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Hipster

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"Do I have lighter? Nah, lighters are so played out; everyone has one. I carry a candle. It's original and more aesthetically pleasing. All natural too."
Hipster is SO future.
You aren't nearly cool enough to hang out with these counterculture geniuses.
Living became too mainstream.

"Hipsters", popularly known as trendy fuckers, are elusive creatures who will never admit to being hipster[1]. They can be found in great numbers, centralized in urbanized areas such as Williamsburg and the Lower East Side neighborhoods of Jew York City and parts of Toronto. There are several breeds of hipster including, but not limited to, the art-fag, indie-fag, and most obscure of all, the Avant-Garde fag. Hipsters rarely breed with those not in their subculture, leading to incestuous deformities including gaping holes in their ears and the inability to distinguish color.

Devoted to anything hip, hipsters are obsessed with art, fashion, music, Apple products, and indie flicks. Because hipness is inversely proportional to notoriety and popularity, the hipster's interests are fleeting and every six months a hipster will throw out all of its collections.

You will first notice the perfume of a hipster, a distinct and elusive scent of Parliament cigarettes and Palm Breeze, with a hint of Pabst Blue Ribbon. Alternatively, they may smell of Gauloise Blones cigarettes, Belmont Blues, Djarum Cloves, Camels, Lucky Strikes and, in vegan breeds, American Spirits. Mainstream cigarettes such as Marlboros and Newports are unpopular among this species due to their lack of marketing to children. (Ironic, considering Parliament cigarettes are produced and owned by Philip Morris, the same company who makes Marlboros, one of the most mainstream cigarettes ever). Hipsters also have been known to have major horseradish breath - a result of cocaine use. Seeing as all hipsters are financially destitute, one would wonder where their coke money comes from......

Hipsters are rarely aware of their condition and may shun others of their breed. "Look at all the dumb fuck hipsters in here" is a common mating call of the hipster dialect.

At bottom these subhuman creatures are just incredibly boring faggots, who are trying to pretend they're interesting; for proof, ask a hipster what any given piece of art they claim to "love" means, and you'll get a copy/paste response from a 1000-page textbook, and this only if you're lucky. The more likely scenario is they'll vomit out something completely retarded, causing you to wonder how thousands of years of evolution could have led to the human equivalent of this.

TL;DR--A hipster is someone who tries to be as different as possible from everyone as they can, in a constant fight to be "hip" and "edgy". Everybody who isn't a fucking retard knows what a hipster is and only morons use the word to describe people who aren't hipsters. In fact, it seems the only people not capable of understanding what a hipster is are other hipsters. At bottom these subhuman creatures are people who are trying to pretend they're interesting; for proof, ask a hipster what any given piece of art they claim to "love" means, and you'll get a copy/paste response from the a 100 level textbook, and this only if you're lucky. The more likely scenario is they'll vomit out something completely retarded, causing you to wonder how thousands of years of evolution could have led to this.

