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Chav

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ALPHA CHAV

A chav is a kind of wanker that is rapidly becoming the new dickhead stereotype for the true English fucker, overthrowing the previous bowler-and-brolly archetype we all secretly wish were true. Chavs are typically inbred and known to swagger in large packs of similarly acne-ridden retards around the suburbs of England, attacking literally anyone for petty reasons (looking at them 'funny', etc) , but actually shitting themselves if ever challenged on their own. These people can ruin anything and everything as they are a type of "Hick" from the infamous White Trash series. They are typically around the ages of 12 to 30, (have babies as early as 12) tend to be of short and scrawny build though fat chav's, particularly females, are not uncommon, despite (or due to depending on body type) subsisting entirely on ready meals, junk food, cheap alcoholic beverages and energy drinks and are dressed entirely in imitation Adidas tracksuits, mock gold jewellery and cheap cologne which stinks of cat piss. They are a complete plague and can be found lurking around literally any park, fast food outlet or off license, usually chain smoking, drinking or abusing civilians. Unfortunately, due to the promiscuous nature of the chav, they are becoming increasingly common and are even beginning to be seen as an epidemic in Britain. All chavs are hideous, extremely stupid, frequently acne ridden even in their 20s and completely amoral.

NOTE: Do NOT just randomly throw the word "Chav" at any old Brit you see in America as it is a major troll word and can seriously result in Pwnage. British people consider these people the worst people whom ever lived.

Wanna buy some Es? - CHAV HARD AT WORK

Somewhere between vermin and parasites, a chav earns its living by signing up for the social (British unemployment benefits), stealing things from its local supermarket, or (more commonly) combining the two. A few of the moar enterprising chavs eke out a living selling low-grade cannabis and heavily adulterated amphetamines to school children.

Note that while Chavs are essentially wiggers, they hate it if anyone calls them that. Their wiggotry is quite apparent in the way they walk: legs as wide apart as Dorian Thorn's, arms out like coathangers after the typical chav training regimen of holding niggers under the armpits.

Contents

Etymology

The word "chav" is widely believed to stand for "council housed and violent" due to their lack of funds and aggressive nature, or possibly "Chalton average". It might also come from charivari. Other variations of the word "chav" include "charver" and "fucknugget" or "scratter", terms that may well have been introduced by mice fornicating in Burberry hats, given their Liverpudlian origin they come from Kent you fucking retard, don't get chavs confused with Scousers. They come from Essex, you hillbilly fuck. Scottish people fondly refer to their equivalents as "Neds", or non-educated delinquents. Calling this hypocritical is a major understatement.

Chavs OTI

A chav's profound attempt at ORLY

On the internets, chavs are most commonly found on Bebo, and all believe that tabloid newspapers are the world's ultimate form of truth. Trolling them can lead to massive lulz and makes them very butthurt - just see the An Heroes of Bridgend article for proof. Chavs make for some of the finest Internet tough guys. They all seem to feel the constant need to begin every word in every sentence with a capital letter (mainly because they are all retarded and don't actually know where the capital letter is supposed to go). Due to the fact that no chav pays/paid the slightest bit of attention in their English lessons (if they bothered to turn up at all), they like to spell words as they would be said, much like a human seven year old does. This, combined with their shitty butchered version of the spoken English language and copious use of txt spk, renders most text written/typed by a chav undecipherable.

Here's an example:

 
 
"&& ii Ad Sum Muki Gider && Sum Diddleys Lol. && Wen Ur Nxt Dwn Ull Av Too Tell Me && Ill Cum && Get Pisted Wiff Yaz. Reet Im Gnna Forget Evri Fing Dats Eva Append Between Us Two Yer! New Start Wiff Uz Nw Okaay Lol! Wb Lu xxxxx"
 

 

Translation:

 
 
"And I had some dirty alcohol and some ecstasy pills, hahahaha. And when you're next down you'll have to tell me and I'll come and get drunk with you. Right, I'm going to forget everything that's ever happened between us two, yeah? New start with us now, okay (laugh out loud)? Write back, love you xxxxx"
 

 

A complicated language indeed.

Also, notice the use of double "&"s and "i"s. Annoying, isn't it?

The reason why they do a c-c-c-combo breaker with the & symbol can be seen on the right.

