From Encyclopedia Dramatica
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The Bible (Pronounced: "Bull-shit") is the most exciting piece of shit since Hitler, although far less realistic. If there's one reason to hate Jews, it's for writing the first (and most insane) half of this novel. It is an extremely long book filled with pages and pages of boring and meaningless text which is generally memorized by extreme fanboys Bush, John MacArthur and the Pope. It is
arguably the greatest book ever made and the coolest story ever told, but the Lord of the Rings is still better. It was written by God, ostensibly making him the first, prototypical troll. Sadly, however, stupidity has survived throughout time and many people still believe in the illogical shit spewed from page to page. As such, it may be the single greatest example of trolling, intentional or not, and perhaps the longest edit war that the world has ever seen.
Probably the oldest of old media, the Bible is a sprawling epic that spans thousands of years. It is part creation myth and part war story, as well as romance, adventure, drama, comedy, and completely irrelevant history. Although everyone knows corrupt Iranian Jews made most of the shit up to troll the Egyptian and Israeli Jews.
The book is divided into two parts, the Old Testament, and the Old Testament 2: Electric Boogaloo. Most scholars agree that the Old Testament is Ultra gay, while the New Testament is fan fiction, written because there was no proper sequel in sight.
One of the lulziest things about "The Bible" is that it is considered by the christfags to be the most sold book like evar. In reality it is the most printed book like evar. What's even funnier is the fact that despite being the most sold and the most printed it is by far the least read piece of human intellectual excrement like evar. This statement is easily proven by the fact that close to all the christfags wield it as an impregnable (read: "watertight") shield, whilst even a 5-year old that actually read that shit could have come up with over 9000 internal contradictions said "book" possesses. As books go "The Bible" is more akin to a neatly fastened collection of toilet paper than a book.
The Bible begins with the story of God creating the world which we now (sadly) live in. This took six whole fucking days, but on the seventh, he rested, probably because he was a contractor, working for Cthulhu and wanted to milk out more pay and/or to smoke pot. After creating the world, God decided to create man, but this task took quite a while of trial-and-error, his first mistake being the creation of Jews. God originally picked out the name Joshua Israel Goldberg, but decided that his first creation wasn't yet inbred enough to take on such a ridiculous name, and thus named the first Jew "Adam".
After some time, Adam gets tired of masturbating and bitches to God, who gives Adam roofies and makes Eve out of one of his ribs. When an evil snake, (supposedly Satan if you're a Christian, if you're Jewish then it's just a fucking snake) persuaded the Eve to eat the forbidden fruit, the pair were banned from the Garden of Eden for all eternity. This is the origin of the Christian opinion that women are inferior to men. God installs the first firewall in front of the Garden of Eden using some hardc0re angels.
According to the Book of Exodus, Moses was the HNIC of all the Jews. God, being the 1337 ass that He is, told Moses "You're movin' with your auntie and uncle to Egypt and freeing all the Jews from bondage (Book of Princes 0:17)." Then, God taught Moses some magic, like turning his rod into a serpent and initiating Zerg Rush. Moses went to Egypt and tried to convince the Pharaoh to unpimp his bitches in accordance with God's will, to which the Pharaoh replied "Fuck you, I'm a dragon!". God realized his fanboi, Moses, had achieved epic failure of literally biblical proportions, and used His power to inflict AIDS upon the slave-driving Egyptians.
Following the offense, Moses and his motley crew of slave Jews were permabanned from Egypt. Pharaoh then realized he wanted his slaves back, but realized he forgot to make a save point and chases the Jews down. The Jews get stuck between Pharaoh's army and the Sea of Reeds, at which point Moses divides by zero and splits the sea they walk through. While looking for a good place to take a shit, they stopped at Mount Sinai. Moses had a revelation that God was waiting for him at the summit with further instructions. Moses climbed to the top of the mountain, and got two slabs of rock from God that had ten of His favorite fag laws etched into them. When Moses returned to HQ, his followers were yiffing a golden calf. Knowing that God hates furfags, a butthurt Moses smashed the archaic Word docs and stormed back up the mountain to cry on God's shoulder. God was more than a little pissed that He hadn't saved His docs before printing them out, but was eventually able to retrieve His writings with the help of Windows Optimizer.
When the Jews finally make it to the promised land, they send some spies in, and find that the people living there are jacked up on steroids and shit brix and go back and bitch some more to Moses. This makes God angry, so for the lulz, God decides to troll Moses and tells him to wander around in the desert for at least 40 years to search for Teh Promzd Lnd even though they already found it.
