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Christian Forums

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What Would Jesus Post?
Typical beliefs of the average CF user. Makes sense to me.
It's an OLD issue, stop bringing it up!
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Christian Forums is an internet community established at least 100 years ago by a group of obese fundamentalist Christians. The forum was created due to the rapid increase of obesity. Not surprisingly Christians took up about 90% of the obesity growth and were now too fat and lazy to go to Church. Their arch enemy is Fundies Say The Darndest Things, whose members regularly infiltrate the forums and submit posts by roaming fundies. Incredibly, most of CF's members are quite reasonable compared to those of Teens-4-Christ and Theology Online.

Contents

Forum Description

The forum consists of many sub-forums for various topics such as music, Jesus, and Pedophilia. At any given sub-forum you will find various threads on topics such as:

  1. Why Muslims are a threat to America.
  2. Evolution: a lie from the devil.
  3. HELP 80 PERCENT OF AMERICA IS BEING OPPRESSED!
  4. Homosexuality: my personal struggle with my anal desires.
  5. Feminism is destroying family values.
  6. I had an erotic dream involving my ex-girlfriend. Am I committing adultery?
  7. Atheists have no God therefore they have no morals.
  8. I had a dream involving a big scary closet monster, obviously I'm being attacked by Satan.
  9. I'm addicted to masturbation, please help me!
  10. I felt turned on by a female on television. Is this a sin?
  11. Even though science disproves everything about religion, I told my atheist neighbour she is going to hell!

The list can go on forever.

Drama

CF is known for bawling over pointless issues. Last Thursday, the CF admin decided to allow non-Christians to access the Christian only sections on the forum. In return several butthurt conservative Christian members made threads telling non-Christians to GTFO. But this was only half of it, the CF admin really wanted to piss everyone off and change the forums name to foru.ms. When asked why he did it, his response was: "I did it for the lulz", resulting in endless complaining and harassment by fully half the entire membership over the removal of "Christian" from the domain name.

Yes, we know America is a cesspool of corruption and sin.

After several months of Christians being pissed off, Jesus (admin of Earth), made a brief covert return and subsequently banned the CF admin, replacing him with a more efficient admin: Bro. Randy. As soon as Bro. Randy took control, his first move was to change the name back to ChristianForums. Hilariously, this resulted in even moar lulz.

The forum also enables you to sport a CF character, a shitty rip-off of Gaia Online in the form of badly drawn, creepy pixelated characters that look like they've been drawn by a team of visually impaired chimpanzees. But even that's not enough, you can also have even worse-looking CF pets. To acquire these monstrosities you pay for them with a currency of "blessings".

In May 2008, the bosses took CF down for a few days. When it came back up, it was something completely different - CF had gotten an overhaul. Immediately the forum became divided into two factions: the older, fundamentalist members being dramatically overprotective of the younger members; and the younger but more intelligently-sound members who pissed and complained endlessly over the fact that CF Teens was no longer open to non-Christians (among other things), something the fundies praised over and over. However, this decision was quickly reversed when the bosses realized that with even some of the admins taking the side of the CF Teens patrons, a successful coup could be managed. The fight was over almost before it truly began.

Just when you thought CF got kicked off to a good start this year, it didn't. The site's sharp and well minded advisers decided to troll the boards by decreasing the maximum age limit on the youth boards restricting its older members from accessing the boards and cramming them into trains sending them to other areas of CF. In response the butthurt CF youths flamed the advisers resulting in a clusterfuck of banhammers. Out of all this, a website claiming to be the exiles of CF teens was formed by an internet superhero trio (a Wiccan chick, a snake lady, and some random guy). In response the CF administration has declared a State of Blasphemy and stated all those who leave CF are traitors and are condemned to eternal hell.

Notable Members

Zeth: yesterday's Inquisitor today!

ShieldOFaith is as batshit as they can get, ShieldofFaith or SOF (Stubborn Obnoxious Fundie) has earned his notoriety with his unhealthy obsession with declaring "Smackdown" on homosexuals and nonbelievers in every thread he produces. He believes in the use of thought police. He also awaits the Rapture and destruction of humanity by God's hand with morbid glee. You'll be waiting for a while there, Shield.

Renton evidently has never heard the term "Judge not lest ye be judged". Nowhere near as insane as ShieldofFaith or MandM, but still holds enough venom towards the non-believers that it's noticeable.

Autumnleaf likes to not-so-discreetly make threads poking at homosexuals and liberals. He will often ask dumbass, patronizing questions in his topic to look somewhat intelligent only to realize mere moments later that he's failing miserably.

PaladinGirl is very indecisive about her faith. One week she was Mormon, another week she was a JW, then Catholic, then Pentecostal, then Baptist, then Catholic again, then Baptist AGAIN, then Catholic AGAIN, and now she's Pentecostal, AGAIN, all while her icon says she's Pagan. Very sheltered, and not too bright. The perfect example of a sheep.

