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Adolf Hitler

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Adolf "carebear" Hitler (April 20, 1889 - April 30, 1945) was an angel sent by god to eliminate all your j00z. He was also African and Jewish, and, rather ironically, was blamed for a mass killing-off of Jews in Europe. They were Jewish, how much more of a reason would you like? He was one of the 20th Century's most misunderstood political revisionists. Many see him as a overweight, perverted, sexually deprived, gay, racist, homophobic, Jew-in-denial, highly functioning autistic. Others see him as humanity's last hope to cleanse the world of the biggest problem on the planet. According to das Juden, during his holiday in Germany, Hitler had a party (complete with fully catered bar-b-que), with somewhere around six million , called the Holocaust. In fact, he was a sensitive hero who tried to save the undeserving Jews from the racist Germans that he, an Austrian, loved so much. He also helped invent the Volkswagen and still holds the high score in IRL Risk. He was undefeated until he went up against fellow sociopathic asshat Joseph Stalin, although Americunts like to think they had something to do with it. He broke new strategic ground with his Blitzkrieg tactics, which effectively meant that he was in your nation, killing your j00z.

Hitler was also a sensitive man. When he was younger, Hitler went to art school, and drew some pretty cool stuff. He was a vegetarian, a non-smoker, a coprophiliac and had a mustache. On the downside, he dropped out of art school and his opus magnum was lost on the Titanic, he slept until three in the afternoon every day, and threw temper tantrums if you tried to wake him up.

Contrary to popular belief, Hitler was not killed by Aldo the Apache and his band of Jews, who brutalized the peaceful Germans for the promise of jewgolds in return for each clitoris removed from German schoolgirls. He turned out to be an hero after all. Years later the DNA from Hitler's remains were analyzed. Turns out Hitler had African and Jewish ancestry.

Contents

Singing Career

Young Adolf began his rise to fame and fortune touring Germany with his band the House Painters. He won a rock contest in Munich in 1923, beating out rival Gustav von Kahr's band Gas Attack in front of a live audience of 3000. It was at approximately this time that he landed a major music contract with German High Command (later Bauhaus). Hitler's singing style was described as "rollicking good fun" as the crowd pumped its arms and marched in step with the beat in swastika formation, cigarette lighters held high to illuminate the auditorium. His headline song "Imagine", later covered in a bowdlerized form by John Lennon, held an inspiring message that resonated with the German people:

Imagine there's no Russians,
No blacks and Gypsies too.
No left-leaning homos,
And not a single Jew.

Imagine all the people,
Look and act the sa-a-ame.

Imagine there's no countries,
Other than our Reich.
No one else to vote for,
Just say the Fuhrer's right.

Imagine all the people,
Never arguing a-ga-a-in.

You may say that I'm a dreamer,
But I'm not the only one.
Someday you know you'll have to join us,
And the world will be as one.

Rise to Power


Jesus hitler.jpg

Adolf began his ascent to power in Germany with an ideologically sound framework:

  • Anyone who expressed views contrary to those of himself and his party was invited over to Adolf's semi-detached bungalow for a lively debate over a schnapps or two. Adolf was an excellent hypnotist and utilized this skill to subtly change his adversaries' ideas and opinions.
  • If that did not work, he would:

This modus operandi was usually effective in quelling dissent.

Adolf blamed the ills of the Fatherland on the unclean Jews, amongst others. As the Jews have rarely been persecuted throughout history, this was something relatively new to them. However, Uncle Adolf was also a devout humanitarian, and tried to give them new living accommodations in special places like Dachau were they could be Jewish in safety from the racist fucks in Germany, who are still racist fucks to this day.

Adolf and his National Socialist, or Nazi, party celebrated their huge landslide win in the nation's elections with a massive street party known as Kristallnacht. Jewish shopkeepers and business owners were the main invitees. They were a little disappointed when they did not receive the beautiful crystals and jewel-encrusted dreidels as promised in the invitations, and Uncle Adolph was doubly disappointed because the crude hun bastards that made up the population of Germany smashed up a lot of Jewish shops, causing the German insurance industry to shit itself, because despite all of their flaws that Hitler ignored, the Jews had the sense to protect their jewgolds through insurance. People in Hitler's homeland of Austria LOL'd at the wascally Germans getting drunk and rioting.

