Last Thursday, Valve kidnapped IceFrog and raped him in every possible way known to mankind, until he agreed to make DotA 2. It was to be released in 2011, but Gabe in the typical Valve fashion, ate half the development crew, so it was delayed for two centuries.
DotA 2 is boasting all the original heroes plus a million more and stays true to the original real-time strategy framework. This will, of course, make all previous versions of DotA defunct, making them forgotten carcasses, dead and rotten, in the mass grave of gaming. Waves of faggots will abandon League of Legends and "hurr durr" as Riot Games slips into bankruptcy. Pendragon will sob and IceFrog will demand a rimjob. The entire player base, minus S2 fags, left Heroes of Newerth and spilled their blood for DotA 2. It has it's own cash shop so you can buy stupid hats and accessories like in Team Fortress 2 or have Dr.Kleiner from Half-Life 2 and other random faggots and lowbrow losers being the announcer(s) of the game.
DotA 2 is known for the worst community in the history of gaming and mankind. Besides the Russian cancer that devoured 70% of the game, the community is completely made out of 13-year-old boys, basement-dwellers, dipshits, retards, neckbearded fucks, faggots (not to be confused with closet homosexual teenagers), closet homosexual teenagers, nerds, russians of all age and shape, attention whores and worst of all, you. If you expect to make friends in this game, think again asshole. Immediately after the match started, people will hate you for picking the wrong hero, picking the wrong first ability, picking the wrong items, picking the wrong lane, calling you every swear word imaginably. They will bash you, your family, everyone and everything you cared for, all this and more when they announce your existence to the enemy team, who joins in the bashing and eventually everyone will report your dumbass, most of the time falsely, so you will get low priority next time you search for a match. If you're lucky, you will discover the mute buttons and survive the ordeal, but as the nitwit wanker you are, that's probably not gonna happen. All this will probably transcend at around minute 1, 1 and a half, if you're still in game, you will proceed to get continuously gangbanged by the enemy team, because your own team informed them of your position, after that be prepared for more bashing and humiliating chants now mixed with spam from map signals and homoerotic drawings on the minimap.
Trolling these retards is futile since, believe it or not, their stupidity is so unparalleled that trolling a caveman with missing chromosomes would generate more lulz. Their understanding of anything insulting is so basic, that the only thing they do understand is infantile slander, like "stupid", "ugly" or some other kindergarten level of retardation. Most Russians are completely immune to trolling, since they don't even understand what you're trying to say, besides few basic words; but instead you have to either ruin their game, attack their shit smeared culture by spamming a word like "vodka" and "putin" or bash that wasteland they call home with ethnic stereotypes, since that's what infuriates them the most. Usually, trolling the American community is easier, since everyone speaks the same language. But, in Europe, the trolling mechanism is more vast and complicated since most of the time, your targets are illiterate uneducated primitive shits. Thus, you're forced to decipher alien communications while trying to figure out how to actually get past basic insults. It's like trying to teach a quadriplegic to swim. From what I gathered, the insult most commonly used in the community is the word "kid" or any other synonym or equivalent that slanders your maturity. Ironically, these apes don't understand that calling someone a kid in a video game is the ultimate paradox. Nevertheless, they will continue with other insults regarding your mom or your intelligence, by using the most broken English you could experience in your life time. In the end, they will eventually run out of words, and believe me, it will be quick; Desperate, they will start to bash your game score, spamming with "lol" and "haha" or some other stupid foreign equivalent like "jaja" or "xaxa", calling you "noob", "scrub" or anything related, since for them, pixels are the default criteria upon which they give meaning and value to themselves or to other people. So in their eyes, it doesn't matter if you discover the cure for cancer, if you don't do well in a video game, you may as well eat shit and die.
During your trolling attempts, sometimes, certain valueless autistic white knights and keyboard warriors will ride in the sunset on a metaphorical dick, to oppose this so called "arguing", being completely oblivious to what trolling is, spamming with stuff like "PLEASE STOP FIGHTING" or "WE ARE ALL FRIENDS THIS SHOULD BE FUN". They can be easily ignored by muting their attention seeking whorish faggorty. This spiral of regurgitated stupidity will never end, hence even the most skilled trolls will have a difficult time having fun with these insects since the whole process can be compared to finding a flying pig that has a Jew stuck up his ass, who just happens to not like money.
