/fuckdoll for a bunch of pissed-off "club DJs" pays a lot better than slumming with another artfag.

Totally not high

Michael "The Situation" Sorrentino (Age 27) Staten Island, New York - AKA Guido Jesus in the flesh. He's an assistant manager at a gym in Staten Island, gets any bitch he wants, and makes off like a thief as a "sensitive" Guido. He was finally offered a promotion to manager after Season 2, but a trial period at the helm was a dismal failure due to his inability to read or complete simple math equations. A private tutor was hired for the meat-head, who approached the dilemma by making Mike count fist-pumps, grenades, and his own abs. The Situation causes 2/3rds of all the male drama on the show, usually for shits and giggles because, really, who the fuck is going to mess with him? He mentions in one of the episodes that he's an ex-male stripper, as well. Yet another thing to add to the list of things he's done that you will never accomplish. He's also the best-paid member of the cast, making upwards of $60,000 an episode, and supplements this unwarranted wealth with all the money he makes from his gym, promotional deals with Vitamin Water, a workout video to get sweet abs, and was recently confirmed for "Dancing with the Stars", bringing his total bank-roll this year to almost 5 MILLION DOLLARS (more on this later in the article). If there is a God, he's trolling us all.

Snooki clearly having a seizure

Nicole "Snooki" (or Snickers) Mexican (Age 21) Mexican via Chile - A self-proclaimed "guidette" who's obsessed with pickles and going to a technical school to work on animals (or get access to some delicious Ketamine and animal growth hormones for her friends, one is not really sure). She's an ex-pro-ana, and judging from how fat she is now, one wonders why she stopped. One thing she never threw up or refused is a Guido dicking, which is literally the only reason the rest of the cast keeps her around - she will, has, and wants to fuck every last Guido on this blue marble. She's also the bitch that gets punched in one of the classic episodes for running her whore mouth around like a drunken, orange ape. Usually, she makes ends meet by taking a fist full of sand, shoving it into her vagina, letting it ferment in there for 2-3 days before queefing out pearls to sell at the local pawn shops. This same technique was first patented by Kim Kardashian. Perhaps the fatass of Jersey Shore, it has been revealed that she has an eating disorder. No, seriously.

In Season 5 Snookie turned out to be a furry, wearing a bunny suit she called lucie. According to polls, this actually improved her appearence.

Pauly D has a tiny, tiny dick

Paul "DJ Pauly D" DelVecchio (Age 28) Johnston, Rhode Island - A half-assing club DJ from Rhode Island who is the cause of most misery and all STDs within the group during Season 1, and likely Season 2. He's constantly trying to be the alpha-male in the house, which is a bit amusing to watch when he's half the height of Mike and half the size of Vinny. Most of this may stem from the fact he's the oldest, but he's also the dumbest, slowest, and most easily tricked into doing things for the rest of the group. HEAVILY abused for his cash by the rest of the cast, which could be the only reason they keep this wigger retard around. Also suspected of knowing the true identity of the now infamous 'Puppy Pitcher'.


Guido Mating Ritual

Ronnie "Roid-Rage" Ortiz-Magro (Age 23) Mexican - Roided-up dumbass who was supposedly coked-up for all of season 3. Nobody really cares about this asshole, except he took a pair of tits off the market. Speaking of...

At least she's hot

Sammi "Sweetheart" Giancola (Age 22) Hazlet, New Jersey - One is actually from New Jersey, and is propagating this faggotry? Yes. "The sweetest bitch you'll ever meet" is what she claimed herself to be. What we got was yet another droning, annoying whore who can't spell her own last name without it being tattoo'd on someone. She's one of the few cast members to have gone to a "REAL" college. This college due too its high nigger population, would be considered Niggerversity by some people and is next to the ghetto they call Patterson NJ, she had her first buttsecks and AIDS encounter as she learned how to sell crack and wasted time playing Soccer at this fine university, so she's just like the rest of these sad, orange bastards. She, much like the man she fell in TV-Love with, Ronnie, has nothing else that really separates her from the rest of the cast except she fights with Snooki a lot about who's the bigger slut (the correct answer being, "Who isn't?!").

Doesn't afraid of pit-stains

Vinny "Vincenzo" Guadagnino (Age 21) - Staten Island, New York - Mama's Boy, Pit-Stains Himself, Definer of Fist-Pumping, All-Around Douchebag. He's an "actor" who graduated from a community college and "plans to attend law school if acting doesn't work out." Yeah, we'll see when that happens. Anyway, he's one of the other more vocal members and, quite oddly, the voice of reason when it comes to most of the house drama and hanging out at nightclubs, meaning that unless he's angry, the lulz is likely to stop when he's in the scene. He's also one of the few leather-faced morons that can pass for human, mostly due to his not injecting steroids into his ass every other day to get his sweet bod; for your basement-dwellers, that's basically saying he left the house, went to a gym, and didn't devour pounds of Top Ramen and Cheetos all day while playing WoW and fapping to an animu girlfriend from Lucky Star.

