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Assassin's Creed

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Assasscreed.jpg
The original cover before it was remade.
Ass Creed, huh? Stabbing men, taking their money, and touring around Europe? Sounds like my ex-wife!

Assassin's Creed (or Ass Creed for short) is the 100,000th franchise to be expelled out of the corporate digestive track that is Ubisoft. The French-Canadians who developed this franchise ensured that it is warmer, steamier and a thousand times more smellier then your typical pile of crap. Credit must go to those frogs however, because being able to produce a series whilst having a severe mental and physical disability is quite a feat.

The plot takes place three months before the end of the world, in September 2012 on the 11th anniversary of 9/11. The Jews are celebrating 11 years of glorious uprising as the FBI are still trying to gather enough evidence to legally perform a second holocaust. A kike bartender named Desmond is kidnapped by a corporation (most likely a self-characterization of Ubisoft) and forced into a machine that "recollects ancestral memories buried into the users DNA" because he is apparently the descendant of Jebus or some shit. Really, the entire game is a figment of Desmond's imagination, and thus anything you achieve whilst playing is automatically null and void.

In the sequel, some dyke takes our protagonist to a shithole to find your inner homosexual from the Renaissance era. The turd you impersonate is the utmost definition of Guido. He bangs a chick and goes home to flex his tan buttocks for a selfie. Later his family is killed in front of his very eyes and yet he doesn't give a fuck. He apparently thinks it's a good idea to sit back and watch the game while his family is butthurt by Fat Albert. Meanwhile in the copypasta factory, he finds his dad's Assassin outfit. Too bad it's same shit, new cape more gloss. But after the second game, people stopped giving a shit about the plot.

Unfortunately but not unsurprisingly, the fame these two taints produced spawned a whole god damn franchise for Jews to milk more money from, since the dumb masses found this heap of shit appealing. In the end, from the depths of the corporate cesspool, a gazillion more games resurfaced, together with: films, novels, comics and, believe it or not, a fucking book.

Contents

Plot

Desmond Miles, a hymie bartender, is roofied and kidnapped by Shitstergo Industriezzes, in order to force him to hook with the Anusimus, a device that's able to replay the genetic memories of your ancestors. Now this shit will happen on day to day basis, throughout every Assassin's Creed game. In Desmond's case, they seek information about his ancestor Altaïr Ibn-Habla-Labia'Ahad-Mubli-Lublih', a towel head who lived during the time of the Third Crusade. Within the Anusimus, Altaïr's memories reveal that he was a closet homosexual attempting to stop evil juju homophobes from persecuting other raghead gays, but he somehow broke all three of the FluffyPinkFuzzySnuggles Brotherhood's tenets in the process. The Brotherhood leader, Al Mualimus, demotes Altaïr to the rank of Faggot, and assigns him the task of surprise butt secksing nine people, all of whom are against gay marriage, to regain his former status.

As Altaïr completes the bukake shank combi surprises, he finds that each was a member of the Templars searching for "Pieces of Eden", ancient mystical dildos with infinite battery life. Upon encountering a heavily plumped fat eunuch, he discovers that it was actually some vagina disguised in his armor. She demands rape, but Altaïr, dazed and confused, flips the fuck out and runs away. Altaïr learns the location of the fat dickless fuck he originally wanted to kill, encounters him in front of King Richard and accuses him of massive douchebaggery. King Richard makes the two fight in a bikini wrestling match and lets God decide who is the real faggot. Altaïr eventually defeats the gluttonous pig, who with his dying cock breath, reveals the existence of a tenth Templar: Al Mualimus. Returning to the Brotherhood, Altaïr finds Al Mualimus in possession of the Butt Plug of Eden that is able to control people's minds. Altaïr is forced to fight his way through drooling shit stabbers and dykes in awe with Al Mualimus's Butt Plug (with the help of other Anal Assassins still loyal to the creed) to reach Al Mualimus, and engage him in bikini wrestling. Altaïr eventually sees through Al Mualim's faggorty using the artifact, and kills him. Upon approaching the artifact, Altaïr is surprised to find it displays a projection of interracial gay porn, marking several spots around the globe. Mesmarized, Altaïr drops to his knees and starts ferociously beating off.

At this point, Desmond is brought out of the Anusimus, his purpose served. He comes to learn that Shitstergo is a front for the modern-day Templars, set to use the locations on the map seen by Altaïr to find more Pieces of Eden, believing that they must collect the artifacts to control the world's growing homo population, in order to stave off the end of the world in 2012... I don't even...

Desmond's life is spared by Lucy Stillman, a queer mole doubling as an Abstergo scientist. Left alone in his locked room, Desmond discovers (through "the Rectal Bleeding Effect" from his anal warts) that he can observe numerous messages in ass blood on the walls and floor left by a previous test subject (Subject16) that foretell the end of the world... another one I guess.

Characters

FUN FACT: Did you know real life assassins toked weed before every mission? It's goddamn true! The word "Assassin" comes from Arabic "Ḥashshāshīn", since Hashish was their favorite tea. NO FUCKING SHIT!