Without a doubt, the slow cretins who made this game knew from the start what inbred philistine maggots will eventually populate their sebum smeared community, and since copying something is easier than figuring shit out by yourself, Valve decided to take the approach Riot did with their abomination and implement a report system. Both systems in both games are equally useless and retarded, since anyone can be griefed, in the sense that, you can be falsely reported by anyone who doesn't like you. Now of course, you may think this can't possible be true, since someone would realize sooner or later this is bound to happen in an online video game. Well no, also no one cares, fuck your mother. The system will flag your ass especially when you are the victim, because quite often you will fight two or more people who will drop more reports than you, so basically you've lost from the start. In reality, this "judging" system is a joke, it could, as well as be managed by a Gibbon monkey. The best punishment in the entire system is the one that blocks your total communications for a certain amount of time, sometimes days. Like putting salt on a wound, your ability to exchange information is completely shut down, and since you're playing an online competitive game, this factor not only does absolutely destroy your capability to properly play the game but also fucks up your teammates experience as well (who I guess are "innocent"), since a big part of the whole play is team work. You can still use up to three map signals that no one will notice and some in game voice commands that limit you to very basic calls, like some faggot is missing from your lane or to fall back, but things like, telling people there are wards on your lane so you can't gank, is out of the question. Also, the cherry on top of the shit cake is reserved to the fact that there's nothing telling your teammates you're muted. Hence, everyone will think you're some stupid speechless asshole ruining their game, resulting in more REPORTS! In conclusion, this whole deal is a perpetual loop of immense stupidity. The report and punishment systems are utter liquid shit and the majority of people are still stupid assholes. Nothing changed, nothing will ever change, the community will remain the same toxic waste it always has been. Good going, retards.
The worst artstyle your eyes will ever gaze upon!
—A brief history lesson on how the Russian cancer started
The learning curve of DotA 2 and DotA in general is wider than the diameter of UY Scuti (largest known star, diameter 2,375,828,000 km, fuck you). The only way you can learn this game is by dedicating your life to DotA, killing your family so they won't disturb your existence and building yourself a tube-like-device that will force feed you oatmeal so you will never have to move away from your computer. Also popular in the community is to dig a whole right next your monitor to shit and piss directly into it, if the smell is to bad, block the whole with the dead bodies of your family members which you previously murdered.
The competitive scene is irrelevant, because of Asians. It doesn't matter how much you will study, learn and practice DotA, you will eventually be raped and humiliated by Asians, who naturally form a symbiotic relationship with video games. After that you will realize what a waste of human resource you are and all that time playing and learning DotA you could have spent discovering the sun light or french kissing a shotgun. Of course, that goes without saying that every professional DotA 2 player is a complete nut job. They're appearance range from very skinny pale fruitcakes with disproportional limbs, to extremely bloated fucks, with beer guts the size of Bingham Mine. Not even mentioning the fact that half of them are beyond repair, unsocial, downright slimy, ugly and borderline retarded.
There's a trend in the competitive scene that some professional players swallowed up, which is to completely and utterly fail at adopting a "troll" alter-ego. They grandiosely believe they're funny "trolls" if they act like uneducated mongoloid children in front of the camera and during interviews, making "freeze" faces when asked a question and answering with the same reaction or response, while trying to contain a laugh. This obvious comedic genius activities are beyond our comprehension and we shouldn't even dare to criticize it because we are not worthy to experience the genius that it is, like for example, walking on stage while dancing the original, classy and extraordinary Gangam Style "dance", because it's funny when you're a mainstream unoriginal dolt. I guess that's why life gave him does magnificent virgin powers, to aid him in harassing and taunting his opponents after winning in a video game.