AV1611VET is a creationist fundie, frequently featured on FSTDT. His hobbies include bible thumping and telling science to take a hike, along with happily parading his appalling ignorance and stupidity. He is also notable for making retarded "challenges" on the creation/evolution subforum. He has an insane amount of posts (something like 1.4 million).

Carico. Enough said.

mrguitar totally abhors all things secular, especially music that doesn't praise God. That's right. He plainly states that a song about how utterly beautiful the earth (which is God's own creation according to standard Christian beliefs, making him all the more odd) can be is literally UNHOLY and must be avoided at all costs, and then proceeds to back up his claims with the arrogant belief that God totally agrees with him 100%.

HotRhymez is a sub-human wigger boner who has the deluded idea he grew up in Compton. In any given thread you will see him ranting about everyone hating him or how he keeps it gangsta "twenty fo seven". He has been banned on several occasions for persistent (and incidentally unfunny) trolling and when this happens, makes several sock accounts and claims it is not him but couldn't make it more obvious.

Zealous Zeth is a perpetually angry Swedish member formerly known as ScarletCrusader and, more recently, Suecianus. Zeth carries the reputation as one of the most lulziest member of Christian Forums. The reason for this is because no one can take him seriously. He is a fairly prominent super-Catholic who has sexual fantasies about the Crusades and gets a boner every time he dreams about Crusades happening in the future. Has the complete mentality of someone from the Dark Ages or whatever time period in which the Crusades happened. Is a profound hypocrite with extremist views and firmly believes fundamentalists are exclusively Protestant, yet he is a living contradiction of that very notion. Believes that all Americans are stupid and lurks FSTDT more than he should. Mugabe is his great idol who is only "enforcing Godly principles on his people". Catholic priests trend to lick their lips when staring at Zeth's long blonde hair.

GarryDW was once a proud Anglican and, despite more than overwhelming evidence, refused to accept the fact that his girlfriend at the time was blatantly cheating on him. She then ended the relationship rather quickly after mysteriously finding the thread in question, sending our young Garry into a fit of emo-esque despair and self-loathing (more-so). He became a non-Christian straight afterwords, presumably because "God stole my girlfriend, I loved her, WHY DID YOU TAKE MY GIRL AWAY FROM ME BAWWWWWWWWW".

Tanakh carries three of the worst possible human traits known to man: he's an American, he's a Jew, and he's a fundie. He has openly declared violent war on homosexuals, and is more than willing to behead one on the sidewalk outside his house in the name of ancient Israel regardless of any spectators. He will not allow anyone who is a sinner to live, but fails to realize that this includes him and thus requires suicide on his part. Supports Old Testament (Jew name: Torah) punishments such as stoning, and is apparently prepared to play the part of vigilante and prosecute (read: execute) anyone he deems to be an affront to the Torah regardless of any consequences to himself and whether it is against the law or not. In other words, he's a wannabe cop that doesn't believe in second chances or letting the REAL COPS do their job. A perfect example of a non-Christian fundie.

Notable Threads

A typical day on the CF forums; note the attention whoring and hilarious spelling errors.

I am so angry and upset

GarryDW is upset because he accidentally comes across his girlfriend's Bebo page only to find that she and a mystery man named Titch have been exchanging suspiciously romantic comments as recently as two hours beforehand. He questions whether to talk to her about it, but decides not to after being advised to do so. Soon after, his girlfriend just so happens to "randomly" find the thread in question on the internet (one in a million chance, really) and promptly dumps him, causing him to go into a fit of rage and sadness, buying her excuse that she doesn't want to be with someone who doesn't trust her. Gets all pissy and uptight when members tell him repeatedly that she was most likely using this as an excuse to break up with him for "Titch", even though the evidence strongly supports their assertions. Accuses CFT of being "all pathetic, uncaring people" thereafter. Still believes that she wasn't cheating on him and that he was a horrible, undeserving person for questioning his girlfriend's credibility in the first place. Note: Scoured the entire thread late into the drama and wiped every post he made.

Repressed Faggotry

Anybody who lurks on Christian Forums for any length of time will notice they all seem to have a morbid obsession with homosexuality - regardless of whether they like gay people or believe they are the spawn of Satan. At least 100 threads in each section and sub-section can be found talking about their not-so-secret desires to piss off the Almighty.

Some argue that religious persecution threatens our natural sexuality, thus causing it to pop up at inappropriate moments - such as Christians chat rooms. Others suggest they do it to piss-off Christfags.


Quotes

Zeth sends you his love.


 
 
Perhaps its time for me to bust out some more of my tight rhymez to make this place exciting again?
 

 

—There's a time and a place, HotRhymez. Time and a place.

 
 
Basically, people just want to argue and be d-bags on here because IRL they would never do that..Because then they'd be friendless.
 

 

—MissRowboat gets it spot-on.