  • Desmond Miles - Descendant of Altair and Ezio. Due to heavy interracial breeding he is mostly Jewish now. Works as a bartender but is kidnapped by a corporation, who want to use him as a guinea pig and use a new invention on him known as the Animal Anus which can supposedly bring back memories from the user's ancestors. Once said memories have been received, Desmond is almost killed by the people who kidnapped him, but through a deus ex machina is rescued by a mysterious woman. Why she was outside of the kitchen is beyond me. Truly, this is a very realistic game. Desmond realizes that he is humanity's only hope and becomes an hero. Half of the fanbase were extremely butthurt by this, and as a result started creating theories of his possible survival.
  • Altaïr Ibn-Habla-Labia'Ahad-Mubli-Lublih' - Dirty Arab from 1191 whose main purpose is to pickpocket and kill people. In typical Arab fashion, he loves to pick fights with people on the street just for shits and giggles. He also enjoys having heartfelt discussions with his assassination targets after slicing their necks, and the guards are polite enough not to interrupt these chats. He's the only cool protagonist of the series. Note the two dots above the letter 'i' in his name. Bastard thinks he's better then the rest of us. Fucking Arabs. It should also be noted that thanks to the Americanization of Eastern civilization, Altair has an American accent.
  • Abstergo Industries - (Pronounced "Asperger's Industries") Evil corporation that kidnapped Desmond. Serve as the main antagonist of the game. Their agenda is using the Animal Anus to find the location of Altair's Jew gold, which he buried somewhere in the heart of Israel. Deserve to be burned at the stake due to the fact that a woman was able to outsmart them and ruin their plans.
  • Lucy Stillman - Deserves no place in this game and really should stick to making sammiches rather then rescuing Jews from death. Notice the complete difference from the first and second game's appearance.
  • Rebecca Crane - I don't know why the producers think it's a good idea to keep adding more female assassins. This woman is also better off in a kitchen somewhere, making baby back ribs for the guys. Mmmm... Baby back ribs...

Gameplay

Typical gameplay.


The game borrows gameplay elements heavily from other games/franchises. These include Spider-Man (scaling walls and buildings), Street Fighter (picking random fights with people on the street), Grand Theft Auto (committing crimes and running from the police) and several others. The gameplay is also horribly repetitive, as 90% of the time you will just be tapping the X button to beat up a dirty Muslim who tried to steal your Jew gold. You can scale EVERY goddamn surface no matter how steep, high or poorly designed it is without being tired or showing a remote decrease in stamina, jump six billion meters across two buildings and jump 6000 feet and dive into a haystack with no bodily harm.

The weapons at your disposal, which you may use to cut or jab through the guards' mysteriously ineffective body armor, include:

For some strange reason your legs are rendered useless when fighting, despite being heavily relied on throughout the rest of the game. Should you choose to become a criminal scum, guards will attempt to kill you rather than confiscate your stolen goods. Should you ever be zerg rushed by a group of guards, you can simply pick one of them up and throw them into the rest and make a daring escape, or just kill them all by picking out a person and countering everything he does; it's seriously not that fucking hard. Almost anything can act as a hiding spot, including a park bench. Truly, these are the cleverest AI controlled bots, seeing as how you are the only one dressed in a fucking Assassin's uniform, so it must be impossible to find you (though in their defense, their uniforms were designed so that they might be mistaken for heavily armed, building-scaling monks).

If you get damaged by an enemy, an unrealistic amount of blood will spray out of your body in a similar fashion to ejaculation. Not even GTA has this much bloodspray. This can happen 5-6 more times before you eventually run out of blood, and return back to the Animal Anus' lobby. Also, in the same way as earlier GTA games, you don't have the ability to swim. Something Ubisoft, the lazy bastards, first fixed in the sequel.

Worst of all, you're assessed a 2-HP penalty for killing the dumbass civilians, as an attempt to distract from the point that no matter how many of the cows in hijabs you send to hell, no matter how high the bodies pile up, they keep milling in and acting afraid for like 30 seconds. It's like working at a slaughterhouse, but without the Spanish, the fake ID, and the half-minimum-wage paycheck. But it does flush the guards out from wherever they're hiding.

Ass Creed 2: Electric Boogaloo

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A sequel (Ass Creed 2, how fucking original) was confirmed by Ubisoft, in which you play as a Guido rather then an Arab/Jew. It's a slight improvement from its predecessor, but Italians have no place in higher society, just as Arabs and Jews have no place in society at all. In this new one, you get to chillax with Dee Vinchee and fly around on his MAGICAL FUCKING BIRDWINGS or some shit. Also other Guido stuff like sing showtunes on queer boats and jizza on pizza. A brief summary of the plot is that you become an Assassin and kill people. The only redeeming part of the game is when you beat the shit out of the Pope.

Ass Creed 2: Electric Boogaloo.

Plot

You start off as this guido in the Renaissance era, sliding out of your mother's snatch like on a slip 'n slide. Hitting the wooden floor, you're picked up by your father, who chants Italian gibberish like a dumb guinea. You suffer from a seizure and start crying. Years later, you are a rich nigger in a bitch gang, sayin' yo momma jokes and being an Al Pacino rip off. You get a rock thrown in your face and your repressed brain damage comes back, causing your eyes to bulge from the sockets and you to foam at the mouth while flailing your arms towards your enemies. After you fuck their shit up, you decide it's time to hump the neighbourhood woe. Then, like a deranged dumbfuck, you walk around collecting feathers for your dipshit sibling, delivering letters door to door like an Italian postbitch and just avoiding the po-po.