If you're playing this game in Europe, you're royally fucked by default. Every match will consist of random uneducated dolts that don't speak English, most of the time from second world countries, who will immediately assume everyone in the world speaks their mother tongue. The best example are the Russians with their Cyrillic godforsaken horrid abomination of a vocabulary which will eventually clog up the chat. These mongoloid baboon like creatures are so underdeveloped that when questioned why the fuck they don't speak English in the first place, they will attempt to insult you in the most broken, raped and brutalized English in history or they won't even bother trying to use English and instead just bash you in their own language, usually using a microphone while frenetically shouting the same word, while flicking their own shit around, before foaming at the mouth and making angry Chimp noises. Eventually, they will ask why you don't speak Russian (like anyone sane would learn that manure), then they will instantly assume you're American and/or your mother tongue is in fact English, because speaking two or more languages for them is something titanic and inconceivable, completely disregarding the fact that Americans can't even connect to the European grid. After that, you will most likely be reported by any Russian in the game for being "racist", since being a malignant sack of shit, these days, counts as a human classification. The chance of finding only one Russian per game is close to impossible, so the report system will undoubtedly lynch your ass next time you try to play the game. On some rare occasions, that are truly mind boggling, some asinine nitwits will defend these Russian creatures for no apparent reason, like they all suddenly discovered their dipshit life calling is white knighting for a bunch of inconsequential Slavic shits.
It's literally impossible to avoid playing with Russians, since no one will IP block them to their godforsaken zone and picking any of the European regions besides Russia doesn't do shit, considering that without a doubt the Russians are doing exactly the same thing to spread their taint. Thus, you're inescapably compelled to play with these intestinal parasites. Since playing with communistic brain dead chauvinistic slaves is mandatory, you will sooner or later suffer the consequences of opening your mouth to oppose the Russian idiocy you will surely experience.
Depending on how much life hates you, matchmaking takes from 1 to 15 eons. To make matters worst, after you successfully connected to a game, you're forced to wait after every player to load their shit. Inevitably, there's always the random wooden PC dumbfuck, who never heard of system requirements and can't even load Minesweeper fullscreen, but he's in DotA, so the whole process restarts, forcing you into an infinite loop, because you will be sent back to matchmaking with "high" priority, basically adding the spit to your already constant anal delight.
Don't worry, I'm sure when the game finally starts, everyone will be able to load their game.
Phonic pollution will ensure from mic spam, most of the time from children, attention seeking whores, feminist bitches, foreigners, dipshits, losers over 20 or people who are raging from a previous match they've lost. Playing a match without a feeder, random rage quitter, random afker, random disconnect, random non-stop jungle farmer, random scrub, random mic/signal spammer, random child, random gay couple that steals a lane, random no-lifer who ganks the entire game or without a stacked enemy team formed from friends or a clan/team is 99% impossible. Thus, you're forced to be inevitably raped one match after another. Enjoy.
Currently there is a large scale war on /v/ between League of Legends fanboys and Valve drones. No one gives a shit anymore.
Here we have the heroes. Their only purpose in life is to run up a dirt road, through a river, to beat the shit out of each other. Being a Warcraft 3 mod, the heroes are all re-skinned versions of their former selves, originally found in the cheesy and melodramatic Warcraft lore. Besides the normal re-skins, because of the continuous bitching of basement-dwellers, more "heroes" were added on the way, which were basically normal creatures found throughout the game, but with a different skin color and slapped with hero abilities. This task was sufficient to elude the feeble baby minds of the hysterical manchildren who played the game.
At the procreation of the second game, significant effort has been made to completely remake these heroes to look more accordingly to fit the community. Cartoon like graphics were needed, enhanced breast physics and larger cleavages. Also the ingenious developers at Valve decided to add something new and different to the game... a large wardrobe to accommodate the needs of every player to properly dress their virtual alter egos. The heroes now are more colorful, their spells are more shiny and their voices were produced by professional voice actors.
