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Hot Topic

From Encyclopedia Dramatica

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ProfessorFarnsworth.png Good News Everyone!
HOT TOPIC IS IN THE UK NAO!!11


An example of Hot Topic customers.
Niggers have invaded Hot Topic.

Hot Topic, also known as Hot Pocket, was started in 1988 by Orv Madden, and has spread like AIDS in the late 90's thanks to the rise of the emo, punk, and goth subcultures among America's teens, and now has sprouted to a fuckton of locations. Hot Topic provides clothing, accessories, and novelty items to America's goths, punk and emo subcultures. From band merchandise and overpriced "gothic" and punk clothes to Care Bears and other 80's faggotry. Hot Topic has set the modern fashion standards for the above mentioned douchebags. Everything in the fucking store is overpriced. Like paying $25 for a fucking WALLET.

Hot Topic is on the NASDAQ, under the ticker HOTT.

Cool things about shopping at Hot Topic include being seen around other gay little Marilyn Mansonites thus making you cool, paying upwards of $50 for a pair of pants that will completely fall apart within a few months of normal wear, buying patented "finger armor" (to put on your fingers before you dare to explore your nasty goth girlfriend's cavernous vagina), telling your friends how dark and mysterious you are for going there to buy Johnny The Homicidal Maniac comics, and eventually, coming to sneer at the place you used to love so much because they've "sold out" and are now catering to emos, scene kids, goths and even hipsters.

Contents


How to Find a Hot Topic

This is how a typical Hot Topic consumer rages against the system.

Hot Topic can be identified up close by its large black circular entrance with retarded spiderweb-reminiscent iron webbing and small display of novelty t-shirts in two windows located adjacent on either side. However, from a distance, the store usually can be identified by emo, punk, goth or fag metal music playing at high volume and the putrid smell of incense. Music varies from location to location, depending on the musical preferences of the store's clerks, as well as the season in which the store is visited (example: fag metal is played in the summer, but is only allowed to be played certain times during the fall, winter, and spring - "the School Year" for all the kids who shop there). Tara Gilesbie travels to the United States daily to shop at Hot Topic. The lighting in the store will also be dimmed down to the point where consumers will not know all the terrible shit they just bought until they are outside. At this point the consumer can't return the product because typical hot topic consumers melt in the sun.

JuggaletteJenny shops at Hot Topic.

It should also so be noted that Hot Topic is the easiest store to shoplift in the entire mall, or even in the entire world. All you need to do is walk in, grab something, and stroll out. The sensors (if they even bother putting them there) don't do anything and the employees act like they're watching out for thieves but are just sitting around asking random customers if they need help finding something and that they're all out of Korn t-shirts. But why would you even want to steal something from such a store that you find to be a black mark against the fashion industry, regardless you'll totally look badass to your friends because you stole a NES controller pin from the store and that you're such a rebel and the man can't touch you? After all, the main highway to taking down the machine is followed by pilfering small items from stores that you claim to support.Then again, you can always do it for the lulz. They actually stopped carrying those stupid little buttons because there was a high rate of theft; there was a cry throughout the world as scene kids no longer had a way to express themselves. Hot Topic heard that cry, and started carrying the five finger discount buttons again.


Marketing Skills

In an example of life coming full circle, Hot Topic has taken steps toward eliminating fat girls - once a dominating force in whimpering music subcultures - from their locations, though they still sell plus-size gothic lolita clothing (which is horrifying). They have begun opening a chain of stores, called Torrid (A.K.A. Fat Topic), that provide fat girls a place to purchase clothing that is decidedly less "hot topic". These stores are normally located on separate floors to help keep the fat girls from accidentally wandering into Hot Topic. Any Torrid is hopefully kept at ground or better basement level to keep the building from caving in. Also fat girls get too sweaty from taking the escalator.

Poorly-made Clothing

All of the clothes that Hot Topic makes is from chinks who know nothing of the "Don't Tell Me" Culture. All clothing articles usually fall apart within less than 60 seconds of purchase. When you actually put on the clothes at home, the black loses its sheen, the bottom seven inches of the pant legs fray and rip themselves off, the seams on your ass and crotch tear open, the chains rust and all the neon green paint on them chips off, and you look like a fucking EMO bastard drinking coffee at an old coffee shop while on the computer talking with AIM, lulzing it up. If you think you're getting a good deal during the half off clearance sales (that's 50% off then another 50%, making a total of 75% off, retard), you're not. You're still wasting $5 on something that's going to fall apart in a week.