Suddenly, your crack-head dad and mentally disabled gay brothers get captured and publicly hanged like the pieces of Italian apeshit they are. Right after that, you decide it's time for some fucking revenge. So you go to your dad's secret chill room, filled with weed, Flavor Flav albums and his old dirty gimp suit. But since your jackass dad hid the room, you gotta use your "see-piss-stains-on-wall" (a.k.a the Rectal Bleeding Effect) power to find the weed and BDSM gear. After you dress up like a dirty sand monkey, with a raggedy half-cape that miserably fails to conceal your already supposedly "hidden" blade, you decide you're gonna stab some motherfucking fat guy that betrayed your family. You "blend into the crowd", by shoulder clocking and elbowing your way into a group of random Italian people like a stupid asshole, and just walk along. Seriously, guards don't notice a white robe wearing guido with a fucking hoodie and a sword in his dirty hands when you walk by through a crowd of poor Italian plebs. Like THEY WOULDN'T CARE.

After you kill that elephantine sack of shit that betrayed your family, you decide to take your whore sister with Down syndrome and your retarded mom with Cerebal palsy that can't speak anymore cuz some gentlemen with very low standards raped her vagianus, out of the damn city to some guido Villa in central Italy. On the way there you meet the same wankers you had a cockfight with earlier, and decide to fuck their shit up... again. You get some weird dildo on your arm, that magically appears whenever you want it to. Then when you arrive to that guido villa, your pedo Uncle Mario pops up from nowhere to rape you and your family. He yells "ITS-A ME, MARIO" trying to be funny and clever with a reference that no one understands anymore. GUESS WHICH ONE!1!11!

Soon after you drop off your white trash family, you go on to kill Templar bitches, kill innocent guards doing their jobs, hire whores, kill/steal from people, run around on rooftops, break every bone in your body and still be perfectly fine and just steal from tombs and chests. LEAVE THE DEAD PEOPLE ALONE! What's even more annoying is that during certain sequences you feel like you're playing a special children's aid video game, where obvious cutscenes pop up every five minutes, with the new path you just opened, followed by our retardo Italian friend blurting out while drooling: NOW I HAV NEW PLACE WHERE-WHO, UGH UP AND BACK IF I FALL! UUH. Fucking underachieving depressing dumb asshole.

[INSERT IMAGINATION HERE]

Characters

FUN FACT: Did you know Altaïr, Ezio and Desmond were created using the face of a French-Canadian model named Francisco Randez? But he didn't end up voicing them since French-Canadian accents sound ultimately retarded.

  • Ezio Auditore da Firenze: Say it nine times fast. A winner is you. Gay faggot guido from 1480. No matter where this asshole goes, he's always getting some boon. How does he do it!? Is it the fagstain he has on his lip? Only time will tell. His gay lover is Leonardo da Vinci, whom he shares passionate stares with every cutscene. Then there's the touching. Always the touching, patting, whatever you may call it. It's gay and needs to stop. Every male character in the game has at least one spank or indirect hug from Ezio. Speaking of faggot, he can't seem to remember his uncle's name, which turns out to be quite-a-surprise. Ezio has a shitty cape. Oh yeah, and he has TWO dicks instead of one. Could you imagine?
  • Leonardo Da Vinci (Some fucking French faggot, I guess) - Yes, this assfuck is someone famous for drawing shitty things with his own spooge and puke, and make some epic flying machine that actually works. In the ancient years of 1400, sure. This guy also translates your hatemail for you, to make some weird-ass map out of it. You get to carry his sex toys art to your crackhouse and then stare at it for two hours, wondering why the fuck you have it in your house. This guy also makes your "hidden blades", like those things in the first game. Leonardo even pulls a successful troll, by scaring the shit out of you, when he pretends to chop your ring finger off, because the designs of those hidden dildos told him to. But then he's like NO WAIT DATS WHAT THOSE SANDNIGGERS DID BACK THEN, FUCKING FAGS, and decides you can keep your fingers in the vain hope that you'll finger the inside of his penis.
  • Altair "some Arab/Jew shit here" - Oh looky-looky, it seems our Arab fucknut decided to enter the game after you pass out from the Animal Anus machine thing, and Altair stalks her into a tower. After Altair gets on the tower he decides to fuck the living hell out of the chick he was chasing, assuming that's how your family started or something. Yeah, we go from Middle-Durka-Durka to fucking Guidoville, 200 years into the future aswell. This game is a serious mindfuck.
  • The Bad Guys - You get to stab the living fuck out of old, fat pedophiles and faggots. Mostly you just jump on their backs and dryhump them, then slice their necks after you talk about your sex life. The guards are even nice enough to let you finish. You even get to kill the fucking Pope, the biggest, sweatiest pedophile of them all. But, because God wanted a laugh, he'll make you fight him to the death. After a bit of this, the Pope decides to attempt a ragequit as you are pwning his fat ass hard, and you chase him into some fucking Vault thing and go play hero by taking off all your weapons and getting into a sissy slapping contest with him, where you get to punch the greasy pedo in the face a bazillion times. After you have proved you have the superior pimp hand, you fuck him up the ass and make him your bitch, and he begs you to kill him to stop his ailing ass from hurting, but Ezio pulls one of the biggest trolls ever, and goes "LOL no!" Then you have a talk with a female God thing or whatever (Why isn't she in God's kitchen?), and Ezio being all like FUCK YOU BITCH WHERE'S THE MONEY?! Then after she shuts her mouth, it was all being said to Desmond in the Animal Anus, not to our Guido Assassin.