Contents

A Comprehensive List of Hipster Genus

Typical Hipster

e-hipster doing what it does best
  • The typical hipster is generally an unemployed, welfare-dependent, angry, self-loathing faggot in their late teens to early twenties. May openly claim to be trying to "discover his place in life."
  • Many will claim to have lots of enemies and no close friends due to being "misunderstood." Be warned, this is merely a ploy to gain sympathy. Those not familiar with the culture will come to discover very quickly that most don't particularly enjoy the company of your typical hipster because he is an angst-ridden, narcissistic douchebag who bitches and moans about as much as your 13-year old sister.
  • It will insist that you are a conformist for any variety of reasons. It will go as far to insinuate every living being on the planet is a conformist, the exception being himself.
  • It may openly claim to dislike the hippie culture. This is hilariously ironic, as hippies are incredibly dirty and your typical hipster dresses like a homeless person, frequently carries an STD and rarely showers.
  • It will have gone through several fads in high school before having settled on hipster. These may include, but are not limited to punk, scene, emo and goth.
  • It does not have a concentrated attention span, and its interests are evenly distributed in the avant-garde, hip art, music, fashion, etc.
  • It may carry an appreciation for European culture.
  • It holds an odd fascination for really bad, cult indie films. Tommy Wiseau's "The Room" is no exception, ever. Seriously, this movie is like the Napoleon Dynamite of the hipster culture. Every fucking hipster and their grandmother quotes this shit endlessly.
  • It may dress decadently, but not as overly indulgent and gay as the avant garde hipster.
  • It will only listen to bands you've never heard of. If non-hipsters ever adopt this music, they will quickly lose interest
  • It enjoys art and literature, but doesn't know fuck all about how to create either.
  • It may claim to be an anarchist, nihilist or existentialist, but knows little to fuck all regarding the ideals behind any of aforementioned movements.
  • Loafers are the designated footwear of hipster fashion. The loafers indicate that the hipster has successfully courted and stolen from an elderly man, retrieving their loafers as a prize.
  • It must use aviator or Ray Ban knockoffs and other massive glasses to block out the sun
  • It rides a "fixie" bike, i.e. a bike that can't coast and has no brakes, because conventional bikes and cars are too mainstream. May endlessly attempt to pound the notion into others that "he had a fixie before they were cool."
  • It may express a sense of "ironic" enjoyment for bad '80s bands and unfashionable clothing, but it secretly actually likes some of that shit.
  • If by some miracle it managed to get accepted into a university, it will most likely be found studying English, Philosophy, History, A Foreign Language, Graphic Design and various other concentrations in Art.
  • It will always own an iPhone and other various Apple products. In fact, the majority of people who work in Mac Stores or for Apple tech support are in fact, hipsters.
  • It is essentially a walking stereotype and due to this will carry with it no trace of a genuine personality or intellect outside of aforesaid traits.
  • As a new trend of 2011, Hipsters of all kind just have to have a sort of fascination with the Galaxy/Space. But sadly enough, Hipsters don't have enough knowledge on why they like it. They only do because they like for its pretty colors, its oh-so-originality, and to try to hide the fact that they are all the same damn stereo-type.
  • It always have to associate itself with its obsession with TRIANGLES. Probably from playing The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess way too often.
  • After smoking pot, hipsters beat up 70 year olds for their loafers.
▲ ▲ ▲ ▲ ▲ ▲ ▲ ▲ ▲ ▲ ▲ ▲ ▲ ▲ ▲ ▲ ▲ ▲ !!!!!!
  • Like every typical Hipster on either its Tumblr or Deviantart profile, most of its pictures always have to contain either traingles or space
  • Hipsters can't eat strawberry jam, because of THC (The Hipsters Curse).
  • The ones that actually eat upload tons of rainbow-hue edited photos of their food on Instagram.
  • Are either morbidly obese or extremely skinny.
  • Have an unhealthy obsession with Twin Peaks.

Indie Fag

  • Generally like any shitty band as long as they dress in the correct way. Pretend to have a deep understanding of music but generally are just talking out of their ass. Occasionally they actually like good bands and drive sane people away from those particular bands.
  • They are the most badly dressed of the bunch and can be easily identified. Both sexes have the tendency to wear button up shirts, straight legged pants, a hoodie, and some type of flat bottomed shoe. If born a girl, it may wear flats and a sweater. Sometimes it is difficult to tell indie boys and girls apart because they were born so much alike.
  • The Indie fag is just the remains of what hipsters used to look like. But despite their refusal to evolve they are still accepted as a part of the hipster community. They listen to all the coolest and most subversive music that you have never heard of. And if you have heard of them... well.. they heard them first.
  • Indie fags are the most likely to smoke pole at 13. They own records and more than a dozen Kurt Vonnegut novels. Any obscure old work of literature is bookmarked on wikipedia.
  • Indie fags of both sexes like to grow sideburns and beards.

Bands:

  • Neutral Milk Hotel
  • Broken Social Scene
  • Animal Collective
  • The Smiths
  • Morrissey
  • Husky

Avant-Garde

Avant-Garde hipsters specialize in fashion. They wear the most outrageous costumes but pretend that they did not spend 5 hours preparing their outfit the night before. Whatever is in, they wore it before it was.

They tend to be obsessed with finding the new. They remain elusive because their fashion changes every five seconds, but they are the person that looks the most ridiculous. And if THAT is ridiculous, you are just an unfashionable dolt. Their music taste is always current, hip, and leans towards the indie, electronic, new wave, and post-punk, or whatever noise their favourite DJ made when he passed out onto his keyboard.

