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Christian

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Christianity is a highly legitimate and intelligent set of beliefs.
Religion: people always shove it down your throat.
The well known logo of Christianity, once stolen by the evil righteous Nazis, but currently reclaimed by Christians everywhere. Spraypaint it on a church today!
Notice how "child molesting heterosexuals" is not on the list. This indicates a pro-lolicon stance which is good news for 12channers!

This article relates to followers of the Christian faith, click here for other uses of the word.

A Christian (also known as a chris-chan) is a special kind of zealous Yahweh fanboy or fangirl. Christians are unique in that they have a sexual obsession with a Jew who lived roughly 2000 years ago named Jesus Christ. They are well known for rejecting science in all its forms and ironically, themselves serve as proof that there is no intelligent design. They believe there is a vast secular conspiracy to exterminate their ilk by not forcing kids to pray to their deity and taking the word "God" off of coins. The next logical step would be to feed them all to lions. They will accuse YOU of hating Jesus. Why do you hate Jesus?

A typical Christian's MO in the universe from the day their are miserably conceived and thrust into this world is to seek out the most promising scientific mind possible and destroy it, to be replaced with their moronic blithering stubbornness.

Christ fandom is one of the oldest, with a history that spans continents and centuries. To suggest to a fundamentalist (hardcore) Christian that the Bible is poorly-written fiction will probably result in you being burnt at the stake. Christians, like furries, are often very defensive about their degeneracy.

The most important day of the year for Christians is Easter, when, as legend would have it, Jesus Christ burst forth from a giant chocolate egg to save you from your sins. The second most important day of the year is Christmas, where Jesus gained 200 pounds in a matter of days (à la Tim Allen in that shitty movie) and then murdered the first born sons of all the heathens Moses-style.

Christians follow a religion that was created by the Jews to serve Jewish purposes. Basically, the Jews convinced half of the world to worship their evil tribal god YHWH, and even to worship a batshit crazy kike named Jesus as "God in human form". Subconsciously this affects Christians in a severe way, causing them to associate the Jews closely with God, which has allowed the Jews, always a clever lot, to control societies for ages.

Something you may not know: The vast majority of Christians are in fact homosexuals in denial.

Contents

History

An unique and amazing history.
Christian ideology has not changed much throughout history

According to the Bible, at least 100 years ago, Jesus of Nazareth? was born in Israel to an unmarried Arab couple: a carpenter and a14-year-old girl whom God paid ten cents to love Him longtime the bitch was cheating with some other dude. Jesus was born in a barn, surrounded by animals because his parents were poor as shit. He was an asshole growing up, running away from his parents to heal lepers and drink wine in temples with hobos. Jesus is known to have made up some crazy shit and told everyone that God told him to say it. But of course, we now know that it was just all the acid.

When he was older, lots of people liked him and invited him to their parties because he could (allegedly) turn water into wine and make bread and fish appear out of nowhere. He also (allegedly) made people come back from the dead and ruined everyone's fun by healing aspies and everyone else that had mental disorders and made them normal members of society.

Eventually, people got pissed off at him for ruining their fun and using shitty box wine. Seeing the opportunity, Karl Rove advised Pontius Pilate on how to murder Jesus and become the leader of Israel, which at that point was owned by Rome. Eventually, Jesus was nailed to a cross, even though he came back to life three days later. Jews were just as power/money-hungry then as they are now, so they told everyone that Jesus died for his followers and anyone who did everything "Jesus" said could go to heaven. They also made up stories and told people Jesus said them, then they wrote them in 66 different books that collectively make up The Holy Bible. Jesus's devoted followers actually believed this shit, and thus, Christianity was born.

Things that piss Christians off

Things Christians ironically don't care about anymore

Beliefs

Ten Commandments

1-4: All about kissing god's ass, nothing to do with being a good person. Fuck you, its all about jesus

5: Children should respect their parents, nothing about parents respecting their children.

6, 8, & 9: Actions that every single society practices, even atheist ones. Christianity doesn't own them.

10: You're not allowed to think certain things, despite the fact that people only better themselves when they want what others have. Oh, and it's ok to have slaves (which many bibles amusingly translate as "servants" in this passage.)

Nothing about rape, abuse, corruption, slavery etc.

The other ten commandments

The other ten commandments are in Exodus 34. The first two are "commit genocide", and "srsly: commit genocide". Most of the rest are bullshit ceremonial practices. But this one is fascinating:

19 “The first offspring of every womb belongs to me, including all the firstborn males of your livestock, whether from herd or flock. 20 Redeem the firstborn donkey with a lamb, but if you do not redeem it, break its neck. Redeem all your firstborn sons.

Note the lack of any mention of what happens to the children of slaves. Do you think the hebrews redeemed them (buying them back form Jehovah) at the rate of 1 SP per crotchnugget? Of course not. There's several spots in the pentateuch where Jehovah clearly insists on human sacrifice. This is one of them. The whole business with Jesus was about God requiring a human sacrifice - it's what Christianity is basically about. Nevar Forget!

Jesus

This is what happens when Christianity is left in the hands of amateurs.

Christian mythology revolves around a Gary Stu by the name of Jesus. Jesus was a Jewish carpenter who was born from a 16-year-old girl, who got knocked up after she was raped by an angel. After failing in his first job as a carpenter, Jesus became a magician, developed a huge fetish for BDSM, and became an hero for your sins.

As if this isn't ridiculous enough, Christians also believe that you must pray every day to his undead corpse to remove the evil from your soul that was put there by an all-loving God because a rib-woman ate an apple offered to her by a talking snake who was actually Satan.

Christians will only argue about Christianity if you agree to four preconditions:

  1. All information in the Bible is true, except when it's in metaphors
  2. Jesus eats your sins so that you can go to Skyland.
  3. There is one God and He is real (and male). No exceptions.

...therefore, Christianity is the one and only Truth. QED.

and remember, there is also a list of guidelines to attacking the book of Revelation:

  1. If any strange occurrence listed in that book happened in any order remotely close to that written in Revelation, Jesus! the prophecy is being fulfilled, REJOICE!
  2. If you are arguing that an occurrence directly contradicted this book of divine vision, you must be reading it out of context.
  3. If you can prove that you're speaking in the proper context, and Revelation is still being contradicted, it must be in GOD'S CONTEXT.
  4. If the point is made multiple times outside of the context it is written in for that particular phrase, it must be a parable.
  5. YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO QUESTION GOD'S WORD ANYWAY. All questions will be answered when the Hale-Bopp comet arrives, and takes us to the level above human. Adventist are the ultimate Jew-Christians and should be ass-raped.

Disclaimer: Most Christians probably couldn't read that anyway, as the KJV of the bible is beyond most of their vocabularies. See the watered down holy book in layman's terms here.The Holy Bible: TL;DR

 
 
If Jesus came from the Jews why are there still Jews?

If Christianity came from Judaism where is the transitional church? If Christ died for my sins why do you call me a sinner?
 


 

— TheXroadr doesn't have all the answers, but he's asking all the right questions.