Hot Topic Backlash

If you're shopping here to fit in, you FAIL.
As edgy as edgy gets.
Wear these, and watch the "real goths" point at you and laugh as you walk by.

On the internet, Hot Topic has become the equivalent of a black person to be hurled by emo white chicks at each other to diss their punk credibility. Example: "I'll kick your Hot Topic ass." (not to be confused with "I used to shop at Hot topic and buy all my clothes there, but now that over 9000 million other people shop there as well, I think it's gay and I think YOU'RE gay for going there.") This can greatly damage the rep of an emo chick and can only be reversed by listing at least three obscure bands that no one else has heard of (little-known bands like Fallout Boy, My Chemical Romance, or Panic At The Disco fit this category nicely), or by quoting Less Than Jake lyrics.

Hot Topic is NOT PUNK ROCK

Making the video series My Immortal was not punk rock. However, doing it for the lulz is punk rock.

NOTE: Even thought he may be right, MC Lars is a faggot and he's not punk either. Srsly, go listen to The Minutemen.

Hot topic is not t3h ub3r 1337 h4x

Kind of like an irl 4chan /b/, Hot Topic is now catering to the newfag population of America. Selling overpriced shitty merchandise based off of old memes, such as Chuck Norris, All Your Base, Domo-kun, the cake is a lie, Trollface and other well respected pieces of internet culture. It's helpful to know that as of September, 2008, they have taken their marketing schemes to a whole new level, as now you can stroll on down to the store and pick up a nice V for Vendetta mask for 8 dollars. Henceforth, preteens now run around their local mall under the delusion that they are anonymous, when it's obvious they're just a bunch of scene fags who are losing the game.

Hot Topic doesn't care about you

Had a bad store experience? Hole in your new Tripp pants? Got treated like crap because you tried to make a return? Got stuck with ear gauges that were mislabeled as a different size? Go tell your mom because Hot Topic doesn't care. Messages to their customer service department will go unanswered, while you continue to get bi-weekly emails about more crappy products they're trying to push. They don't care about losing customers because for every one they lose, a tween wannabe will start shopping there.

Gallery of Hot Pocket

Meet the "Nonconformists" About missing Pics

SPECIAL MENTION: Torrid

Torrid (a portmanteau of Terrible and Horrid) A.K.A Fat Hot Topic and Man the harpoons, was originally a break off of Hot Topic for the more plus size gothic market, and usually found in the mall, on the floor bellow Hot Topic, on the on the opposite side, the Torrid goth style quickly died when the owners realized no one would buy this shit.

When this happened, they quickly renovated their stores to appeal to a more Classy-black person-Baby Phat style and that kinda preppy-punky thing where a fat chick will wear jeans, a tank top, and have her knock-off Chanel purse but considers herself "alternative" because she has hair that is spiked in the back.

They do still, occasionally sell a watered-down pair of those TRIPP pants like at hot topic, that are flared at the bottom and are supposed to be pants, but are too short to reach a midget's ankles, let alone, a whale's. They also still sell that Hot Topic-style lingerie and fishnet stockings with puffy lace and bows at the top, that are supposed to make chicks look sexy, but carrying sexy lingerie in fat sizes kinda defeats the point, don't ya think?

See Also

External Links

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I WILL NOT KILL MY CLASSMATES...
Hot Topic is part of a series on
GOTH
I WILL NOT KILL MY CLASSMATES...


Hot Topic is part of a series on Cults
UFO Cults: ScientologyGalactic Federation of LightHeaven's GateRaelians
New-age Faggotry:

WiccaThe DolmenMooniesPaganismBlack AlchemyFagnosticismPrem RawatVoluntary Human Extinction MovementThothRon Paul

Raep cults: SatanismManson FamilyMasonsAl Qaeda
Jesus Cults: Ex-GayWestboro Baptist ChurchMormonismBranch DavidiansPeople's TempleChick Tracts
Wannabe Cults: SephyismSonic CulTVampiresGothsFurriesMulderiteWooksBroniesLibertarians
Stupid Cults: ScientologyBreatharianMichelle Belanger/House Kheperu
Troll Cults: AnonymousCult of the Dead CowRaptor JesusJohn SolomonChurch of the SubGenius
Web 2.0 Cults: Atheist Scum UnitedRational Response SquadWikipediaYoung Tubers United
Featured article December 18, 2005
Preceded by
Fifty Hitler Post
HotTopic Succeeded by
Irony
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