A notable avant-garde hipster is It-Girl Cory Kennedy. The best place to keep track of hipster fashion is here.

Bands:

  • The Go! Team
  • These New Puritans
  • Sexy Sushi
  • Architecture in Helsinki
  • She Wants Revenge

Limey-Shoreditch Twat

Essential reading.

This is a specific genus of Chav hipster. Like American hipsters, the British hipster will own every single Apple product released (including the special edition Steve Jobs shaped buttplug), listen to only the most ironic/obscure fax machine samples for music and smoke only the coolest/obscure/ironic cigarettes known to man (subject to availability in U.K, these are Marlboro lights or Camels).

Typically new-media/digital/art graduates (funded by their parents for the most part), the Limey-Shoreditch Twat will use plenty of seemingly meaningful words (like "paradigm" or "dynamic"), however, upon closer scrutiny, these mumblings can be exposed to be as empty and as vacuous as the person uttering them.

What differs between the standard UK hipster and the Limey-Shoreditch Twat is generally considered to be the location of the hipster i.e the Limey-Shoreditch Twat works/lives in Limey-Shoreditch, London.

"The Limey-Shoreditch Twat" was initially a fanzine set up by a night club promoter (a Twat magazine for his Twatty clientelle-how ironic/awesome) but the concept was brought to the wider public attention by satirist Charlie Brooker in his spoof TVguide listing website TV Go Home, appearing as a "listing" simply titled "CUNT".

This fictional Tv listing was later made into the TV show "Nathan Barley" with the aid of legendary troll producer and writer Chris Morris.

Cultural Appropriation Hipster

These hipsters run around wearing shit like Indian warbonnets and Bohemian skirts. They can be found warbling about how much they love the free spirits of the people they heisted their look from, blissfully ignorant of the fact that said people are being treated like so much dung by pretty much everyone else and that being a Native American or Roma actually sucks. When confronted on their tasteless choice of wardrobe, they will make pathetic excuses about how their look is "just fashion" and that their opponent "really needs to lighten up." Naturally, they never appropriates anything that would be really lulzy, like a pope hat or Perez Hilton's face.

Bands:

  • Iron & Wine
  • Freelance Whales
  • Bon Iver
  • Fleet Foxes
  • The Tallest Man on Earth

Hip Wigger

For lack of a better term, these hipsters operate in a way thats similar to the above cultural appropriation hipster but end up somewhere between that and a wigger. These scumbags rarely venture beyond the shallow waters of mainstream counterculture and are easily spotted for being music oriented while knowing the least about it out of the entire hipster spectrum. They even have a tendency to use YOLO and swag in a serious way, and also want to be able to say nigga without getting gangraped by actual niggers.

Maybe post-wigger is a better description? You decide!

Sucks up to:

  • Odd Future
  • Madlib
  • Jay Dee/J Dilla
  • Anything used as a bumper on Adult Swim

Green/Hippie Hipster

These hipsters are all about shitting themselves with an overly pretentious, "I art holier than thou", faux ensemble of pseudo-intellectually driven environmentalism; often taken to ridiculous extremes in order to maximize their desperate need for unwarannted self-importance.

Defining Characteristics:

  • Vegan
  • Caring More About Animals Than People
  • Never Buying Anything Unless It's Labeled "Organic"
  • Tree Hugging
  • Belittling And Shaming Anyone With An Opposing Viewpoint

Debatable Teenage Hipster

The Debatable Teenager Hipster isn't a real hipster since technically hipsters don't exist until after high school (here they failed at being a pretty cool guy). Unless it's a 18 year old or 21 year old in high school from flunking those years from getting stoned and being the drunkard, they are usually living off parent's money. In fact, they are worse than Hipsters. They're wannabe-hipsters.

These wannabe-hipsters exist mostly in suburbs where they found out about hipsters on the internet and thought oh so cute. They usually have a Tumblr, where they post shitty pics and have other shitty wannabe friends with whom they engage in regular circle jerks. These faggots are also 'photographers', which means they made their parents buy them a $800 DSLR and took a photo of their street. All Wannabes will even admit to being hipster, proving that they are not hipsters, as real hipsters would never do that. Having Lady Gaga and Kesha as favorite artists while calling yourself a hipster somehow doesn't seem ironic to them. Should the following be said you know you have a faggot.