St Paul

St Paul, as he explains in the Book of Romans chapters 6-8, was a massive fag. He dealt with this by deciding that he himself was spiritually good, and that his faggotry was entirely a product of his sinful, sinful body. It isn't he himself being a fag, it is the sin in him being a fag.

Rom 7:14 For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am of the flesh, sold under sin. 15 For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. 16 Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. 17 So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. 18 For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.

21 So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. 22 For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, 23 but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. 24 Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?


But thanks to Christ, if his sinful, sinful body did (and continued to do) these sinful, sinful things, then that was ok.

25 Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin. 8:1 There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. 2 For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death.


So it's ok to bugger small boys if you are a Christian, "Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!".

Salvation, simply, is that after you die you get a new, spiritual body from Jesus which is untainted with Adam's original sin, and you can be free of this horrible business of buggering small boys forever! Hurrah! But for the time being - fag.

Christians and Sex

File:Altar Boyz.jpg
This is what happens as a result of their experiences!
Why so emo?

Unlike certain other religions, Christianity isn't big on giving you prescriptions (what you can or should do). Rather, Christianity is all about the proscriptions (what you can't do under penalty of God-delivered lightning bolt) to the genitals. Leastwise one good thing can come out of fucking a Christian girl. They are more likely to have anal sex since they cannot have Vaginal sex until they are married. It's not gay if he's under 13... right?

Following the tenets of Christianity can't have sex with:

  1. Anyone outside of marriage.
  2. Animals. Which means furries can't be Christians. Even religion has its upsides.
  3. People of your own gender.
  4. Members of your own family. (Unless you are Lot's daughters and have booze Genesis 19: 30-39)
  5. A woman who is on her period.
  6. ...or even your own hand.

Funny thing is, pedophilia is never mentioned in the Bible as a form of sexual immorality. So Catholic priests touching altar boys is awwwright (according to 3000 year old anachronistic scripture written by drunkards hallucinating).

Given these brutal restrictions, it is no surprise that sex scandals are common among the Christian aristocracy. The type of scandal varies by denomination:

The Bible

 
 
If no one was in the world was a Christian and you magically found a bible, you would not believe in all of the bullshit presented
 

 

—Some guy named philip with the truth

The Bible is a boring space opera where God, a bipolar intergalactic tyrant, fucked everyone over who ever thought of crossing him in an effort to show them who wore the pants.

Despite his repeated ruination of mankind, he eventually grew tired of killing off nearly all of the population of which he created and forcing them to incestuously reproduce because he's such a nice guy. He does, however, hate fags. Just ask his favorite manslave, Fred Phelps.

All Christians are hardcore fans of the Bible and will literally stab you in the face if you do not immediately embrace their exact view of God. This exact view conveniently ignores Jesus' explicit prohibitions against self defense and divorce while embracing imaginary prohibitions against drugs. They reject basic scientific facts due to skepticism, yet in a stunning twist, they believe fucking everything written in any book labeled "The Bible", regardless of how unbelievable it is.

Oddly, that guy's name is southpaw, and left-handed people are EVIL according to the bible (that's where the term "sinister" comes from, TEH MOAR U KNO!)

The Bible: Special Edition 2-disc Set

/b/ on Christianity.

Most Christians are split between the canon original (aka Old Testament) and the fanfic (aka New Testament) and there is much debate as to which version is best. Clearly, you can trust Encyclopedia Dramatica to give you advice on such matters.

Old Testament

Starting from the beginning of all life as we know it, we learn of God and the mysterious ways of how he rolls. The majority of the Old Testament is made up of telling a lulzy world history that science would've made boring (one must admit, "And on the 3,749,158th day, the amorphous blob grew leg-like appendages" isn't very inspiring when framed and hung up on some redneck's wall). The lulz stem from whenever God, seeing that his creation is plagued with sinners and evil, decides to troll IRL. These included actions such as flooding the entire world, creating the concept of foreign languages just to confuse everybody, slaughtering innocent children, and destroying everyone and everything having anything to do with a city full of faggotry.

However, God has shown a kinder side, as that last act caused him to give a similar city a second chance by sending some self-righteous asshole to tell them to cut it out. They did, but this wasn't enough for the man. Miles away, the man commanded God to kill them anyway, hoping to lulz with God. The man waited for days, but God, feeling untrollish, ignored him, turning him into a weeping husk of a man. God let him die, leaving him and the world a message: "God is not your personal army." The rest of the Old Testament is pretty boring.

Basically, this half of The Bible is used as proof that evolution is wrong and anyone who disagrees is educated stupid (that MIT education of yours? FOUNDED ON LIES). It is also used by trolls taking the form of Christians to tell people that God is an abusive, alcoholic, vengeful son of a bitch. It is also the part of The Bible that Jews prefer. Not that it means anything.

Bible trivia:

Did you know that God thought the script was weak from the start? And therefore decided to kill off over 9000 characters in the first part, in a desperate measure to gain more readers?

New Testament

It's a bit like the Old Testament, but with 100% more Jesus, and a lot less of God's awesome wrath. Basically, Jesus goes around, impressing people with His ability to hack into reality (and put Goatse everywhere), sharing his wisdom and love for his children and flipping tables over. He also says the Old Testament should be ignored. Many claimed he was the only perfect man. Emphasis on "only", and for good reason: nobody could stand him. They couldn't take anymore of his anus perpetually crapping out divinity, so they nailed him to a tree. Shortly afterwards, the guy who grassed him up decided he'd gone too far, so he became an hero. Not much else happens, except for Armageddon, which involves Wal-Mart and demons using our heads as toilets (No, seriously).

This half of The Bible is the one more universally accepted as the shiny, happy, family-friendly version of God. As such, it was perfect material for a great, fun-for-the-whole-family movie, which would be called The Passion of the Christ. A three-hour guro flick, every God-fearing mother dragged their kids into seeing it, saying that the R-rating means that the material is a sensitive subject that is told in a manner that isn't sugar-coated, and is intended for persons mature enough to handle it (like their 6-year-old son). Despite this glimmer of intelligence, this logic is never, ever applied to any form of media unless it involves how great and superior Christianity is (The Godfather was a waste of celluloid).

Forms of Christianity

Baptist

Baptist fighting monk in Level Three Serpent Style battle-mode.
An inspiration to all.

Interchangeable with Evangelicalism, Baptist is a fundamentalist cult of Christianity that is generally associated with people who have three teeth and fuck their sisters; these people generally live in states such as Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, and South Carolina. Unfortunately, Baptists are also located all over the United States and world.

Although a roaring success as a cult, there's practically nothing which all or even most Baptists can agree on that separates them from other types of Christianity, except thinking yelling "I'm saved" is the coolest thing ever. Their members are often known for their fascist political leanings and tendency to be profoundly moronic rednecks. Southern Baptists also often say that anyone who consumes alcohol is going to hell, which is total bullshit since half of the Bible is all about people getting drunk and fucking. They will stop at nothing to make sure YOU aren't having teh gay sexzorz, except when they are, in which case it's for the good of Jesus. Despite wanting to rape and pillage every intelligent thought outside of PRAY-AH, they've some how managed to stumble into politics to troll the gays as to keep them from prancing in fields and licking lollipops. Also, most Baptists <3 Jews which is just stupid. DON'T YOU PEOPLE GET IT! THE FUCKING KIKES DID WTC AND THEY'RE THE ONES WHO KILLED JESUS IN THE FIRST PLACE! AND THEY STILL TO THIS DAY LIE ABOUT THE HOLOCAUST, THEY DO NOT DESERVE OUR LOVE OR EVEN THE RIGHT TO LIVE, WE NEED TO MAKE THE HOLOCAUST REAL, WHO'S WITH ME???????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HASSAN HASSAN!