Yes, Chavs are on facebook too *sigh*.

Note that:

  1. It's being quoted by a chavette
  2. She's easily butthurt
  3. She's interested in talentless twins who enjoy having buttsecks with each other
  4. She never gave a valid reason, she just said she just does

Appearance

001 Chavs.jpg

In general, "chav-style" is all about blatant and ostentatious display, rather in the manner of lower order animals displaying plumage. This is why chav and chavette alike will always attempt to cover themselves in anything with a 'label'. Showy jewelery is an absolute must.

Spotting one of these social blemishes is easy: look for a curry-stained shell-suit and Burberry cock-sock. Other chav "rude boiz" identify themselves by tucking their trademark tracksuit-bottoms into the huge football socks they wear. All chavs wear a permanent frown because frowning makes you look "hard". Recently they have begun to devolve even further, deliberately scarring themselves underneath either eye or anywhere else on the face, but it's hard to work out if that makes them hard or just emo would-bes.

Chavs, without exception, smoke cigarettes from the age of seven, due to a chronic inability to withstand peer pressure. This age also coincides with the first time most Chav females bear a child for the extra social payments and free council housing. As an interesting anthropological note, it has been observed by many that the smaller a chav's head, the more he looks like he wants to rip your balls off.

No matter what stage of Chav-olution they may/may not have fallen to, they are all distinguished by their trademark walk/swagger. Two sub-types of walk have been identified;

  • The first is the 'overt' walk, where the chav sticks out it's chest and holds it's upper arms out at around a 45 degree angle towards the ground with the arms below the elbow being allowed to move freely, with this in place the chav will walk and move its upper torso in the way a human sub consciously does for better balance while walking, but in an over emphasised and aggressive fashion. This swagger is used to make up for the often pathetically small demeanour of most chavs and is a standard animal kingdom message of ‘come and have a go if you think you’re hard enough’.
  • The second sub-type of walk is the ‘covert’, where the chav cloths itself in a, usually grey or black, hooded top and baseball cap, it then sticks its hands into the front pockets of said hooded top and looks at the ground making sure to pull its baseball cap down also, as the chav is walking it will move its lower torso and hips in the same fashion as a chav moves its upper torso in the first sub-type of walk. This walk is employed while the chav is shoplifting, dealing drugs and otherwise while they are out causing crime and wrongdoing.
I know you're fapping to this

The display of one's genitalia is a mandatory practice in the appearance of a chav. It is to send the message: However deceptive my high pitched, nasally, whiney, annoying-as-fuck voice and general lack of facial hair is, I am still male. Don't believe me? Take a gander at my package.

Often it is necessary to hold onto the genitalia to ensure it does not go anywhere. It is common for chavs to stand with both hands down the front of their tracksuit pants whilst talking to friends, police and social workers.

Jordan here is a proper charva. Note the orange face.

Female chavs wear excessive quantities of cheap make-up. Without fail, beneath that plasterwork lies a patchwork of acne and knife wounds borne upon the orange, irradiated glow of a fake tan worshipper.

Despite their simple nature, chavs do have a hierarchy. When they've sold enough stolen goods and drugs to pre-teens, they will spend their cash on shitty jewelry from Argos — commonly referred to as "Elizabeth Duke" in an effort to make it appear more expensive than it is — mainly to protect their knuckles from chafing as they drag them along the ground. The more gilded-plastic sovereign rings and chains a chav wears, the higher he/she is placed in said hierarchy. It is rumored that the chief of all chavs, though never seen, wears double his weight in cheap jewelery. Chavs are slavishly subservient to those higher up the jewelery-tree than them. Other factors affecting a chavs place in the hierarchy are based on the size of a chav's criminal record, the number of anti-social behaviour orders (ASBOs for short) he/she/it has accrued, how big a mustache the little rat bastard can grow, or how much "snout" he can stash up his ass (like any self-respecting /b/tard, a chav never knows when the peelers might come knocking).

It is often easy to spot a chav by name only due to their unique naming conventions, which includes naming their crotch droppings after things they like. Examples of this include Nokia, Burberry, Toyota, T-Mobile, JJB Sports, Citroen Saxo and White Lightning. Failing this, a chav may give their spawn an American nigra name such as Rohondra, Keiisha, Ty Ron or Fifi Lapussi. Unlike the wigger this is not because of an appreciation of nigra culture but is mainly because they heard it in Kanye West's song during Tim Westwood's power hour.