  • OMG! I'm such a hipster!!!
  • Look at MY hipster clothes!
  • I should've been born in the city. There's more intellectuals like me.

In fact, even mentioning the word hipster and claiming to be one makes you a wannabe.

Really dumb people and people with raging levels of not-with-it-ness will confuse the DTH/adult scenecore faggot with the hipster. This is false, and a great way to spot an avowed non-hipster. Did they just refer to the girl with the raccoon eyeshadow, pink hair, and platform fuck-me boots as a "hipster"? WEE-OOH, WEE-OHH: NORP identified.

Bands:

  • Any bands mentioned in the above hipster sections.

Metal Hipster

Often confused with scene kids and metal elitists. Probably one of the worst types of hipsters out there that's becoming widespread at the moment making the DTH tolerable in all aspects. Nobody in their right mind would allow themselves to mold themselves into a metalhead and hipster. While the majority of metalheads eat meat and wear the right size of their pants, hipsters tend to be vegan/vegetarian and wear tight jeans which does not compute at all whatsoever. Also criticizes bands like Lamb of God and Pantera for being generic mainstream garbage, but will also likely shit on classic metal or at least talk about how metal has "evolved". Actually, they like any metal band that has the labels "avant-garde", "post", and "progressive" into their sound while loathing bands mostly from major record labels such as Nuclear Blast and Roadrunner with Opeth as an exception. They don't get along with metal elitists too well as they are shunned upon hatred by them. Metal Hipsters are easy to identify by the following traits:
Typical Metal Hipsters
  • Horn rimmed glasses.
  • Shitty prison tattoos.
  • Neckbeard.
  • Ear gauges.
  • Brightly colored T-shirts or flannel shirts and skinny jeans.
  • Owns a blog that looks like the metal version of Pitchfork.
  • Will more likely than not deny being a metalhead and claim to be "open minded" in their music tastes, but will rarely listen to an album not praised by Pitchfork.
  • Will usually be found on sites like Last.fm and Rateyourmusic.com requesting recommendations for "intelligent metal" and circle jerking over the fact that they're above typical metalhead behaviors like headbanging and drinking lots of beer.

If you ever approach a metal hipster, it's best to avoid them like the plague.

Bands:

  • Agalloch
  • Altar of Plagues
  • Baroness
  • Boris
  • Ghost
  • Isis
  • Krallice
  • Kylesa
  • Ludicra
  • Mastodon
  • The Sword
  • Wolves in the Throne Room

Neo-Hipster

To add to the already huge list of categorizations of Hipster, the Neo-Hipster is probably the most common form of hipster emerging. They have come about due to the recent downfall of the chav in late 2000's, who have not only evolved (or de-evolved) into these shit form of Hipsters but also this group have taken in people from other groups, mainly from the punks, then the scenes and emos. Metalheads and goths are generally less effected due to their music tastes. These people are called neo-hipsters because in many ways they are hipster, however there have become so many hipsters that they have made being non-mainstream mainstream. This can be seen in the growing popularity of bands like Two Door Cinema Club and Bombay Bicycle Club. They are much like the indie fag except they dress differently and have a very limited selection of bands that they like, which must be accepted by there peers.

