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Confederate States of America

From Encyclopedia Dramatica

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The South Will Rise Again!
 

 

—That's what Southerners say about Jesus as well.

You're a grand old fag. You're a high-flying fag.

The Confederate States of America (aka the Confederacy, the CSA, the South, or Dixieland) was a fictional country in the Southern United States. Despite being fictional, many Southern fanbois pledged their allegiance and lives to the Confederacy. As with Palestine, the United States refused to listen to the pleadings of the separatists, and decided to drop the hammer on them. The Confederacy only lasted four years before being conquered by the great and mighty Empire of Liberty. Then, as a real bitchslap, the United States forced them to sign a document stating that they could never pull this same shit again.

Government

We, the people of the Confederate States, each State acting in its sovereign and independent character, in order to form a permanent federal government, establish justice, insure domestic tranquillity, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity — invoking the favor and guidance of Almighty God — do ordain and establish this Constitution for the Confederate States of America.
— The Confederate Constitution plagiarizes from the US Constitution, [1]

Founding principles

The Confederacy was founded on several libertarian beliefs and values, including:

What it was REALLY founded on

  • The right to own, beat, and fuck slaves.
  • Producing worthless silver instead of gold as a backing currency.
  • Believing a huge federal government is a bad thing because of the word federal.
    • Except when it came to killing indians: "The Federal Government ... has for years almost entirely failed to protect the lives and property of the people of Texas against the Indian savages on our border, and more recently against the murderous forays of banditti from the neighboring territory of Mexico; "
  • Furry porn.
  • Dick sea land
  • Seriously, it was about slavery: both straight-up racism, and also rich fuckers being butthurt about losing all the money they paid for them
    • Georgia: "Northern anti-slavery men of all parties asserted the right to exclude slavery from the territory by Congressional legislation" ... "Because by their declared principles and policy they have outlawed $3,000,000,000 of our property in the common territories of the Union"
    • Mississippi: "Our position is thoroughly identified with the institution of slavery-- the greatest material interest of the world."
    • South Carolina: "[the north] have denied the rights of property established in fifteen of the States and recognized by the Constitution; they have denounced as sinful the institution of slavery"
    • Texas: "that the African race ... were rightfully held and regarded as an inferior and dependent race, and in that condition only could their existence in this country be rendered beneficial or tolerable."

All that whining: "We paid so much for them! We should be allowed to keep them!" Strange that conservatives don't accept the same reasoning when it comes to - say - drugs.<del/> HAHA DISREGARD THAT I SUCK COCKS

Reasons for secession

Libertarianism and States' Rights

What Libertarians say to any government of any size.

During the 1780's, a bunch of wise old dead white guys created the United States and its Constitution. Despite the inclusion of the Elastic Clause in Constitution, Southern Libertarians believed that the federal government was becoming too large, too liberal, and too Northern. The federal government shouldn't be bossing the states around. The states should be in charge. The federal government should be subservient to the states. The federal should be tiny in power and status to those of the states. The Southern Libertarians then created the idea of States' Rights and championed it.

Conservatism

The Confederates were also interested in preserving the Southern way of life. Northern liberals were attempting to liberalize the South. Liberal wanted to end slavery. Liberals claimed that Southerns should do all the work themselves. Northerners also wanted to bring modern technology such as advanced medical care, education, and industrialized cities to produce more products for their citizens high tech vibrators and dildos. Northerners simply didn't understand or appreciate the Southern way of live, which is a backwater hellhole where disease ran so goddamn rampant that people didn't want to stand next to each other.

Loss of political influence

By the time of the 1860, the Southern slave states were outnumbered in both the Senate and the House of Representatives by the Northern and Western free states. After Abraham Lincoln won the Presidency, the Southern states lost influence within the White House as well and started to whine. As with all dramawhores, the Southerners sought to regain political influence by creating a fake country that only included like-minded Southern Libertarians and their slaves. Like a country of their own, the Southerners could nearly make any law they wished without making any sort of compromise.

Slavery

The state of slavery itself was being threatened. The free states were growing in number and population. The Northern states were threatening to dismantle the Southern work force and economy. It was either secede or deal with a depression and the thought that they had to treat the blacks like people.

History

War of Northern Aggression

Brave, little freedom-fighters.