Attitude

A typical chav slag on a one way ticket to rape.
 
 
'Ere, one a-yous gonna borrow us a tab?
 

 

—Chavs appreciate your charity.

Incapable of sensitivity or remorse, chavs have no respect for anyone or anything other than England's football loser and fellow shaven ape Wayne Rooney, who would have made a better Rugby player anyway. Between getting drunk or high and collecting their dole money, they patrol their shit-hole estates in gangs making them even more unliveable by engaging in vandalism, theft and looking for lone folk half their age to assault and rob. Just as with any pack hunting animal, however, caught on their own their cowardess can be easily exposed as they will become too scared to speak or make eye contact and instead will mutter under their breath and stare at the ground like an asspie.

A rabid pack of Chavs.

Chavs have a massive sense of entitlement and constantly think that the world owes them a favour. Chavs also firmly believe that it is not their wilfully lazy and anti-social attitude, frequent intoxication, fondness for committing crime or the fact that they spend/spent their school time bunking off or being disruptive and retarded during lessons that is at fault for their poor socio-economic situation. But rather that it is due to the government not giving them enough free shit and because the council hasn’t splashed out tonnes of tax payer money on some ‘youth centre’ (that they would inevitably steal from, vandalise and eventually burn down anyway). This sense of entitlement also extends into general public life, with chav's commonly requesting money, alcohol, cigarettes or any multitude of goods or services from acquaintances, strangers and groups to which they have contributed nothing but from which they will still shamelessly request a favour from.

As a result some chavs are angry about how they are being 'kept down' and oppressed by society, the police and the man in general when they just want to spend their benefits on alcohol, cigarettes and drugs as well as intimidating, assaulting, burgling or robbing innocent people and vandalising public and private property free of police oppression or social condemnation. One chav uprising of note was the UK lootfest of 2011.

Most Chavs seem to keep this attitude until some point in their late twenties or early thirties, which marks the first major fork of their lives. Either they start some what pulling their weight by finally getting jobs as cleaners, warehouse workers or other unskilled labourers, leaving violence for inebriated weekends and football matches, or, end up in prison, where they learn which end of a knife is sharp and realizing that this is as good as it gets. Thankfully, due to the economic downturn chavs are turning rapidly into the homeless, and so are dying of starvation, natural selection ftw.

Much like dogs, they have a terrible attitude towards any outsiders, such as the "moshers", "sk8er bois", emo kids and anyone else not wearing half-mast tracksuit bottoms and a faded baseball cap. Do not let the whiny nasal voice fool you: if you're not a chav, be prepared for some IRL serious business. However, if a chav is alone or the number of their group of apes is lower than yours, they will shit bricks and in all likelihood run to the safety of their local McDonald's. If you find a chav alone, you know what to do.

Fighting

Watching someone get beaten with a brick is FUCKING hilarious.

Chavs are often known for having pussy scraps in a little kids playground or a big large field. After feeding the toddlers dog shit and raping the whole family in the house next door, these 12 year old cunts like to come out to the big field and have a scrap, record it on mobile phones and post it to the JewTubez. Look at this stupid cunt Ryan Davison. He's 13 years old, getting very old to be a chav, innit?


An example of a typical chav displaying his communication and fighting abilities.

After reading this far, it should no longer be a mystery as to why chavs are the most universally hated group of faggots in Western Europe.

Language

Ron the chav.

Chavs utilise a very primitive form of verbal communication which can only be described as "Butchered English", this communication arises from a combination of their fat slag Mothers and absent Fathers from using TV and other electronic entertainment as surrogate parents/babysitters, never going to or listening at school and general extreme retardation.

This language, while being extremely annoying and sometimes difficult to translate by non-chavs, will ensure that a chav remains unemployable in pretty much all occupations and will not ascend into any social circle beyond their fellow chavs (though when considered alongside their laziness, bad attitude and non-existent academic or voluntary achievements, their shitty retarded speech is probably the least of their problems).

