From Encyclopedia Dramatica
eBay — more commonly known as eGay or Jeway — is a browser based MMORPG where illiterate people try to find bargains but end up buying strange and ridiculous crap such as the Virgin Mary Grilled Cheese and everyone's favorite, mystery boxes! Grotesque, questionable, and downright shittacular auctions such as these are cataloged by The LiveJournal community and sellers read it like The Wall Street Journal looking for the latest trends. Idiots.
eBay's feedback system is completely fake. All good feedback is from people who won't complain because they'll get blocked from buying from the seller and thus unable to buy any more super-cheap Chinese knockoffs from them. All bad feedback is from people who bid for the lulz just to leave bad feedback without paying. This sickens eBay's noobass founder whose since been trying to close the site down, but failing miserably. He's raised the fees through the roof, suspended people for nothing, forced everyone to use their terrorist funding payment system, paypal run by the infamous YouTube Street Team, and replaced all their email answering staff with Mudkips, yet still no one will shop anywhere else.
If you buy something on eBay, you didn't really buy it therefore you don't really have to pay. If you get suspended for nonpayment, just make a new account, eBay won't check if you've been suspended before until you try to sell something.
All bidders belong to one of two groups: idiots who bid days before the auction ends and only succeed in driving the price up, and cheapskate assholes who snipe the auction in the last few seconds. Both groups are constantly pissing each other off.
Why you should sell on eBay
Most people are saying to quit eBay and that it's a horrible experience selling, but everyone should. It is educational! You never see the worst of humanity until you sell to them on eBay and then you see so much...
Hey guys, in the end, Ebay is an American company so they pay their taxes and keep their profits in the States. So stop ripping on them so much. Your just making it easier for some bitch in another contry to keep more of his money, with the info here.
eBay bugs that kill sellers that are never fixed
Here are bugs that can easily be exploited:
- eBay has a system where the percentage of 1 and 2 ratings in feedback will kill a seller (hide their listings, get the seller suspended) if they have too many. The bug is that multiple low ratings from one single buyer count multiple times. So one single buyer can buy tons of items from one seller, give them all 1 ratings, and the buyer can get the seller suspended all by themselves that way. This bug has existed ever since eBay started this system.
- Since mid September 2009 when they changed their dispute system to the new version: Items eligible for the relist credit based on a non pay bidder the first time, have stopped automatically giving you credits for this. You will have to manually ask eBay for credits of every one now.
An example of why people hate eBay
- Log into your eBay account
- Click on your own feedback profile
- Click to contact the member. YES THIS MEANS SENDING AN EBAY MESSAGE TO YOURSELF
- See that you must get past a sadistic CAPTCHA before sending an eBay message to your own self!
eBay only goes downhill from there...
How eBay promotes scams
Around the time paypal became popular on eBay, they purchased Billpoint and made it their official payment system, dubbing it "eBay Payments." eBay refused to accept payments of seller fees to it's own accounts from PayPal (whilst they had to pay the transaction charges) and then tried to force all other payment methods off its site, particularly PayPal. When they failed, they purchased PayPal and made it into the scam site it is today. So, as the truth about PayPal got out (which any idiot can find by googling PayPal), everyone stopped using PayPal in droves.
FACT: No seller uses PayPal by choice. Every single one that says "PayPal preferred" is forced to accept PayPal on eBay and everyone who accepts PayPal is forced by PayPal's TOS to say they prefer PayPal and if you forget to say that, PayPal freezes your account and takes all your money and then reaches in and empties your bank accounts, too.
After seeing the Australian News report (Story Here) proving just how unsafe paypal was for both buyers and sellers, eBay thought it would be a great idea force all Australians so they can't use anything at all ever except paypal which sucks now that everyone knows it's unsafe.
Purseblog, a forum for people who like to buy and sell fake purses, have all their posts summing up eBay with these conclusions:
- Most sellers are rude and sell fake items.
- Most buyers are scammers who commit chargeback fraud and paypal dispute fraud.
- PayPal is the biggest scam of all.
PayPal and the law
eBay's method of forcing payment via only one system, which they both own and profit from, skirts the monopoly laws and those regarding payment of debt with legal tender. They have essentially created 'eBay world' and their own money, and you have to buy it at a rate that'd make a big city banker grin with the pwnage.
This is a process by which the seller artificially increases the end price of their auction by bidding on their own item. At last check, this was actually allowed under eBay rules provided someone had made you that offer IRL and you were super, super, serious!
Sellers would often set up second accounts to then bid on their own items, sometimes using the shill bidding account for genuine purchases as cover.