 
 
AIDS is not just God's punishment for homosexuals; it is God's punishment for the society that *tolerates* homosexuals."
 

 

Jerry Falwell, PREACHIN DA' BIBLE

 
 
The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians.
 

 

Pat Robertson telling the truth

 
 
"You know, Jesus will not be mocked, fool. Every smart-mouth comment you post in this Godly forum is being recorded by the DOF and by Jesus himself. You won't think you're so clever once Jesus tosses you into the pits of hell, where you will surely spend eternity having your tongue peeled and your anal cavity reamed with steel brushes.
 

 

—Pastor Ezekiel from Landoverbaptist.net

Baptists control fucking everything from their Jesus-clad ivory towers in order to sell SALVATION and stomp angrily at whatever happens to offend them this week. They tend to alienate the entire nation by claiming AIDS, God's weapon of choice, is going to assrape everyone into loving Jesus. When not blaring their love of God on every TV, radio, and newspaper, they take to PREACHIN' TO DA MASSES. This usually varies from drowning people, punching them in the face, or raping eardrums through the power of extremely shitty music. The best preacher ever to be born is was Ted Haggard who warned the gay and drugged to lead a moral and just life.

Baptist services are generally characterized as cheerful and fun. There is usually a snake-handling session with some angry rattlers, plus some spontaneous cancer and paralysis cures. Oddly, while other Christians love it, Baptists think glossolalia (speaking in tongues) is the Devil's work. WTF?

A tradition that many Baptists have is to hate on Catholics because of slight differences in their Christian beliefs. They complain that Catholics don't read the Bible and are otherwise ignorant, but what they forget to mention is that only about 10% of Baptists have even graduated college. However, this still puts them way above Pentecostalists and Scientologists.

(Note: "Baptists" equals "Southern Baptists". There were going to be Northern Baptists, but they didn't make the theatrical cut.)

Fundamentalists

Fundamentalists are not necessarily a denomination, but are usually hardcore redneck sister-fucking evangelical Protestants from the Bible Belt and the Midwest, who believe that evolution is a hoax, all media entertainment is evil, and that liberals are in a grant conspiracy to destroy Christian values by forcing their kids to watch MTV and listen to Snoop Dogg. Fundamentalist Christianity is basically a cult which gives the Scientologists a run for their money.

A brief synopsis of fundamentalists:

Previous Video  |  Next Video

 
 
where are the 98% that believe in God??? hmmm... i think most of us only stop at Words!!! I mean, people who don't serve a real God Fly planes into a building and blow themselves up, b/c they have that much FAITH in their gods... Yet we serve the TRUE AND ONLY GOD an we jus sit down an shut up??? don't do nothin about it???.
 

 

—Fundamentalist, on how Christians should crash MOAR planes.

 
 
OMY!!! This totally Discusts me!!! my sister is 12!!!!! OMG!!!! I cannnot BELIEVE that this is happenin, especially in a rural area in th south!! I mean 10 years ago, you wouldn't HEAR OF THIS AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Well i ges since God isn't allowed in Schools then, out Kids can go to the devil now! Wow! I am astonished i have no idea wat to think or say!!!!! Its funny, that only 2% doesn't believe in God, yet we complain about how the World is going to hell in a hand basket, and WE STOP AT WORDS!! we don't do anything about it at all what so ever! I cannot believe this!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mine eye affecteth my heart!! wow!!!!!!!!!!1
 

 

—Fundamentalist, regarding 5th graders fucking.

 
 
I know! There is no innocence any more Mrs Kristi! This is y it is our job as parents an older siblings to protect our childrens innocency. WHO CARES that people think we are shelterin or depriving our kids, I MEAN THEY ARE EXPOSED TO ENOUGH at Wal-Mart!!!!!!!!!!!!!! America needs to wake up before GOD WAKES IT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 

 

—Fundamentalist

 
 
I can imagine theres a wife in hell right now, that if she could ask us of one thing, she would beg us to go tell her husband not to come to a lake of flaming fire. IF NO OTHER THING COMPELS YOU TO WARN OTHERS ABOUT HELL... The fact that HELL compels us to, should be A GOOD ENOUGH REASON... We have got to stop seeing men as tree's walking, but see them for what they truly are, someone with a never dying soul, who will either spend an eternity in heaven , or an eternity in hell. No they may not be u'r mom, dad, bro, sis, grandchild, son, daughter, or friend, BUT THEY ARE SOMEONE's mom, dad, bro, sis, grandchild, son, daughter they are someones friend...
 

 

—Common Christian

 
 
LETS GUARD out Mind and our Body from corrupt things, b/c SATAN WANTS YOU! HE WANTS TO KILL YOU HE WILL DO NE THING TO GET U TO STOP LIVING FOR GOD!! HE WILL RUIN YOU, don't make it easy on him!!!!!Jus my thoughts...!!!"
 

 

—Common Christian

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Fundies always claim to follow the Bible literally and exactly. They unabashedly state that rape and slavery - incredibly popular in the Old Testament, are no longer acceptable, based on the undeniable fact that the New Testament pushed the Old Testament into obsolescence. Trolling them is as easy as pointing to The New Testament book of Philemon (where Paul tells a runaway black person to get back to his cotton field) or Matthew 5:17-20 :


Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law of Moses or the Prophets. I have not come to abolish them, but to fulfill them. In truth I tell you, until heaven and earth pass away, not even the smallest stroke of a letter will pass away from The Law. So anyone who breaks the least of these commandments or teaches others to do so will be called "least" in the kingdom of heaven. But whoever practices these commandments and teaches them will be called "great" in the kingdom of heaven. say to you that unless your righteousness surpasses the experts in The Law, you will certainly not enter the kingdom of heaven.

Fundies in Zion, Illinois (aka Jesusland) also taught that the flat earth theory was fact up until the 1950s (claiming that some obscure Bible passage proved that modern science was wrong about the earth being round, just like they do with evolution).

Catholicism

Christ comes in many forms.
Religious defense

Cathlolics, or Cathyz as they are called OTI, are just as dumb as other Christians except they worship a creepy old guy in a phallus-shaped hat, pray to the Virgin Mary more than they do to Jeebus, believe they're eating Jesus' real flesh and blood during communion, and are even bigger vaginaphobes than the Protestants (they think condoms are teh debil, but banging an altar boy in the ass isn't as bad since there's no vagina involved). Every year, the Catholic teenagers go to Rumspringa, a sort-of spiritual spring-break, where they get to commit crimes and suck cock without getting in trouble. After they're done sucking cock, they go get wasted off of Jesus juice.

You can identify a Catholic girl by her willingness to let you stick your penis in any orifice but her vagoo.

