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EA

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Electronic Arts' current logo
Everybody hates EA

Electronic Farts is a half-ass video game company aimed at sabotaging as many computers as possible with DRM and shitware. Founded last Thursday by Trip "On Acid" Hopkins, it began ass raping the shit out of games through history, most notably Shaq-Fu, Catwoman, and Def Jam: Vendetta. EA is basically a gaping parasitic asshole, sucking up good game developers in its vortex of greed and shitting out horrible games symbiotically. It is like Scientology for games.

Contents

Sales Strategy

Currently, Electronic Arts has become one of the fattest in the industry, primarily by ass-raping and eating companies such as BioWare, Westwood, Bullfrog and Pandemic Studios, and then shit staining them with the EA brand.
Wow! we can draw shapes! This was the result of one of their failed games
However, Electronic Arts has made a name for itself in the "re-releasing the same game every fucking year and still getting people to buy it" market as well as having the shittiest servers in the industry, so that when there are no fucktards left, Larry Probst John Riccitiello the Fucktard CEO can still wipe his ass with 100 dollar bills. Popular cashcows include:
  • Call of Duty: Battlefield
  • Madden '##
  • Tiger Woods' Pro Golf ##
  • NBA Live '##
  • FIFA '##
  • NHL '08
  • Jamaican Bobsled Team '##
  • Nascar '##
  • Arena Football'##
  • Rushed unfinished glitchy mess '##
  • Cricket '##
  • Basement Dweller '08 out of 10,000
  • MVP Baseball '08
  • MVP NCAA Baseball '08
  • Same Game as last year, except with slightly different roster '##
  • NCAA Football '08
  • NCAA March Madness '08
  • The Sims series with at least 100 new expansion packs every month.
  • Canceled sequel to a game people actually did want released - LOL CANCELED!
  • Furry Hunters '08
  • Power Level 9,000
  • Command & Conqueer
  • The adventures of a Chinky chick who jumps around on rooftops
  • Big name "Flavor of the month" movie/TV license
  • SimCity
  • Mass Effect (2,3 AND BEYOND)

You get the idea.

Employment

Electronic Arts is notorious for providing their employees with the most comfortable sweatshop jobs in India. For designing glitching and fucking up a minimum of 9,000 games a year, the average employee is a lazy beaner which is awarded with a nearly infinite amount of Neopoints, daily fried chicken, and nightly sex with an attractive customer service representative.

NCAA Football Bullshit

Back in NCAA Football '06 for Xbox EA actually had fucking tight features, but when the game got released for the 360 they took all of the features out and reverted to FUCKING NCAA 01', now they are slowly adding the features back and people buy the game. Pretty smart fucking plan! The perfect NCAA Football game (will never happen):

  • Steroids
  • Drunk college girls
  • Bribing nigger recruits
  • Beer pong
  • WHITE POWER PARADES (nobody FUCKING LISTENS)

SimShitty

True to their philosophy since 1982

So just about the time all the gaymers forgot that EA is more concerned with making money than actually making decent games, Electronic Asscakes went back into their dungeon and brought Maxis back to life through the most unholy necromancy and whipped them until they decided to make another SimCity game. At first all went well, it only needed to connect to the internet at start-up to make sure you weren't a pirate, and everything looked awesome. But then the release came and it was quickly realized that EA was just the lying, moneys-grubbing, fucked-up, faggots that they always were. The game requires a constant internet connection to EA's 1200 baud servers at all times, to the detriment of everyone who was retarded enough to buy it, the pathfinding usually makes strange men sleeping in somebody else's house with a bunch of retarded 8 year old girls who just came back from their own jobs at the nucular plant, traffic routinely (and permanently) comes to a halt whenever their great AI decides that they should just park across a 4-lane highway, nobody ever suffers from not having a job, and you can win the game simply by building metric shit tons of houses and watching it tell you that you have many millions of citizens when, in actuality, you only have slightly less than a few hundred.

To make matters worse, Lucy Buttshaft then decided to tell everybody that the bugs features were really there to make the game better, which is totally not true. Currently the rich faggots at EA are masturbating using child tears for lube and thousand dollar bills as tissues, laughing as everybody continues to give them moneys.

Media

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Not To Be Confused With

See Also

External Links

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