After the Germans went batshit insane and began behaving badly towards their nation's bankers and shopkeepers, Uncle Adolf realized that the Germans needed to quit being lazy basement dwellers and then invited the Jews, en-masse, on an all-expenses-paid train journey to the picturesque nether regions of Germany, Poland and a few other countries to live separately. The Jews, always quick to sniff out a bargain, widely accepted this invitation and were promptly and efficiently transported to these holiday-camps. Those who showed some reluctance were gently persuaded by Hitler's assistants with reminders of how uncivilized the bulk of Germany was.

Some of the Jews complained about the converted Pullman rail coaches which were used in this relocation program, now known as The Final Solution. It was labeled 'The Final Solution' as the Jews were grossly overworked in their shops and businesses. The 'Solution' to this OH&S issue was to grant them the free transport and accommodation in the German countryside.

The Jews were perceived by many in Europe at that time as having questionable personal hygiene. Therefore upon arrival they were greeted humbly and courteously by their hosts. They were ushered in to large bathhouses and enjoyed a relaxing shower/bath and optional massage. Great thought went into this initial welcome at the Camps. The shortage of essential-oils in wartime presented the German hosts with a problem. How were they to set the mood without these all-important olfactory adjuncts? The Germans, never ones to let a technical challenge get in the way of progress solved this with a marvelous new synthetically-derived compound known as Zyklon-B. In another technical first, this compound was piped through to the bathhouses which cut down on waste and provided all with the same enhanced experience.

It was noticed by some of the attendants that occasionally a Jewish guest would suffer an allergic reaction to the Zyklon-B. This would involve visual and auditory hallucinations, quite often terrifyingly reminiscent of actual death. The German master chemists would hear nothing of this; they set about slightly refining the process so all their guests had an equally positive experience. They did not want to present the illusion of favoritism.

After this small hiccup the Camps were soon operating at near capacity and very efficiently, which delighted Adolph and his mates.

Now Adolf began his presidency with the best of intentions. As we know now, they went a little astray; he failed to personally supervise this most attractive R&R opportunity for his Jewish compatriots.

His trusted lieutenants and aides bungled the end stages of The Final Solution and a great many Jews regretfully did not make it to "paradise" and were deprived of that long-promised and well-earned holiday. That's what Hitler gets for letting fucking Germans do shit, as they fuck everything up

Consequently the Jews have never forgiven Germany for their being too fucking incompetent to follow Uncle Adolph's directions.

On unrelated news, this guy is the cause of 33% of the world's problems, Jews cause 33% as well, so this guy is the solution for 33% of the worlds problems! in case you were wondering, the other 33% of the worlds problems come from spics, however word is that Arizona is working to solve them.

World War II

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In 1939, Hitler told the leader of Poland to give him anal sex and to face him during rape. Poland gave Hitler the finger and told him to go fuck himself, so Hitler decided to kick Poland's ass. After a few days of fighting, Hitler realized Germany couldn't beat Poland alone, and Russia joined in, because Stalin was a useless dirty dick sniffer who didn't have the vagina to start a troll himself, but was always willing to kill his own guys and join in and try to take credit for someone else's raid.

After Poland didn't surrender, Hitler, like the god he was, went on to completely take out Denmark, Norway, the Netherlands, and Belgium all in a couple of weeks. Earlier, in free time and for fun and profit, he decided to liberate Austria and to cancel the Czechs, too. Finally, Hitler pwned France as the French just rolled over and took it in the ass. After France was subjugated, he sent Rudolf Hess to try to make peace with England. In England Hess was anally raped, causing Hitler to try to bomb England to surrender and invade Russia for the lulz, but this was unsuccessful, as the English are fucking insane and the Russians live in a freezing shithole. The irony is that Hitler could have took England, as the British Army had been raped by the Germans in France, however Hitler suffered trolls remorse and neglected to follow through.

Hitler's Final Act of Heroism

In 1944 the Allied troops invaded and pwned the Germans in France then they pressed forward toward Germany and in 1945 the Soviets surrounded Berlin and were looking to zerg rush on the Reichstag. Things were not looking good for our Hitler. Legend has it that Hitler decided that he'd rather die married than die gay, so he married his cousin (Eva Braun) and then committed suicide like the little emo bitch he was. In reality, being the angst-ridden man-child that he was, he killed himself ten days after his birthday because some of his friends didn't show up at his party at the YMCA. It also may have helped that the Russians were about one block away from where he was hiding, and they were hankering for a Hitler lynching. Unfortunately, he turned to an heroism before they could get to him.

