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Final Fantasy VIII

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Final Fantasy VIII is regarded by many hardcore Final Fantasy geeks to be teh worst one EVAR. This is mostly due to the fact that all Final Fantasy games are the exact same shit but with different character names, so that people who play them aren't used to having anything different. Final Fantasy 8 has a just as shitty magic system as other Final Fantasy games. This leads stupid players who don't know what the fuck is going on to get stuck on disk 1. This game also features many love themes, which makes the virginal players jealous. This leads to many players never playing the game again, deleting their save games and cutting themselves.

Contents

Plot Summary

Cloud Squall joins Avalanche Garden in order to go on a mission to stop Shinra The Government. Later, he becomes a body guard of Aeris Rinoa who falls in love with him. Soon, they discover a force much eviler than Shinra The Government, Sephiroth Edea! Sephiroth kills Aeris Ultimecia possesses Rinoa, so Cloud Squall goes after him her, he goes around the world trying to stop him her from bringing the Meteor time kompression. Then he finds the airship Highwind Ragnarok and goes to the center of the world the end of time for the final battle. Afterward, he mourns Aeris saves Rinoa and everything is A-ok.

As you can see, Square always makes original plots and does something new every game they make! They totally didn't rewrite Final Fantasy VII! Nope, no sir, they didn't.

Characters

Squall

Squall is one of the shittiest main characters to exist, evar. His last name is Leonhart, meaning "Lion Heart," meaning "fucking furfag." The player is supposed to think he's an cool, enigmatic hero, but he just comes off as a whiny bitch. At least 100 lines of his dialogue consists of an ellipsis; Sometimes two if he's feeling especially Jewish. Squall is basically Cloud from Final Fantasy 9000 (in which Aeris dies), but with brown hair and a scar on his face from being a total pussy. The reason he has this is because he sucks with his "gunblade" in one of the intro FMV's and gets cut in the face by a baby-eating superhero named Seifer. Of course, every woman loves a guy who loses a fight so this azn whore named Rinoa gets fucking wet every time she's around Squall, making the 13-year-old player masturbate every time she makes the slightest pass at him.

Seifer

A blonde German guy who considers Squall his best butt-buddy. They both have gunblades, and they both have scars. Yaoi slashfic ensues.

Quistis

The sexy, sexy, sexy hermaphrodite teacher who has the hots for her students, like Squall, throughout the game. She constantly tries opening her legs to Squall, but Squally dumps her for a dumber bitch. Using a whip Quistis teaches many students about the finer arts of being mercenaries. Her multitasking abilities are only hampered by the total amount of clothing she is currently wearing.

Have questions about the junction system? Quistis will walk you through it! Just don't press Triangle!

Rinoa

Squall ditches his hot-piece-of-ass teacher for this ditzy bitch. Rinoa is the "Damsel in Distress" slut in the game, and most likely is supposed to be the main character's assigned butt-bitch like every other Final Fantasy has in its storyline when it comes to romance. Unluckily for Squall, since he didn't decide to pick his sexy teacher that's only a year older than him, Rinoa starts a lot of shit with monsters and shemale demons which will involve Squall and the gang to a series of life-threatening missions which will happen throughout the whole game. Also, she used to date Seifer, so Squall is picking up his sloppy seconds. She shoots some kind of boomerang-anus-disk that is attached to a wristband on her arm.

Selphie

A dumb whore who wears a tight spandex skirt/shirt-thing found in a trunk of a strip club. Only technique in battle is swinging her double-chained-dildos at unsuspecting construction workers. She loves trains. One of her character defining moments is when she redirects nuclear missiles from striking the fortified military base she calls home to explode harmlessly in a heavily populated city. Some fanfiction deals with her potential relation to Kefka. Also a total lesbian. she has no tits and sports an ugly 70's hair style

Zell

A martial-arts fag who is obsessed with a craving of getting some hot dogs in the school. Sports an ugly tattoo on his face and yellow teeth.

Also the most broken character in the game.

Irvine

The womanizing/maninizing drunken cowboy who serves absolutely no part in the storyline, other than to act mildly insulted for about half a second upon realizing that all of the other characters are too completely fucking retarded to remember growing up with him. Beyond that, just a token character with a gun. A shame he wasn't black.

Zell, everyone's reason for playing this game Zell and the Gay Cowboy getting it on! ^_^

Doctor Kadowaki

The fat doctor that you see at the beginning of the game. She is incredibly horny and continually rapes the students.

The GFs

During the game you gain magical super pals. But you'll never use them due to the fact that they take years to summon once. Most of the time you'll be using them to junction stats so you suck a little bit less. All the GF's do shit-damage to the monsters, but some players use GF's as the only attack for EVERY battle in the game.

Quetzalcock

Ramuh's stunt double as well as sex partner. But there are rumors that he is having an affair with Squall.

This scared all teh Mexicans, as they thought it was Hernan Cortez, coming to pwn their asses once again

Shiva

Finally, a summonable hoe!

Scared Hindus that didn't want to see their crappy God naked.

UPDATE: This and every other Shiva in teh Eff-Effz is from Celtic creation myths (so, no, no God-cock).

