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Curtis Got Slapped By A White Teacher!

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Curtis Envelope 001.jpg


The young man above is Curtis© and he got slapped by a white teacher in the KCMO school system, if his mother's rambling and oftentimes-insane letter is to be believed.

Contents

Something Awful has happened!

ALERT!

Only roughly two hundred people knew that Curtis Bowen© had gotten slapped before Something Awful forums goon Rando brought it to the attention of GBS, and in turn, the internet at large. Those initial two hundred individuals only knew because Curtis'© mother, Lisa Henry Bowen©, sent them an entire ream of paper detailing just how insane she really is, under the guise of informing them about the great injustice of some kid getting smacked around when he likely deserved it. Rando's post was simple, an image made with Microsoft Word art (which looks like some sort of ironic album cover and the following:

 
 
Don't ask me why or how, but I have a copy of the letter. There seems to be about 200 or so copies, including copies sent to POTUS Obama and VP Biden. It is one of the craziest things I've ever seen. There's no real identifying information in there that could get me in trouble, I don't think. The letter writer herself only gives a P.O. box, and everyone else is a public official of one sort or another.
 

 

This was then followed by roughly half of a forty page letter written by Curtis'© mother, addressed to the KCMO school district's superintendent, President Obama, various local officials, and four pages' worth of other names. It begins reasonably enough, if not a bit haughtily, detailing how her son was allegedly slapped by a teacher and how she owns her son, his likeness rights, and all intellectual property related to him. Each instance of his or her name is followed by an angry copyright symbol, and this is just a taste of things to come. It describes the alleged assault, from various (likely invented) points of view, discusses filing charges, makes various threats, insults, and allusions to racism, and then veers off into absolute crazy territory.

A million dollar face

Maybe he deserves a statue too.
 
 
Enclosed, please find a bill for $250,000 for damaging my sovereign property. This presentment is payable to me within 10 business days. This bill is non-negotiable. Kindly remit payment in the form of 10 (ten) US postal money orders in denominations of $25,000.00 (twenty five thousand US dollars) each, OR silver coinage.
 

 

Her "logic" here outlines that she's told Curtis© that he's got a "million dollar face" and that the teacher slapped a quarter of it, so the school system owes her a quarter million dollars for damaging her "property." You'll find that throughout the letter, Curtis© is referred to as her property more often than as a human being. This is a good indicator that, on top of being racist as all hell, Lisa© believes in the conspiracy theory that the US government owns all of its citizens because they stopped using the gold standard in 1933. And that she is merely trying to go back on the contract she signed via his birth certificate (Funnily enough, most people who believe this are White Supremacists).

She goes on and on, further demanding various jazz lessons, fabulously expensive annual trips to Walt Disney World, new cars, and various other game show prizes (but no consolation prizes, oh no, only the grand prizes are good enough for Curtis Bowen© and his family) that no court system on the planet would even consider awarding in a lawsuit. Her demands become more and more extreme, including having all her bills paid for years to come, a visit with President Obama, a first-class trip to west Africa for her entire family, culminating in the glorious and furious demand to kiss her ENTIRE BLACK ASS.

CRAZY CRAZY CRAZY CRAZY

Lisa Henry Bowen© and Clinton!

We learn just how insane Lisa Henry Bowen© is towards the end of the letter, when she tacks on even more demands, such as exorbitant "appearance fees" to be charged for meeting her, her husband, and Curtis©, disallowing HAARP to be aimed at her neighborhood or preventing the government from adding "mysterious" things to the water supply. We can now safely assume she's completely batshit and that her son may not even exist, but was just created via CIA mind control techniques to drive her to madness, thus ruining her jazz music career.

The goons, being creepy and adept at scouring the internet for strange things, quickly dug up her personal website and found dozens of photographs of her posing with various famous musicians as well as both Presidents Clinton and Bush. As photoshopped as these could be, there is still the terrifying off-chance that she's actually met them without realizing they're secretly reptoids.

Lisa© responds

"You and your system representatives will try to wiggle and squirm your way out of this one, and you will use every legal tactic, beauracratic stall game [...] "see-if-a-fried-chicken-dinner-and-a-concert-will-make-it-all-better" tactics you can come up with."

Goons, again being creepy and weird, contacted Lisa Henry Bowen© via email to lure her to the forums for more mockery, and she has allegedly replied, though this should be taken with a grain of salt:

Thank you for your e-mail.

My apologies for this imposition, but I'm contacting you for your assistance. I've registered my account with somethingawful.com, and the passwords they keep giving me are not working for some reason. I'm not sure what I may be doing wrong, technologically, on my end. I e-mailed Lowtax, and it got kicked back to me as "undeliverable."

At any rate, If you wouldn't mind getting a message to RANDO that I do have some information I'd like to share with his members who've been following the Curtis Got Slapped thread. I just can't get into my account to do it.

Yes, I've been following the Curtis Got Slapped thread for quite some time now (Since about page 3 or 4). As an artist, I appreciate the site. I'm very much an advocate of free speech, and I've enjoyed reading some of the posts. Although I can certainly live without the death threats to me and my son.
For what it is worth: No, I'm not a racist (got Irish and English relatives), I'm very far from crazy, and I'm not expecting a trip to Disney World for me or my son. Unfortunately, "sane" sounding letters haven't gotten me anywhere with the powers that be. In this world we live in, it's the "over the top" letters that get attention, as your posting community, and the power of the internet has proven.

Again, I apologize for the imposition. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Have a good day,
Lisa Henry Bowen
 
 
This is not a hoax. This is very real. Please ask the something awful community to help. I will be sending this to others for their assistance as well.
 

 

—Thank you very much, Lisa Henry Bowen


Real or not, the ultimate point of all this is that Curtis Got Slapped By A White Teacher!

The letter

Curtis Got Slapped By A White Teacher! About missing Pics

See Also

External links


Featured article December 11, 2010
Preceded by
Lance Carsello
Curtis Got Slapped By A White Teacher! Succeeded by
David Tanny
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