Your Crack-Addicted Family

  • Giovanni Auditore, your idiotic father that fucked your mother, who takes your baby body into his arms, yelling Italian gibberish and being a total douche. Luckily this faggot dies soon in the game.
  • Maria Auditore, your stupid whore mother who went brain dead after she got raped by some picky guards.
  • Claudia Auditore, your slut sister who takes every cock she can for 2 florins.
  • Federico Auditore, your big brother who likes sucking your dick on saturday nights. Luckily he dies soon in the game, too.
  • Domenico Auditore, your small brother who got fucked by your father every night. Also he likes feathers. Faggot. Oh and he gets hanged as well.

Seems like you're left with the whores, and they aren't even fuckable. Better get 'em in the kitchen, then.

Gameplay

Pretty much.

Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood

Assassin's Creed Brotherhood, just like Assassin's Creed Revelations, feature the same character, gameplay and graphics as Assassin's Creed 2, but Ezio has a beard this time around.

Plot

Desmond and his retarded friends get lost in the ruins of a guido villa, and Desmond reenters the Anusimus to continue Ezio's faggorty, specifically to find their way out and the location of the Pineapple. After facing against some guy, Ezio returned to Monteriagina, but the villa is soon attacked. Mario and Luigi both are killed and the Apple is stolen. Ezio vows revenge by helping to free the people of Rome from something. As Ezio works covertly to turn the city against the Borgias, he gains followers that want to join his cause, and Ezio trains them in the way of the Anal Assassins. In an attempt to assassinate Julius Caesar and some guy in a castle, Ezio instead witnesses incest rape. Some guy was forcing his father to eat his "poisoned apple". Ezio chases down the sick fuck and eventually captures him and recovers the Pineapple. Someone is taken to a prison somewhere, but manages to escape with help of his allies. The Assassins lead the fight against a dude and the remaining loyal Borgia troops, and eventually Ezio throws some guy from a castle wall, murdering him. With no more stuff happening, Ezio takes to hide the Pineapple in his rectum, but he forgets about it and shits under the Colosseum. In the present, Desmond is navigating through the sewer beneath the Colosseum to locate the poop. As he picks it up, Desmond is witness to steam poopoo hallucinations. Some poopie lady, calling herself Woe, controls Desmond to stab some annoying dyke (because she was a Templar) and forces him into a coma.

Gameplay

Brotherhood shares many of the same features as the previous games, like climbing a wall and falling down. Similar to Jews, the player is able to spend money to buy and upgrade shops and other facilities throughout the city as to increase revenue, he can collect later; however, the player will be required to destroy the competition, before doing so. The Brotherhood of Butt Assassins is introduced, by which, after saving citizens from certain events, the player can make them Assassins; they can then be dispatched to remote locations across Europe, procuring for experience and money, or can be called in to help the player to take a load off. For the first time in the series, the game features online retardation.

Assassin's Creed: Revelations

Ass Creed: Revelations box art.

The sequel to Assassins's Creed: Brotherhood and the final game in the "Guido Trilogy". It features all three protagonists from the previous game: Hebe "Sheeny" Miles, Altaïr Ibn-Habla-Labia'Ahad-Mubli-Lublih' and Ezio Auditore da Shalayla of the mushroom kingdom.

Plot

Desmond wakes up in a virtual world within the Anusimus, on the internet, where he meets a digital faggot. This faggot, Subject16, explains that from the trauma of stabbing a dyke, Desmond must complete the memories of both Altaïr and Ezio to be able to separate his mind from theirs and to allow him to come out of his coma; however, doing so will destabilize the internet as the Anusimus recovers lost DOX files and at one point Subject16 pulls a Triple G and disconnects to allow Desmond to continue without lag. Desmond rejoins Ezio's story many years after Brotherhood, where Ezio is bi-curious and he travels to Masyaf to give rim job freebies to sand niggers. He finds Altaïr's dungeon, though it is locked by five dildos which the Templars are also seeking, believing there to be great power within it. Ezio travels to the Ottoman-era Constantinople where the dildos are said to have been hidden by explorer and sex toy connoisseur, Niko Bellic, and discovers a conspiracy, that the Templars are secretly behind. While searching for dildos, Ezio meets and falls in love with Sofia "Biceps" Sartor. Eventually, a sand nigger is revealed as the agent for the Templars, and is killed by another sand nigger, who thanks Ezio by banishing him from the city.

Ezio uses the dildos to witness Altaïr's faggorty following the death of Al Mualimus. These show Altaïr having lost his husband and youngest adopted chink son in the midst of a coup d'etat within the Butt Assassins, followed by a twenty-year self-imposed ragequit. Eventually, Altaïr reconnected with cheats, returned to Masyaf, killed the new owner, and retook control. Near death, Altaïr inscribed the dildos with his memories and gave them to his friend Niko to hide in a distant location, before unplugging his power chord, in his dungeon, forever. In Ezio's present, he and Biceps go to Masyaf and open the library to find Altaïr's corpse cuffed to a wall in a bondage harness with the Piece of Eden stuck in his ass. Ezio leaves the Piece as well as his assassin tools, and speaks directly to Desmond, knowing he was only a video game character, and hopes he finds the plot as boring as he did.

Desmond is then approached by another holographic figure, who explains that their society had tried to stop Armageddon, but the movie got out anyway. They had stored their movie knowledge in several vaults which Desmond must use to stop other similar shitty movies to come out; Desmond wakes up from his coma, finding his friends, and to his surprise, his father, a severely handicapped mailman. After learning that some dyke died from his stabbing, he informs everyone how truly lame this entire game franchise is.