Despite its name, the Confederates were the ones who drew first blood and declared war. The Union didn't declare war, since it was only fighting a bunch of rebellious states rather than an actual country. The war began when the Confederates attacked Fort Sumter and forced the fort's defenders to surrender. Lincoln considered calling it the War of Southern Aggression, but like any other US politician, Lincoln was too concerned about political correctness to do anything right and proper.

Heroes

Jefferson Davis

Jefferson Finis Davis is the Confederacy's first and only President. Before becoming the President, he was a Senator of Mississippi and Franklin Pierce's Secretary of War.

Some master debaters argue that Davis' poor leadership and failure to obtain foreign aid led to the defeat of the Confederacy. Of course, these are the same forum-goers who claim that it's George W Bush's fault for not being able to obtain French aid for Iraq. In reality, the French are headstrong lusers who would only help America when their lives depend on it.

In actual reality, Davis was just a crappy leader who didn't know how to do anything correctly. He printed worthless money, told Robert E. Lee that it would be best to run straight through the Northern states (instead of staying and protecting, oh, Georgia), and then refused to supply the army with silly things like clothes and shoes. Davis is a bit like a lazy, rich, frat boy – gets drunk, has an amazing idea, does it, and then wakes up a massive hangover and some cops looking for him.

Alexander H. Stephens

Its foundations are laid, its corner–stone rests, upon the great truth that the negro is not equal to the white man; that slavery — subordination to the superior race — is his natural and normal condition. This, our new government, is the first, in the history of the world, based upon this great physical, philosophical, and moral truth.
— Alexander H. Stephens, [2]

Alexander Hamilton Stephens was a Georgian Representative who became Jefferson Davis' Vice President. He didn't get along well with his Davis and arguments ensued. He failed several times over trying to negotiate an end to the war.

After the end of the Reconstruction, Stephens was able to become Georgia's new governor.

Robert E. Lee

The South choose its generals well.

Robert Edward Lee was the South's greatest icon. He is known as the South's most important general and unleashed plenty of pwnage upon the Union forces. Of course, Lee didn't realize that one does not simply invade the North, so he had to learn that lesson the hard way – twice. The first time was at the Battle of Antietam. Lincoln issued the Emancipation Proclamation and after the battle he declared all slaves free in the rebel states. The second time was at Gettysburg, which was an epic disaster for the Confederacy.

Given credit, Lee did graduate with top honors from West Point whereas Grant graduated at the bottom. However, considering that Lee left the backdoor of Atlanta wide open, that education was a big waste of time.

Stonewall Jackson

Despite his nickname, Thomas "Stonewall" Jackson wasn't one who would sit on the fence. He joined the Confederate cause and became one of the greatest generals. The only Internet-goers who know about him are the ones who watched Gods and Generals. His famed way of living was only matched by his infamous death. He was shot by one of his own men while scouting the wild b(r)ush.

Villains

Abraham Lincoln

The PIMP in charge.
When a true genius appears in the world, you may know him by this sign, that the dunces are all in confederacy against him.

Abraham Lincoln was a Republican Congressperson representing Illinois. He took advantage of the slavery issue dividing the nation (and more importantly, political parties) in order to win the 1860 Presidential Election. The Southern states shat bricks when they saw the results. The Southern states then decided to secede as a result.

Ignorant Northerners believed that Lincoln was a moderate President who saved the United States from falling apart. Most polls even show that most Americans consider Abraham Lincoln to be the greatest president of all time. Actually, Lincoln was depressed, self-centered, and ugly as hell. Conservatives know that being ugly is a terrible fault in a political leader, and support such luminaries as Sarah Palin, a beauty-show contestant, and professional actors Ronald Reagan and Arnold Schwarzenegger, who usually govern much better.

The Confederates, on the other hand, believe that Lincoln was a liberal politician threatening to end slavery and destroy the Southern way of life. The Confederates viewed the new US President as a brutal dictator. He suspended habeas corpus. He arrested Confederate sympathizers without a trial. Libertarians blame Lincoln for starting the trend of expanding Presidential powers and influence, and they often compare him to Franklin D. Roosevelt.

Butthurt Confederate sole losers then decided to assassinate him during a play. Sad, really, because it was a play about America (TAKE THAT, IRONY!).

Even worse, the guy who assassinated him (John Wilkes Booth) was a pretty piss poor actor.

