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The Colbert Report

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DEATH TO UNCYCLOPEDIA FOR THEIR BLASPHEMY
Can Jon Stewart do this?
The Incredible LOLk, Colbert's alter-ego.
Stephen Colbert discusses one of his favorite topics.
Strictly reserved for platinum members.
Stephen Colbert: definitely not racist
Colbert, seen here exercising his constitutional rights.
File:Colber can has.jpg
Lolcats are an interest of Colbert.

The Colbert Report is a half-hour documentary series on the successes of IRL trolling, as presented by the Master himself, The Rev. Sir Dr. Stephen T. Mos Def Colbert, D.F.A., Heavyweight Champion of the World**. Unlike its predecessor, The Daily Show, the Colbert Report is made of pure, unadulterated, EPIC MOTHERFUCKING WIN.

Colbert is /b/ in NORPs' clothing. His on-camera persona is a cross between a pompous, neocon blowhard and an ignorant, racist libertarian. He is actually a liberal Catholic in real life, so this is clearly a PoMo television persona heavily steeped in irony. Colbert is such a great troll that he may actually be the incarnation of Trolldin on Earth.

Contents

The Report vs. Other Shows

It differs from The Daily Show in that it doesn't so much lampoon news and current events, presenting its jokes as actual, relevant serious fucking business for mature, sophisticated Liberals, as does Jew; rather, The Colbert Report takes the news, molests it, disfigures it, mocks it and fucks the shit out of it before sending it to /b/ for additional flavor.

A more cultured viewer may notice that The Colbert Report is like a less trollworthy version of Chris Morris' "The Day Today" or "Brass Eye".

tl;dr he does it for the lulz. However, dimwitted Conservatives think otherwise.

Pet Peeves

Colbert puts some Shit ON NOTICE!

Colbert regularly campaigns against liberals, who he regards as the cancer that is killing America. Other things that Colbert currently has ON NOTICE! include:

And amongst things currently dead to him are:

What he likes

But Colbert is no one-dimensional troll who hates everything; things he likes include

Colbert Trolling

Trolling Billo The Clown

Colbert has a love/hate relationship with his mentor Papa Bear O'Reilly. In early 2007, Colbert once again whipped out his ground-dragging brass balls to take Billo The Clown to the mat on his own show after blowing him. After that, Colbert made O'Reilly lose The Game during the interview. He also stole Billo's microwave from the Fox hospitality room and still hasn't given it back.

For his part, Papa Bear returned the favor and appeared on Colbert's show where he was promptly pwnt again. Google for the link cos Viacom are Nazis when it comes to Comedy Central clips on YouTube. LOOP HOLE http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/81003/january-18-2007/bill-o-reilly

Trolling Politicians

He also frequently trolls publicity-hungry politicians and the Congressional Districts they represent when they agree to appear on the show's "Better Know A District" segment. However, in early 2007, after unprecedented amounts of butthurt and fail were experienced by the Democratic party, the head of their national caucus issued a warning for Dems to steer clear of Colbert and his show.

Almost immediately, Tennessee representative Steve Cohen ignored the advice and went on the show to be ræped by Colbert by asking him whether he's "the first Jew from Tennessee" and whether his claim that he has "the voting record of a black woman" means that he is, in fact, a black woman.

One of his most epic wins in this department came when he persuaded New York Congressman Dan Maffei (D) to endorse cocaine and hookers on camera since he was running unopposed for re-election.

 
 
I enjoy cocaine because it's a fun thing to do.
 

 

—Maffei


 
 
I enjoy the company of prostitutes because it's a fun thing to do.
 

 

—Maffei


 
 
Wow. You realize there is no amount of damage control you can do at this point.
 

 

—Colbert


 
 
That’s right.
 

 

—Maffei


 
 
We’d better finish this interview quick, ‘cuz I’m not sure how long you’re going to be in Congress.
 