Ifrit

You meet him in the fire caves or something. He's a pansy so only use him to junction strength.

Furries summoned this naked, ginger beast the most, purely to masturbate to.

Siren

A mermaid that plays a harp, silencing your enemies or some retarded shit. It is a confirmed fact that Siren has a sizable penis and is fisted in the pooper deeply by Shiva - talking elbow-deep, here. Attacks by releasing urine from her three urethras when summoned.

Caused ships to crash IRL
This is where baby Pokemon come from.

Brothers

Summon them to do a whoopin' 1 damage!

They call each other brother, but this is just 'cause they are niggers.

David Bowie did a song about them.... Possibly

Diablos

He's in a lamp that Cid gives you. Now why would Cid give you a devil in a lamp? He's into some weird shit.

Scared Christians, as they assumed that the Devil could now forge anti matter.

Square Enix now calls it "Diabolos", which is some kind of gay asian kids' toy.

Carfuckle

Causes your characters to become more emo than usual.

Players could relate to this character, as it had giant acne

Leviathan and Pandamonium

Water cock and some weird cancerous growth. Not much to say about these guys.

More Furfag fantasies

Cerberus

A three headed dog from Harry Potter. He lets your characters wank three times in a row.

Scared Greeks, somehow.

Alexandar the Great

Takes back the throne when summoned.

This giant castle is actually controlled by Hitler

Doomtrain!

The only manly character in the game. When summoned he kills all your emo characters and you play a new game called "Doomtrain!: Quest for Lulz!"
Screenshot of Doomtrain being angry.

Is also the crappiest GF evar, since there was no plagiarisms used in the creation process

Bahamut

Awesome, sexy dragon, who I want to live with! OMG BAHAMUT IS AWESOME!11!

Scared the three Arabs who remembered what the fuck Bahamut is.

Eden

Plays the Lord of the Rings trilogy 30 times then you must wait until the year 6420 to see the damage.

Fundamentalist Christians are scared of this, as it shows a dinosaur carrying the Garden of Eden. Oh Noes. Lol

Tonberry King

A pain the ass to get. He does shit for damage. Summon it on Ultimecia when she still looks fuckable for teh lulz?

Niggars are scared of this, as they often mistake it for a wartey melon and get stabbed when they try to eat it.

Odin

The only meaningful GF in the game. He'll only come whenever the fuck he feels like it when you enter a battle, but he'll cut enemies in fucking half which I believe is badass and eliminates half of those stupid random encounters if Odin decides to. Being named after a mythological Norse God, Square decides to make him a Japanese Samurai riding a goat instead.

Gets pwn3d by Seifer, comes back as GIRUGAMESH, a shitty version of Odin as there is less chance of total annihilation!!!!

The Junction System

When you equip a GF, you sometimes gain new orifices in your stats which allows them to be upgraded. Hoping to use magic spells in the game? We'll you're shit out of luck, because all the magic is useless and is only used as steroids to increase the size of your penis or something like that.

Like every Final Fantasy game, Square won't stick with a stat-boosting idea for more than one game and decide to invent a new one which will be useless even moar.

There are only three ways to gain magic in this game:

1. Drawing magic from monsters. However it takes hours just to get 100 of one spell, and sometimes the game screws you over and only gives you one lousy spell from your draw. Most of the time the monsters will kill you while you draw from them.

2. Playing the card game and refining the shitty cards. Every asshole in this game has a deck of cards, meaning that every npc in this game is retarded and possibly otherkin. The card game itself blows.

3. Flying to either the Isle of Heaven/Hell and drawing the shit of that place much like how the USA draws oil from Iraq.

Difficulty? What difficulty?

In Final Fantasy VIII, enemy levels are determined by your party's average level. It doesn't take a degree in rocket science to figure out that if you run from every battle and never level up, then the enemies are ridiculously easy throughout all four discs. Oh, and if you kill everyone in your party except for Squall, then those dead party members remain at Level 1 and automatically keep your average level down, so as Squall levels up the monsters' levels are anchored down by your dead party members, basically allowing Squall to become obscenely powerful in comparison to them. And if that doesn't make the game easy enough for you, then how about this: although one normally needs to be at low health in order to access this total game-breaker of an attack called a Limit Break (which allow a character to do over 9,000 damage over 9,000 times within a single turn at no cost to anything in your inventory except for Irvine's ammo), when only one party member is alive the game will let you perform Limit Breaks even at full health -- the same effect as one of the game's most useful spells (Aura) without actually casting it. So you are basically battling monsters that are one-third your level while using the most powerful attacks in the game that were originally intended as a crutch for RPG-n00bs who can't win boss fights without them because they are too stupid to make effective use of the Junction System. Oh, and if you sit down and do nothing but play cards for the first 25 hours of the game, all the while reset-spamming your PlayStation to prevent any and all card losses from every occurring, then you can obtain the endgame weapon on Disc 1, which opens up the most powerful Limit Break in the game, rendering the whole experience of playing Final Fantasy VIII essentially one of walking the globe in total God-mode, taking out low-level forest creatures with the Death Star.

tl;dr - The game punishes trying and rewards laziness.

Gallery of Lulz

See also

External links

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Final Fantasy VIII is part of a series on

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