Eventually the monstrous Russians descended on the rest of Berlin like a big smelly wall of rape, and surprised every surviving man, woman, child, and occasional retard covered in shit within a 50 mile radius. Seriously. In retaliation for his faggotry, Stalin made Hitler's skull into a jizz bowl. This is officially recognized as the high point in German history. Hitler is now being raped by Jews in hell, as everybody knows, Jews don't die.

Heil Honey, I'm Home!

Around the year 1990 a couple of pre-internets trolls decided to create the greatest lulzfest ever seen at the time, a television show called Heil Honey, I'm Home!, which depicted the lives of Hitler and his bitch Eva in a 50's style sitcom, with the two of them living next door to a Jew family, bringing in one of the lulziest situations ever as we all know what Hitler did to those poor fags. Sadly the show was canceled after the first episode when the Jews from the BBC network realized it was about Hitler in a good way and pulled it, never to see the light of day again, a minor revenge attempt at Hitler that failed miserably due to the future power of the internet. Another reason it was canceled was because the Jews didn't understand history and didn't realize that it was somewhat fact-based, though the only things that Jews think happened were that the world was created by Cthulhu and Hitler was apparently the devil.

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Hitler and the Internet

Recently there has been a new unprecedented Internet obsession with Hitler. In the quest for trying to be different, 90's bred bipolar forums users turn to other subcultures to try and stand out. There are many Internet identities that claim to be the new Hitler, even though Satan would never bestow such an honor on some basement dweller. Neo-Nazis have also gained Internet access and have begun trying to lure these forlorn angst-ridden teens into a world of viking metal and saluting photos of dead guys. Hitler is also one of the most talked about people on internet forums and message boards. No matter what the subject is, there is no doubt that Hitler's name will come up eventually in conversation OTI. It is also customary on the internet to post Hitler's likeness repeatedly as a sign of friendship and respect. In short, the internet <3 Hitler.

The Downfall meme

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Moar info: Downfall.
Invoke Hitler and Instantly Win Any Argument

"Downfall" was a 2004 German-language movie depicting the final days of Hitler during World War II while the Russians were inflicting mass amounts of pwnage on their way to capturing Berlin. Since real internet power users don't understand German moonspeak, the climactic scene of Hitler totally losing his shizz with enemy tanks parked a mile away from his secret headquarters and no reserves left was naturally ripe for more nuanced translations. Of course most of them are crap based on sports teams nobody cares about. The best thing about the meme, of course, is triggering outraged choruses of ZOMG HITLER IS NEVAR FUNNY from the usual suspects. On April 21, 2010 Jewtube began removing all such videos, because they can't take the lulz. Here's how Hitler reacted to the removal.

Fresh Fuhrer of Bel-Air

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: IN BRAUNAU AUSTRIA BORN AND RAISED
VIENNA WAS WHERE I SPENT MOST OF MY DAYS
CHILLIN' OUT, MAXING, RELAXING ALL COOL
AND THINKING OF WAYS TO ANNIHILATE THE JEWS
WHEN A COUPLE OF KIKES
WHO WERE UP TO NO GOOD
STARTED RAISING LOANS IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD
I SET UP ONE LITTLE CAMP AND RUSSIA GOT SCARED
THEY SAID "IF YOU INVADE POLAND CAN WE AT LEAST SHARE?"
I WHISTLED FOR MY CAR AND WHEN IT CAME NEAR
THE LICENSE PLATE SAID "FUHRER" AND EVA BRAUN WAS IN THE REAR
IN GERMANY FUCKING YOUR OWN COUSIN WAS RARE
BUT I THOUGHT "NAH FORGET IT," YO HOME TO BERLIN!
I CAUGHT MILLIONS OF JEWS, ABOUT 7 OR 8
AND I YELLED TO HYMIES "YO HOLMES, SMELL YA LATER"
I SHIPPED EM TO CAMPS, WHEN THEY WERE FINALLY THERE,
I TOOK EM ALL OUT, WITH SOME GAS IN THE AIR.
Nobody knows where my Adolph has gone
Eva left the same time
Why was he holding her hand
When he's supposed to be mine


