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Cracked

From Encyclopedia Dramatica

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Once upon a time, Cracked was a magazine that competed with Mad Magazine for the honor of being the top glorified comic book. The editors and owners of Mad Magazine had a difficult time adapting to the series of tubes we now call our internets. Cracked's magazine tanked after some faggot that history won't remember attempted to poison some people with anthrax. Their website continued on and they shifted focus towards building a comedy website aimed at very immature women, 18-30 year old men, anyone with an appreciation for dick jokes, pointless comment flame wars, and 50% off cheap Chinese knock offs while finding tall people to fuck.

Contents

Content

Much of Cracked's content is generated by it's members though it is overseen by editors. Some of these contributors would not know comedy if it was sodomizing their virgin ass. But that's alright, because periodically there is some shit that is hilarious. It's sort of like jacking off, you don't know when you'll cum (28 seconds) but it'll feel good until you get there. Depending on how deeply the dildo is lodged in your ass. It is worth noting that Cracked has become condescending, tame, and unfunny as of 2010, instead choosing to pander to the lowest common denominator of humor. Their writers would rather poke fun at such easy targets as hipsters, hippies and conspiracy theorists than saying anything truly edgy at the risk of (god forbid) offending anyone and losing precious ad revenue.

Numbered Lists

Numbered lists are one of the two main sources "entertainment" that Cracked provides us. Said numbered lists are given in no real order, instead serving as break-points for the ADHD addled readers of the e-publication. The comments sections of said lists are usually full of circle-jerking, bitching, or spam-botting. Though some readers tend to follow the website daily for updates, they somehow missed the memo that lists are not given in any particular order.

Video Content

Videos on Cracked are rather hit and miss. With more misses than hits. One simply needs to stop and take a look at said videos to determine whether or not they are a complete waste of time, breath, and effort. There is no real typical video from Cracked as there is plenty of fan submissions as much as from the regular contributors.

The Agents of Cracked series provided some lulz-worthy aspects though it is considerably more tame and civil than one will find in our hallowed Encyclopedia Dramatica.

 
 
Well fuck me with a live fish.
 

 

—Agents of Cracked, the Chief

Topics

Cracked Topics are pretty much a complete and total waste of fucking time. The premise was a good idea; short Wikipedia-like entries for a few quick laughs and done in an easy format so retards that can't write could contribute. The problem is the retards that can't write that contribute. For every 50 Topics that are submitted, 1 of them is bearable and sometimes even amusing. Normally, you simply end up with graphs and flowcharts that attempt to make amusing quips and observations. Most of the time, these sections are worth skipping.

Comics

There are two parts of Cracked that make it seem as though they thoroughly enjoy trolling their own user base. One of them is Cody (More on him in a minute), and the other is the comics. The comics that they post are generally submitted from external sources for a run until enough of the fans get pissed enough to mob Cracked HQ and threaten to burn it down. The comment section of most comics will typically be smoking some 50 years after the original posting due to the rabid amount of hatred, flaming, and gnashing of teeth their posted comics typically warrant. Mainly, this is because the humor in them is generally drier than your mother's twat with more text than the unabridged version of War and Peace. (Google it, retards.)

Craptions

The Craptions contest is simply putting a funny and/or disturbing caption to a strange picture they happen to dig up for the day. They had to put a giant fucking countdown timer on it because of the number of people butthurt over missing entry periods. Though if contributors are so stupid that it even mattered that much, large digital numbers probably won't help. Winners of Craptions are typically fairly varied. Some are amusing, others; not so much.

Photoplasty

"Photoplasty" is Cracked's counterpart to Something Awful's Photoshop Phriday, renamed so as not to offend gimps.

