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The era of the bathroom wall is over.
What? This article needs moar real life examples in the popular topics-section.
You can help by adding moar real life examples in the popular topics-section.

Blog or weblog is the distinct sound one's brain makes when it farts. It is a website maintained by an individual, clique or organization for the purpose of posting (amateurish) articles about a(n) (un)specific subject. Many weblogs allow visitors to leave public comments, which can lead to a community of typically fat, flamboyant readers centered around the blog, while others lurk moar. The totality of weblogs or blog-related websites is usually dubbed the blogosphere, making it easy to roll off a cliff as opposed to a blogocube in accordance with the time cube-theory. Blogs are known to be the things which have deposed the once great Internets by giving every idiot a megaphone and should be considered the enemy of all with a true heart. Some say blogs will replace magazines and newspapers. They also believe chairs soon will be replaced by butt plugs.


Contents

Success

Here are the necessary ingredients for a a successful blog.

  • Nothing Make your blog as barren as possible. Then quit while you are ahead.
  • Everything and nothing Write about a broad topic such as Apple and never narrow it down. This will make sure you don't know what the fuck you are talking about, so everything becomes ideological- or fan wank. When writing a personal blog mention everything you like, because whole mankind has exactly the same taste as you.
  • Uninspired information Don't become a sellout by telling a story or in another regard try to please the reader. Instead, each time you think "Hey look at this random thing I for a total arbitrary reason find interesting", add it to the blog.
  • Unupdated information Make sure you never update regularly.
  • Uncopyedited information Don't think about what makes literature good – Instead just scribble all you have to say down and call it a day.

Types

  • Microblog (brief text or low-fi picture + weblog) Exactly what the name suggests. Almost everyone microblogs with the help of Twitter or Instagram. These are internally linked microblogging services which are made to make it easier to stalk and cyber bully celebrities.
  • Vlog - (video + weblog) a weblog consisting of videos of a fat idiot responding to some faggot (see YouTube).
  • Photoblog - (photograph + weblog) a weblog primarily consisting of photographs (see Jameth and camwhore).
  • Imageblog - (image + weblog) a weblog showing images, especially ones the author found somewhere on the internet (see Spaceghetto).
  • Moblog - (mobile + weblog) a weblog updated from a mobile device. This is now an obsolete term because everyone uses Twitter or Instagram. It also a gay term because no one ever used it.

Popular Topics

Flow chart in case you are planning to start a blog.

"Blogs," as weblogs are more commonly known, come in variety of flavors.

  • Politics
    • Author Profile: Intense, angry, probably a virgin
    • Typical Talking Point: The government sucks!!!
    • Representative Public Reply: OMG!!! Noes u suck!
  • Celebrity
    • Author Profile: Fat, horny, obsessed
    • Typical Talking Point: I want to suck Brad!!!
    • Representative Public Reply: OMG!!! He's gay!
  • Literature and The Arts
    • Author Profile: Neurotic, irritated by spelling errors, married to sock puppet
    • Typical Talking Point: How low has sunk our once lofty level of discourse.
    • Representative Public Reply: OMG!!! You're gay!
  • Philosophy and Theology
    • Author Profile: Loud, dogmatic, product of incestuous parents
    • Typical Talking Point: Does a spiritual hammer of righteousness always trump a cosmic shield of purity or does that only apply to dwarves?
    • Representative Public Reply: OMG!!! You're too lame to be gay!
  • Journal i.e. Blather Log
    • Author Profile: Likes mirrors, masturbates so often is becoming bored with it
    • Typical Talking Point: Blah blah blabbittyblahblah blah blah ME!
    • Representative Public Reply: OMG! I know what you mean!!! Once I blahblah blahbittyblah blah blah ME!
    • Note that journalists like LJ users sometimes react violently when others accuse them of keeping a diary. Blogs clearly are nowhere near as interesting as someone's diary, consisting of 50 memes and pictures of the author costumed in full furry regalia.

The Proper Way To Vlog

  • Don't. But if you must:
  • Remember to never rehearse for your cam whore vlog. After all, this is the real you that they want to see, not some rehearsed, well-delivered speech.
  • So never edit even a single second out of your video. Your every "ummm" and "so... what else?" and "what was I talking about?", and long gaps of dead air are all crucial to the real message that is insight into the real you! Don't mess with perfection, babe.
  • Don't make direct eye contact with the camera for more than one second unless you are very angry. This gives the impression that you are "staring down" the audience and that makes them nervous.
  • Don't sit still. Show them your excitement by nervously fidgeting throughout the entire video.
  • Let's face it, no sane human being would look for random vlogs willingly, so be sure to load up the video description with as many keywords as possible. Example: "vlog, sad, depressed, school girl]] |Naruto incest blink-182 greengday Harry buttsecks Draco..." etc. etc.
  • When you are talking, end every sentence with an upward inflection in your tone, as if everything is a question?
  • If someone makes fun of you on YouTube, respond with a raging tantrum expressing all of your heartfelt disgust, anger, and resentment at this person. Just completely let loose, scream and use profanity, threaten to kill them, anything.
  • When people start laughing at that angry vlog, immediately take it down and replace it with a new version where you are calm and you pretend not to be bothered by the people who make fun of you.
  • Remember to gear your material toward the crowd that would be most attracted to you. If you are a somewhat attractive female, try doing sexy things on camera and you will attract desperate, horny guys, most of them registered sex offenders. If you are a fat chick, pretend you are a lesbian and you will soon have the entire community at your side. If you are a socially inept 16 year old girl with small breasts and pale skin, go for the furry or NeoPets community.
  • Lie, lie, lie! Let's get real here, you're fucking boring. You have to fabricate stories of terrible things happening to you and how you will "be strong" and "never give up". Tell them you have cancer, pretend to be crippled, tell them you have a gay, retarded, Jewish stepbrother named Mickey who has been disowned by his father and you're the only one who is there for him. Be creative.
  • If the people that made fun of you just become too much for you to handle, move to LiveVideo, but not after making your last vlog that tells everyone you are leaving because of LiveVideo's features and whatnot.
  • If all of the above fail to make an entertaining vlog, take a loaded shotgun, put it in your mouth, and become An Hero on your vlog. That always kills. In fact, just do this one first.


If All Else Fails, Make a good video about something interesting k bai thnx:


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Featured article October 7, 2005
Preceded by
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Weblog Succeeded by
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