After that, a bunch of shit happens. Most of which consists of various Jew wars, in which the proof of one's valor involved the bringing back of the enemy's foreskins. Also, much writing on scrolls ensued. A lot of the shit involves God trolling his creations in hilarious ways, such as telling some dumbass he has to kill his own son, then when he's got his son laying on a table and has a knife hovering over his head, God throws out the "LOL JUST KIDDING" for ultimate lulz (yay for chronology, that's Genesis you dumb fuck), or God sending evil spirits out to do his will (even though he's supposed to be good). Another good troll is when God zaps a guy called Job with all-over genital herpes, then offs his family, to settle a bet with Satan, thus proving the two are in cahoots and the whole Good vs Evil battle is for lulz at humanity's expense.
A sample of this scintillating literary work of genius is as follows:
All who curse father or mother shall be put to death; having cursed father or mother, their blood is upon them. If a man commits adultery with the wife of his neighbor, both the adulterer and the adulteress shall be put to death. The man who lies with his father's wife has uncovered his father's nakedness; both of them shall be put to death; their blood is upon them. If a man lies with his daughter-in-law, both of them shall be put to death; they have committed perversion; their blood is upon them. If a man lies with a male as with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination; they shall be put to death; their blood is upon them. If a man takes a wife and her mother also, it is depravity; they shall be burned to death, both he and they, that there may be no depravity among you. If a man has sexual relations with an animal, he shall be put to death, and you shall kill the animal. If a woman approaches any animal and has sexual relations with it, you shall kill the woman and the animal; they shall be put to death, but only after the video has been posted on YouTube; their blood is upon them.
Note here that even in antiquity the Old Testament recognized Genetic Sexual Attraction as a lesser crime, not punishable by death, proving that those who suffer from a syndrome are of course less responsible for fucking their siblings:
If a man takes his sister, a daughter of his father or a daughter of his mother, and sees her nakedness, and she sees his nakedness, it is a disgrace, and they shall be cut off in the sight of their people; he has uncovered his sister's nakedness; he shall be subject to punishment.
In conclusion, Adam and Eve, along with all their inbred descendants, are going straight to Hell.
The hero of the OT is David. This gimpy kid pwned the first professional wrestler named Goliath. Later on he starts the first Hells Angels gang and trolls Saul who eventually self-pwns. But once he's made king he starts taking himself too seriously, goes and sleeps with his general's wife, then arranges to have him murdered. His son from this affair then trolls David, but in the flame war he has his son killed. Feeling guilty about this he goes and writes the first ghey emo poetry: Psalms.
Also, in the Book of Ezekiel, a bunch of furry-headed gyroscopes in a helicopter tell some guy to eat a scroll, build a sand castle and play Warhammer 40K whilst lying tied up on his side for a couple years eating his own shit. Truly, God has the best drugs.
The last book written for the OT was Chronicles. In the Septuagint it is called "Paralipomenon", which is Greek for "things left out". Whereas in fact, it mainly consists of stuff thrown in and exaggerations, in order to make the Jews look better, and the other Israelites look like douchebags. For example, when comparing the books of Samuel and Chronicles, the number of Syrian chariot men King David slaughters goes from 700 to 7,000.
The Ten Commandments
The ancient Israelites -- being fussy, anal-retentive control-freaks -- demanded there be lots of rules. Rules, rules, rules. So after running out of nit-picky, hair-splitting regulations about how to sacrifice farm animals, they stole Chapter 125 of the Papyrus of Ani from the Egyptians (which in turn stole it from the Sumerians, who bought if third-hand from a shady Babylonian who insisted that it "fell off the back of an Ox-cart.") so they could have some bigger, broader, more nebulous rules that could be more easily used to inflict tyranny with.
The Ten Commandments (Exodus 20/Deut 5)
The Famous but Lame Nonsensical Version
Notice that the Common Sense ones (prohibiting Murder, Theft and Lying) are almost at the bottom of the list (at commandments 6, 8 and 9), whereas the first 4 are Yahweh being an emo drama whore who thinks it's all about him and his precious, precious feeeelings.
FUN GAME: For IRL trolling lulz, find a way to break all 10 Commandments at once and DO IT FAGGOT. This shall troll not only christfags, but Satanists and law enforcement, as well.
The Ten Commandments (Exodus 34)
The Obscure but Utterly Bugfucking Batshit Insane in Membrane Version
To those who think that the Ten Commandments are a sticky, oily pile of rancid horse manure....it's worse than you realize.
