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Cat

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Cat: n. A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle. -Ambrose Bierce

Cats are furry ornaments owned by people who fuck up in life and will die alone. They serve as child-substitutes for lonely fags and dykes, many of which like to photograph their cats and post the pictures in whatever social networking site they drain their life at. Most internet users find it easy to relate to cats (as both are lazy, antisocial, egocentric, never-satisfied cynics that overreact to everything), which is why cats have become the official animal of the internet.

Contents

Hazards

Until recently, it was believed to be bad luck if a black cat crossed your path; however, recent research has consistently shown that it is only bad luck if a black man crosses your path, as cats are completely useless.

Because their claws and teeth are just for show, cats' main weapon of attack is their anus, which looks like an asterisk. Pointing it at their target will cause most people to weird out; most, not all. Once they turn away, the cat will be free to further his diabolical deeds, the greatest of which are eating unwatched leftovers and causing irreversible damage to furniture. Recently, their tactics have evolved to include getting people arrested by downloading thousands of kiddie porn pics onto their hard drives and eating their owners.

Keep out of reach of children
Montecore (center) took umbrage at two German buttbuddies' making flamboyant coats from his Schwester
Tatiana: Her penchant for SOUSAge was to be her ruin

"Killing" Cats for Fun and Profit

Insert at your nearest river

As city_glitter has proven to us, cats are not entirely useless. You can pretend to people you know on LiveJournal that your cat has been set on fire and ask them to donate money to your PayPal to pay the vet's bill, even when this isn't true. This is a good idea because it raises money, creates internet drama, and as long as you claim later it's all a social experiment, it's okay. Note: There are a variety of options for raising money on LiveJournal by saying your pussy is on fire.

But sometimes, simply pretending to kill cats is not enough. Kitty gore can be found on any Caturday thread on 4chan, and moralfaggotry and rage typically follow. An especially effective tactic is to videotape the act and upload the video to the Internet. Among the people who have utilized this method to great effect are Kenny Glenn, Luka Magnotta, and Zippocat.

Excerpts From a Cat's Diary

MurderKitten.png

The following journal was recovered from a safehouse in the Republic of Catagonia (formerly Topeka, KS, following a brief clash with occupying rebel forces on the fourth of May, 2038. The information contained herein is to be used strictly as (fictional) satire, written by an overweight, micropenile weeaboo, deep in the hazy convulsions of a permanent jenkem diet.

Day 752: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

Day 761: Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their pillow.

Day 765: Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

Day 768: I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

Day 771: There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

Day 774: I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured, alas. But... HAH! it is only a matter of time...

Galleries

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Costumes

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General

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Drawings, Art, Comics & Cartoons

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Disgusting & Disturbing

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Memes

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Cat Videos

General

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Watermelon Noms

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See Also

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External Links


Cat
is part of a series on
Internet Cats

A Cat Is Fine TooArguecatBasement CatBikecatBincatBinkersBonsai KittenBukkake MilkBurgerBusiness CatCat in MicrowaveCat on a keyboard in spaceCatnarokCeiling CatChase 'No Face'CovercatDangerous KittenDeath CatDodge CatDrillcatEmo CatFishing CatFrinkleGarfieldGrumpy CatHappycatHipster KittyIf it fits I sitsInception CatJarcatJewcatKeyboard CatKitlerLasercatLenincatLimecatLongcatMaruNyan CatOctocatOrvillecopterPeterSerious CatShironekoShocked and Appalled CatShortcatShotacatSilencer CatSpaghetti CatSpeedycatStanding CatStarecatStalking CatStubbs the mayorcatTacgnolThat Fucking CatTrollcatsTubcatTulipWeathercatZippocat

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Cat
is part of a series on
Bad things that happen to animals NEDM1.jpg
Basic Concepts
Victims

BadgersBatsBearsBeesBirdsBunniesCatsChihuahuasChickensCowsCrabsDinosaursDogsDucksFishFoxesFrogsGiant IsopodsOctopusesPandasParakeetsPenguinsPigsRatsSharksSheepSnakesSpidersTurtlesWalruseWolves


Featured article October 24, 2006
Preceded by
Jake Brahm
Cat Succeeded by
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Featured article August 7, 2009
Preceded by
The Real Chris Chan‎
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Bug Chasers‎
Featured article September 8 & 9, 2012
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Kloeri
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JEWS DID WTC
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