 
 
AIDS is a just retribution for improper sexual misconduct"
 

 

—Mother Teresa, using a double negative

The organization which Catholics belong to (and typically know nothing about) is the Roman Catholic Church, located in the red light district of Rome. It was founded as the Nazi pedophile division no more than 99 years ago by Adolf Hitler himself. It quickly grew in numbers as child molesters joined the priesthood looking for a nice bit of loli. Today, it has branches all over the world and probably has one just round the corner from your home. You can drop the kids off there at any time!

Lutherin

Founded on the beliefs of Martin Luther. Not to be confused with Martin Luther King Jr.(See nigra.) Martin Luther was one of the first IRL trolls, in that he used to debate the ideology of Catholicism by nailing pieces of paper filled with his satanic drug induced ramblings, onto the front doors of churces before mass.

He is to be considered a god amongst trolls, and invented the phrase DO IT FAGGOT due to the epic size of his balls.

He also gets +1 Internetz because people till this day worship a religion based on his trolling.

He also had the typical german preoccupation with shit. He fought the devil by throwing shißer (amusingly retconned to "ink" by fags). He said he would fill his trousers with shit and hang them around the neck of the devil.

Lutherans are a naturally depressed race, as luthrins, they have less human rights than jews in WW2.

The Uniform

 
 
If a woman insists on wearing clothes, at least let it be a Catholic schoolgirl uniform. I find them so hot, my testes swell like boiled eggs whenever I see one. My cock is drawn to a plaid skirt like a big pink moth to a flame. I can't describe it because it is beyond words...it is spiritual. 'Tis something more mystical than the divine mysteries of the Eucharist. It is the power of the Holy Ghost moving between a girl's thighs.

Her plaid skirt is the matador's red cape, and my cock is the bull. I see that red tartan pattern, and I need to get at the little furry monkey beneath it. The girl could have the face of an algae-eater, and yet in that uniform, I want to make more little Catholics with her. Like someone liberating the German camps, I want to set free all that repression in her vagina.

Raise that Cunt Kilt and fuck her. Pull her pigtails and fuck her HARD. Spread her legs like the Red Sea and savagely defile the wench. Stick your pope-thang up her. Fuck all the guilt out of her. Fuck all the Hail Marys and Our Fathers clean out of her. Nail her as if the bed is a wooden cross, she's Jesus, and you're a Roman Centurion. Grab that hot Catholic ass and get busy.
 


 

—Jim Goad, from The Catholic Schoolgirl Fetish... it's not just for pedophiles!

Eastern Orthodoxy

Nuff said

This denomination had its heyday during the Dark Ages and is basically just a Catholic spinoff. Disregard that, I suck cocks. Catholicism is a spinoff of eastern orthodoxy. See The Great Schism for more info.

It has largely been wiped out by a combination of Turks, Communism, and the Catholic Church.

Episcopalian

Episcopalians just use Jesus as an excuse to drink alcohol, which leads to all sorts of different interpretations of the Bible and which cocktail is right for which occasion.

Most of the other traits of the other Christian groups are not found with the Episcopalians since Episcopalians are typically not sober and have real shit to worry about. Episcopalians typically believe in evolution, sex, drinking, and all the other good fun shit the other Christians hate. This is because most Episcopalians are normal people who just want to make it look like they do the whole go to church thing since it looks good when they are trying to get a job or pick up women.

The typical Episcopal service on Sunday morning involves getting ready to drink at the end, followed by cocktails in the parish hall after. Then Episcopalians will have brunch where they will consume even more alcohol. By Sunday evening, they are usually passed out often in a stranger's bed, on the golf course, or are still drinking up a storm.

The majority of Episcopalians are OK with things like divorce, pre-marital sex and abortion, since when you are drunk most of the time these things can be frequent problems. Sex with priests something that both men and women can enjoy, since there are male and female priests, some of who are gay so everybody wins!

Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses




File:Imaginary.PNG
Shhhh, don't let the mormons find out. They aren't the gullible type.

Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses are the two weirdest offshoots of Christianity, best known for their constant pestering of everyone. Mormons believe that their church founder Joseph Mormon gained all the secrets of life by sucking on Jesus' penis in a vision in the 1800s and part of this knowledge was that all other Christians were DOING IT WRONG. He then got a visit from an angel called Moroni who said a chosen Jewish tribe had come to America two thousand years before Columbus and wrote a bunch of holy books and shit mainly chronicling how Jesus was an honorary American and told every Jew there to marry niggers and Native Americans so both could become white. (Silly Jesus, Jews aren't white!)

Unlike Mormons, Jehovah's Witnesses don't add extra books to the Bible, instead using some whacko-jacko translation some guy pulled out of his ass one day. They believe Jesus died on a stake, that there is no Holy Trinity and they do not believe in Hell. Like all religions, they believe that they are the only people who will be helped by God into Paradise. However, Jehovah's also believe that the word of God is meant to be spread through whatever means possible, which means throwing Bibles at car window screens, refusing life-saving blood transfusions for vague reasons, worshiping in Kingdom Halls rather than Churches, knocking someones door every two hours, preaching the Bible for days in the rain to people who don't give a shit, being the Artist Formerly Known As Prince and generally being bat shit insane and annoying. Witnesses and Mormons are generally exiled to states no one gives a shit about, like Utah or Montana.

Other Christians harbor a strong hatred for Jehovah's and Mormons and will claim they are oppressed by them as usual.(Even though they generally send mobs to kill them ) Instead of the reason for hatred being because of their annoying and bat shit insane nature like normal people, Christians hate them for minor religious differences. A Christfag will scoff at the notion of Jesus dying on a stake instead of a cross or God being one being instead of three different ones within one (PREPOSTEROUS!!!). They will laugh at the belief of Jews coming to America despite their own belief that all humans (even niggers and azns) are descended from 1,500 year old Jewish tribes. Jehovah's in return hate other Christians a lot, especially Catholics, and will take a break from their preaching to vomit on a Catholic they sense in the vicinity and wail at them and follow them around calling them Satanic.

And don't forget Seventh-day Adventists! They are the worst kind. They don't eat meat, drink, smoke, have sex, smile and party. They do other weird ass shit, in ways like the Mormons or J'Ws.

The Enemies of Christ

What the Christian revival movement really needs: fewer TV preachers, more ass-kicking Crusaders
Last bastion of Christendom. Save Murriccaaa!!!111

Christians and Jews

Like all good human beings, Christians hate Jews.

Since 1949, Christians have had a hell of a time trying resolve their hatred of Jews with their butt fucking love of Israel.

Most theorize that Christians are able to tolerate the Jews being in Israel because the only thing they hate moar than Jews are the Muslims, turning the whole situation into a "the enemy of my enemy is my friend" sort of deal. Actually, that's an Arab proverb. Fuck Arabs, and fuck that. It's probably just that they are confident that Jesus will return when the Temple of Solomon is rebuilt and kill all the Jews. So it's a small price to pay in the long run.

 
 
The Panglossian idea that humans should surrender to bad things because they are "God's will" is at the heart of Christianity and Islam. (I don't think Judaism has the same fatalism.)
 