GREETINGS

  1. Wa g'wan - "What is going on?", mostly used to mean "Hello, how are you?"
  2. Wussup ma homie? - "What is happening at the moment, my fellow compatriot?"
  3. Bo - Also used to draw attention.
  4. 'Ow son! - "How do you do my friend?"
  5. Ooo! 'Ere - "Hello there, could I have your attention please?"
  6. 'ere mate - "I am about to commence sponging/start a fight for no reason."
  7. Orite kidda!? - "Greetings my friend, how are you? Are you currently in a state of physical, social and mental well-being?"

QUERIES/REQUESTS

  1. Startin? - "Would you be suggesting that we engage in a physical confrontation of a violent nature?"
  2. You wot m8? - "I am confused by what you have just said, dear sir, but I believe it to be vaguely confrontational. I must ask for clarification if our conversation is to continue."
  3. The fuck you look'n at? "I would like to instigate a fight."
  4. Fuck you on about? "I'm afraid you may have sourced your information incorrectly."
  5. Are you 'avin a giggle, m8? "I find that your claim strains credulity."
  6. Yer gorra light? - "May I please borrow (steal) a cigarette lighter?"
  7. Yer got twenny pee, mate? - "Do you happen to have twenty pence Sterling on your person that I could borrow?"
  8. Set Me - May I inquire as to [one of] your [possessions]? Example, 'Set me a fag, bruv'.
  9. GEE/GIZ UZ YER PHONE - "Hand over your mobile communications device, or face a bit of rough and tumble."
  10. You wha'?- "Pardon me? I was unable to comprehend your elucidation."
  11. Twos on tha' - "I desire the latter half of your cigarette."
  12. Do a Nash/Do one - To make an prompt exit, usually on the rare occasion that outnumbering the foe 10 to 1 is not enough to win a fight.
  13. Gis a swig o' tha! - "Would you mind giving me a sip/portion of your beverage?"
  14. I'll crash you back m8 - "I owe you a favour or will reimburse you for lending me money, cigerettes, alcohol, drugs, etc (something which they have absolutly no intension of doing).

EXCLAMATIONS

  1. amazin- The only word a chav is linguistically capable of using to describe an object or person. The first sign of a lack of vocabulary.
  2. Brap/Prap - Sometimes said many times in quick succesion and/or while forming their index and middle finger on their hand to look like a handgun barrel and pointing their tumb outwards to look like a cocking hammer on a handgun. Used to (poorly) represent the sound of a gun shot and sometimes used to make a tacit threat/statement that they could get or have got a real gun cos they've got 'connections'. However this is almost certainly a lie unless they are involved in gangs or the drug trade situated in the worst shit hole parts of London, Birmingham, Manchester, Liverpool or similer major British city.
  3. Yezzir - "Yes, sir", imitated by Chavs upon hearing famous Nigra "Pharrell Williams" say the word himself in a few songs.
  4. Wickiiid - "I derive much enjoyment from that particular occurrence".
  5. Fuuuckinn' 'ell! - Usually said in a state of awe and/or when completely befuddled by a recent occurence.
  6. Bangin' choon! - "I find that melody rather entertaining and I am completely captivated by its composition." This would normally be said whilst simultaneously bobbing the head up and down and waggling a finger in accordance with said melody in the most retarded of fashions.
  7. Mint - "Wonderful!"
  8. Shockin - "I'm afraid I must disagree with your claim"
  9. Ee's takin' the piss - He has not yielded to us immediately, handed over his cash and cards, admitted all fault for the incident and apologized for the inconvenience! The audacity! The temerity!
  10. Ya bellend - "I find your nature disagreeable."
  11. Torture - Used to describe an inconvenient yet pressing task. eg: "I had to get up at 11 to sign on this mornin' it was pure torture!"

ACTIVITIES

  1. Moshy bashin - finding and starting a fait/fight with a "mosher innit".
  2. Missions - Traveling, usually walking, a great distance.
  3. 'Aving a Chew - Undertaking an arduous task, such as writing your name.
  4. Goin' on a burg/On the rob' - I am soon to be participating on a burglary.