It's my Nazi party, and I'll cry if I want to
Cry if I want to, cry if I want to
You would cry too if it happened to you


Playin' my records, keep dancin' all night
Leave me alone for a while
'Till Adolph's dancin' with me
I've got no reason to smile


It's my Nazi party, and I'll cry if I want to
Cry if I want to, cry if I want to
You would cry too if it happened to you


Eva and Adolph just walked through the door
Like a queen with her king
Oh what a birthday surprise
Eva's wearin' his ring
-A Nigger

Kesha meets the Nazi Party

Use scrollbar to see the full text

: Wake up in the morning feelin' like der Fuhrer
Write Mein Kampf, tell Germany I'm gonna make race purer
Before I leave, fuck my niece. With Eva Braun, too
Cause when I leave for Mein Reich, I'm gonna kill a Jew


I'm talkin'
Takin' of all their clothes clothes
Gassin' them till they choke choke
Throwin' them in some stoves stoves


Goose steppin'
Right into all of your cities
Spreadin' the Nazi Party
Tryin' to take over your countrryyyyy


Don't stop, make em drop!
Nazi's blow your cities up!
Tonight, they gonna fight
Till you give into the Reich!
-Kesha

Hitler Fun Facts

ADOLF HITLER BITCHES.jpg
  • Hitler served in the German army in WWI, where he got owned with mustard gas and spent months hospitalized.
  • He was a vegetarian. Not out of principles but because he had horrible IBS and gastritis and his stomach couldn't handle meat.
  • Hitler was also known for being a beast in the bedroom, as reported by his officers and generals. It was recorded he had sex with over 3,452 different women during his rule.
  • He actually wanted to become an artist.
  • He painted houses before he became emo.
  • Hitler was an asspie.
  • He was addicted to meth and had syphilis, just like every other white supremacist.
  • If Hitler had lived out his dream of becoming an artist, he would now have over 9,000 more page-views than Snapesnogger.
  • Hitler's doctor gave him medicine made from chopped cow balls and feces of Bulgarian peasants-- on a daily basis.
  • Uwe Boll is said to be part of the Adolf Hitler family tree.

Gallery

Galerie von Adolf About missing Pics

Hitler on JewTube

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See Also

Internet Nazism

External Links


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Ideologies:

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Issues:

AbortionBahrainBirthCISPADrugsEnvironmentalismGaysGirlfriendsGround Zero MosqueGun controlGunsHealthcare (2) (3)• HomelessHousing CrisisHuntingIceslaveIranMarriageMiltopiaNAUPimpin'RacismShoesTaxesTerrorismUnemploymentWarWelfare

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Adriel HamptonAhmadinejadAkinB.AllenG. AllenAngleAshburnBachmannBhuttoBin LadenBlagojevichBlairBoehnerG.BrownS.BrownBunningBurrByrdCainCameronChavezCheCheneyChomskyChretienChurchillClintonClinton IICleggCohenColemanCowgerCraigCthulhuCunninghamCurtisD'AlemaDeanDelayDwyerEdwardsFaganFiorinaFoleyFordGellerGillardGingrichGiulianiGonzalesGoreGrahamGravelGreeneGriffinHagueHansonHardingHarperHitlerHowardHuckabeeHusseinJacksonJamesJidetteJohnsonJohnson, BorisKennedyLaRoucheLBJLottKerryKindKissingerKucinichLautenschlagerLewinskyLiebermanLimbaughLoughnerMajorMarceaux.comMarxMcBerryMcCainMcHenryMcKinneyMercerMichael BloombergMooreMorocco MoleMussoliniNaderNixonObamaO'DonnellOsbornePainePaladinoPalinPaulPelosiPerryPinochetPrittPutinQuahQuayleRasanskyReaganRendellRiceRobertsonRomneyRoveRuddRumsfeldRyanSaakashviliSantorumSchwarzeneggerSharptonSmithSpitzerStevensStranahanSupremeTaitzThatcherThompsonThorleyTPMMuckraker MoleVenturaVitterWWarsiWashingtonWaxmanWeinerWestWilliamsWilsonWolfowitzXXenophon

Parties:

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Tactics:

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