Ulysses S. Grant

Hiram Ulysses Grant was a drunkard from Ohio. The local Congressperson screwed up Grant's name in West Point nomination by calling him Ulysses Simpson Grant. Despite the screw up, he decided to adopt "Ulysses S. Grant" as his name. After becoming a general, he led the US Army in its victories against the Confederates.

After learning about corrupt Jewish bankers in the areas his army was occupying, Grant issued General Order No. 11:

The Jews, as a class violating every regulation of trade established by the Treasury Department and also department orders, are hereby expelled from the Department [of the Tennessee] within twenty-four hours from the receipt of this order.

Grant then decided to troll the Southern states even further by becoming the President.

William Tecumseh Sherman

If it dies, it dies.
 
 
War is Hell
 

 

—General Sherman

William Tecumseh Sherman was a general and all around badass in the Union army best known as his batshit insanity (which, ironically, made him a great general). He led his army in a march across Alabama and Georgia, while burning houses and freeing slaves. After capturing Atlanta, he ordered his troops to burn it all down before moving on to Savannah.

On Christmas Day, Sherman offered Lincoln Atlanta as a Christmas present. Lincoln was like "Oh thanks bro."

Holidays

Confederate Memorial Day

Confederate Memorial Day is an offshoot of American Memorial Day. Unlike the True and Honest Memorial Day, Confederate Memorial Day honors who serve against the Unites States. Since it isn't a national holiday, each Southern state celebrated Confederate Memorial Day on different days of significance.

Territory

How the states would look like if certain countries seceded. Yes, israel is the newest established country whom successfully succeeded into becoming a state nation last. As a result, Tennessee most likely wouldn't secede, yet Louisiana would, which poses a problem, if a border is put up than all states have to concede to their provisional government eg missouri seceded, yet Mississippi lost but Mississippi was a part of the deep south and an area for major conflicts.The government didn't change its stance. The government has to change its stance, politically speaking. Indian territory always belonged to the union. In realistic terms though, it would probably end up like this map where as Kentucky becomes the Judea of the americas. Not only that, but the Indian territorial gains in history is disputed. There was never any csa activity in Indian territory. It was always claimed by the US. Wikipedian History teaches us the confederacy was under its control in west Virginia and not Missouri which is a lie. Come to think of it, cuba would still be under democratic control as well. Unfortunately the confederate states of redneck america may have indeed become a reality and still kind of is with southern pride still rampant off the effects of karma.


Demokratische Republik aus Deutschland/democratic german republic/Demokratischen Deutsch republic which translates to Demokratische Republik Deutschland or in english the federal republic of Denmark or deutschland germany/Democratic republic of germany ie drd/frd/fdrz (Federal or Free Democratic Republic Zone or Democratic Republic of France would become Federal Republic of Denmark in english)/ddr as abb where as the germanic word of germany would most likely turn into denmark in these old english algorithms. If the FRD was established in Germany after ww2 the world would be much different than today, especially if the confederacy won the civil war. This could have been a result of the economy today if America simply chose not to forcefully occupy another country within a years time frame. A full-scale invasion upon any territory would result in a war no matter what political stance or ideology a government holds.

Where's Kentucky and West Virginia again?

Other historical secession movements

Philippines

Since the late 1500s, the Philippines had been controlled by Spain. Naturally, the Filipinos weren't happy with this. Taking advantage of the US' war with Spain, the Filipinos declared their independence and aided the United States in their invasion of the Philippines. The Filipinos and Americans then pwned the Spaniards and captured Manila.

Naturally, the Americans then betrayed the Filipinos and annexed the Philippines in order to build their overseas empire for teh lulz. The Filipinos, being the lazy spics they are, then sought independence from the United States, so they began a guerrilla war against the Imperialist Pigs. As with Vietnam and Iraq, the US occupation didn't work out so well. Unlike Vietnam and Iraq, however, more Filipinos died than Americans, and the rebellion was put down like an old, limp horse sent to the glue factory.

In 1935, after having had enough lulz, the United States made the Philippines a commonwealth, letting the little brown people think they had a real shot at freedom. This was supposedly done in order to prepare the islands for independence, but others say that the US was attempting to make the Philippines the 51st state. Whatever the US' master plan was, it was foiled due to a Japanese invasion in 1946 that pwned both the flips' and yanks' asses to hell.

After freeing the Philippines from Japanese rule, the United States finally gave the islands the independence that they so desired. The United States probably did this so that they wouldn't have to fix the damage that the Japanese had done; the United States had better ideas on how to use taxpayers' money, such as building nuclear bombs in order to fight the Soviets.