 

—Richard Stallman [1]

Christians and Atheists

People usually consider Christians and Atheists to be mortal enemies, where as this is really not true, as everybody knows Christians are immortal. When not calling each other names and burning each other alive, both sides come together in brotherhood to celebrate how much of a dickhead each other is for fighting and threatening medieval torture on each other. This usually ends in smex on both sides which is completely forgotten ten seconds later when they are impaling each other and showing their non-existent genitals to each other. This cycle usually continues on a weekly basis at local churches and emo cafes. Christians can often be found on /b/ creating threads and ranting and complaining about how much they hate Atheists.

Christians and Quakers

While the Quakers may claim to be Christians, we know better. Shortly after being founded by a dude who was tired of the Christian's shit(and who some believed was Jesus himself, despite main claims to the contrary), they started advocating women's rights, the freedom of slaves, and not being pretentious douchebags who kill people for not believing the same thing. After making the state Pennsylvania, they all disappeared off the face of the planet, and only once in a while resurface to tell people to stop pointing guns at each other or beating up fags people. Quakers are Christian's worst enemies because the Quakers want to be friends with them while at the same time believing something different, which is obviously just an elaborate trap designed to lure Christians into heathenism.

Christians and Bastard Children

It would come as a suprise to most, considering all christians are pro-life but what they don't tell you as such children are obviously spawn of the devil and therefore not a part of God's plan. In other words, Get the fuck out.

Christians and... Christians?!

Ironically Christians tend to hate their own kind just as much as they do pretty well everything else in existence. Often this comes in the form of clawing all over one another like uncivilized man-animals vying for the prize of who gets to be the most "holier than thou" of the bunch. Usually this is done by screeching like a howler monkey about how they're true Christians and all the other Christians are fakes, frauds and liars.

This is largely a result of the fact that their entire belief system is based upon a haphazard collection of ancient fables poorly written in three different languages that were sloppily bitched together during the dark ages with overly piss poor translation and a whole lot of "artistic liberty" to form a book that basically contradicts itself in every other paragraph.

In total there are roughly FIVE HUNDRED prominent contradictions contained within most accepted versions of the Bible. As such the Bible effectively reads like a "Choose Your Own Adventure" story where any asshole can simply cherry pick pious points to parallel their piggish personality and penurious points of view to pass off whatever piss poor rendition of the religion they like as the true Christianity. Of course blatantly ignoring all contradictory points and often retarding back to mimetic, circular catch phrases like, "God works in mysterious ways!", whenever they get righteously bitch slapped with their hole ridden hypocrisy.

Christian Oppression

Because the majority of the U.S. population is being persecuted. And are hypocrites.

Out of all the other religions, Christians are the biggest crybabies of the bunch. They make up around 84% of the United States, but still will always bitch and fucking moan about how oppressed they are. They are happy to shit over everybody else's viewpoints, but if you ever dare criticize Christianity, you will be accused of being "disrespectful". Example:

Typical Christian: Heathens! Hear the Word of God.

All Jews are going to Hell because they have not accepted Jesus Christ.
All Muslims are going to Hell because they have not accepted Jesus Christ.
All Hindus are going to Hell because they have not accepted Jesus Christ.
All Buddhists are going to Hell because they have not accepted Jesus Christ.
All Wiccans are going to Hell because they have not accepted Jesus Christ.
All...

Guy: Wait a minute, how are those religions any less valid than Christianity?

Christian: How dare you offend my sacred, deeply held beliefs! Stop oppressing me!

Guy: /facepalm

Christian: (in self-righteous defiance of Guy)

'All Atheists are going to Hell because they have not accepted Jesus Christ.
All Agnostics are going to Hell because they have not accepted Jesus Christ.
All...

Often they can be found on /b/ posting pro-Christian copypasta.

Christians (Internet Species)

Jesus and Hitler are BFFs.

Christians love to abuse other people's space and privacy, it's their favored past time, so when the Internet was invented they boarded the Jesus train to dialup to begin their cyber Manifest Destiny of shitty propaganda. Since these times, more and more religious Christ zealots find their way online to secure God's position firmly on its grounds. These types of people inhabit almost every conceivable community that makes up the web and constantly through the day/night some asshole is quoting the bible somewhere in an effort to smite some e-foe. Luckily, Christians make up a large pool of easily trolled targets because if the Internet has taught us anything it's that everyone is a hypocrite. It's only fitting that the people who spend most of their time telling others how to live would be the most raging hypocrites out there. This trusty flaw results in massive ruin and has been a staple of dramatic events throughout history. E-Christians (aka Christfags) are no different from their offline counterparts, however, their large numbers and gestapo sects do not translate in any way online. They are weak cry-baby carebears who quit the Internet forever at the drop of their hat.

Christianity LJ Community

Lj-favicon.png Christianity is moderated by jjostm, ariston, and pould. This community is the home of much drama. Past graduates have included purelily, foxmagic, and Nathan Sheets. Once upon a time, butt sex used to be the prime object of discussion, but now all "love juice" questions are directed at Lj-favicon.png christianitysex. Instead, the denizens of this community now get their holy mojo risin' via hilariously pseudo-nonchalant usage of Jewish and Hebrew terms, to make themselves sound more "authentic" or whatever.

This group is especially useful for those who suspect themselves of being damned. A quick listing of your sins will result in helpful feedback indicating not only which circle of hell you will suffer in for all eternity, but whether your assigned demons will use pitchforks or cattle prods.

The group is able to offer this service through member myprophet, who has announced she is God's appointed voice on Earth. The Pope denies this, saying he is God's appointed voice on Earth. George W. Bush says they are both crazy blasphemers, and he is God's appointed voice on Earth. Attempts to settle the issue through a walk-that-water challenge have as yet been unsuccessful due to scheduling difficulties, however God is quoted as saying "Jesus fucking Christ, I don't know why I bother."

Trolling

Provided are pastas for trolling Christians:

In the name of Satan, ruler of Earth, the King of the world, the Chief of the Serfs, I command the forces of darkness to bestow their infernal power upon us. Save us, Lord Satan, from the treacherous and the violent. Oh Satan, Spirit of the Earth, God of Liberty, open wide the gates of Hell and come forth from the abyss by these names: Satan! Ba'al Z?bûb! Leviathan! Asmodeus! Abaddon!

Allahu akbar. Ashhadu 'an la ilaha illa-allah, wa ashhadu 'anna Muhammadan rasulu-llah.

Nuvola
Moar info: Christian#Drama-generating_Techniques.

A trusty example of your common Internet Christian:


 
 
So I asked Jesus how much he loved me and he replied "THIS MUCH" and stretched his arms, but, he just sorta stretched them... and then died.

I walked away, diappointed, I'd expected him to at least hug me, but we'll see what happens on the next date. It's in 3days.
 