  • Deciding on the individual they may or may not claim to be hipster, some who claim they are hipster have no understanding of the word, and have shit for brains about what it means. If they claim not to be a hipster, or even a neo-hipster (if they understand the term - which is doubtful) they are usually bullshitting to them selfs as so many people are now days hipster its almost impossible not to be.
  • Usually wear chinos or buy clothes from places like TopShop, TopMan or Hollister, rarer is to wear vintage clothing as it is not normally available as they have no guts to go into a charity shop because it would "harm their image". However if it is easily available then they can go shopping to buy vintage. What they wear can sometimes make them stand out - this is done on purpose because most are attention seeking twats.
  • Among them hair cuts are very important status of being a neo-hipster.
  • Women - Long Matted hair, thin long hair, very short hair (like a mens cut). The Undercut is probably the most defining feature of a female neo-hipster.
  • Men - Undercuts again are a defining feature, however, as these are pussy hipsters they do not completely shave the sides, which will usually have some hair growth on the sides which puts them in between a standard and undercut, with this cut there is also normally a long fringe. All men will have short hair. Unlike normal hipsters again they will normally not grow facial hair in particular full beards or mustaches as this would be to non-mainstream for them.
  • Another sign is the spontaneous breaking out of people changing their appearance or musical taste. This is most common in the upper years of schools, in the UK this would be year 11, 12 and 13, in which people "go non-mainstream to become mainstream". An example would be a girl getting an undercut and then her getting copied by everyone in the year at that school because "its cool" to have one, completely forgetting the point of changing your hair in this way was to be unique - however the main girl to do this knew fully that what she was doing was mainstream as so many people have undercuts now days.
  • Neo-Hipsters are usually in there mid to late teens, in full time education. Large groups of neo-hipsters are found growing particularly in schools, it is unusual to find them in college as they would have too much fuck in their brains to be able to get into even the most simple of colleges. Colleges are now usually full of the remains of scene kids, emos and "kids who don't have much of a social life".
  • Some claim to have a profound knowledge of politics, and usually have a keen interest in, and support a political party. It is rare but some may have also read some political literature. Regardless of this they have no fucking idea about politics, and if you were to try and argue with them for a minute their brains would probably implode - particularly since they are the main group recruiting the brainless chavs.
  • Many mate with each other regularly, again this is an offshoot of the chav genes in the group. Their boyfriends and girlfriends are usually dependent on each other OR one has complete control of the other. They will text all day every day, and trying to have a conversation with them which isn't about their mate IS FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE.
  • Among them their interests/hobbies/traits are normally the same in the male and female sex.
  • Men - Football, rugby, seeing their female mate, possibly drinking, smoking, drugs, its rare for them to do anything academic, however not unheard of, being "male bitches" thinking they are above other people, and therefore thinking that they can "take the piss" out of other people even though we find their pathetic bitching amusing.
  • Women - ART - MY FUCKING GOD they all like art, in some way, they all want to grow up and be artists or some shit like this, and are so naive to the world that they will get no where and that no one gives a shit about art. They also like photography, and like the indie fag, have tumblr, which is full of random pictures that make no sense, or pictures of their male mates and themselfs (or just themselfs taking pictures of themselfs which are horrifically photoshopped, or wearing some stupid piece of clothing which they think makes them look sophisticated but really just makes them look like twats, normally do not do duckfaces), they are the only ones who look at their pages because everyone else couldn't give to shits about it. Many smoke/have smoked. Usually have their closed "groups" of neo-hipsters in which they bitch about everything and everyone.

Bands:

  • Two Door Cinema Club - defining band
  • Bombay Bicycle Club - defining band
  • Most modern indie/ alternative bands
  • Mainstream stuff like Lady Gaga or Jay-Z
  • Can also like punk, scene or emo music, depending on background





Simple Guide: Hipster Shore

Hipstershore.png

Behavioral Patterns of the Hipster Species

Suburban hipster (Note the iPhone and Guitar Hero controllers)
  1. The "Hip" which can be named is not the true "Hip". Many ascetic religions seek a life of simplicity. "Hipsters" seek a life of obscurity. The great vessel of their obscurity is the "hip".

    As they fall deeper and deeper into the "hip", they find themselves further away from the accursed "unhipness" of the mainstream. Once engulfed in the "hip," they begin to sink further away from the mainstream and still further away from the "hippest" in the scene. In this descent, the "hipster" may begin mumbling akin to the Pentecostal church's speaking in tongues.

    The mumbling is what happens in towards the final stages of the hipster baptism as they begin to discover bands so "hip" and obscure that they don't yet know if they are bands yet. There are no words in all but the most obscure dialects to describe music that imaginary bands make, so the hipster begins to mumble, or only pretend to speak.
  2. All personal labels are considered "unhip" and the great "hip" ones will not abide by any such labels.

