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Attack on Titan

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Attack on Titan Keep Calm.png
I'm a potato, your argument is invalid.
Basically... every episode.

Also known as Stop Fucking Crying, Attack on Titan is an extremely cheesy, melodramatic and overhyped Japanese show, in which nearly everything dies before the viewer can figure out what the fuck is going on. The plot mainly revolves around people frenetically crying literally non-stop. The tear to frame ratio is a million to half a frame. The protagonist is a wimpy loser virgin, so the viewer can more easily insert himself into the character. While the manga looks like it was drawn by a dyslexic suffering from muscular dystrophy, using his dick for a pencil, the anime shares the same shitty CGI animation with the the Berserk: Golden Age Arc film series another shitty Japanese show that no one heard of. Every episode consists of consecutive scenes of people struggling with their shit that only you can relate to and ends with a cliffhanger, because when you're watching a show you always want to be reminded how much life sucks, that is pretty much compulsory. Despite the rumors that this anime was inspired by a viking myth, it really doesn't show any pillaging or raepfests, excluding the fanfic.

Contents

Plot

At least 100 years ago, out of the blue, God decided to troll humanity by sending a bunch of impetuous, mongoloid, gigantic, neutered, crackfiends to Blitzkrieg the fuck out of the human race. For some fucking unexplained reason, these infatuated retards only attack suckers that have monkey DNA in their gene pool. Humanity got assraped and every country ever, was eaten up, with the exception of Germany, Switzerland and Austria. The surviving people then somehow built a huge fucking wall to keep the fucktarded titans away from their Reich. How this was accomplished was never explained, and thus far, it sounds completely and utterly dipshit insane. This is the kind of plot you put together when your heroin runs out.

100 years later, God decided to spawn a Level 100 Titan right next to the city of Shiganshina, which gets completely destroyed and in the process everyone fucking dies... again. Our main character Eren Jäger sees his mother get eaten by an emo titan, and then declares that he will kill every single one of them, while frenetically crying his tear ducts off. Eren, his adopted sister Mikasa and some pussy ass, best material for a prison bitch, named Armin, decide to join the military. After 5 years of hard work and crying, Eren, Mikasa, Armin, and some other faggots nobody cares about, complete their military training and are in the top 10. They join the Recon Corps (the guys who failed to protect Shiganshina), even though they could've joined the Military Police and lived a peaceful life in the capital while masses of n00bs would've died at the Outer Walls.

The Colossal Titan (It's Bertholdt) from Shiganshina appears once again to pwn humanity, but this time, they manage to evacuate the City in time while the Recon soldiers act like retards and die. Mikasa skillfully pwns 90% of the invading Titans, while Eren dies and Armin cries while fagging out. Everyone runs out of gas and is about to get fucked but then Eren another Titan shows up and beats the shit out of the other Titans, leaving only a mess of blood and gore behind while ignoring humans.

The Titan eventually runs out of Stamina and dissolves, revealing that it was actually Eren! After some more crying, he is about to get executed by the military but saved by some Nazi General called Pixis. Pixis wants Eren to carry a convenient boulder to a conveniently-sized hole in the wall, thereby "fixing" it. In typical Animu fashion, Eren loses his mind upon biting his hand to turn into a Titan and almost pwns Mikasa. Armin eventually manages to somehow talk him out of it while stabbing him during the course of an entire episode, while 897 people die defending him. He successfully fixes the wall and is then almost raped by the Pope in court, but some 31337 Recon soldier named Levi beats him up in front of everyone. Since he didn't turn into a Titan while getting pwned, he gets transferred to the Recon Corps.

From this point forward, the blatant Levi/Eren yaoi moments occur.

Characters

Eren Jaeger - Literally the angry german kid. After watching a large naked retard using his mom for mouth job, he swore to kill all titans, but ended up almost failing the class and have his ass handed to a titan. He is somehow a titan and don't ask why just believe it.

Mikasa - Some random stranger Eren found in a stranger's home and decided to keep her as his sex doll or maid. For some reason, Misaka was able to do SUPER well in the class and was able to carry her newbie team against armies of large, agile nudists (because she is asian). Oh yeah, She is also the only asian girl with a Japanese name, living in a population full of Germans. She is literally the last asian.

Armin - Useless weak ass little bitch side character that nobody cares about.