- Abaddon - The most original character in the history of mankind. He totally can't be found in every movie, video game, comic, religion, song and culture in existence. The logical conclusion would be that his purpose was to replace that pussybitch Arthas, because a game isn't complete without the typical mundane putrid faggot with a pansy "evil" voice and a raggedy ass cape, obsessed with death, mist, eternal damnation or any other emo shit like that.
- Alchemist - A favorite among Jews. If he turns purple, don't bother trying to kill him.
- Ancient Apparition - Needs to be good to use him but only people that suck pick him.
The ultimate party pooper
Watch out for this spell
, it will wreck your shit.
- Anti-Mage - No fun allowed.
- Axe - A shaggy blood soaked tampon with legs. He's a transfigured version of Grom Hellscream, probably made so fanboys would shut the fuck up, but someone went a little overboard when they ended up with an over-sized red orangutan with plump juicy man tits. He speaks like someone trapped in the mid 1800's and has the face of a rapist who rapes rapists. His weapon is a big axe, obviously to compensate for his enormous dick. He randomly swings his axe 360° when hit, so patting him on the back when you meet him in a coffee shop wouldn't be such a good idea. (How the fuck can you sound eloquent covered in blood while you look like someone who crushes rocks with his face for a living?)
- Bane - DO NOT HIT HIM! DO NOT HIT HIM! DO NOT HIM! YOU FAGGOT!
- Batrider - Serial arsonist and rodeo champion.
- Beastmaster - Another re-skinned asshole, made to replace Rexxar, but instead of getting a fat bloated fuck with a black Hello Kitty mask, the end result was someone who landed head first in a bucket filled with red paint. Also, they decided to stick two goat horns into his forehead, because nothing says beastly more than two erect phalluses attached to your head. He summons the rare and mystical flying chicken and a Skag, because why not. He does his ultimate by forcing one of is axes deep into his prostate. No one knows if the scream he makes is from pleasure, pain or both.
- Bloodseeker - Absolutely worthless unless you're playing in pubs, which of course, you are. Also, you can't run from this faggot.
- Bounty Hunter - The result of a Lynx raping a Sphynx or the wet dream of a furfag who infiltrated the development team. He's the protagonist alongside Riki in the short story, Brokeback Bottomlane. His passive ability lets him occasionally give you surprise buttlove from the shadows. After his done enlarging your rectum, being the insatiable horny weasel that everybody knows he is, he will eventually track you down to repeat the process. To add insult to injury, the tracking rewards him extra money every time you reacquaint.
- Brewmaster - A drunken sleazebag furry who spills beer on everyone while hitting them with a stick. His ultimate involves gang rape. Made to replace Chen Stormstout and maybe made as an homage to that drunken master movie from the 70's.
- Bristleback - What you get if a drunk hog with a raging hard on, stumbles upon a sleeping porcupine in the forest, at 4 in the morning, fucks it brutally and shits out an offspring. He fights by flicking his buggers at everyone while randomly ejaculating spikes everywhere. His missing one eye because he was jacking off while staring directly into his pee hole.
- Chaos Knight - Don't feed this fucker, he will hit you like his arms are trucks.
- Chen - A Christfag wearing a turban whose only redeeming trait is recruiting creeps into his religion. Press R to win.
- Clinkz - Playing this hero early game is fittingly like being burned alive.
- Clockwerk - Pretty badass. Can nuke anyone from across the map.
- Crystal Maiden - Does atrociously bad damage until she has BKB and as such can actually use her ultimate, at which point she will take more lives than the Holocaust did.
- Dark Seer - Sonic the Hedgehog except purple. Creates a wacky house of overpowered mirrors.
- Dazzle - If an emo, a faggot and a troll could somehow have a three-way love-child, it would be Dazzle. Has three shit abilities and one unbelievably fucking good one that he is never alive to use.
- Death Prophet - Her one wish in life is to become an Hero. Swoops around with her army of dead hookers. If she gets an early advantage you might as well deny your own ancient.
- Disruptor - Nobody plays Disruptor. The ponytailed hippie bitch wife of Axe, also made to replace Thrall. He has two mini Tesla coils attached to his back and rides some kind of a reptile/dinosaur thing for some reason. Shit ugly.