Gameplay

Revelations includes many new systems, including crashing to desktop, blue screens, random game freezes, glitches and bugs... also additional weapons. Bomb-crafting is now available, allowing the player to create explosive diarrhea, distraction and tactical grenades, using materials found throughout his body cavities. As the player progresses through the game, Ezio can train new recruits to defend "fuckdens" (Assassin HQs). The hookdildo is also introduced, which can be used in free-running (to travel along zip wires and climb more easily) and in combat (to "manipulate" enemies). Jew Vision has been upgraded to Jew Sense, which allows Ezio to not only having a permanent wallhack, but also see the future, so the whole idea of "challenge" went down the drain. The multifaggot mode returns in Revelations, this time with more characters, modes, and maps, and by advancing up through levels of faggorty, the player learns more about Asstergo's history.

Ass Creed 3: Return of the Jedi

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In Ass Creed 3: Return of the Jedi, you play as a dirty Injun whose name is Connor or Raccooncaca or some stupid shit like that, but no one cares about his name because the fanbase stopped giving a fuck about the characters after the second game. This time, you get some fancy new weapons like a tomahawk, bow, and a rifle. The story consists of you playing as an pseudo-apache dumbass, who's butchering the British fruitcake army like there's no tomorrow, regardless of their allegiance, which we all know is bullshit because all the trailers show Connor killing Red Coats and Templars, while firing off patriotic words like "Liberty" and "Freedom", completely ignoring the fact that the Americans committed genocide against his people.

A Short Summary of Assassin's Creed 3

As a result, the British parts of the internet have erupted in eternal raeg, because they think it's obvious that the British Empire was benevolent, enlightened, and progressive. Of course, nobody cares what British people think about anything.

Plot

The story begins with a poshfag cracker ass named Haytham Kenway, who proceeds to talk some blabber about a precursor race that no one cares about. This all stopped when he spotted some bimbo prairie nigger flashing her hoohah at him. After a brief session of vagineering on a haystack, he accidentally creampied her vagoo, right before ditching her stupid ass. Later, Connor is born in some dirty Mohawk tribe somewhere in the middle of a forest, where he lived with his strumpet mother and other Injuns. One day, he and his friends decided to play a game of hide and seek. Out of the blue, another random high-class la-di-da faggot called Charles Lee, popped up from nowhere and decided to strangle Connor to show off to his butt buddies, shortly before burning down Connors' village for no fucking apparent reason, and killing Connor's woe mom in the process. After the incident, Connor started to drastically rage like an ape on amphetamines, but nobody gave a shit, because he was screaming in his stupid native language, so nobody had any idea what the fuck he was saying. Nine years later, Connor didn't give too much of a shit about the death of his dumb mother anymore (she was the village bike anyway) or the destruction of his village. He started training some fat shit with a stupid name and four chins, and still they continued using their shitty yakety-yak language that nobody understood. He "taught" this guy how to climb trees and hunt crap. The tribal chief tells Connor to stop whining like a lil bitch all day, about the white people living near the tribe and his dead skank mother, and fuck off. Connor did as a woman should, and fucked off to the kitchen. After a while, he decided to visit some old poor grumpy sugar monkey called Achilles for some training. Only when Connor nearly got himself killed after a week of pissing about and bothering people, did the oreo pity the fucktard enough to begin training. As this game has such immersive gameplay, you don't get to see any of this turd polishing. Who'd want to watch cutscenes for fucking years of them spooning on the same bed while Achilles is doing the awkward arm, rather than play the damn game?

Six months later... nothing has changed. Connor is still a whinny basic bitch. Another six months... still nothing. Connor continues to suck off his crackhead house nigger. Another six months... you rebuild some old ship called the Aquila and Connor (who has never sailed a ship before) sails it like a professional sailor. Another six months... holy shit this is getting depressing. Achilles decides Connor is ready to use the hidden speculums and wear his old dirty tweaker robes. Hurrah! After all that, Connor has spent two fucking years training and pimping himself out with his badass Assassin maledom, whilst the Templarfags have done fuck all. Now that Connor is fully trained and ready to go, the Templars have decided to piss him off and start ruining his village, because LOGIC.

Connor starts helping out the Patriots in the war, for some reason. They battle the Redcoats in a fierce and immersive, engaging battle which you play a huge part in, whilst conveniently not doing anything to get yourself in the history books and thus stopping whiny faggots from raeging and whining about how this game isn't lore friendly or some bullshit like that. After ten or so years, fuck all has happened. Connor has killed some Britfag Templars such as William Johnson, Pitcairn, and some other inconsequential shits. But not Charles Lee, his mortal enemy, and funnily enough, the one he wants to kill the most. The rest of the story is boring as fuck, so we'll just cut to the chase. Connor kills Haytham, because he thinks Charles Lee is a pretty cool guy. He then realizes Charles Lee is a massive faggot and decides to end his faggorty. He chases Charles Lee for fucking ages until they are both battered and beaten. At one point, because Charles Lee had enough lulz, he gives up the merry chase. They sit together, dicks in hand, staring each other down with gay vibes, when Connor suddenly stabs him in the urethra. The end.