THE AFFIRMATIVE

  1. yeah m8 - An automatic response received after insulting a chav (often followed by a punch to your face).
  2. Blatantly - The strongest word a chav has in its arsenal. If you're blatantly startin' with him, you should probably flee. A chav will not resort to a three-syllable word except at the utmost end of need.
  3. Innit? - "Isn't it just?"
  4. Ennit? - See 'innit?'
  5. Is it? - The new 'innit?'.
  6. Proper/Pure - Used as the adjective in most sentences, declaring that something is good. "Lad lad lad, dat's a proper cat there, lad." (see below for "Lad")
  7. Orrrr M8 - "I am most impressed with this information." This may also be heard before being harassed for a cigarette, and then being questioned as to why you don't have any/won't give them one.
  8. Sound - "I find that agreeable."

THE NEGATIVE

  1. You're a waste, m8 - "I believe that you are of low worth or inferior stature". Unless said to a fellow chav, it hardly needs to be said of what a hilarious and woefully inaccurate statement this is.
  2. Murk - The act of beating up, stabbing or shooting someone. Note that the former will usually only be attempted against a solitary victim while accompanied by at least two other chavs because they are fucking cowards and the two latter if they are sure that their victim is unarmed which, with this being Britain, they always will be.
  3. Norr m8 - "No my friend, I disagree." Usually said when the chav can't sustain an argument. (The equivalent of NO U)

Jake: Why don't you stop acting so hard you fucking chav? You're an absolute pussy.

Chav: Norr m8

A typical Chav confronting somebody on Facebook.
Chav courtship.

SOCIALISING

  1. Bruv - An abbreviation of "brother". They seem to be capable of calling anyone their brother. If they use this term too much it opens up the gate of being able to troll them by saying "you're all brothers? Your mom must have been a real slag to have had all of you"
  2. Blud - "Blood", announced in recognition as a follower of theirs being a so-called brother.
  3. Blut-blut - Also used to draw attention to oneself. Chavs crave the stuff.
  4. Bare - "Many", "A lot of", "Big", "an abundance of", "copious".
  5. Dirt - A cigarette.
  6. Ends - Place of residence.
  7. Mate - Catch-all moniker for victims or fellow scum.
  8. Laa - Short for "lad". Usually added to the end of somebody's name as a greeting. Eg. Nathan Laa! or Matty Laa!.
  9. Like - Pause filler, used to, like, stall for time while, like, preparations are, like, made to attempt vocalisation of, like, the next word. Like.
  10. Bird - Simply the chav word for a Girl.

Music

For the discerning Chav.

Chav music is a delicate blend of monotonous bass and rudimentary keyboard synths artfully combined by unemployed Eminem wannabes while under the influence of poppers and vodka. The music is usually sold by a skinny pikey in a van who sells it to other chavs. This music is played inside of their Vauxhall Novas and Citron Saxos with shit modifications at such high volume the whole car starts to shake, on their mobile phones, without headphones, on public transport annoying the fuck out of everyone else on board and are increasingly being heard in bars and clubs in English cities, and is "never loud enough" until the exterior masonry begins to vibrate.

Have a look at this stunning piece of work below. Most (or maybe all?) chavs believe they can mask the shitty phone recorder quality and retardation with equally shite music. Watch as these chimplike abominations jump into bushes and flip off buildings again and again, because, you know, that's what you really want to spend your time doing.



In order to appreciate the genius of the genre, fill your two-door hatchback with at least three inebriated lolis in the back and as many faggots as you can fit in the space between the passenger seat and the handbrake. Adjust your seat to be as far back and as low to the floor as possible, then relax in style as your faggot friends hang out of the window whistling at schoolgirls, safe in the comfort that YOU LOOK PROPER MINT.

Chavs also thoroughly enjoy dancing:

I seriously wish he would drop dead on the spot. Chav cull anyone?

The Chav Song

Chavs Abroad

The trend is also growing rapidly in Australia since getting drunk and fucked up every week is considered normal and part of the Australian Way of Life. At one point, the common currency was rum and Australia's only military coup was the Rum Rebellion of 1808.

Still, it's a fact that they are not sober most of the time, as a result, it's likely that you will be reciving a call from someone at 2 in the morning (NOT IN HIS TIME-ZONE, HAHA) offering you Pringles if you'd exchange phone numbers with him.