 

—Colbert


Giant Balls Of Steel

But his finest moment in the IRL trolling department came at the 2006 Associated Press White House Correspondents Dinner, where he stood on the same podium as George Bush, with about three people separating them, and raped Bush. Here is the ruin in two parts.


Previous Video  |  Next Video

Because of his status as the Master of Trolling, Colbert has often been said to have "balls of _______," where the blank is usually filled with an enormously hard or powerful substance, like steel or brass (or adamantium, diamonds, Zeus's lighting, etc). However, a recent investigation has revealed that his balls are actually composed of a metal commonly found at the core of white dwarf stars, a metal so incredibly dense it gives Colbert the ability to crush any given noun using the gravitational forces of his balls alone.

Personal Army

Colbert has a vast personal army of fanbois and girls called The Colbert Nation. This loyal following is willing to do Stephen's bidding without question. For example, in January, 2007 Colbert was disrespected by a Canadian Jr. League Hockey team, the Oshawa Generals, when their fans threw Teddy bears on the ice after beating his adopted team, the Saginaw Spirit, on home turf - General Motors Center. Feeling he was insulted, he urged the Colbert Nation to download GM's 150 page annual report to throw on the ice during the rematch at Saginaw.

The John McCain Greenscreen Challenge

Republican presidential candidate John McCain is so uninteresting to the American public at large, that Stephen Colbert recently issued the Colbert Nation a challenge. That challenge?...to make McCain more interesting via his Greenscreen Challenge.

Previous Video  |  Next Video

Colbert and TOW

Stephen Colbert.../b/ incarnate?
Yes, yes he is.

Colbert had always been held in high regard by many ED and 4chan users for having many lulzy jokes on his show. However, on his August 1, 2006 show Mr. Colbert went above and beyond the call of ED duty when he urged viewers to vandalize TOW.

His beef was Wikiality which he describes as TOW's version of (user driven) "truth" as opposed to what is actually true. He explained that on Wikipedia "any user can change any entry, and if enough users agree with them, it becomes true." Thus, he argued, it would be easy to solve many of the world's problems if TOW reflected the "truth" to say there were no problems.

To prove his point, he urged the Colbert Nation to change the "endangered" status of African elephants to being off the endangered list by going onto Wikipedia and edit the article on elephants so that it would say: Elephant population in Africa has tripled over the past six months.

The Wikipedos shit their pants as at least 1,000,000 people added the lulz to all the articles on elephants and crashed all of their servers. They ended up banning him out of spite. Even more awesome is the fact that what he posted on Wikipedia actually came true. [1] Thus proving the objectivity of TOW.

Wikilobbying

Colbert also has beef with what he calls "Wikilobbying" which he described as "when money determines Wikipedia entries, reality has become a commodity", alluding to a case where Microsoft got busted for hiring someone to "pretty up" their TOW entry. He also bagged on "Self-determination", where corporations are allowed to act out their fantasies online by editing their own Wikipedia entries. Colbert described Wikipedia as, "Second Life for corporations", saying if a sleazy corporation wants to pretend to be squeaky clean online, then that is their business.

ED Approved

The Colbert Report gets the Encyclopedia Dramatica seal of approval for thoroughly pwning Wikipedia.

GG HEY THERE!
Hey, The Colbert Report! I saw what you did with TOW
I just wanted to say keep up the good work


Canadia's History/The Beaver

File:PussyPatrol.jpg
Colbert likes to keep all teh pussy to himself

On the February 4th, 2010 show, Colbert had a piece on Canadia's 'national magazine' which -for about a hundred years- had been called The Beaver. Apparently, they had to change the name since The Beaver's online version kept getting blocked by Internets pr0n filters.

After the publisher changed the name to Canada's History Colbert decided that bold action was in order and commanded the Colbert Nation to go to Urban Dictionary and make entries for "Canada's History" to define the most depraved sex act imaginable.

The Nation responded, not only by spamming up UD but taking the hijinx to TOW's page on The History of Canada.