Buyers can detect this by anomalies in the bidding. A key sign is that the auction ends at the smallest possible bid increment below your maximum bid. Examining the bid history, it was often possible to follow bidders and see that they had made a large bid to outbid you. Of coarse, this displays your own highest bid to the seller. You would then see this bid be retracted and another appear just below your own. It would often occur within a minute or two. There is absolutely no way a normal bidder would do this, as they have effectively entered a bid they know will not win. It was also possible to detect shill bidders by following odd bidders within the history and discovering they had been bidding on numerous, entirely unrelated items from the same person and not won a single auction; often combined with lots of outbids, bid retractions and subsequent 'just below the maximum' bids. Another sign of shill bidding is that the seller demands payment immediately.
eBay loves the butthurt this produces, as it drives up the end price of the auctions to their maximum and they take a cut of that final value; so they earn more by allowing shill bidding. eBay require mountains of evidence before they'll consider telling a seller off, such as emails from the seller admitting they've been shill bidding.
eBay have since hidden the usernames in the bid history from the buyers during the auction under the guise of protecting their customers from fraudulent emails, making it next to impossible to detect shill bidding. Instead, they promise you they'll super, super seriously look out for you and definitely not let you get reaped. But most eBayers are assberger simpletons who think they're savvy buyers, and they won't see shill bidding when it's right in front of their face; or admit to it when they're told they've been raeped.
Shillzor bids are nor-tehy ya know?
It's often funny to confront an eager to collect shill bidder after they send you an invoice demanding immediate payment (five seconds after it closes) with the statement "I know what you're doing...". Hopefully, they'll reply admitting to it in, which is your ticket to getting their account shutdown for divine retribution. To make sure there's a good chance of you being able to abuse their error, include the following in your first message and before they have a chance to reply.
"Shill bidding is an international criminal offense, it's fraud", ya rly. "If you'd just admit to it, I'd understand. I'm sure we can reach some kind of arrangement, I'd rather not have to go to court"
- I forget to set the reserve, Mr!
- Sir, I do not wish to be paying the fees <---- Fair enough, but raeping my bid to the max isn't
Excuses that are be working;
How to piss all over eBays fire & level up your profit
|Did You Know: a former CEO of eBay ran for governor of California in a bid to sell the state to the highest bidder in accordance with Randroid Tea Party capitalist ideals?|
eBay hoard £££ harder than a gold digging Jew cock guzzler. They have specific rules banning you from discussing end it now's outside eBay in your description. If you do, they'll shut your account down until you complete their online 're-education' course.
Use the following leet haxorlation skillz to effectively steal back profits from eBay. On expensive items, this can mean hundreds of £'s go missing.
- State very clearly at the start of the auction that you would prefer some other means of payment. E.g. an online bank transfer is free, secure and easy. As is paying directly into someone's bank account IRL (for which the cashier will give you a receipt from the bank). Most people will still noob out and PayPal it, but some don't, earning you extra % back.
- If you have multiple items to sell and are auctioning them, don't list them all. List one, let the auction finish, then contact the next highest bidder and offer it to them off eBay. This works particularly well for very expensive items, which eBay + PayPal would usually raep you for.
- Try using other peoples' auctions to sell your own item. If you can view the bid history, do the above trick by contacting a member saying "Hey, I've got exactly the same thing, in the same condition, here's some photos and you can have it for your bid on this item or a bit less". This can save you serious £ in listing and transaction fees.
- Contact a seller and ask them if they'd be willing to sell the item off eBay, saying "this way you'll save on the end and transaction fees".
- Advertise multiple items within the same auction. E.g. "I've got this cool drill for sale, and I've also got a load of accessories (contact me if interested)".
- If someone has attempted to shill bid against you or in any other way severely fuck you, email the electronicGays customer services and hint at the stuff about bid histories and odd policies and about writing an article for a newspaper. You may find your next auction is strangely profitable. Epic win!
eGay are watching you
eGay are now able to pull down auctions that breach their rules remarkably soon after they are made live. There is almost certainly not a human checking each description, but a piece of software searching for key words in the descriptions, which then tags specific auctions for a human to look over.
E.g. using the word 'cash' in your description, in the sense "I'll take cash", seems to attract attention, as you'll likely have the auction pulled and be told to say "cash on collection".
Similarly, they are likely checking descriptions with the phrases "outside eBay", "off eBay", "close the auction" and so on. It's possible one of the gayers has read this and adapted their money trawler to kill more dolphins (eGay code for you). Get creative with your wording and scheming.