Deena arrested (unluckily later she gets freed)

Deena Nicole Cortese (Age 23) - New Egypt, NJ - Angelina's Season Three replacement, because nobody likes Angelina or wants her around. Since Season Three is currently filming, nothing is known about her besides her MySpace profile, which has been taken down due to her being on the show, or something. Actually Italian. Also loves pussy.


The duckphone

Duckphone (Age Unknown) - Staten Island, New York - The least-retarded cast member, and a minor IRL meme of the show that causes all of the call-drama within the house whenever the cast isn't using their cellphones. Once, helped convince a dumbass guido that Angelina was dead along with Snooki's help, and another time, helped break up Jwoww's relationship with her man-child of an ex-boyfriend. May secretly be recording all of the house's conversations to later blackmail them all later when The Situation and Pauly D get their own spin-off shows.

The Goodfeathers (Varying ages) - Florence, Italy The avian heroes of Season 4, as these Italian patriots seem to constantly attack the cast members in the house when they are at their most vulnerable, no doubt telling them to get the fuck out of Italy as Italian Pigeons do not approve of these Guidos faggotry polluting their homes.

Glossary

  • Anonymous: 12-year-olds who snitch on guys who cheat on their girlfriends.
  • Battling: When Guidos flail about on a dance floor.
  • Beat Up The Beat: Guidos are sometimes intimidated by the power of the music, and do a strange ritual which involves crouching low to the ground and slapping the floor, gradually rising into the air in full fist-pump mode.
  • Chicken Cutlet: A rubber fake boob chicks, traps, or underage girls put in their bras to make it look like they have tits. Makes shark music when floating in a pool.
  • Creep Mode: Being on the prowl for pussy.
  • "Done": What an extremely dumb clingy girl (cough, Sammi, cough) claims to be, when she lacks the willpower to actually break up with her boyfriend. It involves walking away, proclaiming "I'm done." and "fuck you." before going back to the guy and arguing with him some more.
  • Fist Pump/Pumping: The art of fapping in the air to the drum-beat of a song, usually off-tempo.
  • G.F.F.: The "Grenade Free Foundation", a declaration of solidarity to not bring home ugly chicks. No member of the G.F.F. has ever succeeded in living up to their G.F.F. oath.
fuckin grenades
  • Gorilla Juicehead: Roided up Guidos that Snooki prefers to have sex with.
  • Grenade: Fugly chicks you accidentally have sex with. Alternatively, you "fall on a grenade" so your friend can have sex with the fatty's hot friend.
  • Grenade Grundle Chode: A male Grenade.
  • GTL: Gym, Tanning and Laundry: the Guido mantra. In order to be "fresh" for the club, you need to G) work out, T) dye your skin orange, and L) have brand-new, never-worn clothing that is allegedly stylish.
  • Hippopotamus: A chubby chick whose friend you want to have sex with.
  • House Music: What Guidos think they are dancing/having seizures to at clubs. Sometimes they are.
  • I.F.F.: The "I'm Fucked Foundation", which you are a member of if you have done something that is going to incite drama later. Members include Angelina and Roid Rage Ronnie.
  • JAGAHBAWMS: Fukkin' JAGAH! No srsly, it's Jager and Red Bull, and tastes like cough syrup and warm piss. Better with Full Throttle, but Guidos don't want to know that because they like the taste of piss.
  • Land-Mine: Skinny ugly chicks you accidentally have sex with. As with grenades, you might do this so your friend can have sex with the uggo's hot friend. Term coined by The Situation.
  • Loosey-Goosey: Angelina. May or may not describe the status of her vagina after Vinny's humongous schlong was in it.
  • M.I.A.: Miami. Don't ask why, just roll with it.
  • M.V.P. Night: Mike, Vinny and Pauly just realized their initials spell out "M.V.P.", so now they have special nights together. This is totally not gay even though they went to Bed together.
  • Pound On: To have sex with a girl. Or, potentially, another guy, as long as you're the "top".
  • The Robbery: When you are at a club, and your friend is dancing with some slut, you get her attention while he's not looking, and bang her, you have just pulled off The Robbery.
  • Ron-Ron Juice: What the Guidos drink before going out clubbing. Presumably a mixture of Vodka, Kool Aid, and Ronnie's semen.
  • The Shirt Before The Shirt: A wifebeater worn around the house until it is time to spray yourself down with bronzer and AXE, and put on your metrosexual clubbing shirt. This is a male-only practice amongst Guidos. Guidettes just throw on something from a store that caters to trannies and call it a night.
  • The Smash Room: The room you smoosh in. Don't know what smooshing is? Look below.
  • Sloppy: Drunk as hell
  • Sloptart: Any drunk and emotional girl
  • Smash/Smoosh: To have sex.
  • Sushi: Like Cannollis, except with fish.
  • T-Shirt Time: When you put on the shirt after the shirt before the shirt. You know it's T-shirt time when a bunch of dudes start singing "It's T-shirt tiiiiiiiiime! T-shirt tiiiiiiiiiiiiime!"
  • Work: Getting drunk, dancing and making out with a bunch of whores, then coming home to your ex-girlfriend, claiming you didn't do anything with any other girls, and having sex with her. Not to be confused with carrying out the duties of an employee, which is something Guidos avoid at all costs. Especially Angelina.