The version we are all familiar -- which was dealt with in the section above -- is a vast improvement over the Crazy Batshit Beta Version that is, apparently, The REAL Ten Commandments. It is the only version that the Great Sky Daddy actually calls "The Ten Commandments"
—Sam Kinison - Greatest prophet of all time
The second book, The New Testament, is where the story REALLY picks up. The Mary Sue of the second book is named Jesus. Jesus was born at least 100 years ago. Jesus' mom was impregnated by God (Mary fucking up the 7th commandment), and gives birth to Jesus in a barn somewhere Georgia, most likely in Bartow County, now known as the "Holy Land" theme park.
Jesus grows up to be a New Age healer preaching peace, love, unity and respect, thus making him the first raver or hippie of sorts. He gains a large following by performing miracles such as turning water into wine or moving Romans around Jerusalem. His followers are all men, so he might have been one of the first gay idols, preceding Judy Garland by at least one hundred years.
So Jesus pisses off the Romans, and is nailed to a tree and dies. He is resurrected and then is abducted by the Illuminati and taken to Venus where he lives with other historical figures like George Washington and Leeza Gibbons.
The book has a huge fan following, with many factions splitting up. Jews only take the Old Testament as canon while Christians accept both. Technically Islam accepts the Bible as legitimate scripture but just try telling Osama bin Laden that.
According to the Bible
There are many proven facts in the world that the bible says is wrong. When Adam and Eve fucked and made children like (100 or so) those brothers and sisters fucked and made more retard children, but it also stated that Adam lived for hundreds of years and "Helped with the creation of man" so basically he fucked his own children. Space according to the bible doesn't exist as the stars in space change and that's impossible because god created everything perfectly and unneeded of change. Then again we can always blame Satan for fucking everything up and releasing sin through Eve eating the apple, thus creating the lulzy - shit world we know today.
Makes a unexpected and merciless weapon, if it is a complete hardcover edition. Also can be hollowed out to hide smaller weapons. But, probably the best thing about the Bible is its quotability. Memorize some of these bad-ass lines and you are on the highway to Respect. Here’s how it would work:
- PRIMA: Hey, can I have some of that sandwich?
- SECUNDA: Get your own, buddy!
- PRIMA: Well, you know, The Bible says, “Let it rest on the head of Job, and on all his father's house; and let there not fail from the house of Job one that hath an issue, or that is a leper, or that leaneth on a staff, or that falleth on the sword, or that lacketh bread.” (2 Samuel 3:29)
- SECUNDA: Wow, that is totally bad-ass. Here, have the rest of this sandwich.
- PRIMA: NOM NOM NOM
Reading the Bible
In this day and age where the uneducated masses can hardly stumble through Shakespearean Era English, much less decipher the tangled strings of random words they claim is a religious text, one need not worry about not fully comprehending the teachings of the Bible. No living person has actually read the entire thing anyway. Just skim through Leviticus and Revelations for quick lulz, or if that's too much for you, Rev. Brendon Powell Smith has got you covered with the Brick Testament. It even comes with pictures for fuck's sake. How can anyone misinterpret something that's been illustrated with Lego?
How to properly view the Holy Texts
Think of it like a movie. The Torah is the first one, and the New Testament is the sequel. Then the Quran comes out, and it retcons the last one like it never happened. There's still Jesus, but he's not the main character anymore, and the messiah hasn't shown up yet.
Jews like the first movie but ignored the sequels, Christians think you need to watch the first two, but the third movie doesn't count, Moslems think the third one was the best, and Mormons like the second one so much they started writing fan fiction that doesn't fit with ANY of the series canon. So much their version deals with Israelite "native" Americans, and aliens from the planet Kolob. Think of it as the bible goes the way of "My Immortal".
Origins of the Literal Word of God(BIBLE)
The following section contains serious business.
The bible is clearly Christ and Yahweh fan fiction chosen for mainstream distribution by none other than Emperor Constantine. The gospels themselves were written anonymously in third person, and attribution of the authors' names (Mark, Luke, Matthew, John) is pretty much the equivalent of getting those annoying email forwards written by some basement dwelling fuckbucket and then simply typing in "from Bill Cosby" before forwarding that crap yourself. Everyone after that will be like "ZOMG Bill Cosby wrote this email! Forward it to all of your friends!!!1111!!!" To view some of the less popular fan fiction that he didn't approve of, check out the Gnostic Gospels which clearly prove that Jesus beat the breaks off Mary Magdalene and HOLY SHIT possesses a bird!