In Australia, there's a clothing chain called Billabong which supplies the gangsta wannabes with all sorts of gear. Sad fact is those things are nowhere near anything, and only serve to make the wearer look like a wanker. But the schoolkids just fall in love with those psuedo-chav outfits, the dumb bastards. Now Billabong is popular in America, but we've already got wiggers and bros, so it just blends right in.

Outside of Australia and Britain, the biggest population centre for chavs is their favourite holiday centre, Ibiza. Every year hundreds of chavs flock to the island to partake of the endless supply of drugs, booze and slags.

Famous Chavs

Devvo

Devvo - WOT YOUN'S LOOKIN' AT, DICK'EAD?
Buzzcocks, a Devvo ripoff

Devvo is an Internet mockumentary made by Fat-Pie.com. It follows a young chap named Darren Devonshire (or Devvo for short) living his everyday life in Doncaster. The scariest (and possibly lulziest) part of this series is that upon first viewing, almost every person that has seen it has mistakenly thought it to be genuine.

Rejoice.

Michael Carroll

Yes, Carroll really does look like this much of a cunt.

Much to the dismay of the entire British population, Michael Carroll is not a spoof character. The forces of nature decided to play a disgusting trick on humanity by allowing Michael to win The National Lotto. This made him the first Chav to ever have money, and therefore creating a paradox.

Since winning £9.7million in November 2002 he has appeared in court over 30 times, he spent the entirety of his winnings on banger racing, prozzies, fine china and been imprisoned for assault. More proof that Chavs and money are not destined to be with each other.

The only thing more disgraceful than Michael Carroll himself is the fact that the English media have made documentaries about him and even a film about his life has been discussed. At least the council of his hometown Swaffham were awesome enough to pwn him by refusing when he offered to pay for their Christmas decorations.

Carroll has claimed to be the "King Of Chavs", which of course means he rules high above all the other pre-pubescent wasters of his kind.

Living within the chav community has ment that Carroll has become vunerable to the predatory nature of many chavs (i.e. asking for something for free to which they have contributed nothing, and, in the case of being refused, resorting to violence to get it). Their requests for cash and threats of violence have ment Carroll inlisted, for a short while, the help of Northern Ireland Ulster Defence Association (UDA) loyalist terrorist and all round shithead Johnny "Mad Dog" Adair for protection in return for financing and endorceing his terrorist group. When little Carroll realised who he was getting himself involved with however he felt it would be better to take on the teenage chavs armed with potato peelers demanding cash himself, rather than being subject to requests for cash from hardened murderers who have handguns, AK-47's and grenades and so quickly broke off the relationship.

Currently, Mr. Carroll is dirt poor once again after blowing all his money on the standard Chav bullshit. Carroll has returned to his previous vocation of 'Bin Man', claiming that he is happier without his vast sums of money due to the trouble that comes with it. Which is a load of shit really, as anyone with a brain has enough willpower to resist buying yet another Quadbike or brick of heroin.

Vicky Pollard

Vicky with her modestly-sized Chav family.

A character from the comedy sketch show Little Britain, Vicky encompasses everything that everybody hates about Chavs, but turns it into lulz. To make matters worse, anyone who's ever been unfortunate enough to find themselves in any British city center will be surprised at the accuracy with which this character is portrayed.









Little Britan USA: Vicky Pollard at a boot camp.


Your Mum

If ever you have the nerve to tell a chav what he is, he will without doubt point out that your mother is also a chav and that he surprise-sexed her repeatedly.


Chav Relationships

AREN'T THEY CUTE!!11!!1?

It's also common knowledge that when a chavette reaches 12 and when a chav reaches 14 they'll suddenly find the need to fuck anything with a pulse (including close family members). Unfortunately for humanity, chavs always mate with each other without protection and usually whilst fucked up on WKD or dirty resin.

Due to a severe lack of adequate parenting-skills you'll often witness 12 year old chavettes with mini-skirts the length of your penis made up to the point of being more orange than the sun... although that probably turns you on doesn't it, you sick fuck.

These traits in a female chav are what attracts the male chav, who can be most likely spotted next to the nearest 'Bargain Booze' while his hands are where they shouldn't be, verbally assaulting any passerby who doesn't wear those shitty Adidas tracksuits.

WARNING: If you ever find yourself falling in love with a chav, please An Hero immediately.

TL;DR

Poor English wiggers.

Gallery

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