In Season three an amazing device was brought back from Pauly D's home, known as a grenade whistle, it is to alert anyone around the grenades AKA ugly Jersey hoe bags are present.

The most intellectual moments of Jersey Shore


Just a little compilation of the most intellectual moments

Highlight Reel

JWoww non-sequituring

Pauly D Awesome Single!

Previous Video  |  Next Video

Lyrics

This is DJ Pauly D 
Being a guido is a way of life 
I don't represent all Italians, I represent myself 
I started this whole GTL shit: Gym, Tan, and Laundry 
You gotta stay fresh to death

Yo, how come every time I'm DJ'ing, there be a hot ass girl but she got an ugly ass friend 
C'mon man, I ain't got no time for that 
I'm only dealing with nines and tens, not threes and fours 
So if your trying to get into my DJ booth, and your trying to come home with me DJ Pauly D 
Then you and your friends better come correct 
There will be no grenades tonight 

Where all my ladies at, make some noise! 
Where my fellas at, I can't forget my dawgs make some noise! 
When I'm in your city and your rockin' with DJ Pauly D 
And that beat hits you, you gotta fight back 
So what I need you to do is get down real low and tap that ground 
Keep hitting it! (x2) 
Now work your way up and fight that beat. Fight that beat! 
Now pump your fists!

Shit That Will Make You Facepalm

  • Angelina Didn't Stay, Got Her Ass Beat: Okay, it was more of Snooki's sloppy seconds, some dude named Jeff. But it's still fucking hilarious. You stay with Angelina, you get your ass beat. You stay with Angelina, you get your ass beat. You stay with Angelina, you get your ass beat. You stay with Angelina, you get your ass beat.
  • The Situation Writes A Book: And it comes off more like a dude trying to hit on another dude. Check it:
 
 
At some point you're going to want to hit that dance floor, because there's no way you can stand the beat pumping through your body without surrendering to its gravitational pull.

Fist-pumping became a club necessity when the dance floor got so crowded from the bumping house music that the only place left to dance was up. To execute the perfect fist-pump, follow these simple steps: Listen to the music, feel the beat, and let your body begin to respond unconsciously. Go only with what feels right in that moment. Don't worry about what looks polished. Who cares what some gorilla thinks while he's watching you vibe on the floor. Why is some dude looking at you, anyway? Close your eyes and start furiously pumping your fist at the air. That's right, not into the air, but at it. You've got to beat back that beat. Battle it, bro. You can't let it win. The deep, thumping bass seizes hold of your every corpuscle. Let the beat strip away those last vestiges of self-conscious embarassment as you pound, pound, pound the air into rhythmic submission. Battle harder. Keep battling, dawg. Never surrender.

Ah, but in the end, the beat always wins. As it always should.
 


 

—The Situation's Ghost-writer

  • The Situation is Mel Gibson: According to an exit interview with one of the many women The Situation did not have sex with during season two, one of his pickup lines is "Can you just shut up and blow me?", as well as asking "Do you like getting your hair pulled? I need to know for later when I'm going to fuck you." Later, she ended up at a Jay Leno taping, not aware that The Situation was a guest, and things got awkward.
  • Angelina makes a godawful rap song: Evidently, Angelina is not done whoring herself out yet. So she put out this rap song, called "I'm Hot." In it, some douchebag guy raps right along with her, talking about how hot she is and how misunderstood she is. Well, Angelina, we actually understand you perfectly. You're a self-absorbed, fat, ugly, vapid cunt and you want the whole wide world to know it. Did I hit the nail on the head?
EAR RAPE IMMINENT

Gallery

Are you a guido? See how you react to this music

The 16th Minute(s) of Fame

Dancing With The Stars - Fist-Pumping to Classic Dancing

Vitamin Water - Situational Training

Jimmy Kimmel Live - Sesame Shore

Jimmy Kimmel Live - The Situation Loses PART 1

Jimmy Kimmel Live - The Situation Loses PART 2

South Park - SNOOKI MONSTER

Previous Video  |  Next Video

TL;DR

Fat, hideous sluts get drunk and punch bitches before rolling home to fuck their 'roided-out co-stars. In 2020 when the Chinese come to override American politics, their fans are already prime candidates for Soylent Green.

See Also

Links

  • SnookTV - Because you want to see more of a short Mexican pretending to be a wop.
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Featured article September 2, 2010
Preceded by
Girl Drama
Jersey Shore Succeeded by
Puppy Pitcher / Duke Nukem Forever
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