- Doom - If Sauron in roid rage, fucked a goat with flimsy wings, you get Doom. His ultimate is sticking a pentagram to your ass, because a pentagram totally has everything to do with Lucifer and Christianity and totally not stolen from paganism.
- Dragon Knight - Every fantasy game needs something to do with warriors and dragons, warriors riding dragons, warriors working with dragons or warriors turning into dragons or everything mixed up in this bland unoriginal heap of shit.
- Drow Ranger - Can kill you as soon you enter her attack range. Goth/emo cumdumpster raised by hippies living in the forest. She ran away after giving birth to her 13th child. She keeps an infinite amount of arrows in her prolapsed vagina.
- Earthshaker - Buy a blink dagger to obliterate the entire enemy team with two button presses and a mouse click.
- Enchantress - Invincible to both right-clickers and Kiters. The wet dream of every furfag. Do not try to fucking run away from this hero.
- Enigma - Only used for his ultimate.
- Faceless Void - Has two abilities involving you not being able to move, and his other two involve you not being able to hit him.
- Gyrocopter - A Jewish midget stuck in a helicopter. He fires a homing missile that will chase you to Mordor and back. His ultimate involves nuking Palestine, because stealing their country wasn't enough.
- Invoker - Has literally the most useless ultimate in the game.
- Jakiro - Two headed dragon thing. Literally does nothing but fly around and vomit fire and ice on people.
- Juggernaut - Because every game needs a mysterious masked pseudo-Oriental samurai person.
- Keeper of the Light - An ugly, poorly dressed Gandalf riding a moose. Morons try to play him as a carry too much. If you hear a hissing noise, write a will.
- Kunkka - Step 1: Build Daedalus. Step 2: Right Click one of the enemy heroes. Step 3: ???? Step 4. PROFIT!
- Leshrac - Stand around and get kills. Implicated in 9/11 for his tower-destroying proficiency.
- Lich - Made to replace Kel'Thuzad, a favorite among necrophiliacs and goths. He's the best example for a facelift gone wrong, and the reason why his wanted for the alleged murder of a plastic surgeon. Rumored to have been black, suffering from Vitiligo, he turned into Smurf blue and in rage chopped his nose off. His favorite tactic is spamming frost blast at people, then running away while laughing like a child. His ultimate is basically AIDS. You must avoid it at all costs but your team mates will love running into each other when he uses it, anyway.
- Lifestealer - Because every game needs a Gollum. Although, this version is, believe it or not, uglier than him. His name is "Lifestealer" because he steals life, get it? What an incredible range for a name pick. Who could imagine the stress and brainstorming this fucker did when he came up with this stroke of genius. His ultimate ability lets him infest friendly targets and surprise his enemies by exploding out of your urethra, because nothing's more friendly than forcing yourself in someones body. Everyone will jungle this retard, buy wards and place them all over the forest. Use a faggot with invisibility and harass/gank him until ragequit.
- Lina - Pyromaniac ginger who is permanently mad about her sister having a better ult.
- Lion - Two ways to make you useless and a kill button.
- Lone Druid - Geriatric furry who stalks the map with his "forest wife". Capable of donning a fursuit himself.
- Luna - Only remembered for her stupid pseudo-Celtic accent.
- Lycanthrope - Only good for jungling and pushing. He usually fails at both.
- Mirana - Definitely not Luna.
- Morphling - Use morph to convert all of your strength into agility. Strength is for scrubs.
- Naga Siren - The
fight game is over when the fish lady sings.
- Nature's Prophet - Overpowered cunt who teleports around the map raping the enemy team's buildings while his team is forced to 4v5.
- Necrolyte - Gives AIDS to anyone around him. Press R to steal kills.
- Night Stalker - Likes to party when the sun sets. Gives people hugs when they least expect it.
- Nyx Assassin - Invisible bug/scorpion retard. Re-skin of Anub'arak, he stuns exactly like Lion. What immense variety.
- Ogre Magi - Likely the protagonist of the game, as the player can easily self-insert into the character as an avatar.