 
 
Hi, ive got a bit of a dilema, there's this real nice lookin resturant that i would like to take my girl, the only porblem is that it has displayed inside the Aum symbol, as well as a religous statue. Should i eat at a place like this?
 

 

—Phill_R

 
 
Simply put, if you are a liberal, are you really a Christian?
 

 

—stormgade4

 
 
...atheists...shouldn't have rights.
 

 

—Deus

 
 
Uncle Warren (Jeffs) is a prophet; not a child molestor.
 

 

—sthatting

 
 
LAW 1. : EVERY time a real born again Christian speaks against any left wing policy/thought/idea they will be labeled with the word "HATE" instantly, or somewhere in the thread.


LAW 2. : EVERY time a real born again Christian creates a thread, or makes a post that deals with a very right wing topic, they are instantly labeled as a POE! This will occur within two or three posts, or at least somewhere in the thread.

 


 

ShieldOFaith

 
 
I get worried I may have gotten my sister pregnant if any of my sperm got on the toilet seat we share. I did not mean to do this, and know to be more careful next time. I am not ready to have kids, and I don't want to go to jail.
 

 

jsu5381m

 
 
It is God's will that Priests should be celibate.
 

 

—Nice try, Suecianus, but the New Testament disagrees with you quite a bit.

 
 
...reality can take a hike.
 

 

—AV1611VET

 
 
when I'm playing Halo on X-Box live, a great ice breaker to talk about my faith is to say: "You know Master Cheif isn't the only one who gave his life to save humanity."
 

 

JoeGForce

 
 
You might want to know that the same guys who created [FSTDT] supports an "encyclopedia" to which I will not link. That "encyclopedia" is ridiculing me and some others here. I'm not to offended by it, as Jesus experience was far worse. I looked around the site, but soon quited, I couldn't stand it. It is filled with blasphemy, porn and animated pædophilia that would certainly be illegal here in Sweden. (anything that encourages acts of paedophilie nature) This is why freedom of speech/press must be restricted.
 

 

ED attracts the ire of Suecianus. Shit.

 
 
I can sum it all up in three words: Evolution is a lie
 

 

—JohnR7

 
 
Not only are you a false catholic and liberal heretic, you also spread the protestant lies about the noble men who devoted their lives to combat false converts such as you? The holy inquisition which saved us from suicide cults like the cathars and the 14:th century luciferians in the region where you live? People like you must be silenced!
 

 

—Zealous Zeth, yesterday's Inquisitor today!

 
 
"Palestinian" children deserve to DIE!!
 

 

—Tanakh

 
 
I do not hate, and you are in no position to judge me, heretic.
 

 

—Zealous Zeth

 
 
I got mad today and told him off. Just tired of my prayers remaining unanswered. Wasting away my life, not having any guidance, not knowing where to go. It pains me so greatly. Then I also have some medical problems and I've been asking the Lord to please heal my afflictions.. How can I get him to truly listen? I am sorry that I got mad today the way I did but I am so mentally exhausted and fed up. It's like my faith has diminished greatly. Each night I pray and honestly wonder why I bother even trying because nothing changes. So what am I supposed to do guys? How can I bring myself close to God? So he may heal my afflictions and iniquity? I honestly can't live my life this way guys.. I feel my mental well-being is very unstable right now. I just ask that God help remove these afflictions and help purify me. Please why do you grow silent Father? I honestly don't know if God is even in my life at all. I don't sense his presence much. I don't have many signs from him. I don't feel him. I don't hear from him. I don't know where he has gone. I don't know what to do. I am so terribly upset right now and I have asked for forgiveness and read the bible and everything but I don't know. I just don't know where he is .
 

 

—xhayatox

 
 
I have muscular dystrophy, arthritis in both knees, left hip and right shoulder, I also have a number of other problems but I praise God everyday for the blessings which he has poured out upon me.
 

 

—Yarddog

 
 
If god has a plan for us all, what good is praying?


i asked my religion teacher and she got mad.

 


 

—Travis Moehring, trolling softly

 
 
Ok i don't understand some things and need Prayer/Advice, I'm 20 years old, single and I've grown up in church, my grandma pretty much helped raise me, along with my uncle, mom and step dat, i don't know my real dad, my grandma passed in 2001 and i seen her, i strayed away sometime after really not sure what age, but re dedicated my life to JESUS CHRIST at 16, later on down the line at 19 (last year) i lost my aunt in kentucky on my bday, then my other aunt who i found gone and my cousin, i was abused at a young age, and sometime down the road please don't laugh or think i'm a freak but i've struggled with desires to wear adult diapers, i don't really understand why when GOD has called me to preach, and i hope it won't take me to hell, i've struggled on and off with it pretty much all my life and i can't lie but sometimes i get "aroused" when i think of them leading to a "release" sometimes and i really don't understand why and i feel embarrassed about it and i really need Prayer/Advice GOD Bless
 

 

—mra22, BAAAWWWWWing up a shitstorm

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