Do not pay for legal advice. Despite what every stoner wishes to believe, pretty much the entire legal profession can be broken down to common sense and being fair. If something feels unfair, it's probably illegal.
It pays, BIG TIME, to know a little about the law when shopping online. In the UK, for example, the Distance Selling Act gives you 14 days to examine a product, decide if you want it and then decline it; because you can't actually see it in person over the intertitz. The seller MUST then refund you if you don't want it anymore and THEY have to pay for recovery of the item.
Note that the 14 day rule only applies IF the seller directly states that you have 14 days to return an item. If not, it's extended to something like 6 weeks, as an incentive from the courts for sellers to play fair. Every big retailer knows this, so they always state it clearly and make out that 'two weeks to test it and free returns' is something special, when it's a requirement of the law.
You are also covered under the Trade Descriptions Act for numerous returns. Sellers will say things like "No returns!". This is bullshit, because the law says so. Unless an item is sold as "Untested" or "Spares", if an item is advertized as being something, or being capable of doing something, it must be so on arrival. If not, you get your money back. E.g. "This is a shit hot bike" + on arrival, "No it isn't" = Refund.
Along the same theme, an item has to last for a decent period of time. E.g. you buy something that would normally last years and it breaks in months = refund, regardless of any warranty or guarantee you have or haven't been given; these are additional to the law, they can't alter it.
When complaining, use these specific phrases, "I don't believe the item is fit for purpose because... [insert evidences here]" and "I don't feel the item has given a reasonable service life because... [insert moar evidences here]"; it's everyday legal terminology.
True cunts may stop replying to you or argue with you. Do not engage in arguing back or waste time, you must act quickly FOR GREAT JUSTICE!!! State clearly that you want a refund and why you're owed it. Mention the specific acts that say you're owed a refund and can claim it. When they argue, tell them you're going to have file a claim in the small claims court, that this is expensive and that, if they loose, they'll have to pay the fees. Be very careful with your wording here, do not threaten them, state it as a reasonable progression under the law.
If they don't reply real soon, don't fucktard around yourself, file the claim. It will cost you money to start with, but you should be confident by now that you're going to win and have the jizz inducing pleasure of knowing the seller will end up paying the fees for you, as well as giving you a refund. PROTIP: For the high score lolz, if you're actually going to the small claims court (which is just a meeting room with a judge who wants to go for his dinner in it), try asking the judge in your claim for money from the seller for wasting your time, "I should have been out doing this... but had to pay to do this whilst waiting for / dealing with a fucktard". You can include literally anything, e.g. postage, bus tickets getting to court, the cost of the pencil you had to buy to fill out the form, wages you've lost, stress. Just start writing EVERYTHING down with a date as soon as the seller acts up. The judge is often pissed off to be dealing with small claims and wants them dusted as fast as possible, so he'll stamp a lot for the lolz if he thinks you're right. Judges are also usually biased in favor of the buyer, as they know they're routinely ripped off and are impressed if you've bothered filing a claim to start with. Especially if you wear a clean shirt and be polite on court day.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>THE OFFICIAL UK ONLINE SMALL CLAIMS COURT<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
- Do not threaten or blackmail people. It's illegal and will ban your attempts every time. Choose words CAREFULLY. E.g. "I don't want to go to court but it's the only option left" and "I'm sure you can think of a fair way to settle this, how about... (basically moar but in a select, subtle suggestions)". NOT "GIVE ME MY FUCKING £££ AND MOAR, OR ELSE!" or "DO THIS OR I'M TELLING THE POLICE!"
- Keep EVERYTHING related to what's going on, every single email, message, receipt (including the ones for accepting delivery or sending out)... EVERYTHING
- Don't just email, they'll claim they forgot to check them. Send the same email as a letter, and try calling them (they probably won't answer). Note this all down (even the times you called them) and keep photocopies of letters (with the dates and your signature on them).
- Be careful when the seller has you post back a receipt as proof of purchase. Photocopy it first, as they may be attempting to recover evidence of ownership and your history of filing a request for a refund within the allotted time period.
- It's usually the sellers responsibility to claim a refund from the courier if the item is damaged.
- If you wish to return an item because it's not up to your standards, not because it's entirely fucked, gather evidence for 'expert witnesses', e.g. go on a forum about that item and say "should one of these costing this much be like this?", "no, it's shit" ---straight to---> Refund. Your mates don't count as references.
- You have to give people reasonable time to respond, but DO NOT allow the time periods for returns to lapse. Give them a few days, then take off every zig!
- If they're a genuine store, report them to Trading Standards for breach of the Distance Selling and Trade Descriptions Acts. Be aware that Trading Standards can generally do fuck all but harass them and tut. The judge is the main pimp to speak to.