 

—Some chrisfag


Christians are also incredibly good at walking into traps on internet chat rooms. Here's an example of that:


 
 
      Charles Stuben: I prayed two years for my wife before she died of cancer, and it didn't seem to help much.
      Tom (UK): How do you know it didn't help?
      Charles Stuben: Because she's dead in the ground.
      Charles Stuben: I generally take that as meaning it didn't help.
      Tom (UK): Maybe it did help. Maybe she's in heaven experiencing the love of God's Holy Trinity.
      Charles Stuben: So she's in heaven sucking God's cock now? I feel so much better.
      YOU HAVE BEEN BANNED FROM CATHOLICHAT.
 

 

—Silveracecard trolling Christians on Catholichat



Get your bible away from me faggot!

 Lord Jesu Yos,u're lovely.
 You're more to be desired,
 Than any earthly pleasure.
 You're fine, beyond compare.
 Lord Jesus, Your beauty
 Does far exceed all others.
 You're comely and You're tender.
 You're radiant and You're fair.
 When I behold You Jesus,
 You draw my heart completely.
 I cannot turn away Lord,
 I rest in Your embrace;
 And time is gone there's only
 Your holy, matchless presence
 Abiding in You, gazing
 Upon Your glorious face.
 I give my life to You Lord,
 For You alone are worthy.
 There's nothing and there's no one
 That I desire but You.
 May all my days be Yours, Lord,
 My heart be given to love You,
 To treasure and to serve You
 By Your sufficient grace.
- Common E-Christian behavior

Media

Although Christians believe everyone and everything related to media other than Sean Hannity is the world of the devil, the production of Christian media is at an all time high.


Jesus song

Jewish pig nailed to the cross

Jewish pig nailed on the cross Death and decaying, needed to nobody Jewish king ended like a thief Crucified on peak of Golgotha

Kosher swine crucified Kosher swine crucified

Sold for thirty silver coins Died in pain and disdain Jewish beggar, pile of shit, Dead and stunk as their faith

Jewish pig nailed on a cross Jewish pig nailed on a cross

One day everyone will realize, That this faith is false jewish paradox, Which beguiled white man Free your mind from this filthy dogma

Your god is dead !!(8 times)



Christian Videos

Present-Day Crusades
Though it is thought that the Crusades were gone long ago, these true Christians, with the help of their Holy Megaphone, they are allowing no escape for open minded individuals.

No sex is the best!

Previous Video  |  Next Video

Christian Music

Gimme dat Christian side hug! Dat Christian side hug! I'm a rough rider filled up with Christ's love. Side hug or I'll put you in a coma!

Dont worry though, Brian Spinney made great rap to tell the youth of today how great Jesus is!

Are Christians better than non-Christians?

This guy answers this long-debated question for you, Romans style!

Emails to God

 
 
How did Koala Bears Evolve

After all they are Marsupials and not real Bears. They serve no purpose. You cannot ride them like a Camel or horse. People do not eat them for food. They are restricted to eating only Euchaliptus leaves . Then what is their purpose.
 


 

—Canadian Christfag destroying evolutionism for great justice

 
 
Um, alright. However, I fucking MADE them, cocksucker, so therefore fucking awesome. I have never made anything lame, except Rosie O'Donnell, who, unfortunately, was an epic fail.
 

 

—God's response

 
 
Your claims have to be supported first. You make the claims, you support them. Otherwise, withdraw them. I mean that. MY claims ARE supported by the bible. Where there IS NO science, that counts as a lot. If you have science, now would be a good time to bring it to bear. If not, the ancient records do counts for something. Better than your nothing. And I only say that because you can offer nothing in the way of proof or evidence for the basis of your deep past claims.
 

 

—Christian Scientist pwning logic

 
 
OK, why don't you just become agnostic? I mean, that would work out for both of us. No, really.
 

 

—God's response

 
 
If we are all God's children, then what's so special about Jesus?
 

 

—Jimmy Carr, comedian hated by Christians

 
 
Because he is cool. And he has a beard.
 

 

—God's response

 
 
I don’t really want to buy your site I just wanted to tell you how much of a chickenshit pussy that you are. You are too damn afraid to say anything bad about Muslims, however you rail against Christians all day because you know that we will not slit your throat as Muslims would do. I do hope, however, that someone slashes your dick off with a buckknife and sticks it down your throat so you will no longer be able to say hateful things against Christians. On second thought, you are probably gay, and already have someone else’s dick in your mouth. If that is the case I hope you get AIDS and die mother fucker! Go to hell and take red-headed faghag cunt Kathy Griffin with you. Goddamn she ia one FUGLY BITCH! I imagine her pussy smells like your ass. Have a good one queerboy.
 

 

—Typical Christian,loving his neighbor

 
 
Do not insult the queer or ugly ones, as much like Kathy Griffin, the prophet Ann Coulter and the saint J Edgar Hoover, Mary Magdalene was also a harlot of the Siamese strand. Many must know the communion of her was divine as my Son gave it to her in the holy place, as a result they did not produce child. You are right about that Arab Muhammed though, let's go blow up some mosques, y'all!
 

 

—God's response

 
 
I am a bit troubled. I believe my son has a girlfriend, because she left a dirty magazine with men in it under his bed. My son is only 16 and I really don't think he's ready to date yet. What's worse is that he's sneaking some girl to his room behind my back. I need help, God! I want my son to stop being so secretive!
 

 

—Concerned mother in denial.

 
 
Wake up, sweetpea. He likes it in the butt. God bless you! Wait, that's my job.
 

 

—God's short & sweet reply

 
 
Ok make sure you use Scripture not logic.
 

 

—A forum Christian in regards to a debate.

 
 
That's right!
 

 

—God's response

 
 
YOU ARE A SICK PERVERTED TWISTED PYSCOPATH! YES FYI THESE ARE BLOODY FLAMES IM SENDING YOU! WHEATHER YOU'RE CHRISTIAN OR NOT IT DOESN'T MATTER THIS STUFF IS NOT FUNNY ITS CRAP A LOAD OF CRAP AND DISGRACEFUL AND DISGUSTING YOU SHOULDNT EVEN BE ALLOWED ON FANFICTION! YOU'RE DISGUSTING GO DIE IN A HOLE. AND YOU CAN PRAY YOU DONT GET STUCK!
 

 

—A typical Christian showing humility and forgiveness in the face of lulz.

 
 
FYI, you can't do that. I am the ruler of the motherfucking universe. By the way, next time make sure Caps Lock is off.
 

 

—God's response

 
 
Dude your fucking dumb shut the hell up!!!! Your gunna burn in hell!!!! And I'm gunna go to the most wonderful place anyone can imagine...HEAVEN!!!!! bcuz I know GOD and I LOVE HIM!!!
 

 

—Contrary to popular belief Christians can actually summon God at will and suck his cock in exchange for visions of the future

 
 
Congratulations, you've just earned a one-way ticket to the fiery flames of hell.
 

 

—God's response

 
 
Ok lets think about it this way if(using if to avoid tons of flames) there was a being(I will refer to God as this for this quote) that created everything, and knew the science behind everything wouldn't you think it would be easy for the being to make someone be pregnant with being a virgin?