    Hipsters, though they know full well that they are "hip", will never answer to "hipster" and will refuse the word "hip". They are known to speak in a "hip" pseudo-language combining actual words, cliche portmanteaus, and shit they just made up. The "Hipster Handbook", an expose on the "hipster" lifestyle says "What was once cool, now is deck". Deck means "cool" to other hipsters, as it is fin or "uncool" to say cool. These are now outdated, and to say such common hipster phrases is decidedly base.
  3. The "Hipster"'s lifestyle is shrouded in a mystical rhetorical substance known as "irony".

    It is said that hipness manifests in areas with the most irony. As a difficult concept to understand, perceiving irony requires hipness in itself. Irony can also be perceived and created out of the unhip. Whatever the irony, once perceived by the hipster it must be decoded for hidden messages and take the prophecies of the great hip to heart.

    If you see a "hipster" lethargic on the couch watching "Gillian's Island", this is what he is trying to do.
  4. Remember: "Bisexual" is the new "I'm so drunk!"

Hipster Lifestyle

How to kill a Hipster.

They show their devotion by listening to Guided by Voices for hours on end, and are harmless until engaged in a discussion on music. They can become violent once induced in a music trance, so be sure to satiate them by putting on a copy of Pavement's beloved album Slanted and Enchanted. Once they have calmed down, turn off the music and kick them out of your apartment as fast as you can.

Consult the Hipster Handbook There is nothing you can do to protect yourself when engaging hipsters in discussions, as they have perfect memory of your musical tastes. You will need to convince them that you were only being momentarily ironic in stating that "Linkin Park isn't too bad." "Hipsters" themselves claim this with American Idol performers.

To get hipster pussy or hipster cock, you must start an indie rock band, have access to at least a keybump of cocaine, and backstage passes to any Of Montreal, Fleet Foxes, or American Football Animal Collective concert. Hipsters devote their young adult lives to overcompensating for any social failures of their first eighteen years, and therefore find it nigh impossible to pass on any offer of sex.

Hipster chicks occasionally engage in grifting, which is a fancy way of saying that she just robbed you, bitch.

Hipster Relationships

It is a common understanding that hipster relationships do not last long as they have yet to discover love. Monogamy is a ludicrous and dreaded as unhip concept. The hipstyle, a term for the lifestyle of the hipster, is to date as many fellow hipsters as possible before thirty-five, upon which they simply disappear completely.

Hipster Irony

This woman actually enjoys Darkwing Duck, but pretends to be wearing this shirt "ironically".

The fourth definition of irony is perhaps the most complex, and is frequently used by emo kids, though often they are not aware of this fact. Hipster Irony, as it is called, determines irony as being a self-awareness of one's behavior, insofar as that behavior is incongruent with what is expected and what actually occurs. An example can be seen here. Irony is thus self-awareness of irony, under this definition. It is only thanks to this latter type of irony that the emo and hipster scenes are considered in any way cool (ironically enough, only by other emos, hipsters and Jew), and not just another branch of geekdom.

For example: a person who wears, say, a Legend of Zelda t-shirt, but who does it ironically in the hipster sense, is being self-aware of the irony of their situation — they are in essence saying "Man, isn't it so ironic that someone as cool as me would wear such a geeky shirt?" Thus it is that emo kids and hipsters get away with wearing and participating in a lot of what is otherwise considered "fringe" or uncool behavior.

The selection of the correct tee or fashion item with the highest level of irony is a complex process. Irony is a byproduct produced by careful aging of once-popular things, products, or ideas. Much as a can of grape drink, given time and yeast, will become a fine wine, a popular idea allowed to wallow into obscurity can become rich in ironic value. Much as a trained pig can find truffles, a hipster can smell irony in an old thing and make it cool. The irony-aging process can take months or years. For example Thundercats was popular in 1983, by 1988 was passé, and by 1994, virtually unknown. By 2004 they were obscure enough that wearing a Thundercats printed tee is ironic and hence "cool".

Anyone who participates in hipster irony is actually not cool at all. This means that they are actually the victims of traditional irony. Which is ironic.

Another example of Hipster-esque Irony are men's pink shirts. Hipsters believe that wearing a pink shirt expresses how comfortable they are with their sexuality, when in fact pink is a feminine color. So by expressing their sexual stability, they aim to insinuate manliness. It then becomes ironic that they are insinuating manliness through the color pink. But of course no manliness is expressed because all Hipsters are fags.