 
 
A seldom accomplished, extremely depraved sex act too vile to describe, the Canada's History involves moose antlers, a bottle of maple syrup, and the Stanley Cup
 

 

—Colbert

So far so good. [2] [3]

Sauce: Go to 03:03.

The Stephen Colbert Hid

TRUTHINESS.JPG

He also successfully engineered and led a Colbert Nation [4] campaign to have a new bridge in Budapest named after him by flooding an official Hungarian government website [5] with bot generated votes for The Stephen Colbert Hid (bridge).

Although he handily won the naming rights in two rounds of voting (final results can be seen here [6]), the Hungarian government sent their Ambassador to the United States (ya rly) to The Colbert Report where they proceeded to weasel out of the deal by pointing out that the fine-print necessitated that he not only had to be fluent in Hungarian but he also needed to be dead [7].

Upon hearing the news, outraged Hungarian Colbert Nationalists stormed the Hungarian Parliament, demanding that Prime Minister Ferenc Gyurcsany resign after it was revealed he lied to the country about Mr. Colbert in order to win re-election last April. [8]

As of this writing, the stalemate over the naming rights and the resulting riots has all the hallmarks of a serious International Incident. Accordingly, United Nations Supreme Leader Hugo Chavez, [9] has ordered a peacekeeping force to the areas to kill the Jews.

Call 1-888-OOPS-JEW

Colbert mans the Atone Phone.
File:Oopsjew colbert.png
Jews: tweet your crimes against Dr. Colbert with the hashtag #oopsjew

After it was recently revealed to him by a scientist that since he's of European stock, he has a 75% chance of being an Ashkenazi (German) Jew, Colbert re-installed his special phone line to allow his Jewish "friends" to call him to apologize during their ongoing Days of Atonement holiday.

As of yet, no Jew has apologized for pwning Jesus or 9/11 but this is expected since jews are too busy counting their jew gold to apologize.

Colbert has also created some butthurt from audience Jew with a shooped image of a fake airline called Air Aryan ("the airline with the most overhead arm room sponsored David Duke") and a Holocaust denial comment directed at Jews whilst roleplaying Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad:

 
 
Ya’ll didn’t get killed by them Nazis!
 

 

Stephen Colbert Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

For 2010, the tech-savvy Dr. Colbert added a new way for Jews to apologise to him. If you are a Jew who has offended Stephen, you can tweet your crimes using the hashtag #oopsjew either directly to @StephenAtHome or openly for all to see.

Stephen Colbert '08

File:Asm-573-colbertvariantcover.jpg
This are a fact since it happened in Spiderman.
Colbert 08 Announced

Last Thursday, Stephen Colbert announced on The Daily Show to Jew that he is running for president of the USA.

 
 
Because tonight, I Stephen Colbert am officially announcing that I have decided to officially consider whether or not I will announce that I am running for President of the United States...and I will be making an announcement of that decision very soon...preferably on a more prestigious show.
 

 

—Stephen Colbert

Later on The Colbert Report, a much more prestigious show, Stephen announced that:

 
 
After nearly 15 minutes of soul searching, I have heard the call...Nation, I SHALL SEEK THE OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!
 

 

—Stephen Colbert

He has entered the primaries in South Carolina as part of the "Favorite Son". For many of his 13-year-old fans, this was the first time they encountered such hilariously edgy humor, though MAD Magazine has done this shtick since the 1950s. Old meme is old.

A possible combination of bumper stickers might be:

It is also suggested that people write him in for President in '08. As many as possible. NIGGER GOT ELECTED.

Colbert's original intention was to run in both the Republican and Democratic primaries. Due to "the man's" fascist federal election laws, Colbert was required to limit his campaign spending to $5,000 to avoid getting a free one way ticket to meet Bubba. The Republicans wanted $35,000 from him to file his intent to run. The Democrats wanted $2,500. Needless to say, Colbert's ambition to lose twice was quickly killed, and he submitted to the Jew.