And everything the being does is out of love, now you say "then why is bad things happening?" because long time ago he gave humuns controll of the earth, and when they broke the single rule the rights got transferred over to the devil. And the being that created everything bounds himself by rules because the being wants to have the other beings able to choose what they will do. And since the devil doesn't like us he wants to cause us pain, but since the being is good he made it so it wouldn't be complete torture. Now you're asking "Why would a good being send us to hell?" the reason is because the devil has control over the earth he made rules about what happens, and now the being has to work around them. So, then the being had his son be born to die for our sins. So, we can go to heaven insted of hell. I can go on and on about stuff, but lets leave it at that for now.
 


 

— This is your proper christian.

 
 
To be honest, that was a lie. I just jizzed into Mary's bubble bath for the lulz.
 

 

—God's response

Previous Quote | Next Quote


Christian Gallery

About missing Pics

Drama-generating Techniques

  1. Question the Bible.
  1. Jesus was a Troll(you been trolled,GBU)
  2. State that they're 99% atheist because they only believe in Yahweh and not any other gods like Allah and Zeus
  3. State that Jesus was a control freak and passive-aggressive.
  4. State that since God does not believe in a deity that has higher authority over him, that makes God an atheist.
  5. Tell them that Christianity is a Middle Eastern Religion like Islam.
  6. Ask what year Jesus was born.
  7. When surprised/excited/pissed, yell "Jesus Christ on a ___ !" Examples: "Jesus Christ on a black guy's dick!" or "Jesus H. Christ on a surfboard!") The more obscene it is, the more lulz you will generate. Extra points for making it long enough that they'll know that you don't just have tourettes: "Jesus Mary and Joseph hanging off the Cross for Chrissake God damn it shit!"
  8. Ask if he's a bastard child.
  9. Ask how many people were at his tomb.
  10. Ask why a crucified criminal was put in a tomb instead of a mass grave. Fun-fact if they can't answer: One of his followers paid for the tomb.
  11. Ask how Judas died.
  12. Make note of their homophobia, pointing out even though homosexuality is a sin according to the Bible, the Bible also says Jesus forgives people of their sins, thus they should accept gays RAEG will ensue, most likely followed by a misinformed rant.
  13. Remind them of their latent homosexuality.
  14. Remind them if that they truly believed in Jesus, they wouldn't argue about it.
  15. Slap them and ask them to present their other cheek for similar treatment.
  16. Ask why the talking snake is literal but Jesus' command to sell everything they own is metaphorical.
  17. Give an intelligent, well-researched explanation of Einstein's views on religion.
  18. Give an intelligent, well-researched explanation of Hitler's views on religion.
  19. Give an intelligent, well-researched explanation of anything.
  20. Give unintelligent, poorly-researched explanations of everything.
  21. Point out Bible quotes promoting murder, rape and slavery, then point to Matthew 5:18-19.
  22. Ask if Cain and Abel had sex with each other or Eve to make more people.
  23. Ask them if they've ever had a lustful thought or masturbated, and if they have, why they haven't plucked out their eye or cut off their hand.
  24. Ask why would God create rules that were impossible to follow, then punish the world/his followers when he could have just sent Christ and fixed everything right away?
  25. Point out that, based on the appearance of every other individual in the area he was born, Jesus was clearly either black or brown.
  26. Point at the gold cross dangling from their necklace and accuse them of worshiping a graven idol. (A golden one, no less!)
  27. Ask Christians the following: Do you believe in transubstantiation? Could you please explain it to me?" they explain it. Then you bring up Deuteronomy. ( it says eating human flesh is forbidden. Transubstantiation clams that the bread at the last supper turns into real human flesh). Epic lulz will then ensure.
  28. Explain to them how they would worship an electric chair or a poison gas chamber if Jesus died 20 - 50 years ago.
  29. Really fuck up their dome by reminding them that in Isaiah 43:10-13, God himself says there is no savior and all men must contact God directly. Ergo, Jesus Christ was, by default, a false prophet. Much hair-pulling and stammering will follow.
  30. Say that Christians are tools of the Jewish-dominated Neoconservatives in control of the Republican Party.
  31. Say that Mary was likely only a technical virgin, considering that Jews circa 5 BCE were highly patriarchal.
  32. Say that Christianity is nothing but Judaism, version 2.0...
  33. ... and thus, Islam must be Judaism, version 3.0.
  34. ... and thus, Mormonism must be Judaism, version 3.5....for the iMac.
  35. Gently wipe the tears that begin pouring from their eyes.
  36. Proceed with fucking their virgin mothers.
  37. You can also place Bibles from your local library or book store in the "fiction" section for added bonus.
  38. Make a point that Jesus had two fathers.
  39. Point out that Jesus' suffering for mankind is dwarfed by the suffering experienced by even one of the billions of people he has personally shoved into the pits of hell.
  40. Use your hands to make quotation marks whenever you mention God or Jesus, or any religious figure.
  41. Ask how Adam and Eve only had two sons, and yet there are over six billion people on earth now.
  42. Ask why they don't attack Atheist marriages since they claim marriage is a religious thing.
  43.  ????
  44. PROFIT!!!

Show Christians These Videos to Troll Them With the Truth!

You can also send them one of these videos, for great justice

Thunderf00t proving how stupid Young Earth Creationism is!

Disprove Jesus today!!!

Christians Murdered Indians--FACT BITCHES!!

Previous Video  |  Next Video

Marquis de Sade Provides The Final Words Of Wisdom And Nails the Coffin

To believe in God one must first have gone out of one's mind. Fruit of the terror of some and of the frailty of others, that abominable phantom, Eugénie, is of no use to the terrestrial scheme and would infallibly be injurious to it, since the will of God would have to be just and should never be able to ally itself to the essential injustices decreed by Nature; since He would constantly have to will the good, while Nature must desire it only as compensation for the evil which serves her laws; since it would be necessary that he, God, exert his influence at all times, while Nature, one of whose laws is this perpetual activity, could only find herself in competition with and unceasing opposition to him. Am I to hear in reply, that God and Nature are one? 'Tis an absurdity. The thing created cannot be the creative being's equal. Might the pocket watch be the watchmaker? Very well then, they will continue, Nature is nothing, it is God who is all. Another stupidity! There are necessarily two things in the universe: the creative agent and the being created; now, to identify this creative agent is the single task before us, the one question to which one has got to provide a reply.

If matter acts, is moved by combinations unknown to us, if movement is inherent in Nature; if, in short, she alone, by reason of her energy, is able to create, produce, preserve, maintain, hold in equilibrium within the immense plains of space all the spheres that stand before our gaze and whose uniform march, unvarying, fills us with awe and admiration, what then becomes of the need to seek out a foreign agent, since this active faculty essentially is to be found in Nature herself, who is naught else than matter in action? Do you suppose your deific chimera will shed light upon anything? I defy anyone to prove him to me. It being supposed that I am mistaken upon matter's internal faculties, I have before me, at least, nothing worse than a difficulty. What do you do for me when you offer your God to me? Nothing but offering one more god. And how would you have me acknowledge as cause of what I do not understand, something that I understand even less? Will it be by means of the Christian religion that I shall examine... that I shall obtain a view of your appalling God? Then let us cast a glance upon the God Christianity propounds...