Avoiding 'the gimp' as a seller
Some buyers will claim items are fake or stolen when they want to return them months later. A trick they use for this is scratching the serial codes and other registry information off an item. Companies themselves will delete these codes depending on how items are being exported and imported; e.g. we don't offer support in that region or through those distributors, so remove the codes. Make sure you take photos of the codes before hand and store them away next to your best pron so they won't get deleted. Photos of the item and receipts for postage, including some form of time reference (like a letter from the gas, electric, water board, NHS, your employer, bank, a newspaper), are t3h useful when it goes off next thursday.
Buyers are easily impressed. Sticky tape a free Chupa Chub lollipop to the item and you're already on good terms should they not like the item when it arrives. Or if the courier has driven a forklift over it for the lolz; like this. Arguably slimy, often effective, factually tasty.
Typical buying experience on eBay
If you're not sure about a buy it now and it's gone mid-day, don't click the button, buy it later that night after some more comparing or the next morning. Even if you buy it now, in the afternoon, they probably won't put it in the post until the next day anyway. So it's better to think more about whether or not it's a good deal rather than rush and get a possible shit deal in the same time frame.
When they have a 'best offer' option, give your shitiest offer first. eGay runs software such that the seller enters the minimum 'best offer' price and eGay compares it to your best offer. E.g. Buy it now = £35, best offer = £20 minimum. You enter £30, they're still up £10 on the minimum they'd have accepted. Enter something stupidly low, e.g. £10, it'll probably fail. Then bump it up as the refusals come back.
Scan eGay for things you're interested in and watch auctions. Often, shops will relist items for months and the item isn't selling. Send them an email saying "I know this has been listed for three months and not sold, how about..."
- Make account with real info, eBay demands credit card verification before one can finish registering.
- Then try to bid or buy and eBay won't let it without phone # verification and their phone system won't leave a pin, but just says "If you're expecting this call, press [then gives random number to press]" which it then ignores no matter how much you press it. So you have to manually call eBay and have a person manually call you back and you have to take time off work because they only call 9am-5pm.
- Then when you buy something, you try to pay with paypal and it won't take any of your credit cards. You then have to beg the seller to let you take some other form, which of course eBay banned all forms of payments other than PayPal.
- Make an account with fake info, and shill bid. eBay lets it bid/buy all it wants and never asks for verification.
- Make an account with fake info to leave negs, disrupt sellers, and not pay. eBay lets it bid/buy all it wants and never asks for verification. And no matter how many times the seller gets your negative removed, eBay will restore it right back again by you simply making the request, even years later.
- Sign up eBay and then for PayPal with a prepaid credit card instead of a real credit card. Get a bunch of adult items delivered to an enemy to make their parents freak. PayPal is happy and lets it work without trouble. And eBay/PayPal never ask for verification.
- Sign up with eBay with your address as a UPS mailbox. Buy with stolen credit card and scam sellers. eBay and PayPal let you bid and buy all you want. And eBay/PayPal never ask for verification, they also no longer ban you for credit card fraud.
eBay has created something called eBay Garage here. This is a website that embeds an application on everyone's PC that does a deep scan on it. It will then tell the person if they have malware.
Great offer, right? Let eBay scan your computer. Keep in mind though that 99% of its userbase has snuck back on after either an ebay or paypal ban. In fact, you can't sell brand name items on eBay without multiple accounts and getting banned several times weekly. Apparently, cookies, web beacons, flash objects, mandatory paypal, and requiring people's social security numbers just weren't enough.
Coming soon, this will be mandatory like PayPal.
How to Troll on eBay
Fake reports of harassment through The eBay messaging system
Now eBay won't act on harassment through email, but for things sent through their messaging system (those messages you have to send to buyers an sellers inside eBay because the other person never checks their real email), it's a different story. Because of their privacy statement, eBay then by law cannot read anything sent through the eBay messaging system so eBay cannot ever know what people send. The only thing they can know is whether a member has or has not sent a message and when.
Now a common thing for sellers to do is to send a baiting message to a buyer to get them to answer. The seller can have CRUISE CONTROL FOR COOL on and ASCII goatse or whatever, they just got to get the buyer to send them an eBay message back. Buyers don't know about this technique so they don't know how to report the seller first. Once that happens, the seller notes the time and date and makes up some completely fake message the buyer supposedly said and then sends it to eBay. After that, eBay then puts a violation on the buyer's account for abusing the eBay forwarding system. eBay will of course not tell who complained, what it was about, when anything supposedly took place, or what it contained. Typically the buyer then contacts anyone they talked to several times trying to figure out what happened. So the seller then file more fake report for each new message the buyer sends. Before the buyer can figure out what went on, they're suspended. Even if the buyer does figure out what is going on and reports the seller, eBay will ignore the buyer because they complained second.