Last Thursday, the South Carolina Democratic Party's Executive Committee voted 13-3 in favor of keeping Colbert off the ballot, stating that he is not a "nationally viable" candidate as he is only running in one state. The truthiness of the situation: they're just shitscared that over 9,000 people would vote for him and make them all look fucking retarded.

Speculation is that next week Colbert's giant sand-dragging brass balls will announce their intention to be running mates on an independent ticket. They're currently polling higher than Dennis Kucinich and that douche from Law & Order that isn't Sam Waterston.

Colbert Pwns 2007

December 20 2007: Colbert kicks the shit out of Harry Potter author J.K Rofling, and Global Warming's The Internet's inventor Al Gore by being picked as AP's Celebrity of the Year 2007.

As discussed, Colbert's sand-dragging balls did not even do an interview. Instead he sends this out via an undisclosed titty bar's free Internets service:

 
 
In receiving this award, I am pleased that I was chosen over two great spinners of fantasy — J.K. Rowling and Al Gore. It is truly an honor to be named the Associated Press' Celebrity of the Year. Best of all, this makes me the official front-runner for next year's Drug-Fueled Downward Spiral of the year. P.S. Look for my baby bump this spring!
 

 

—Stephen Colbert. Nuts hanging Low and swinging.



Galactic Overlord of Scientology

Colbert is Scientology's new galactic overlord.
COLBERT > MyYearbook?

In March 2009 Stephen Colbert officially announced that he has overthrown Lord Xenu as Galactic Overlord of Scientology. His first order was for the Colbert Nation to go to NASA's website and vote to put his name on the International Space Station. However, Xenufag Anons that were still flogging the old, dead horse that was Chanology were already planning on having the ISS tagged as XENU so Colbert's orders were a poke in the eye they had on the prize. To counter Colbert's "dick move" the Chanology leaderfags who delivered the original "Message to Scientology" vidya threw down a YouTube fatwa on Colbert.

Colbert's DNA shot into space

On September 8, 2008, it was reported that, no matter what happens to the fucktards on planet Earth, Stephen Colbert would ultimately live on, proving once again that he is better than you. This is thanks, in part, to less-than-important video game designer Richard Garriott, who is being shot into space at over 9,000 mph. He will travel to the International Space Station, which has been good for practically nothing, except that Garriott will use the space station to shoot Stephen Colbert's hot load of impressive DNA into space so that, just in case some alien race finds it, Stephen Colbert and the human race can live on.

 
 
I am thrilled to have my DNA shot into space, as this brings me one step closer to my lifelong dream of being the baby at the end of 2001.
 

 

—Stephen Colbert

Operation Restoring Truthiness

See article at: Operation Restoring Truthiness.

Operation Restoring Truthiness is a viral Internets campaign to get Stephen Colbert to hold a rally at the National Mall in Washington DC in the Fall of 2010 in order to pwn known liar Glenn Beck (who raped and murdered a young girl in 1990) for unwarranted self-importance and LARPing Hitler.

Mr. Colbert Goes To Washington

File:Fox butthurt colbert.png
Faux News gets butthurt that they weren't invited.

On Friday Septembert 24, 2010, Stephen put his überballs onto a truck and took off for Washington DC to testify before the Subcommittee on Immigration, Citizenship and Border Security. This after he tried his hand as a day labourer picking beans in a field in upstate New York for a bit on his Thursday show called "Stephen Colbert's Fallback Position" in which he tries other jobs incase his job as a pundit is outsourced to China. Just minutes upon Colbert's arrival, Rep. John Conyers (D-Mich.), the committee's Final Boss, tried to banhammer Colbert from testifying.

 
 
You run your show, we run the committee.
 

 

—Conyers

Rep. Zoe Lofgren (D-Calif.), who invited Colbert to the hearing, told Conyers to STFU and let Mr. Colbert have at it with his 5-minute statement detailing his "vast" knowledge of farming.

Important Links

See Also

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Visit the Television Portal for complete coverage.

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