Modern secession movements

The South will rise.

Libertarians

When Libertarians generally consider themselves to be the center of the universe, they generally refuse to submit to any higher authorities and ideals (except for when that authority is God). Due to this, they dislike it when the government tells them what to do. Libertarians believe that if the federal government doesn't do what the states want (yes, they expect the government to please all 50 states, despite the fact that none of the states can agree with each other), the states should threaten to secede, so government would do whatever that one single state demands (in spite of what the majority of the states want).

Libertarians don't believe in democracy or "majority rules" whenever the majority isn't them. Libertarians believe that they must secede in order to create smaller countries where they're the majority. That's right, if you don't agree with the majority, then you should secede, so you can have a country all to yourself. In short, whenever you don't want to pay taxes, you should secede.

Texas

Although steers and queers are the only things that come from Texas, Texans believe that their state is the biggest and greatest, even though they'll never actually secede since they know Mexico would immediately assrape them, and turn the Alamo into a Mexican brothel. Texans believe that they're more American than anyone else is and that they know more about the Constitution than college professors who write books on the Constitution (since Texans know that liberals are out to destroy it). The Texans justify their ultra-Americanism by saying that they fought some Mexican president for less than a year (they somehow forgot that the original thirteen states fought a British king for seven years).

Other than being the state that the TheAmazingAtheist bitches about the most, Texas is also of hive for Republicanism and Libertarianism. This made Texas the perfect breeding ground for the Tea Party movement. Of course, modern Tea Parties aren't anything like the original one; modern Tea Party-ers carry signs and stand on the side of the road, while the originals actually destroyed property. Like their Confederate forefathers before them, the Tea Party-ers decided their country is their best option for creating the fabled Libertarian Promise Land.

Texans don't care about causing a civil war. In the Texan's point of view, there won't be a civil war. The Texans are the ones with stockpiles of guns, and everyone knows that Yankee Liberals don't believe in guns. If the liberals don't have guns, then Texas wins – as always.

Secession arguments

Arguments for

  • The colonies seceded from the British Empire.
  • The states seceded from the Articles of Confederation government in order to join the Constitution government.
  • The states approved the Constitution and the government, not the other way around.
  • Secession isn't treasonous since secession is leaving the government rather than overthrowing the government.
  • The Constitution doesn't outlaw secession.

Arguments against

How to troll

  • Remind any Confederate parent that their children pledge allegiance to the US flag.
  • Remind them that all of the "founding fathers" were yankees.
  • Tell them that the Confederacy is dead, despite what others may say.
  • Remind them that the US gave independence to the Philippines and not to the Confederacy.
  • Tell them that the US is more likely to give Puerto Rico independence than to the Confederacy.
  • Tell them that the Iraqis are better freedom-fighters, since the Iraqis fought a guerrilla war during the US occupation.
  • Tell them that secession is un-American and treasonous.
  • Simply say, "One Nation under God, Indivisible".
  • Remind them politely that Lincoln never once acknowledged the Confederacy as a separate union at all during the Civil War. In fact, he merely called them "insolent little people".
  • Say that the Confederacy would have never won the war anyway with the poverty and limited supplies hampering the entire Confederate Army.
  • Call them Hillniggers

Former member states

Confederate States of America
Primary South Carolina · Mississippi · Florida · Alabama · Georgia · Louisiana · Texas · Virginia · Arkansas · North Carolina · Tennessee
Contested Missouri · Kentucky · West Virginia · Maryland
Territories Arizona · Indian Territory · New Mexico

The United States and Separatism

The United States has a record of treating different separatist movements differently. As a result, there isn't anyone who is certain about what the United States' official policy towards separatists is. Several scholars theorized that perhaps the United States makes it up as they go along; however, the US government and religious officials has rejected this theory as an explanation.

The United States and Separatism
Supported Didn't support
American Revolution Confederacy States of America
Texan Republic Northern Ireland
California Republic Palestine
Breakup of the Soviet Union South Ossetia
Breakup of Yugoslavia Abkhazia
Cuba Kurdistan
Panama Northern Cyprus
East Timor Tamil
Ireland Chechnya
Kosovo Sealand
Taiwan
Tibet
Philippines
India
Pakistan

Gallery

External links

TV Tropes

Separatist websites


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