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Jack Thompson

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Info non-talk.png JACK THOMPSON FOUND GUILTY ON 27 MISCONDUCT CHARGES, THEN PERMANENTLY DISBARRED AND FINED 40 GRAND
 
 
ALL VIDEO GAMES ARE KILLING SIMULATORS!!!!1!ONE!NINE-ELEVEN!!11!
 

 

—Jack Thompson

Banned Town Software Development Group implements a new first-person shooter in which one has a BBQzooka to blow away monsters and teammates.

Jack Thompson (Real name: John B Thompson) is a senile old lawyer, Concerned Mother, and overall lolcow from Florida. His son was allegedly pwned by a guy with a bat, but everyone knows that this is just how Jack trolls IRL. He claims that his son's pwner was someone so retarded that they needed to play GTA 3 in order to learn how to kill someone with a baseball bat, even though everyone learned how to do this in gym class in grade school. Thus, it is Jackoff's primary goal in life to mix the tears of gamers worldwide with some cheap vodka and make a toast to Satan. The silly old man rambles on about how GTA is bad for kids, but has never touched a computer in his life, and is incapable of operating anything more technologically advanced than a manual eggbeater. Jack constantly tries to cover up the fact that he's a horrific lawyer and second rate human being by suing everyone and everything that disagrees with him, losing, and then suing the people who call him an idiot.

Contents

Today

Jack has had recent stints in the online community, like getting pwned by Penny Arcade, VG Cats and other online comics. He actually tried to get the Penny Arcade guys arrested, but since he isn't an internet lawyer, he couldn't get the job done. He instead went on a killing spree, snorting cocaine off of a dead prostitute like in that one book he read.

Jack Thompson recently threatened our brother to the south, Wikipedia, for publishing an accurate article for a change. Wikipedia gave in like the pussies they are and posted only information Jackass Thompson felt was credible. This is a good example of Jack being the douchebag he is. We here feel bad that Wikipedia allowed Mr. Thompson to ram his 3 inch penis into their ass until they submitted.

When he isn't suing everybody, Jack likes to get on public TV and get into fights with people like Adam Sessler from G4 TV. This particular argument lasted several days, filled with yelling, punching, screaming, biting, and hot non-heterosexual sex.

Making him get butthurt

Several ways to make Jackass get butthurt:

  • Mention his Failures: Ask about his crusade against The Sims 2 or how his video game is selling.
  • Sleep with his family members: Warning: You may have to consume near fatal amounts of alcohol to achieve this goal.
  • Have him Committed: Mental institutes are no fun place to spend your golden years.
  • Send him Flowers: I hear he likes roses.
  • Take the Quiz: How well do YOU know Jack Thompson? DEAD
  • Piss him off: Ask him to be not-gay and not-retarded
  • Ask him how his marriage is going: This one is pretty straight forward
  • Contact the Florida Bar Association: Jack Thompson probably wants to keep his job. Lots of people don't want him to keep his job. And frankly, Jack Thompson is HORRIBLE at his job.

SUCCESS!! The Florida State Bar recently dropped the banhammer on Jack, forbidding him from practicing law. When told the news, a butthurt Jack turned around and sued the Bar Association. That's right, he sued a bunch of lawyers.

vs. Penny Arcade

Jack Thompson wrote a letter in which he said he would donate $10,000 to charity if somebody created a game in which the protagonist's son was murdered by somebody who played violent video games. To avenge his son's death, the father goes on a killing spree, murdering video game developers and urinating on their brain stems. Of course when somebody actually made the game, Jackass was quick to withdraw his bet, stating that it was just for satire. Apparently he thinks killing people and urinating on their brain stems is hilarious.

Penny Arcade heard this, and they then donated $10,000 to the charities "for Jack Thompson, because Jack Thompson won't." Jack then threatened to sue Penny Arcade to get his man-hood back. He never did sue them because he didn't have the balls. This was the first time in at least 100 years that Penny Arcade has done anything useful or remotely lulzy and will most probably be the last.

Virginia tech shooting

On April 16, 2007, the douchebag extraordinaire appeared on CNN. Why CNN thought a christfag lawyer would have anything useful to contribute to a serious discussion about a school shooting is unknown. Before the shooter had even been identified, Thompson knew the shooter played violent video games because only people who play violent video games shoot other people. It turned out that Cho Seung-Hui was, in fact, not teh harcorez, but did play Counter-Strike when he was in high school: four years before the shootings. According to Fagson, this means he was correct. In a way, Thompson was right about video games causing people to kill each other because at the time of the Virginia Tech shootings, Cho was into Sonic the Fucking Hedgehog, srsly.

Jack Thompson Sends Gay Porn with a Court Filing

Jackthompsongaypron.PNG

Jackass Thompson moved up from his status of insane, to absolutely fucking batshit insane when he filed a document to U.S. District Court Judge Adalberto Jordan, including several photos of hardcore gay sex. Why would anyone do this, you ask? Thompson was throwing a hissy fit because Norm Kent, a criminal defense attorney from Fort Lauderdale who also publishes the National Gay News, sent a court filing for “distribution of hardcore porn to anyone of any age,” which Thompson thought was too crazy. The hardcore gay buttsecks photos actually came from sponsors of the National Gay News website, and apparently Thompson thought the best way to prove hardcore gay porn shouldn't be available to everyone, was to send a load of it to the judge presiding over the case.

 
 
Through his actions, Mr. Thompson made available for unlimited public viewing, on the court’s docketing system, these graphic images.
 

 

—Judge Adalberto Jordan, discussing how Thompson put gay porn on a government owned website

This isn't the first time the dumbass has done this either. On separate occasions, Thompson put inappropriate and pornographic images on his own petitions which were completely unrelated to his actual argument. Ever ready to become a martyr, Thompson said he is prepared to face jail time for doing this, and compared himself to Paul Revere, saying that holding him in contempt "for alerting the federal court system to the criminal activity...is akin to arresting Paul Revere, in 1775, for 'disturbing the peace' with his midnight ride..." Now, because Thompson likes putting gay sex photos on his legal documents, he faces professional misconduct charges from the Florida Bar, and could have his license to practice law taken away.

 
 
I’m not the one in trouble. The judge found a certain lawyer’s material obscene. I absolutely love it. This is the best thing to happen to me in a long, long time. Check my [case] filings, sweetie.
 

 

—Jack Thompson, talking to GamePolitics.com

WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!!

Jack Thompson Signs GTA 3, Sold On eBay

Thompson's signature.JPG

On January 1st, a copy of GTA 3, signed by Thompson, appeared on eBay. However, it's $4,000 dollars so no-one is going to fucking buy it, even if it is for charity. The auction. BALEETED

What Does The Future Hold?

After writing a wonderfully fail letter to Strauss Zelnick's mother trying to reason with her on a moral level, the future is uncertain for Jack Thompson. All that is currently known is that he now resides somewhere in the region of a grue. Hopefully. Also see top about him being permab& from being an utter idiot.

Jackthompsonisgay.jpg

So it's true, Jack?

Also, as of July 8, 2008, Florida wins teh internetz for disbarring the little bitch. But Jack says that never happened.

Targets

The following is a list of things the former esteemed lawyer blames on vidya gaymz.

  • The Holocaust (the end of course)
  • The Original Sin
  • Every school shooting... evar!
  • Niggers
  • Rationality

External Links


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