Crushing Sense of Inadequacy and Desperate Penis Envy

What makes a hipster mad? No, not a person actually enjoying a cultural artifact directly rather than just using it as a status symbol. That might make them mad, but what makes them REALLY mad? Well, the truth is that the pure rage that lies below the surface of the hipster's fag-chic, bubbling and boiling and scrambling their self-image is the fact that they were once bullied in school. Yes, in school your average hipster was most likely the smelly kid, the weird kid, the friendless kid or some combination of all of the above and because of this they were usually an easy target for jocks and other assorted "normals".

A hipster, like an elephant, never forgets. They are completely unable to purge their memory banks of having their head shoved down a toilet and so they carry their rage with them everywhere they go. All their faux superiority and their insistence on involving themselves with "insider" groups is really just overcompensation for the fact that they were made to feel like a little faggot worm with no friends in school. They loath the fact that the dude with the bigger dick got all the girls in school while all they had to look forward to was a long and involved cry-wank in the shower after a day of beatings and mockings.

Hipsters in the wild will rarely admit this. But from time to time we do get a glimpse into the damaged mind of the hipster and such insights can prove a particular useful point of reference for the troll engaged in baiting the hipster. Just try to bring up all those old memories and the hipsters will soon melt into a puddle of blubbering slime. Here is a perfect example of the inadequacy and penis envy that the hipster feels. It is written by hipsters for hipsters at the faghole Urban Dictionary [2]:

 
 
A conversation outside a hipster bar in downtown NYC:

Frat Boy #1: Dude, are you having any luck picking up chicks in there?

Frat Boy #2: Man...I haven't experienced anything like this before. These chicks are totally rejecting me and going for all these hipster guys in tight pants and shaggy hair instead.

Frat Boy #1: Maybe we should head back up to that bar in Murry Hill where you hooked up with that drunk b*tch from Alpha Sigma Phi last week?

Frat Boy #2: Yeah...I don't think we have what it takes to compete with these guys in here. These hipster chicks won't even give us the time of the day!
 


 

— Faggot hipster baaaaawing at UD

Perhaps the funniest thing though is that the person currently reading this is probably a hipster fag who is now beginning to experience the onset of emotional collapse. Lulz!


Areas of infestation

Vice Magazine

If you want to be a hipster, here's the how-to guidebook. Since they get all of their information off of Google, there's nothing in there that you didn't already know, but it'll give you the lowdown on how to be a hipster. Since nobody told them that nobody reads Tl;dr, their articles are always tl;dr. Don't even bother trying to read one. Instead, go right to the Do's and Don'ts' page and click every single picture until you find something funny.

American Apparel

Hipsters are stealing nerd culture and making it "ironic".

The temple of hipster, specializing in plain clothing, in every color under the sun because it is the pinnacle of hipness to own a t-shirt in fifty different colors.

Their side-operation is hiring ugly girls for Dov Charney to fuck. The models in their advertisements are all IRL salespersons. You can be sure of that, because professional models are never that buttfuck ugly. This is just fine for Dov Charney, because fucking girls uglier than him hardens his dick.

When searching Dov Charney you will find article upon article laving his butthole by talking about how sexually charged his ad campaign and general store layout is. You will also find articles about how he is now going broke. If ugly chicks in a minamalist-furnished storefront is sexy, a sex therapist may be called for, instead of another bottle of viagra.

Not surprisingly, shirts sold from the former ED T-Shirt Shop use American Apparel.

Hipster Bars

Hipsters love to cram themselves into downtown bars that sell Pabst or Miller High Life for double what it costs at the corner store. They can be seen holding their piss beer by their chests while awkwardly interacting with each other. Human interaction is nearly impossible in a hipster bar because the required loudness of the music is 194db. Hipsters actually like this because they have nothing to say anyway. The music is either obscure indie faggotry or a "mashup" that may contain elements of songs you like, but will be layered over four songs you hate. Severe ADHD is required to properly enjoy a mashup.

The Cure

If you or anyone you know are mutating in to the hipster, the first course of action is accepting what you or they have become. The second is to kill yourself and all of your new friends. This will assist the rest of society in engaging the species when their ironic methods become a threat to us all.

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Russian hipster fight

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