And who says eBay is totally anti-seller now?
By the way, you can win any item just to leave negative feedback and eBay will only remove it if the person is a big powerseller with a lot of clout. eBay requires that both the phone number and the email must not work and even if the person's phone number is fake so calling it gets a Motel 6 and someone fills up the buyer's email address with a large mailbomb so all mail bounces and you give eBay an email with headers with them admitting they bid just to leave negative feedback then eBay will just say that's not good enough or more likely not answer at all.
eBay won't remove feedback because they send people to Squaretrade who will remove it if you pay them $30.
VERO is something called "Verified Rights Ownership". VERO is based on DMCA with additional stuff like trademark and rights of publicity and patents that aren't even part of DMCA. The difference between VERO and DMCA is that in DMCA once a counter-notice is filed, the entity making the allegations of infringement then has to take the accused to court. With VERO, eBay will then let the entity simply resend the same allegation for the exact same thing over and over again.
Since maybe 2002, sellers have registered on VERO and then used it to fraudulently report all their competitors' listings. Then, *poof* their competitors' listings are gone and eBay sends nasty emails to all the people who bid on the listing saying that the seller is a scammer. If a seller gets more than a few VERO complaints, their account is suspended for good. Well, since eBay says sellers have to resolve it with the person/organization that sent the VERO, if it's someone giving fraudulent VERO complaints, there is nothing you can do. The only success people have had is doing a class action lawsuit against companies sending fake notices of claimed infringement.
It's easy to register for VERO. Just fax in a form to eBay with fake info and link it to a free email address. The above is all seriously how eBay's VERO works and something competitors have done for years. If the GNAA ever finds this out, they just need to register for VERO, then run a huge bot to report every single eBay listing for VERO and every single eBay auction would be gone. We can but wait for that epic day.
VERO isn't entirely fake organizations sending the VERO complaints. Every single company that exists sends bogus VEROs for every seller that sells their products legitimately on eBay from Microsoft to Scientology to try to inflate the street price of their products. For example, Scientology doesn't want people buying their e-meters cheaper than they charge. If you're wondering, yes, all the VERO stuff is illegal.
You will need an alt account for doing this (or your real one if you are Hardcore), wait until a free listing day and go to town advertising popular items which will attract punters like playgrounds attract pedofiles.
1) copypasta someone else's listing for the item you are "selling"
2) Find offensive/computer crashing sites to link them to and edit them into your listing (lemonparty and nimp are always good)
3) Disguise fake hyperlinks with a tinyurl
4) Wait for hatemail
5) Lulz ensured.
Get someone suspended in 24 hours
You've probably heard how sellers say "always hide your email address when responding to a question from a bidder." Here's why...
- Competitor makes fifteen brand-new 0-feedback buyer accounts.
- They ask one seller each a stupid question--something already explained in the auction. Say the auction is "ONE T-SHIRT, Jew COLOR" they ask, "Hey seller what color is this shirt?"
- If the seller didn't hide their email address, the competitor goes with his fifteen buyer accounts and copies the emails the seller had sent to report to eBay but alters the body of them so they say something that would get the seller suspended.
In 24 hours, the seller gets suspended.
Why accounts on eBay are always getting hijacked
Approximately everyone on eBay has had or else ran into someone who has had their account hijacked. For a long time, nobody know why it was so many until people trying to figure out why they were linked to their old suspended accounts found out eBay does not encrypt peoples' passwords. It leaves the passwords unencrypted to check for sock puppets. And that's how people like Vladuz are able to hack eBay on an hourly basis. Stories below:
eBay Unveils Future Plans For 100% Buyer Protection
Wanting to outdo Wikipedia, eBay made their own eBay-wiki. If you imagined the worst of Uncyclopedia with the worst of furry pron it still would not be as bad as eBay's wiki. They promoted it like crazy, showing off a piece of trash using uncompleted buggy software. Nobody edits that wiki because spammers make wiki articles as nothing but spamvertizements and any attempt to correct inaccuracies or remove spam will get all your edits reverted.
In 2009, eBay closed their wiki for good. And nothing of value was lost.
- How to seriously troll the hell out of eBay for fun and profit
- eBay is basically the entire point of the LiveJournal community as the only posts in the community are references to users' eBay auctions.
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