- Omniknight - Made to replace Uther the Lightbitch, because every game needs a shitty paladin. The worst support in the game hands-down. No disables, requires farm, doesn't scale.
- Outworld Destroyer - Destroys feeble Christian minds with his obviously-superior Intelligence, utilising his Euphoric Aura and Atheist Orb.
- Phantom Assassin - Ninja smurfette who can hit for at least half the health pool of most heroes if she hits level 16, even with literally no items. A re-skin of Maiev Shadowsong, a lesbian stalker cow obsessed with a poor blind guy.
- Phantom Lancer - Avatar LARPer who is superb against retards. Can push like a woman in labour but a pretty awful carry.
- Pudge - Pudge's hook can cause the most rage in the game, both for the enemy and his own team. He's basically you, after you finally chocked on that KFC wing, got reanimated, forklifted out of your basement and chained in your mothers kitchen.
- Pugna - Picked to counter every spellcaster in the game. It's the squishiest thing imaginable until you get Aghanim's Scepter, which lets you continuously suck out the life of anyone within a 50-meter radius. He looks like the undiscovered midget victim of Commie experiments, forced to fuck a bighorn sheep, then to kill himself by removing his lower jaw with a chain cutter.
- Razor - Hula-dancing electrocunt who boogies his way around the map stealing people's attack damage. Incoming nerf.
- Riki - Riki is the cat-bat-goat mutant, who suffers from exhibitionism, and loves marauding the map. His passive ability gives him extra damage when his giving you a rimjob. He loves throwing sacks of dandruff in your eyes while jumping on you for a piggyback ride. His ultimate makes him always invisible and a master peeping Tom, so when you're taking a bath in the river don't be confused when your clothes suddenly disappear. Often completely wrecks the pub scene, but mostly because everyone is too busy to buy wards or dust.
- Rubick - Nigga who can steal ultimates, use it, run away, repeat the process. He never backs down and he will eventually fuck you beyond recognition if used with a brain.
- Shadow Shaman - Homeless idiot wearing duct tape. Summons thlippery thnakesth to thwart his enemies.
- Skeleton King - Used to only require one key to play. Then patch 6.78 came along and made things way too complicated.
- Skywrath Mage - Single-handedly responsible for every throw since his debut.
- Slardar - Most sloppily-made hero in the game.
- Spectre - dsoesd aennyonnea enve kwno wtha tshi bhcitichb isi sganyiangs?
- Spirit Breaker - This guy will charge at you from anywhere in the map and
destroy your anus break your spirit.
- Storm Spirit - R, click, W, click, Q, click, R, click...
- Templar Assassin - This bitch hurts like a truck and can have eyes all over the map.
- Tidehunter - I COULD SUCK A BAG OF SEA CUCUMBERS.
- Tiny - Tolkien rock giant/golem character. Every time he falls down a hill, he gets bigger, because shit keeps getting stuck to him. Only gay couples play him, because they can mix him with another hero.
- Tusk - Because every game needs a shit viking.
- Undying - Zombie. Also, Gummy Vitamins.
- Ursa - Excellent for nubcakes that only like to right click.
- Vengeful Spirit - This bitch will pull a switcharoo and fuck you over. Noobs can cause lulzworthy moments with this.
- Venomancer - Well warded..
- Viper - Try to run, die. Try to attack, die. You're gonna need some serious burst damage to deal with this shitbag.
- Visage - The most picked hero in The 2013 Internationals. Somehow manages to be difficult to play yet boring as fuck.
- Warlock - In a tight spot? Press R. Get Aghanim's Scepter and a Refresher Orb to summon four giant flaming demons.
- Weaver - Has a panic button that undoes everything you've done to him. The only hero with an excuse to get a divine rapier.
- Windrunner - Don't worry, most people that picked her suck because they think she's similar to Drow. The best support ability in the game and three shit ones.
- Wisp - Most OP support in the game. Whoever had the Wisp always won on The International 2013.
- Zeus - I can kill you from anywhere in the map douchebag. Also, I don't remember Zeus being in Warcraft.