Just as the experts on convoluted bullshit thought the Bible was done pwning humanity, King James took it to a whole other level. This translation brought about such gems as: Isaiah 14:12 "How art thou fallen from heaven, O Lucifer, son of the morning! How art thou cut down to the ground, which didst weaken the nations!" This passage has Christ fanboys afraid to rub one out to this very day. Little do the Yahweh sycophants know, but this passage is actually a dis on the fallen Babylonian ruler known as "The Sun King", the word "Lucifer" is Latin for "Morning Star" - the same planet/morning star that we call "Venus". The KJV also gives us, among many more, a terrible fail of reading comprehension in Isaiah 7:14 which supposedly predicts Jesus' virgin birth. The passage in context (Isaiah 7:10 - 16) says "Hey King Ahaz - check out this chick right here; she's pregnant and is going to name her filthy Jew spawn "Immanuel" once it's born. He's going to grow up eating everything in sight - but before this kid has hair on his nuts your enemies will be defeated." The list of abject fail (contradictions and mistranslations) is so extensive it would be a mathematical impossibility for me to cover them all without stumbling upon a viable solution for the perpetual motion paradox. In closing, remember to thank that bastard Paul of Tarsus every day for the virus that devours young minds and squanders endless resources that could be used for something constructive. After all, it is he who decided to tell the disciples that jolly old Jesus advised him his lovin' was for everyone, not just the Jews. From that day forward the gentiles(us) have been eating it up. You see how well Christianity is going over in the area of its roots. Mention anything about it and your bitch ass is getting stoned and beheaded. Those Muslims and Jews really know how to run shit! Send in a suicide bomber for me fellas! HA HA HAAAAA....Martyrs.
Fact of the day
The original New Testament was supposed to run for a traditional 12 episodes rather than the 9 episodes that we know today. The story had progressed as far as Jesus "rising from the dead" and then "ascending to heaven" when a Christian writer's strike, ignited by the wise decision of Emperor Trajan Decius to feed all screenwriters to the lions in the arena, forced the hasty grafting on of a hurried and unconvincing season climax. In the original plot, the risen Jesus is exposed as an emissary of the Devil sent to overturn the teachings of the original pacifistic guru, and to engineer the subjugation of the Roman Empire by the new Christian fundamentalists, thus leading to centuries of warfare. The plot is exposed by Judas, whose "suicide" in the Potter's Field is really a ruse to throw off the agents of the Evil One, and the fake Jesus dies in a hail of Uzi bullets, leading to a Jew-run world of peace and love. (Obviously a comedy.)
Epic Bible Citations
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God's Food Recipes
According to the Bible, you can eat all that are in the waters that have fins and scales (Deuteronomy 14:9-10), the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters (Leviticus 26:29, Deuteronomy 28:53, Deuteronomy 28:57), the flesh of your friends (Jeremiah 19:9), the flesh your father (Ezekiel 5:10), the flesh of your arm (Isaiah 9:19-20), drink your own blood as the sweet wine (Isaiah 49:26), or you can eat your own shit and drink your own piss (2 Kings 18:27, Isaiah 36:12).
You can eat every moving thing that lives (Genesis 9:3), except those of them that chew the cud or of them that divide the cloven hoof (Deuteronomy 14:7-8, Leviticus 11:2-4). Don't eat shrimp (Leviticus 11:9-12, Deuteronomy 14:9-10) and don't eat your own vomit (2 Peter 2:21-22). When eating an animal, remember that all the fat is the Lord's and He doesn't like to share it with you (Leviticus 3:16). You can also eat all the insects which have four legs, except the flying ones (Leviticus 11:21-23).
You can eat all the herbs God created, none of them is poisonous to you (Genesis 1:30), but don't be a vegetarian: vegetarianism is the doctrine of the devil (1 Timothy 4:1-3). Only the weak are vegetarians (Romans 14:2).
The "Holy Shit" Cakes
—Ezekiel 4:12-15 NLT
|If Sunday School was Honest...
It's Written in Stone by Illiterate Goatherders....so it MUST be True!
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People Who Debunk The Bible
- Joseph Smith
- Farrel Till
- John Loftus
- Linus Torvalds
- Sylvia Browne
- Various scientists with nothing better to do
- Various atheists with nothing better to do
People Who Try To Debunk The Bible
- Tijuana bibles
- Bible Slash
- The Rapture
- Christian Spanking Blogs - Inspired by the Bible. Surprise surprise.
- Read the ENTIRE FUCKING BIBLE RIGHT HERE 4 FREE
- The Devil's Dictionary X - A fun and educational read.
- Skeptic's Annotated Bible - Points out all the bullshit in the Bible, which is why there is commentary on every verse.
- Evil Bible - The best Bible out there.
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