What an absolute faggot.
Connorcloseenough.jpg

Characters

  • Connor - a.k.a Luke Skywalker. He is the good guy with the body of a man, yet the brain of a fucking child. Using his prominent inner retard, he blindly follows anyone that leads him to his new victims, who haven't even really done anything, and then gets what's coming to him when Washington demands an attack on his village, leading to the death of his fat best friend. You would think this would put the initiative to kill Washington ahead, but no, he continues sucking Washington's dick dry. After winning the entire American Revolution, the people he helped massacre his people. That's right, the thing he devoted his entire life to prevent, just happened. He is a naive man-child and talks really slowly whilst drooling and zoning out every time he spots a butterfly, which explains why this game is so slow.
  • Haytham Kenway - a.k.a Darth Vader. The father of Connor and the son of that mentally unstable retard, Edward Kenway. Stolen as a child and raised as a Templar. He dresses like a butt pirate, yet he's a huge upperclass bourgy Britfag. At the end of his life he sees the light... but Connor kills him anyway... who wouldn't?
  • Charles Lee - a.k.a Chancellor Palpatine/The Emperor. Also a Britfag, this guy is a pretty cool guy in the beginning of the game, yet for no apparent reason turns into an evil bastard. He also has an unbelievable attraction to Haytham's grouch, following him everywhere and swearing he would destroy everything Connor loved because he murdered him.
  • Achilles - a.k.a Yoda. An oldfag oreo nigger and a registered sex offender living alone in the middle of nowhere. Somehow he gets lucky and a random naive sexy untouched young boy just randomly walks into his life. In his crippled state he is able to train Connor into submission, to using the way of the Force.
  • Infinite amount of Amuricans from the pseudo-non-existent-Amurican-history - The game is filled with a lot of Jewmurican ancient politicians and sheep who did a bunch of boring stuff a while ago that aren't relevant in the present day, about singing paper and helping Abraham Lincoln fight vampires or some shit.

Gameplay

What everybody wanted, but no one got.

The Tyranny of King Bush

Because everyone loves to spend money (obviously), Ubisoft made (you guest it) FUCKING OVERPRICED DLC. Basically, Connor gets sucked into Commander Washington's trippy nightmare where he is tyrannical king of the fat, perverted and hated USA. Connor must now stop him by drinking druggy tea and having orgies with animal spirits to gain their abilities. CREATIVE, I know. Connor eventually "kills" Washington and then they both get teleported back to the real reality and are suddenly normal again. The worst part about this DLC is that the only decent characters from AC3 aren't in it, while the characters no one gives a shit about are.

Ass Creed 4: Black Fag

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As if Ubisoft weren't already shit sucking pigs, now they've announced released the next installment of the Assassin's Creed franchise, Ass Creed 4: Black Fag. This time around you play as a britfag pansexual in an interactive futuristic bukakke pirate film directed by M. Night Shyamalan. He's the father of Darth Vader, Edward Kenway. He's a BUCCANEER!!!!11! It also has a new development team, so the brain dead cock suckers that conceived the terrible shit storm known as Assassin's Creed 3 won't be around this time. Incredibly, this steamy pile of Black Beard's old smelly feces looks even worse than it's Murkan Revolution predecessor.

... oh and some Japs decided for some fuck reason to make a manga after the game.

Plot

The plot revolves around an unnamed character working for Abstergo Entertainment, for the goal of creating an interactive mumbo jumbo fishamajig with pirates. In reality, the evil Templars are at it again. The true purpose of your work, this time, is to find yet another ancient uninteresting shit no one cares about, called, the Obseravtory. Of course, this couldn't be done without our lovable kike protagonist from the first games, thus, the Templars searched & found his dumbass dead body in order to extract DNA from his perineum, also they force you to watch the whole thing, part of your contract.

Anyway's, later, inside the actual historical setting, you're introduced to Edward Kenway, a drunkard sleeze bag who somehow impregnated a spoiled cumdumpster belonging to a rich hunk of shit. You quickly learn what a huge waste of human resource and a non-contributing zero our protagonist is, so you can feel more comfortably playing something that's familiar. Our welsh pariah decides one day, that he's tired of fucking the same batshit ugly Britwhore and drink the same mundane stale Britbooze and move his ass to the Caribbean. On the way there, his ship magically explodes. He survives and swims ashore just to find an Assasin chillin' on the beach. His instant reaction is to chase him threw the jungle like a psychopath, kill him to death, desecrate his body and steal his clothes and identity, because in his mind, that's what people do when they meet strangers. After that, he discovers that this guy was on a MISSION. He takes it upon himself to complete his mission to make some extra money on the side, unknowingly jeopardizing the Assassins in the process. Before doing so, he stumbles around the jungle like a blithering idiot, talking to himself and air assassinating ocelots, when suddenly, his sixth sense detects rape pheromones in the air. While following the scent, near a cliff, he trips over some eagle shit and femures into a hay stack. With everything broken, he crawls to the rape scene, just to discover some meddling Britfags fucking around. He decides to kill the faggots just so he can later discover Stede Bonnet, a guy who just wanted to take a wee on the island, but angry English bushmen got pissed off and decided to kill his captain for being a pansy with a small wiener. After Bonnet and Kenway french kiss for half an hour, they decide to be friends. They both leave on Bonnet's ship, while Edward is the captain. After long periods of pirate wanking, Kenway unravels a conspiracy among every known Empire of that time that no one cares about. The Templars got tired of pirates and decided to pwn them all. But in reality they where just trying to find the Sage, a Mexican paranoid nutjob with heterochromia and a boner for a God woman. This guy, later named Bartholomew Roberts, is the only guy that knows where the Observatory is, the ancient emo device that lets whoever controls it to be the ultimate peeping tom by putting the blood of his victim inside it. So Kenway, dreaming of power and wealth as usual, decides to start a wild-goose chase around the globe for the next couple of years.