Sasha - A girl who like to eat a lot (because every anime needs to have a character who has a bad eating habit, such as Luffy from One Piece and Goku from Dragon Ball). Sasha is the lolcow of this anime.

Ymir - selfish feminist bitch who only cares for her scissoring bitch friend Christa.

Historia Reiss Christa Renz - Another useless member of the genocide legion. A much better sex toy than Misaka. She is only good for a shit tons of YmirXChrista fan art. Nothing more. She is secretly part of the lizard people cult living behind the wall.

Annie - Lonely virgin insane blonde chick who can't make a proper friend to save her life. While demonstrating l33t skills in human form, as a Titan, she kills the others in the genocide legion for unknown reasons.

Jean - Typical Pussy ass faggot who gets butthurt over seeing his friends getting pwned by the titans. He somehow manages to survive and instead of backing out of the action by joining the Military Police Brigade, he goes on ahead to the Survey Corps and tries to do as much as he can to help defeat the Titans.

Levi - Droopy ass 1337 5k1llZ loner wh0 shows interest in Eren after seeing his capabilities in saving humanity from the Titans. Favourite among the fangirls who desperately need an uninterested, detached, cold and abusive figure in their lives to buttrape them.

Petra - Levi's personal soulless whore. Rather fitting due to her being dead and irrelevant.

Attack on Titan opening fits with everything

Previous Video  |  Next Video

Shitstorm between Japs, Koreans, and Chinks

Ever since the 3 nations divided, China, Japan and Taiwan are fighting for that little island, and the butthurt Chinks and Koreans are doing everything in their power to shit on Japan for no reason. As such, this anime is being flamed for promoting Japanes militarist agendas. It is allegedly pushing the defeated Japs to "posses a military and break free". "The message overlaps with the Abe administrations far right policies." The lyrics also apparently push an agenda that supports the revival of jap militarism. Also, South Korea has accused Japan of hiding military subliminal messages in Attack on Titan. This is complete bullshit due to all characters being German in the first place, though.

Fanfaggotry

Attack on Titan (Shingeki no Kyojin if you're a weeaboo shit eater) is unfortunately, extremely good at connecting with its intended audience, the majority of them being cheesy tumblr girls. The series has spawned countless fanfic, mostly involving the male characters from the series engaging in awkward sensual moments or boning each other, with fangirls soaking their pants on the first sight of those characters and their unoriginal quirks. Sound familiar? Attack on Titan managed to infect YouTube with its cheesy, pre-teen tier faggotry as well. Typing Attack on Titan will bring up tons of results mostly involving mash-ups and sexy orgasm inducing moments from the anime series.

The 16 year old horny girls who watch the show will refer to the main characters as their babies, fittingly so as all the main characters are faggot crybabies imagined to engage in buttsecks with each other as the story proceeds. The countless tumblr blogs about SNK contain so many gay innuendos and the characters being cutesy pussyfaggots that exposure to it will cause instant homosexuality upon the viewer. The show also remains one of the most overly cross-gender cosplayed show in existence as the weeaboo retards luv them some gender bending due to being uncomfortable with their own sexuality. The attraction of these fans proves the anime to be an effective one, and will hopefully help contain this massive trend from spreading to the more relevant parts of the internet.

Ways of Trolling the Fans

Wanna tryhard and troll the fans? Tell them any of the following:

  • Offer any type of homosexual relationship between characters Actually, fuck that, all the fangirls have come up with at least 100 cringe inducing Yaoi pairings so doing this is the equivalent to putting out fire with gasoline. Instead, humiliate them by telling them how retarded and hormone induced their pairings are. Don't forget to insult Tumblr while you're at it
  • Refer to it as Attack of the Titans
  • Tell them that Eren is the worst main character in all of shounen history
  • Tell them that their endless speculation of plot points and character alignments are utterly pointless because the characters are extremely uninteresting and the series has as much of a plot as 2 girls 1 cup does
  • Compare it to other running anime and explain why the latter is better
  • Say that Berthholdt did nothing wrong
  • Call the first opening song bad
  • Call the second opening better
  • Tell them that the show is extremely cheesy and hand-crafted to appeal to the pre-teen girls that watch the show, and is needlessly overacted
  • Refer them to this article
  • Make fun of the character deaths (this is especially effective since the death toll of dead German people is higher than Stalingrad.)

Gallery

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Attack on Titan is part of a series on

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