What do I see in the God of that infamous sect if not an inconsistent and barbarous being, today the creator of a world of destruction he repents of tomorrow; what do I see there but a frail being forever unable to bring man to heel and force him to bend a knee. This creature, although emanated from him, dominates him, knows how to offend him and thereby merit torments eternally! What a weak fellow, this God! How able he was to mold all that we know and to fail to form man in his own guise! Whereunto you will answer, that had man been created so, man would have been little deserving of his author; what a platitude this is! and what necessity is there that man be deserving of his God? Had man been formed wholly good, man should never have been able to do evil, and only then would the work be worthy of a god. To allow man to choose was to tempt him; and God's infinite powers very well advised him of what would be the result. Immediately the being was created, it was hence to pleasure that God doomed the creature he had himself formed. A horrible God, this God of yours, a monster! Is there a criminal more worthy of our hatred and our implacable vengeance than he! However, little content with a task so sublimely executed, he drowns man to convert him; he burns him; he curses him.

Nothing in all that alters man one jot. More powerful than this villainous God, a being still in possession of his power, forever able to brave his author, the Devil by his seductions incessantly succeeds in leading astray the flock that the Eternal reserved unto himself. Nothing can vanquish the hold this demon's energy has upon us. But picture, in your own terms, the frightful God you preach: he has but one son; an only son, begot of some passing strange commerce; for, as man doth fuck, so he hath willed that his Lord fucketh too; and the Lord didst detach and send down out of Heaven this respectable part of himself. One perhaps imagines that it is upon celestial rays, in the midst of an angelic cortege, within sight of all the universe this sublime creature is going to appear... not at all; 'tis upon a Jewish whore's breast, 'tis in a proper pigsty that there is announced the God who has come to save the earth! Behold the worthy extraction accorded this personage! But his mission is honorable—will he disabuse us? Let us have a close look at him for an instant. What does he say? What is it he does? What is his sublime mission? What mystery is he about to reveal? What is the dogma he is going to prescribe for us? What will be the act wherein at last his grandeur will shine?

I see, first of all, an obscure childhood, a few doubtless very libertine services this smutty fellow renders the priests at the Temple of Jerusalem; next, a fifteen years' disappearance during which the scoundrel goes to poison himself with all the reveries of the Egyptian school, which at length he fetches back to Judea. Scarcely does he reappear when his raving begins: he says he is the son of God, his father's peer; to this alliance he joins another phantom he calls the Holy Ghost, and these three persons, he swears, must be but one! The more this preposterous mystery amazes the reason, the more the low fellow declares there is merit in swallowing it... and danger in refusing it. It is to save us one and all, the imbecile argues, that he has assumed a fleshly shape, although he is God, mortally incarnate in the breast of a child of man; and the glittering wonders one is about to see him perform will speedily convince all the world of it. During a ribald supper, indeed, the cheat transforms, so they say, water into wine; in a desert he feeds a few bandits upon the victuals previously hidden there by his devoted confederates; one of his cronies plays dead, our impostor restores him to life again; he betakes himself to a mountain and there, before two or three of his friends only, he brings off a jugglery that would cause the worst among our contemporary mountebanks to redden with shame.

Roundly damning, moreover, all those who do not accredit him, the scoundrel promises the heavens to whatever fools will listen. He writes nothing, for he is ignorant; talks very little, for he is stupid; does even less, for he is weak; and, finally, completely exhausting the patience of the magistrates with his seditious outbursts, the charlatan has himself fixed to the cross after having assured the rogues who follow him that, every time they invoke him, he will descend to them to get himself eaten. He is put to torture, he puts up with it. Monsieur his Papa, that sublime God whence he dares affirm he descends, succors him not in the least, and there you have him, this scoundrel, used like the last of the outlaws of whom he was such a fitting chief. His henchmen assemble: "It's all up with us," they say, "and all our hopes are perished lest we save ourselves with a quick piece of cunning. We'll besot the guard set to watch over Jesus; then make off with his body, bruit it abroad he is risen: the trick's sure; if we manage to get this knavery believed, our new religion's founded, propagated; it'll seduce all the world... To work!" The blow is struck, it succeeds. In how many blackguards has not boldness occupied the place of merit! The corpse is filched, fools, women, children bawl out "Miracle!" at the top of their lungs; nevertheless, in this city where such great prodigies have just been wrought, in this city stained with a God's blood, no one cares to believe in this God; not a single conversion is operated there. Better yet: so little worthy of transmission is the event that no historian alludes to it. Only this impostor's disciples think they have something to gain from the fraud; but not at the hour.

This detail is crucial; let's note it well. They permit several years to pass before exploiting their artifice; at length, they erect upon it the shaky edifice of their unwholesome doctrine. Men are pleased by any novelty. Weary of the emperors' despotism, the world agrees to the need for a revolution. These cheats are heard, they make a very rapid progress; 'tis the story of every error. Soon the altars of Venus and Mars are changed to those of Jesus and Mary; the life of the impostor is published, the insipid fiction finds its dupes; he is represented as having said a hundred things which never came into his head; some few of his own drivelings instantly become the basis of his morality, and as this romance is preached to the poor, charity becomes its foremost virtue. Weird rites are instituted under the name of sacraments; the most offensive and the most abominable of them all is the one whereby a priest, covered with crimes, has, notwithstanding, thanks to a few magical words, the power to bring God back in a morsel of bread. Let there be no mistake: at its very birth, this shameful cult might have been utterly destroyed had one but employed against it those weapons of the contempt it deserved; but men took it into their heads to employ persecution; the cult throve; 'twas inevitable.

Even today were one to cover it with ridicule, it would fall. The adroit Voltaire never used any other arm, and among all writers he is the one who may congratulate himself upon having the greatest number of proselytes. Such, in a few words, Eugénie, is the history of God and of religion; consider the treatment these fables deserve, and adopt a determined attitude toward them.

See Also

Epithets

People

  • [2] some adventist fundie who says armeggedon and the rapture is this year

External Links



Christian
is part of a series on
Christianity
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Blessed by God
Beliefs, Events, Traditions and Other Drama
Pissing Off the Almighty
Heathens


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Internet Diseases and Disorders: Internet disease (see also Internet Disease Chart) • Internet troll personality disorderThe Cancer That Is Killing /b/The GRIDS that is killing ED
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Christian is part of a series on Cults
UFO Cults: ScientologyGalactic Federation of LightHeaven's GateRaelians
New-age Faggotry:

WiccaThe DolmenMooniesPaganismBlack AlchemyFagnosticismPrem RawatVoluntary Human Extinction MovementThothRon Paul

Raep cults: SatanismManson FamilyMasonsAl Qaeda
Jesus Cults: Ex-GayWestboro Baptist ChurchMormonismBranch DavidiansPeople's TempleChick Tracts
Wannabe Cults: SephyismSonic CulTVampiresGothsFurriesMulderiteWooksBroniesLibertarians
Stupid Cults: ScientologyBreatharianMichelle Belanger/House Kheperu
Troll Cults: AnonymousCult of the Dead CowRaptor JesusJohn SolomonChurch of the SubGenius
Web 2.0 Cults: Atheist Scum UnitedRational Response SquadWikipediaYoung Tubers United
Featured article May 2, 2006
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