Meanwhile, pirates like Blackbeard, Benjamin Hornigold and Charles Vane, among other retards, dream of building an anarchic pirate state ruled by debauchery and chlamydia, while Kenway is out there chasing that Sage sack of shit. However, as expected, the pirate state miserable fails since everyone in it was 24/7 drunk and no one was running anything. In the end, all this idiocy was repaid with the plague, since pirates didn't know how to properly wipe. In response, Blackbeard tries to steal some medicine and dies in the process. Every pirate starts hating each other and Kenway fails to stop the Templars to mass hang everybody. Eventually, Kenway, while still completely not affected by the death of all his friends, decides to become partners with the crazy Sage monkey and search for the Observatory together, unsurprisingly he's betrayed at the last moment. He gets locked away in prison, finds the skeletons of all his friends, skull fucks them in regret, then, he gets busted out by Ah Tabai, the Assassin mentor of the game. After that, he decides to finally join the Assassins and do some good for a change. He chases down the Sage, finds & kills him, sealing the Observatory for good.

After all that, still a drunk, broke, lonely loser, he gets a letter from Shitland, telling him his estranged wife died and that the lawyers are sending him his unknown daughter. Kenway, then discovers that all this time while he was away, his bitch wife was talking smack about him to his kid. Eventually, he leaves his tropical island, wealth, villa and slaves to go back to his cesspool of a homeland alongside his mistake. He later gets bored and makes a boy with his dominatrix. The age difference between his kids are to be 30 years, because Kewnway is borderline retarded.

In the end, in Shitland, Kenway is stumbling drunk in his living room, naked as usual, when a bunch of Templars show up from nowhere and make him Swiss cheese. After that, to add insult to injury, the Templars steal his son as a souvenir and raise him as a closet homosexual.

In the present day, the player is contacted by John, the Sage monkey version of the 21st century. John as usual, is dipshit insane and a massive dildo. He forces the player to do his biding, again. He makes the player access the Anusimus' core, at which point a female God materializes from thin air and starts to nonchalantly talk to you about cooking like nothing happened. She reveals that although it was necessary to open her kitchen to avert disaster, the world was not ready for her cooking. John attempts to murder the player to cover up his failed attempt at resurrecting the God woman, but is killed by Abstergo's security before he can do so. As Roberts, the Sage admits to Kenway his openly bi and that he finds him attractive. After fucking, he tells Kenway he doesn't hold allegiance to anyone and instead uses whoever he thinks represents his best chance of achieving his ends, thus underlining the fact that all this time Kenway was just a bottom bitch. With the Sage dead, the player is contacted by the Assassins as they continue their infiltration of Asstergo, but neither side is able to explain Sage's faggorty, mental retardation and epic fail.

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Characters

FUN FACT: Did you know that pirates sometimes suffered from a disease called psittacosis, also known as parrot fever? It is a disease of parrots but can be transferred to humans by the inhalation of dust from dried parrot dung. Infected pirates would suffer from extremely high temperatures leading to pneumonia and if untreated coma and death. Also, it's so deadly you only get get this in hot places. Long story short, pirates would die from snorting parrot shit.

