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COBOL

From Encyclopedia Dramatica

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COMMON BUSINESS ORIENTED LANGUAGE is the prune juice of the programming world. If you still know how to write code in this shitty language, you definitely are a respected and valuable member of the programming community. COBOL was invented by a woman, which is probably the main reason why it downright sucks giant cocks. We all know that wimminz never make anything worthwhile.

Contents


EXAMPLE CODE

 
 AA-INTRODUCTION SECTION.
        AA-01.
       *     A HORRIBLY VERBOSE PROGRAMMING LANGUAGE
       *     THAT PROBABLY NEVER SHOULD HAVE BEEN 
       *     INVENTED.  THERE ARE MILLIONS OF
       *     LINES OF THIS GARBAGE STILL IN USE.
       *
       *     THE ONLY GOOD THING ABOUT COBOL WAS THAT
       *     IT STOPPED BAD PROGRAMMERS BEING REALLY
       *     AWFUL PROGRAMMERS.
       *   
       *     HOWEVER, COBOL CAN BE FOUND AT THE MAINFRAME
       *     OF YOUR FAVORITE BANK. THE 60'S STRIKE AGAIN.
       *
       *     NOW, ADD 1 TO COBOL GIVING COBOL, PLEASE, .
       *     DEAR COMPUTER, AND RETURN THE RESULT (S0C7)
       *     AT MORNING.
       *
       *     THERE IS NO CABAL.
 
            PERFORM IMMORAL-ACTS UNTIL POLICE ARRIVE.
            DIVIDE CAKE INTO MANY-PIECES YIELDING BIRTHDAY-PARTY.
            EVALUATE TRUE
            WHEN CAKE NOT = 1 OR 3 OR 5 OR 7 OR (MOON-PHASE NUMERIC)
                MOVE CORRESPONDING MANY-PIECES TO MANY-MOUTHS
            WHEN OTHER
                EXEC CICS LINK PROGRAM  ('TOAST')
                               COMMAREA (RUM-BOTTLE)
                               LENGTH   (ONE-GLASS)
                               END-EXEC.
      * EAT THAT, MISERABLE MAINTENANCE PROGRAMMER!!!
            IF DRUNK-FLAG
               INSPECT STOMACH REPLACING ALL LOW-VALUES BY ZEROES
                IF STOMACH > ZERO
                 NEXT SENTENCE
             ELSE
                  GOTO A99.
            GOTO AA-Z23X.
 
       AA-Z23X.
           PERFORM AA-01 THRU AA-Z23X UNTIL WORLD-SPIN-SPEED > 5
           GOBACK.
 
       AA-99.
           MOVE RANDOM TO RETURN CODE
           STOP RUN.
      *END OF PROGRAM (REST IN PIECE, PLEASE)
       END PROGRAM COBOL.
  1. Divide environment
  2. Comment a line of code
  3. Write a shit-ton of code
  4. Hello world
  5.  ????
  6. PROFIT!!

In Python, a similar program would only take about 5 lines, as opposed to over 9000, which already explains why COBOL sucks.

Trolling COBOL coders

  • Steal their depends (if their a wimminz)
  • Eat their prunes
  • Steal all of the hard caramels
  • Destroy social security
  • Take a shit in the local bingo hall
  • Walk all over their lawn
  • Raid the dollar store

History

COBOL was solely responsible for the Y2K scare because the designers never thought that COBOL would still be widely deployed after 1999. Despite the designers built in fail date, over 800 million line of COBOL can be found in Manhattan alone.

COBOL was designed to look like simple English to comfort newfags that couldn't program in a real language. In turn the language is so broken that it never would have been used by anyone, ever - if not for a Department of Defense mandate. The language was so powerful that a descent compiler took over 100 years to develop.

“The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore be regarded as a criminal offense.” ~ Edsger Dijkstra


See Also


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COBOL is part of a series on

Softwarez

Visit the Softwarez Portal for complete coverage.

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