10 Bloggers You Wouldn't Want Your Children to Meet

The bloggers of Cracked are where one typically will look for funny. Most of the bloggers offer up a warped persona so that the basement-dwelling denizens of the comments section can have someone to relate to. Unless you're Cody, who everyone seems to simply want to crucify. Thus making him an epic troll; since he is getting paid to produce work that does little other than piss people the fuck off. Visit any one of his articles (and most videos) and you can be privy to the death threats and hatred for his humor and writing style.

Does something smell like AXE?
  1. Dan O'Brien: EDiot's Note: This is NOT the British pedophile Dan O'Brien. DOB has been with Cracked for quite some time and serves as one of the members of the editorial team in addition to being a regular contributor. He blogs once a week and his range usually scopes from amusing misadventures to utterly mocking the more moronic facets of society at large. DOB is also the first and last winner of the weblog awards webLAME award webSTUPID award for jerks; presented to him after trolling weblog for not including him on the ballot for best blogger.
  2. Michael Swaim is a blogger cum vlogger (lol; 'cum') with a twisted sense of humor and a propensity for mocking the more stupid aspects of pop culture. His videos typically follow the same grain and make for some amusing material. His delivery always seems to be in the punch you in the face direct variety. But that's okay because S.ex W.ith A.ntelopes I.s M.erry.
  3. Robert Brockway fits the mold of most of the rest of the bloggers at Cracked as much as any of them. His writings tend to focus on peeling back the stupidity of different facets of society. His version of Choose Your Own Drug-Fueled Misadventures have endeared him to the community. Probably because most of the community are too busy to bother hot-railing back some fat rails of crystal meth and going on a multi-day adventure that usually ends in being locked up.
    Besides this he receives bribes to write about games that are actually shit. evidence 1 evidence 2. Notice the fellatio he gives.
  4. Soren Bowie surprised many of the readers of Cracked by actually being pretty amusing in his writing even though he was playing the quietly psychotic retard angle of a personality. Which is basically what everyone that contributes plays. Sort of like how the entirety of ED is convinced that Jews did 9/11. Regardless, as a fairly new addition he has not yet had the chance to make a complete retard of himself and alienate his readers. Something to look forward to!
  5. Chris Bucholz: The utter chaos that exists in Bucholz creative brain is something to behold. His articles are usually a combination of extremely conflicting topics that he somehow manages to bring together in an amusing fashion. Some of his writings are what the fuck'ish in nature, but that seems to be fairly in line with Cracked's policy of fucking with it's readers.
  6. Seanbaby: You can find more information on Seanbaby at the link. To be noted is the popularity amongst the users of his 50's style comic book pages featuring such memorable characters as Dick Whiskey and Punch Master.
  7. Gladstone: He hasn't contributed much to the site as of late, though did for a long time. Believed to be one of "those" that did 9/11. You know who I'm talking about.</p>
  8. Cody is the proof that the upper management of Cracked are trolls of the greatest variety. Cody became a blogger shortly after the popularity of some of his videos shot him up. His Game Helpin' Squad videos are pretty entertaining for those of us no life losers who will understand obscure gaming practices. His blog posts are almost all terrible. His sense of humor seems to be nonexistent in them, so much so that it is just as likely that he is doing it on purpose for the lulz. Scroll down to the comments of his blog posts for all the creative death threats the 18-30 male demographic can muster.
  9. John Cheese: Real name Mack Leighty; former columnist at Pointlesswasteoftime.com. He drank for your sins, stepped down to rehab, and now won't shut the fuck up about it. Much less funny, now that his drunken webcam capers have come to an end. He has recently become a preachy moralfag who, like the father he is, won't stop chewing his audience out to get off their asses and improve their pitiful lives. He was abused as a child by his Daddy as well, which, like his former drinking problem, he also won't shut the fuck up about.
  10. David Wong: Another holdover from PWOT, whose horror-themed fiction has garnered intense interest on the Web. One of his rape stories has been adapted into a feature film starring Paul Giamatti.

Comments

The true lulz behind Cracked however comes from the comments as their target audience migrates over from Youtube.

See Also

External Links

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