  • Edward Kenway - Connor's grandfather and Haytham's father. Strangely enough, after the amazing reception of Connor, Ubisoft deemed it necessary to make this main character a close relative, and he's a britfag just to add icing on the cake. He also has long blond hair and enjoys threesomes with ugly women. Edward, unlike Connor, seems to be much more laid back and lulzy. So he's basically just Ezio without the annoying as fuck Italian accent. He's the biggest selfish asshole the Caribbean sea has ever seen. After leaving his pregnant wife for wealth and glory, he then decides that's not enough, so he indirectly fucks every notable pirate from the Golden Age of Piracy, well besides Blackbeard who gets owned pretty much the same way. Oh, and at the end he gets betrayed, sobs about it all, has some hallucinations, goes back to Shitland from a tropical paradise where he lived in a villa and owned workers, just so he can later get assassinated by Templars and get his kid stolen and turned into Darth Vader. Good going, retard.
  • Caroline Scott-Kenway - Kenway's bitch wife. He blames Kenway for everything wrong in her life and fucks him anyway. Later she gets knocked up, doesn't tell Kenway, runs to her parents who didn't agree with her marriage in the first place and then dies. This is the typical, mundane, cliché plot every fucking movie, book, song and anything that ever existed, has.
  • James Kidd - aka Mary Read, a pirate dyke, because a pirate game wouldn't be a pirate game without dykes. She's an incognito assassin wearing a pirate custom, because the cowboy custom was unavailable. If you're not a complete dipshit, you could realize she's a chick instantly upon discovering her in the game. Although, Ubisoft still deflated her tits and tucked away her vagoogoo, because apparently in their eyes, everyone playing their games are dumb assholes, including the ingame pirates that unrealistically couldn't detect her pussy stink.
  • Edward Thatch - aka Blackbeard, his name was Edward in real life so you can't blame him for having the second fucking Edward name, but you can blame Ubisoft for being lazy cretins. He's actually being decently portrayed, and that's not saying much. He dies in battle, after making Stede Bonnet his bitch.
  • Stede Bonnet - aka "The Gentelman Pirate", nicknamed for being a complete pussybitch and also being the only pirate in existence with an education. He's present in the main story line for a couple of missions, then, after pirating with Blacknuts for a while, he decides to fuck off and adventure on his own, which unsurprisingly gets him owned. Sadly enough, he's the most interesting character in the entire game.
  • Jack Rackham - aka Calico Jack, guy famous for inventing the Jolly Roger flag, that's the classical pirate flag with a skull crossed by two swords. Until Rackham came around, pirates just used their pink tongues for a flag. He successfully managed to fuck Charles Vane and steal his ship and crew, by making this thing pirates call, mutiny. In game, he looks like a transsexual gypsy. Later in the story line, you can find his skeleton in a cage, hanging from a pole... you know those typical cages you see in movies and such. Fuck off.
  • Charles Vane - He's the first lover of our protagonist. Goes apeshit insane after Jack Rackham steals his ship and throws him and Kenway on an island. After a quicky on the beach, Charles decides Kenway is a faggot and runs in the jungle. Kenway being the pussy whipped faggot that he is, runs after him. After Kenway catches Charles and shank fucks him a little, Charles gets syphilis and completely loses his marbles. Kenway decides all this isn't worth his time and decides to fuck off, not before abandoning Vane on the island. After a while, he finds Vane in a prison, still dipshit insane, sucks his dick and goes away, never to see his dominus again.
  • Benjamin Hornigold - Best known for mentoring Blackbeard into pirating and also being a founder of Nassau, a cesspool in the West Indies. He later becomes a Templar for some fucking reason no one cares about. Kenway eventually tracks him down and ends his faggorty.
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  • Anne Bonny - Rackham's fuck puppet. Gets captured with Mary Read and are sentenced to death. She escapes her prison while Mary Read dies. She later becomes Kenway's quartermaster. At the end she parts ways with Kenway, when the faggot leaves for England. No one knows what the fuck happened to her after that. Safe to say, she dead. In real life she gets saved by her father from the gallows, being the spoiled brat that she was. Eventually she settles down, while giving birth to Rackham's second son, gets married, makes an additional of 10 more children, and dies as a "respectable" woman at the age of 80 in South Carolina, with a gaping hole the size of Kimberley mine.
  • Sage - An insane misanthropic Mexican monkey, shit ugly and always angry.
  • Pirates - Edward's supposed crew. This isn't like AC3, no way. This is the REAL deal bitches!!!!1!!!1! The life spawn of a pirate would be less than 25 years, that is if they would survive malaria, scurvy, rickets, hepatitis, halitosis, scabies and any number of venereal diseases. Well not counting the ones that actually managed to escape with their booty and live to get old.
  • The Nigger - Not just any nigger, because he is the main protag of the wallet raping DLC Freedom Cry that no one cares.

Gameplay

The main goal of the game.

As promised, players are introduced yet again to sailing. Since the sailing part in Ass 3 was completely optional and useless, since it's purpose was just to upgrade your shit homestead no one cared about, the sailing in Ass 4 is pretty much all you do, so the entire game will consist of a faggot screaming nothing but: "WE NEED FOOKIN' HARF SAEL! GIMME FULL SAEL! HALF- NO... WAIT, FULL SAEL!11!1!1!."

The ship is upgradeable throughout the game, and you can access it from literally anywhere. Also, for some reason you can now dive deep underwater and search for treasure around shipwrecks, while hiding in seaweed from sharks. You also have access to a historically accurate spyglass, that magically tells pirates the cargo and strength of the ship they're watching, because that's how pirates rolled back then, oh and also they omitted a small, insignificant detail... LOGIC!

Your weapons include the usual arsenal a Navy Seal has:

  • A dozen guns strapped to your body from head to toe
  • Two swords
  • Double sleeve knifes
  • Your hands
  • Ninja smoke grenades
  • A blowpipe with two different poisons
  • Money
  • Throwing knifes
  • A rope attached to a hook
  • A magic spyglass with X-rays

As usual, the game features a bunch of cities with different themes. You got a pirate city, you got a Spick city and you got jungle villages. The part where you are actually on land, doing assassin things, you just tail people to listen on their shit or follow them to a location. You kill guards by hiding in a haystack and stabbing them in the butt, or by throwing screaming guards in a well without anyone hearing anything. That goes without saying that, as with every Ass game, our assassin is still incapable of crouching, thus when moving from a bush to another, our character will instantly stand up like he forgot what he was doing, but everything is fine since the AI is completely retarded.

... yes.

Assassinating characters in Assassin's Creed? "Fuck that!", said Ubisoft.

Ass Creed: Unitwat

 
 
We'd be stupid not to release Assassin's Creed every year.
 

 

—Ubisoft, showing off the fact that they obtain enormous amounts of jew gold every year from their retarded fan base

Should anyone be surprised that Ubisoft is making another Assassins Creed? Nope. But after two years of using Amurika as a setting, they've finally returned to Europe... only one problem... FRANCE!


They made a bad choice of having it take place in a setting as vile and disgusting as France. I know, shivers down your spine, because no one wants to play as a cheese-eating surrender monkey. Why wasn't Jebus born in France? Because God couldn't find three wise men or a virgin. Everyone knows French people are like Italians if they bathed in shit, fucked their fathers and had a huge fucking god complex (although most Italians have the latter as well). Plus, another new hero takes the mantle as the yearly mongoloid, this time a young assassin named Arnaud. This is confirmed, and yet Connor's fan base of dipshit fan girls and furries insist that it's actually their beloved Injun sexual fantasy. Even though the guy clearly has a completely different body shape. Oh, and Guillotines.

Gallery

Gallery of Assassins About missing Pics

See Also

External Links

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